Amanda looked like a tiny baby doll when she was born. She was only 1 and a half inches long, and weighed a tad over 7 pounds. I wanted a girl so badly, and from the moment I knew I was expecting her, I KNEW she was a girl.
My son, who was 5 years before her, was just a little blonde (cotton headed) as they used t say, and small too. He started Kindergarten like only a week after Amanda's was born. It was amazing to have one beginning school and a brand new one at home! I've always been thrilled they were 5 years apart in so many ways. Amanda and Jason remain close and have as always. He was always the "big brother" who could watch over her, and they later in high school knew a lot of the same people, so when Jason and her left to go out on a weekend night, I knew he would watch over her.
Yet, it seems like just yesterday they induced labor with her. I didn't have the certain "hormone" to cause me to go into labor with either of them, so they had to induce with Jason, and they just planned on it with Amanda. Now this was BEFORE the sonograms, and knowing what the baby was before it was born etc. Sonograms were only done then if they suspect problems, so with a "normal pregnancy" that was just not something they did.
My best friend from High School Carrie and I were expecting within 2 weeks of one another. They told me Amanda would be somewhere around the very last of August, and Carrie's little girl RaeAnn was supposed to be like 2 weeks BEFORE Amanda... but alas Amanda made her entrance into the world a bit early on August 18th, and much to our surprise Carrie's pregnancy went over by two weeks and RaeAnn was born right after Amanda by about 10 days or so. I can recall Carrie being frustrated that hers didn't come as expected and I had Amanda a bit early. Carrier ate enough Mexican Food to feed Ennis back then!!!!LOL!!!!!! She would eat anything Mexican 3 meals a day, every day of the year..... and I really did not have many "real cravings' BUT I could NOT STAND the smell of bacon frying or Joy Lemon Dish Soap, both made me sick to my stomach and even after I had Amanda, for a year or so, I could not stand the smell of bacon frying... and I NEVER got over the Joy dish soap.. I hate that smell even today after 31 years!!!!
I wanted to share that with all of you, and let you know I am still painting on "house #2" trying to get over there daily and paint. I have decided to "try" and move in over there in October... but that probably means me having to hire some people to help me finish up the paint, putting the fence up, & of course the "list" can be endless...mainly finishing the inside painting and getting the floors in "decent shape" which does mean also I have to have new linoleum or something like that laid in the kitchen dining room, small bath and right at the front door entrance.
Right now there is an "industrial type" of carpet in the kitchen and dining rooms that is of course glued down, so trying to save the dining room would be a mess. The kitchen already had linoleum under it at one time, and the bathroom is tiny but I also "may" have to have some plumbing work done in the bathroom. The pipes coming into the bath through the wall to the commode are "rusty" and already leak a tiny bit. I know that even that floor at one time had been wet enough that Dad had to have it enforced when they put in a new commode years and years ago. So, I figure with what water damage might have been there and then when Mom threw a washcloth down the toliet (after she got so "bad" with the dementia) and I had to call a plumber I tried at 1st to unstop it, not knowing it was a cloth in there, but she over ran it twice at least until I finally locked it down enough she could not open that door. By then she could not even walk to the toliet and had a potty chair by the bed, but it also done damage to the hardwood flooring in the hallway by the bathroom... I am going to just do the best with it because I will have a carpet runner to go into that hallway, so it won't be that noticeable anyway... but I also think that old sink needs to go and be replumbed, plus if it CAN BE DONE, I would like to break up that old iron tub (which so many houses built around the early 50's had those iron tubs, with the porcelain over them... so that tub has lost about all of the porcelain, plus I want a shower only, that I could just step into, and have one seat in it... BUT, to break up that old tub with that small bathroom is a freaking chore!!! We did it in this house, and put my "big honkin tub/sauna/shower" in it... and I still love it, BUT hell I use the shower, and nothing else really...
I cannot sit down into the tub really or a may never be able to get out, and with it just being me now, it is really way too large for now how it is used... it really is a shame, because one of my reasons, was to use the whirlpool, sauna etc... for my joints and muscles... but by the time I have had all of the surgeries, the strength it would take me to sit down in it, then try and get back up, well I would fear being here alone, and not able to get out.... I still love that huge shower, tub BUT ALSO, IT is insane to clean... I keep it mostly clean since it is just me now, and I spray it down with the Daily Shower Cleaner, which keeps it dry, and it keeps me from having to scrub the heck out of it so often BUT, it still has to be cleaned, and it's a job....
