Real Time, Real Life "Gore".... THIS is what I am living with at the moment...

THIS is what happens when your immune system is "Hijacked" by an Autoimmune Disease(s) - both legs with abscesses in them... just as 24 hours from when the surgeon opened these yesterday.... not a "fun" way to even remotely think about the holidays for sure....

When you are backed against a Wall - Where do you Turn? Right now I feel "Green" because of these HOLES in both thighs... sick and tired of being sick and tired.. Music, Brooks and Dunn & More...

I almost had to laugh - I come here every day just about and see the same "line" - "What do you want to talk about or what is on your mind today?" What mind? I lost that years ago..... and I am saying "How Long Gone Are You Gonna Be?" - that is my mind... and I won't be as explicit as I feel as this moment, but others have "heard" me say "bat #$@! crazy!" yes, that explains me.... to a tee... speaking of a "tee" - hell I even lost the one person that wanted to teach me to "play golf"... not that I was all that excited, but back then I was excited any time I was asked to do anything... I know some a probably wondering why all of the "lyrics"? - Guess what??? I am ONE Helluva MUSIC Lover! - You name it, from scootin' a boot, to Rap, to Blues, to the 70's, 80's, and "Classic Rock" - as long as it is not some Mozart or such, I have always loved music... most of my life, if I was not on a dance floor, then I was home dancing, as I cleaned house, or did my college work, or bought groceries, and you can take the "girl" out of the country, but you never can take the "Country" out of the girl - Ah, yes Brooks and Dunn... LOTS of reasons for them.... LOTS of awesome memories, plus they are, were and will be always the best, well there is George Strait, Kenney Chesney, & the entire entourage' of great Country musicians.... okay, well honestly, I feel like HELL, and I mean that in every way I could possibly mean, I feel like I want to throw up, die, faint, walk out the door, and never return, ah, but, try to walk even out the front door with TWO HUGE FREAKING INCISIONS in each thigh!!!! After the "lidocaine" wore off last night, not even morphine does much good.... and of course no pain pump, thus that makes it even worse..... right now, I cannot see "past" the tears, the heart break, the "lost opportunities", the times I should have LISTENED to my heart, rather than my "head" or Dad, whichever one came usually first... I have missed OUT on a great deal of "life" - and now as physically messed up as I am, some of those opportunities are never to be... shall I dance again? Well, if I can get my thighs well, yes... will I play the drums again, or the key board... I can... and probably some where down the line I will... right now NOTHING and I mean NOTHING seems "possible"... yes I did say that correctly, I feel as if every "possibility" is "Way Gone"... so, NEVER take a moment of life for granted, NEVER think next week or tomorrow.... never set in a mediocre spot in life, putting off what you SHOULD do... because within a breaths space, it can be "Way Gone"...... Here you go - You want something to truly put things in perspective:

Brooks and Dunn


"When Love Dies"
Love conquers all and someday it'll conquer you
There's nothing finer than falling all in it
When love is true
But once it goes out and breaks your heart
It still ain't history
When love dies it don't rest in peace
You can lock your doors and windows
To keep the pain at bay
Yesterday may be dead and gone
But the past wont go away
Its waiting right around every corner
With a heartache you don't need
When love dies it don't rest in peace
Oh when love dies
You cant bury those memories
Oh when love dies
It disappears but it never leaves
When love dies it don't rest in peace
How does love die then come back
A ghost rattling chains
It keeps on haunting my broken heart
Driving me insane
I hear it whisper my name in the night
Just like it still lives and breathes
When love dies it don't rest in peace
Oh when love dies
You cant bury those memories
Oh when love dies
It disappears but it never leaves
When love dies it don't rest in peace
Brooks and Dunn -


One more - my all time favorite one of their very first huge hits - then I have to muster enough moments on this computer to pay bills - and if I can get that done, then I am headed BACK to the sofa, to "Wish Upon A Star" -
"That Ain't No Way To Go"
Lipstick letters across the mirror this morning
Said, "Goodbye, baby." You left with no warning
Like a thief in the night, you ran away with my heart
I can't believe my eyes, must be a bad dream
You always said we had a good thing
You never once let on we were falling apart

