When LIfe decided is to Just apart where do you turn, what do you do, and how to cope, deal, and figure out all of the why's, what's, how's. when's... chronic pain and I am in INTRACTABKE OAUB due to my PAIN PUMP STALLING & Meaning surgery for a new one!

I know there are "lots" of sayings, what does not "kill" us makes us stronger, when life gives you lemons, make lemonaide.... and so forth but WHEN ENOUGH OF DESPAIR, GRIEF, AND MISERY... ALONG WITH EVERYTHING GOING WRONG... COMES AROUND all of those "sayings" fly the heck out the window.... i was already in enough pain and despair, and now for my pain pump to decide of all times to "stall"... this is just not a good thing at all for me.... I am desperate....

Yes, right now is the very WORST time for my pain pump to decide to go out... and there is no way to "fix" it... once it "stalls" as mine has, then major surgery and a new one is the only way to take care of the issue. OF course my pain doctor prescribed a massive dosage of Morphine Extended Release to try and make up for "some" of the lack of the pain pump, but there is really no way to give me enough "oral medication" to take care of all the pain.. I have had a bit of what I might call "withdrawal" but not so much that as it is severe and almost intractable pain since it finally completely went out. They basically "stopped" it on Friday - Medtronic who makes this pump, has reps that help with these matters... so one of the Reps met me at my pain docs office on Friday morning, and even though he was in OR, his nurse was able to get hold of him and they decided to turn the pump to "a minimum" dose which is basically nothing... once all of the meds finally went through the catheter that delivers the meds to my spinal canal, then of course the pain began and yesterday was horrible. I almost did not even find the morphine... in fact I called here in my home town almost every pharmacy before leaving Dallas... because I felt I may have problems finding that high dose of medication in Ennis. But, fortunately one of our pharmacies did have it... so I came straight home, dropped it off, got Mom to her house, and picked up the meds.,, I knew I did not have very long before I would not have any medication in my body, and so it was... by the time I picked up the script, got home, and settled in, I had to take a pill, and since then I am alternating between the MS Contin ER and then my Oxycodone, which is my oral medication I took even with the pump for times that I had more pain than others... It is very difficult to take someone who was being given about 11mg's right into my spinal fluid daily of Dilaudid, and try to replace that with "oral medication"... as I said they really cannot give me enough, not by mouth .... the pain pump delivers it straight to my spinal fluid, thus I never had any side effects, no breathing problems, or anything that oral pain medications cause. Since they do not go through my entire system, then I take a much smaller amount daily, yet it is much much more efficient, and without all of the issues that as I said oral meds cause... I knew that the pump had about a life of 7 to 10 years... and then it would have to be replaced... the battery life in them is about 8 years average, thus they were puzzled as to why it had a sudden "motor stall"... it is rare, very rare, but heck whatever is "very rare" I can know will happen to me, always does.... they even asked me if I had been around anything electromagnetic, like an MRI, or such because that will cause it to stall, but no the only thing I went through was at the court house two times to take paperwork in to the District Clerks office and went through the metal detector, but that has been now about 2 weeks since my last time, so that should not have caused the problem... I even stay away from my microwave... I turn it on, then back away... even though it is not supposed to have any effect on it, I have always been extremely cautious because of the pump and knowing that certain things can harm it.... I have been to the docs offices several times over the last couple of months, with me and my Mom, but still nothing as far as any type of equipment that should effect the pump... I even thought since I had been doing lots of stuff here at the house, moving big plants around and lifting some stuff maybe I did something to it, but nothing like that would cause the motor to stall... and as far as the tubing from it to my spine, it was there in the beginning and has been "grown into " the place now for 5 plus years, so that should not effect it... I had a couple of chest Xrays but that should not bother it either.... I had been moving plants around and potting soil... so I had lifted some things that I probably should not have but that was more due to my back, and my shoulder replacement, and nothing to do with the pump... and why now.... who knows??? as I said this is the very worst time for this to happen... I have Mom and her problems and she has a couple of doc appts but both fortunately are here in town, so even if I can't go she can go by herself... she would not understand anything they say probably... but that I can find out so I am not all the concerned about that... but then there is the issue of the "court hearing" if the truck driver that ran over my soon to be ex-husband that now they still have not offered a settlement... so if that does not happen this week basically that means a jury trial that may last a week or more and that means a trip to Dallas every day for me.... and if I have surgery, there is no way my doctor will allow me to even "ride" to Dallas and sit in a court room, much less drive myself... and this needs to be done ASAP - as soon as the insurance gives the okay, the pump surgery needs to be done.... which hopefully will be this week sometimes.... I have all of the divorce paperwork done and the court date for that is not until Jan 4th, so that is not a problem... thank goodness I did get the papers all done and filed.... anyway, I was in the middle of trying to adopt a new puppy also, and now I thought Mom's stuff would make me postpone that but now, until I have this surgery, I have to postpone getting a new puppy, and will probably have to have my dog sitter to come over and check on Bub's.... I maybe in the hospital 2 days and a night... and should be home after that... but I will be sore and tired for a few days once that is done.... anyway, it is all just a horrible mess right now... and honestly I don't know which way to turn... I had to miss church this morning, but I am in so much pain, there was just no way I could get dressed to go... plus the weather here is horrible, cooler, still raining, and even though we did not have as much flooding, some of our roads are still flooded in places, and you have to watch where you drive.... anyway, I have not even felt like getting into the shower and I have to do that, but I thought I would wait until a bit later in the afternoon, and when I have enough of my pain meds in me, then I can get in the shower and I am sure the warm water will help some of this pain... I have discovered one thing..... again not good... MY LOWER lumbar spine does need surgery.... after the pump meds began to wear off, my lower lumbar spine/sacral is causing me so much pain, almost more than anywhere else... so now I know why at times even with all of the meds I've had problems there... I had been told I needed at least a one level surgery there, but I know that does now need to be addressed.... it is effecting even my legs badly, the pain down both of them is terrible.... so again not a good thing... but it does tell the story of what problem I am having with my lower spine that effect my hips and my legs.... Thank you all for the thoughts and prayers... I cannot really sit here much, so I have not been online other than now, and earlier to post at first what was going on... I need all the prayers I can get right now... I don't even know who will get me to have the surgery, then drive me home afterwards.... so there are many "little" things that are "big things" with all of this....