I have to literally get into it, to be able to clean it properly, then keeping the mold and mildew out of it, I keep diluted bleach that I put around the places because certain spots if they stay wet will get to be a mess to clean.... so it takes work to keep it clean and free from lots of germs and so forth....LOL My DOGS probably enjoy bathing in it more than I do..I can put them in there, they have plenty of room, and I have my shower nozzle that I use so they kind of get a massage, then I can have them almost dryed off completely before letting them out... so that way they don't slip on the hardwood floors when they get out... they used to chase each other after a shower, and one time Tazzy accidentally fell going around a corner, because her feet were still wet and she had a hip that hurt her for weeks... so I have to dry their feet before I let them out of the bathroom...
NOW AS FOR ME........ I AM TIRED, I FEEL LIKE I AM ALWAYS RUNNING BEHIND... I HAVE MORE PINK, BLUE AND YELLOW STICKIES IN FRONT OF ME THAT I CAN EVER GET FINISHED WITH... I AM STILL TRYING TO GET OVER THAT ONE SPRAINED ANKLE... I THOUGHT IT WAS BETTER, BUT OVER THE PAST TWO DAYS, AGAIN IT SWELLS LIKE A HUGE GOOSE EGG ON THE OUTSIDE, DOWN TO MY LITTLE TOE AND UP MY LEG A LITTLE... I thought it was better.... hahahaha...
I should KNOW BETTER!!! I NEED to have my pain pump upped, but I also need to see my Rheumatologist... neither know (well my pain doctor found out yesterday) that Mom has passed away, and that NO I am NOT OKAY, BUT I'VE NOT HAD THE TIME NOR STAMINA TO DRIVE TO DALLAS FOR DOCTORS APPTS~~!!!! While Mom was so sick half the time I "forgot" my 3 boluses a day for my pain pump SO it still has more medication in it than it would have had I been using it as I usually do.... but AFTER WATCHING THE PAIN MY MOM WAS IN.... I kind of WENT NUMB WITH MY OWN PAIN I GUESS... even when I SPRAINED BOTH ANKLES THAT SUNDAY OF HER VISITATION, I REALLY DID NOT "FEEL" THE PAIN.... but I WAS IN SUCH A SURREAL, AND SHOCKING SPOT, I JUST FELT NOTHING... MY PAIN, EVEN THOUGH I HURT LIKE HELL, SEEMED NON IMPORTANT.... Thus my reasoning for putting off my own Pain issues....
I AM BEGINNING AGAIN NOW TO KNOW I NEED SURGERY ON MY NECK, I NEED MY PAIN PUMP UPPED, AND WE NEED TO CHANGE MY RA MEDICATION OR DO SOMETHING BUT I just do NOT have the STRENGTH NOR WHAT I FEEL THE TIME... to spend on those things... like a couple of weeks ago, my Chiweenie, Bubs, broke a front nail on a front paw off below the quick... well it was MY FAULT... I always DREAD TAKING HIM TO THE VET... he usually puts up a fight, and we have had to muzzle him one time before... so I HATE HAVING TO DO THAT... so his nails get longer than most women's before I take him... and again they were way too long, and then he limped around for over a week because of one broken so far down into below the quick.... I finally took him in, and the last two times I've held him, and let the assistant just talk to him, while the Vet cut his nails, and we didn't have to muzzle him and in fact he did great.... so I was grateful and am going to try and keep it up and get them cut before they get TOO LONG!!!!
ANYWAY, LIKE NOW, MY OWN PAIN IS HORRIBLE... BETWEEN MY RIGHT HAND, THUMB, WRIST, AND THOSE JOINTS BEING IS SWOLLEN, I CAN BARELY TYPE, MY FINGERS GO NUMB NOW, THEY HURT LIKE HELL, AND THEN MY NECK SHOULDER AND LOWER BACK JUST HURT SO BADLY... IT IS ALL I CAN DO TO SIT HERE AND TYPE...
YET, as I typed in my Title, we cannot just sit down, and take a "time out" for many reasons... it is up to ME, for things to get done... whether I DO IT MYSELF or I HIRE SOMEONE... somehow all of what needs to be done, are things that have to be done, no matter the illnesses, pain and so forth....
One of the guys that was two years older than me died this past week! He was only 58 years old! By just looking at Sammy, no one would have ever suspected he had any health issues... I'm not sure exactly what happened, but my feeling is that maybe he had some type of cancer....
So, we MUST LIVE EACH DAY, EACH HOUR, AND EACH MOMENT LIKE IT IS OUR LAST!!!!!
I’ve felt so many different emotion since June 9th, when my Mom passed away. As I told my daughter Amanda on Friday evening over the phone, I think the entire ordeal is just now beginning to set in as reality. I catch myself wanting to call Mom to tell her something or ask her something… often times a week. Then it dawns on me, I cannot do that via telephone anymore…. I’ve put off really doing ANYTHING for just myself. I’ve been so busy taking take of all that needs to be done, from paperwork, to painting and working on the house there, that I have NOT had anything I really wanted, needed - other than the weather get nice enough and for me to be well enough to feel like going to Winstar in OK for a night. As soon as I can find a Sunday and Monday, here, there and between there is going to be nice weather I plan on going and it will be a “delayed celebration” of what would have been Mom’s 81st birthday on August 28th.