That ain't no way to go. Girl, it just ain't right
Don't you think that I deserve to hear you say goodbye
That ain't no way to go. Was it all a lie
After all this time, that ain't no way to go
Getting nowhere, I'm tired of thinking
Guess I'll do a little wishful dreaming
And make a whiskey wish upon a star
Train whistle blowing down the tracks
Lonesome sound says she ain't coming back
It's such a cold blow from out of the dark
That ain't no way to go. Girl, it just ain't right
Don't you think that I deserve to hear you say goodbye
That ain't no way to go. Was it all a lie
After all this time, that ain't no way to go
Brooks and Dunn....

Not totally "getting" Life & where it leads, where you follow, who is put in your life, who "walks out", & trying to Cope....

I didn't post this on my Facebook page... and I probably should.... because the way things are in my life now, Honestly, I do NOT give a damned who thinks what.... I lived MOST of my Life "stressed" over "who said what", and "what someone else thought" and the entire thing is ridiculous.... I honestly never cared if those that were "jealous" were... I never felt I had anything to be jealous over... I worked, tried to raise my two kids, had a "modest" home in a small town, and there was not a thing for anyone to ever think I had that was worth being hateful, spiteful, and "green with envy" over.... I had my "Dad's" personality, and I never met a stranger.... I was nice to everyone, did not matter, male or female, yet out of every "boss" I had that were women, they all just could not stand my "way" around people. It was ridiculous, because each and every one of them, had more than I did, one was married to a lawyer, and had a job well over my head, ah but after "firing me" a 6 years employee, that was told my the ER doctor to stay home, a few months later she lost her job... and that happened several times.... their own "greed", "envy" and so much of their "life" spent making me and everyone miserable, yet they got theirs also.... and I never had to do a thing... just go about my own business, and allow what was to happen... happen...

But, I "lost" a dear friend... that I talked about in my last post... I had not seen him in years, and as I have had time over the weekend to think about it, I am still saddened and at a loss .... why him? Why did it take me so long to find out? Why did someone not tell me? There were not a great deal of "people" that knew about him and I... we kept it that way on purpose... we never "hid" our friendship, and I often visited him where his family business was, which was a restaurant in a nearby town, and I lived not far from there back then... So, it was never a completely hidden relationship, but we just preferred the times we spent together listening to our favorite music, and bands, and having a beer, and talking, laughing, without any distractions, without any "gossip", oh but I am sure there was plenty of gossip, I just cared NOT to listen at the time... "we" knew what we had, and that was good enough for us.... there was a respect, we treasured those times, and tried to see one another when we could, but he worked a lot, or he had other people, friends, family, and at the time... neither of us thought about "more"... what we had together, was "more".... I've had time to remember those times that I would "pop" in on a weekend, maybe a Saturday, or drive by and find his truck at home, so I stopped, or even time he was not home, but I was always "welcome" to be there, even if I just needed somewhere to get away, from all of the "crap" of my life back then...

I was and still am "angry" at myself, for not trying to contact him... I should have, I am not sure he even knew I was back in TX, and had been for a long time, just down the road a bit... but I had "my life" and lots of it during the past 13 or so years, have not been the most pleasant, plus, I guess I was "busy" with my own issues and trying to find once again a purpose, other than being SICK! With all of the "illnesses", the autoimmune problems, the surgeries, the scars from knee replacements, a shoulder replacement, finally my "pretty teeth", that were and are not "my teeth" yet they are pretty... just not the way I thought it would be...

So, after much thinking about it all, I am posting this Obituary, and what bit I could find about him... I think it is the very least I can do, for someone who was and had remained near and dear to my heart... and this morning as I listened to Brooks and Dunn, and recalled how much we loved all of their music, and how many nights, we spent dancing to those right there in his living room, I feel I must post what I know  - now.... and I hope to find out more, I would like to know what happened to him....