NNow just when I thought it could NOT get WORSE my Pain pump Stalls!

Well I only thought things could not get worse - my PAIN PUMP "Stalled" yesterday and now I am probably getting no medication at all from it... I did not figure out until late yesterday the "beeping" sound I was hearing was my Pump going off and not my weather radio! O had taken a bolus in the morning about 8 AM yesterday, but then at 4 PM I started to give myself a bolus and it make the sound  like not it was not time yet... so I looked at it and discovered it was sending out an error message "8476" that means "Call your doctor, pump has stalled" now it is going off about every 15 minutes and I am beginning to "know" by the way I feel I am not getting medication.... but my pain docs office is closed on Fridays and I left a message at almost 5 yesterday in fear I would hear from no one, thankfully the nurse had gotten my message, called the Rep from Medtronic who called me right back himself... but the only way to know what is going on for sure, and what to do to "fix it" is meet him where he can run diagnostics on it... that means going to Dallas this morning in possibly HORRIBLE weather.... which I hate Dallas without slick roads much less slick ones and raining... but I have not much choice... I am beginning to "feel" the withdrawals from me not getting meds, and the pain is slowly getting worse... I have oral pain meds to take, but I have to make sure, that I am not getting meds from the pump, so I don't take too much oral pain meds... I am just through with it all... I've already been in a horrid mood and feeling about things all week, with everything going on, the vvery last thing I need is to possibly face "surgery" on this pump... if it cannot be "fixed", then they can turn it off, but that mean oral meds, which will take a great deal more medication than with the pump... I am just at my wits end... I did not sleep, I am beginning to know the pain meds are not in my system, and the pain is increasing, and now I face if I go horrible weather to boot to Dallas..., it never ends... plus No one to take me on top of it all....

Where do you turn when there is nowhere to turn you feel like???

I just cannot begin to even tell what all has went on with me over the past 10 days, but this has been one of the worst weeks in my life, and it is like I see no end in sight...


I had a "plumbing" issue and thought I had taken care of it... well then I go to check my "clean out" to make sure, and I still had some standing water, from my washer in it, and I knew the weather is going to get back, and with Winter coming on, I certainly did not need a plumbing problem... it sucks because I just had all new pipes put i=under the house, and then even replaced a large section of our outside sewer line a couple of years back. So, it is all almost new, and even the cleanout itself we added a new one in, in order to hopefully not run into bad issues again....

In fact one of the guys from out city water dept. told me tree roots are really bad about getting into the pipes as they age... they can somehow get into them, and he told me to get a cheap container of bleach, and pour down that clean out once every month or so, and that would stop the tree roots from getting so bad... and it has slipped my mind, but once I had poured some of that in, and also went and got some liquid cleaner and poured down it, I thought I had remedied it... so Monday, he comes out, runs the auger through it, said he cleaned it out over 90 feet, and the only thing he found was possibly some ball of cotton or something, and it was okay... well that took 5 minutes and 130.00 later out of my pocket to be fixed....