SO, I decided I CAN sit on the sofa, with my legs up, where my ankle also does not swell so badly, and THERE in the evening after dinner when these two hellions (Bub’s and Peanut” calm down - one on each side of me, would be a perfect time for me to get some writing done, more on my blog, be able to get possibly back into my advocacy work, but MAINLY WRITE! I desperately NEED to finish my 3rd book, and after what happened to Mom from this past January till June 9th, NOW I totally understand “why” my writing was “delayed”…. it is clear as day, that I MUST include all of what Mom went through along with myself, as a caretaker that needs a caretaker…. and so much that no one even knows happened…the details of each and every day being there with her those six months, even sometimes changing from hour to hour…. I witnessed such an unbelievable change in her emotionally, physically and mentally… and that is why my writing was put on hold…. I have much more to add to that journey, for myself, for her and for my kids… and Grandchildren later and those to come… SO I broke down and ordered an Apply Air Laptop. I didn’t get the “biggest” or most expensive, because some of it I probably may never use. But, the screen is large enough, and I already love the way the keyboard is laid out and back lit….
My best friend from High School Carrie and I were expecting within 2 weeks of one another. They told me Amanda would be somewhere around the very last of August, and Carrie's little girl RaeAnn was supposed to be like 2 weeks BEFORE Amanda... but alas Amanda made her entrance into the world a bit early on August 18th, and much to our surprise Carrie's pregnancy went over by two weeks and RaeAnn was born right after Amanda by about 10 days or so. I can recall Carrie being frustrated that hers didn't come as expected and I had Amanda a bit early. Carrier ate enough Mexican Food to feed Ennis back then!!!!LOL!!!!!! She would eat anything Mexican 3 meals a day, every day of the year..... and I really did not have many "real cravings' BUT I could NOT STAND the smell of bacon frying or Joy Lemon Dish Soap, both made me sick to my stomach and even after I had Amanda, for a year or so, I could not stand the smell of bacon frying... and I NEVER got over the Joy dish soap.. I hate that smell even today after 31 years!!!!
I cannot sit down into the tub really or a may never be able to get out, and with it just being me now, it is really way too large for now how it is used... it really is a shame, because one of my reasons, was to use the whirlpool, sauna etc... for my joints and muscles... but by the time I have had all of the surgeries, the strength it would take me to sit down in it, then try and get back up, well I would fear being here alone, and not able to get out.... I still love that huge shower, tub BUT ALSO, IT is insane to clean... I keep it mostly clean since it is just me now, and I spray it down with the Daily Shower Cleaner, which keeps it dry, and it keeps me from having to scrub the heck out of it so often BUT, it still has to be cleaned, and it's a job....
I have to literally get into it, to be able to clean it properly, then keeping the mold and mildew out of it, I keep diluted bleach that I put around the places because certain spots if they stay wet will get to be a mess to clean.... so it takes work to keep it clean and free from lots of germs and so forth....LOL My DOGS probably enjoy bathing in it more than I do..I can put them in there, they have plenty of room, and I have my shower nozzle that I use so they kind of get a massage, then I can have them almost dryed off completely before letting them out... so that way they don't slip on the hardwood floors when they get out... they used to chase each other after a shower, and one time Tazzy accidentally fell going around a corner, because her feet were still wet and she had a hip that hurt her for weeks... so I have to dry their feet before I let them out of the bathroom...
I AM BEGINNING AGAIN NOW TO KNOW I NEED SURGERY ON MY NECK, I NEED MY PAIN PUMP UPPED, AND WE NEED TO CHANGE MY RA MEDICATION OR DO SOMETHING BUT I just do NOT have the STRENGTH NOR WHAT I FEEL THE TIME... to spend on those things... like a couple of weeks ago, my Chiweenie, Bubs, broke a front nail on a front paw off below the quick... well it was MY FAULT... I always DREAD TAKING HIM TO THE VET... he usually puts up a fight, and we have had to muzzle him one time before... so I HATE HAVING TO DO THAT... so his nails get longer than most women's before I take him... and again they were way too long, and then he limped around for over a week because of one broken so far down into below the quick.... I finally took him in, and the last two times I've held him, and let the assistant just talk to him, while the Vet cut his nails, and we didn't have to muzzle him and in fact he did great.... so I was grateful and am going to try and keep it up and get them cut before they get TOO LONG!!!!