Ronnie Blackwell
April 19, 1957 - June 10, 2011
Former Corsicana resident, Ronnie Blackwell, 54, left this world June 10, 2011 to be with the Lord and Savior.

He was born April 19, 1957, in Corsicana to William and Corrine Blackwell.

Ronnie graduated Corsicana High School and attended Navarro College. He also served as a member of the Navarro County Peace Officers Association and Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals Organization. Literally growing up with the restaurant concept, Ronnie devoted many years of his life to continue the legacy of the family-owned business developed by his mother and father. Bill’s Fried Chicken and Cafeteria always remained a large part of his life.

Along with his interests in animal welfare and golfing, Ronnie was a Texas Longhorn fanatic. He devoted much of his time and energy by showing loyalty to support the “Burnt Orange Nation” football program.

He is preceded in death by his father, William “Bill” Blackwell.

Mr. Blackwell is survived by his mother, Corrine Blackwell; two sisters, Carol McCrory and Barbara Cantrell; two brothers, Ricky and Steve Blackwell; in addition to many nephews, nieces, great-nephews and nieces.

A memorial service will be held at 2 p.m. Saturday, July 16, 2011, at Griffin-Roughton Funeral Home Chapel with Bro. Floyd Petersen officiating.

Should friends desire, contributions may be sent to the SPCA of Texas.

Arrangements by Griffin-Roughton Funeral Home, Corsicana.

Feeling totally destroyed, Mad as Hell, and wondering WHY LIFE can be such a torment for some rather than a joy!

I've kept my mouth shut about some of the feelings I have about this entire ordeal of myself, and my Mom being not well, not well at all. I refuse to ask for help, because I know that it will NOT happen, thus I do all on my own, from fixing a lamp, to fixing my plumbing to hanging a new ceiling fan (which that one I have not done yet) I am living now with TWO severely infected places on each thigh, one of which had already been incised over 6 weeks ago and should be well. But, it has taken much longer, I guess just due to my immune system issues... then 2 weeks ago, after hearing a "weird" beeping, during one of our bad weather days, I found out my internal pain pump has a "motor stall" and I had to scramble to Dallas, to my pain docs office to meet a Rep from Medtronic, so they could turn the pump down to a "no flow" basically, and then I went in on Tuesday to see my doctor. Well, it seems on that Sunday before the pump restarted itself again. So, he turned it back to my normal rate of medications, BUT he messed up on my Bolus' that were supposed to be 1.001 every 8 hours and he put .1001, which is a huge difference. I left 2 messages, two days in a row, and I knew Friday the office was closed. So, I just kept taking my oral meds to supplement the difference, and about 9:06 AM Friday morning, the pump had another "motor stall".. so as I was about to call and leave a message that the thing had another motor stall, the nurse called about the bolus, well I stopped her, and told her we had more problems, than a bolus not right, and let her know what happened... this was in the middle of all of the horrible weather, rain, and I was not about to make a trip to Dallas for a 3rd time in a week, not in weather like that... luckily, one of the Medtronic Reps, drove all the way from Dallas, and came to the hospital here and met me to turn down the pump once again to mostly Off, no medication is being given basically, so again I can take the oral meds, and he was to "silence" the alarms, and yes they were until about an hour ago, and now for some reason, just like last Sunday, the "alarm" on the damned thing is going off again..... so I am not sure once again what is happening, because once he turned it to certain settings my own "PTM" that I use to check it and give myself the bolus' is not working. So, I have no clue what the "error message" is that it is giving.... Mom lost over 14 pounds in about 6 weeks, and I am still not having an easy time getting her to eat, and she is always confused about how to take her medication, no matter how many times I explain it, write it down, she even has a 7 day pill holder, but with the addition of a couple of new pills, she never gets it right... so I never know for sure if she is taking her medication, correctly, and when and as I said I have tried everything, from telling and explaining, to writing down the names, doses, and when to take it.... but none of that matters, she cannot get it right.... I have not even been able to go over there this weekend.... with both of these abscesses on my legs, and my pain pump stalled, I need to be close to home, plus the weather still sucks, it is cool, and cloudy, and dripping and I already feel like I have allergy mess like all of us since this rain came in and the weather changed so quickly..... but then the "trial" was supposed to be "next week" for the wreck Jim was in, in March 2014.. what a joke.... I cannot tell you what a freaking mess that entire thing is in, BUT I will tell you "how our lawyer feels" about me being sick..... after he spoke with me late Friday evening, and I told him ALL of what was going on, and he knew a part of it, because I had emailed him, but he did not know about the abscess stuff, because that had not happened yet... and his answer to me was, "Well, you KNOW you STAND TO LOSE a LOT OF MONEY if you do not testify!!!!!!!!! " and my comment back was ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD IS NOT WORTH MY HEALTH and what can I do with money if I DIE!? I am SO SICK OF THIS FREAKING TRIAL CRAP, AND IT IS A BUNCH OF CRAP! I wished i had never even been put into the "mix" of it all.... I stand to gain NOTHING ANYWAY, because, since we are divorcing, that means I am not "with him to help" so HE gains TWICE as much money since he will supposedly have to "hire" someone to take care of him.... and the lawyer gets all of a sudden 40%!!!!!!! I was told 30% in the beginning, which to me was too much, and now I know how he affords that huge, lavish, office on top of one of the largest buildings in Ft. Worth overlooking the entire city etc..... at 40% that does not leave MUCH for the injured party for sure.... I have kept quiet about this mess long enough.... I am SICK - MOM IS SICK, and I cannot even get my own church to put us on the prayer list! And it is funny HOW MUCH I HAVE GIVEN TO SO MANY because I wanted to, all types of help, information, and assistance, and YOU THINK ANYONE HAS ASKED IF I OR MOM NEED HELP??????? NO! So, the lawyer can KEEP his money, as I said if I am in a "Urn" or grave what the hell good is it to me?????? I have never "had money" and I never intended on "getting rich" off of an accident..... so they can take their money and shove it, because I wash my hands of it all..... the audacity of some to do and say what they do.... and furthermore, I want no "I am sorry" or it will get better crap either... I've heard that and it only GETS WORSE!!!!!!! Certainly NOT BETTER..... I do not think ANYONE UNDERSTANDS THE EXTENT of how serious my own health issues are at the moment, nor my Mom's.....

It is lie one day last week, I was looking at a newspaper online, probably from Corsicana. I happened to have seen an obituary about a woman from that area, and her, her husband and their entire family are very well known there. She had passed away, and I was trying to find how to get in touch with one of the sons.... he had helped me years ago, when I was having some really tough issues, and even came and took me out for my birthday in 2001, right after my heart attack. We went over to Waxahachie and ate and then he took me and bought me a box set of Stevie Nicks songs... that I have cherished and still have for years.... there were many times that I "hid" out there, when no one else "believed" what my "then jerk" of a husband was doing to me, and how much I felt threatened.... and him and I became "friends" and it was that, friends... he also had been through a tough divorce, had a "step-daughter" that totally made him almost hate kids, and I always felt I had a "safe haven" when I needed one.... even when he was not home, which he worked a lot, I could go if I needed to and stay..... I can still remember many times we spent listening to Brooks and Dunn, and several songs that totally "touched us" both at that time... and maybe.... just maybe if I had stayed in TX and not left for Seattle, something could have developed between us, but I left, it didn't... I come back and 10 years later, find myself again single....and then the irony hit.... I noticed in his Mom's Obituary it said something about she was "proceeded" in death by a son, and it was his name, I had to stop, blink and again, think gosh no, he was only about 3 years older than me, and even though he had a health issue, he actually had that under control, and was doing well.... but that was 10 years ago.... or a bit more.... actually longer than that, because I left TX, in October 2001 for Seattle.... and I did not return until Dec. 2005 and it is now 2015 so actually more like 13 or more years since our last conversation...... and then I do a search, and I find HIS OBITUARY! He passed away in 2012. I think... and I had no clue, have no idea why, how, if he got sick, or hurt, or what happened... my heart sunk... here was someone who honestly gave me the courage to get up, get out, and change my life, when everyone else thought I was the "one" with problems, and no one believed the other party had issues (until he wound up in prison, and is back again) - not even my own Dad believed me... he thought I was making it all up and I had the "problem"..... so, I was just at a loss, and trying to think of someone who might be able to tell me what happened... and there are a few people I could contact, but I am not sure I even want to "stir" that can of worms from BG....... so life can throw you a horrible curve ball, or MANY curve balls, and you never know when that ONE will be the "end"of your "earthly career"..... I am honestly MAD AS HELL right now - and normally the "hope" keeps me afloat, but at the moment I only see HURT and PAIN ahead, at 55 years old, my life totally sucks!

Another Update - Pain Pump "motor stall" again this AM, a;long with BOTH left and right lumps appear to be abscesses - AI. Lupus, Sjogren's, horrible weather and also HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ALL!

Well, Of course with me "anything" is possible or impossible... I now have what appears to be the left lump Re-infected and I am on antibiotics and an appt on Monday to incise the right one, which my thoughts are that he also "opens up" the first one also... AND if he feels they are "deep" enough, then he will probably do it over at the Surgery Center (Outpatient) and fortunately it is here in Ennis.... and then almost at the exact same time, but Thursday and this time Friday. my internal pain pump has a "motor stall"..... yes again, and I was lucky enough that the Medtronic Rep was kind enough in this horrible weather, to meet me here in Ennis at the Hospital.... thus we got it done in the lobby, and I am so pleased they have went out of their way to help me.... but I face "surgery" now to replace the pump - BUT that can't be done until these "abscesses" are under control - no way no how will they take a chance if I have an active infection going... so pray these things heal quickly.... I want to wish everyone a very SPOOKY HAPPY AND CANDY FILLED HALLOWEEN! I just hope it stops raining long enough for the kids to have fun.... I know lots of the churches will be having them inside, so the kids are not in the weather.... I am totally wiped out... I wanted to get SO MUCH MORE done today, but I think I am losing steam quickly and am headed to the sofa to watch a movie with Bub's - it is "our time" together to do that if possible....

The GOOD news is Mom's "leaky" valve is NOT why she is getting out of breath easier lately... it is due to her being so ill, losing her not just fat, but lots of muscle... so she "beefed" up or rather told her she has to get a great deal more protein in her diet AND start doing some exercises... I am taking a small 2 pound weight to her and some of the "bands" that she can attach to a chair leg etc and exercise her thighs like that... but Lord prayers answered, her heart actually sounded BETTER smile emoticon BUT of course, now I face having to have this right "lump" cut open... it is abscessing... so I see the surgeon next week... and heck the other one is not well yet completely.... when does it ever end........

My Granddaughter Turns 18 Years Old today!!!! I am so totally proud of her!

 And of Course Happy Halloween to all of the little ghosts and goblins, and those Adults that are having parties have a great celebration and be safe!

Just adding in a bit more of the above...

Well, as it stands now, the Medtronic rep, Michael, met me yesterday at the hospital here in Ennis. Due to the horrible weather I had told my pain doctors nurse there was no way, I could drive in the downpour to Dallas
yesterday. So he did meet me about 1PM or so, and he turned the pump basically down to "minimum flow" like they did last week, so I can take my oral meds and not hear that "beeping" from my side every 10 minutes.... as I almost knew this means surgery and a new pump... but it has to be approved through the insurance and so on.... BUT there are the two "lumps" both of which are abscesses, and the right one appears like it could burst open itself at any time, and it hurts like heck, especially even if I lightly brush across it with my hand.... the other one, seems a bit "better" but it also has abscessed and I am not sure what he will do... whether he will try to open it up again, as before or allow the antibiotics to try and work, probably both... and at first I thought this 2nd one on my right thigh was "smaller" but as it has become abscessed, it appears to possibly be larger and deeper than the first one... So this may call for him actually bringing me over to the surgery center and putting me to sleep in incise these both. I feel as if I am "repeating" myself here but honestly, it seems every moment something happens or changes, so I keep trying to update things, for I know some of you want to know what is happening..... Right now, I am hoping that this right one does not "burst" before Monday.... This all could not come at a worse time... for many reasons, one of which there is a possibility that the "trial" from the wreck in March 2014, may start next week. At this moment, there is no way I can go... my doctors have already cautioned me, and really prefer that I stay out of the public, since now I am even more suseptable to "more infections", and they also really prefer that I am more "off" the legs, and somewhere at home, where I can be careful NOT to either burst this right one open before I get to the doctor's office and honestly with my pain pump now basically turned to "nothing", the oral medications as strong as they are, do not really do nearly as much good as my pump.... which makes sense..... so I am not physically, nor mentally up to making a trip back and forth to Dallas, to sit in a court room at this moment - There is no way that any amount of $$ is worth me risking my life for.... I know that is a difficult thing to say, but at this moment, I would be risking me being much more ill, if I had to run back and forth for several days... I just cannot do it at this time.... as I told them once I see the surgeon on Monday afternoon, and see what he has to say, then I may know more, but frankly I do not intend on leaving the house at all if I don't have to... and I hoped to be able to go to church Sunday, but I also know that I may wake up and not feel well at all.... between the strong antibiotics and then not being well, my stomach can also give me issues... so even that I am not sure of..... again I appreciate all of your concern

UPDATE!!!! Pain pump stall, My Mom's health issues and finding out today about this breathing problem and hoping it is NOT her heart valve & dealing with LIFE and Autoimmune everything!!!!

Okay everyone, please PRAY for MOM and MYSELF! She sees the Cardiologist this morning, and I PRAY her shortness of breath is NOT her HEART! She has a very "leaky" valve and I think I explained before why the shortness of breath... and our Cardiologist has had it under control with medications, and her not taking in as much fluid daily... but she has not been well at all over the past 2 months or so... and now her Kidney functions are low, which they were a bit better earlier this week but she still has to see a Nephrologist next week. I am praying the shortness of breath is possibly allergy related, because she does have allergies, like many of us, developed the late in life.... but if it is her heart, it could mean open heart surgery.... AND as far as my pain pump... I am NOT out of the woods yet.... it appears that it "restarted" itself out of the stall on Sunday... which is weird, because the Rep from Medtronic that saw me last Friday, had turned off the alarms, so they would not drive me nuts, but I kept hearing it go off, until Sunday.... but they had turned the medication basically to a minimum so I could take oral pain meds until we do surgery to replace the pump.... SO, yesterday my pain doc... did put my meds back going as they were... and he told me, not to get too excited yet, because it could do this again, and for the next 48 hours or so, I am having to watch it very closely... BUT, he also made a mistake when he reset the pump to send me the meds.... I have an "optional" Bolus every 8 hours... I can give myself an extra amount of medication... well he sat it WAY LOW rather than were it should be.... it was supposed to be 1.001 and he missed the decimal and put it at .1001 which is a HUGE difference... so now my bolus is really not doing a thing for me... that is just nothing compared to what it should be... so I called yesterday and left a message... but I guess I will here back today sometimes.... so between all of that, Mom, and now it looks like this stupid other "lump" on my right thigh is also in the process of going to "abscess"... it is now turning red and appearing like it might... plus I had been running fever off and on for a few days... which I thought was the pump issue causing it, but now I thinking this stupid lump could be the problem... when it rains it comes a flood on my life it seems.... lots of other things also... so there is what I know for now.... I appreciate all of you that are praying for us.... Rhia