Okay, then my Mom and I have been for followups for our PCP..he keeps an eye on her, blood pressure, and she has had some issues with UTI's and he watches me every 3 months due to the Lupus.... of course I have just went through the abscess on my left thigh, and it is still not completely well, and I still have the hard lump on the other thigh, but it just has not gotten larger... but it is there and should not be, and if I can ever get the other leg well, I feel it needs to come out and be biopsied due to the Lupus, RA, Sjogren's and my history of autoimmune stuff, and the medications, it could be a "sarcoma" and/or maybe just a benign lipoma, but still I do need to have the surgeon remove it.... so my blood work comes back and again I am still anemic... which I have been now for a couple of years, enough that I take B-12 injections every month, and should be taking pills daily, but with all of my other meds, my stomach just had a difficult time with so much medication....

So, then I get a call, and my Mom's "kidney function" labs, came back very "low", which means her kidneys for some reason are not ridding the waste as they should... so she went back for more labs yesterday, but I had to find a Nephrologist, and she sees him in early November.


She is still too thin, lost way too much weight, she stays totally confused about her medications, appts, even going to the store, I almost feel she is just not able to go alone right now... whatever we both went through at first about 3 months ago with what seemed to be a "stomach bug".... has worked into neither of us eating very much, nothing tastes right, and there is not much I can even think of that I want to eat... and I have lost weight also, but I wanted to... so for me that was fine... I did not lose like she did...

She is getting very feeble, and if she does not take the Meclazine, like I do daily, even yesterday I could tell she was kind of "off balance" at Wally World... and then to top that off she is complaining about being short of breath, which last time we went through that we found out she has a "leaky valve" in her heart, that lets the blood with oxygen flow backwards, thus not getting enough of it through her body and lungs... but we had fate on our side, and for the time, her cardiologist was able to contain it without open heart surgery, by reducing her fluid intake, and her taking more Lasix, which keeps the flow a bit lower, and it does not flow backwards as much...

But, now once again, and it could be allergies, it could be a touch of COPD, her age, and even her just being so ill for so long... she went through a huge ordeal with her intestines and stomach... and come to find out she had not been taking her GERD medications in months and months I guess. She was on one prescription and somewhere down the line, I guess she lost track, or whatever and she was not taking GARD meds, which was a lot of the stomach issues, and then she tends to be "obsessed" in going to the "bathroom" - and when I began to read on this, the elderly people especially if they are having some dementia issues, or Alzheimer's, they become "obsessed" with their bathroom habits... how much, how many times a day, and on and on - and when we finally thought all of it had been resolved, then she takes a medication the doctor gave her "if" she is constipated.... but if not then she does not need to take it.... but again, she did not understand, so then she began having "accidents"... and I told her Mom, you do not need to take that medication, if you are not having a problem going... it will cause you to have "accidents" if it is not necessary.... anyway, I also have told her over and over, and over again, if she will USE THE FIBER DAILY, she will NOT have issues with being constipated.... and then she will not need that medication..... Once I found out about the "fiber" that is now "clear" and is does not "thicken" up like the first ones that came out, or even the Gummies... I hate Gummires but if I take two of those in the morning and two at night... then I have no problems as far as my stomach, intestinal tract and so forth..,

So, then I wanted to get a new puppy. I've decided that even though it has not been that long since Tazzy passed away, I felt that both Bub's and I both would "feel better" and have something "positive" to look forward to and I just feel that it is a good thing for him and myself.. but I've been through the mill trying to "adopt"... I never had to give out so much information, and have all of these references, and on and on.... I've adopted several pups in my years, and even a few cats.. and of course they wanted to "know" some about me, but not like it is now.... and I "get" they must watch whom they have that adopts these animals, but I've had dogs now most all of my grown life, and cats... and I got Tazzy in Seattle for a Christmas present, and we purchased her, and I also purchased Bub"s as a puppy, so I've never had any issues when it came to adopting or buying a new pup....

So, in beetween trying to find time to go look at a puppy over in Waxahachie, and trying to take Bub's in for his shots, and nails clipped, and then I have about 50 houseplants I needed to "de-critter and bring in before the weather gets bad, and then having to take Mom for all of her stuff, and run errands... and you name it, put my own lawn mower back together, and went and bought a new gas can, since my neighbor never returned mine, and I guess I am too stupid to use the "new ordeal" types of gas holders, because I poured gas on my hands and so forth yesterday evening, just rying to put some in the mower to see if it will crank... I replaced the entire pulley mechanism, the air filter, the oil, and the spark plug, but I have heck trying to start it, because I no longer have enough strength in my arms to pull on it....

Well, I had also spent two weeks cleaning out my storage building and throwing stuff away that had been under the carport... and guess what? Do you think one neighbor would ask me if I needed help???? They even saw me this morning, regrettingly having to toss away some of my beautiful house plants, but ants have taken up around the roots, and the only thing to do is throw them away,,, and one of them was my very first "airplane" plant, the "Momma" plant, and out of it, I had between 50 to 70 plants, along with a couple of others.... so I bring my Palm in that doubled in size over the summer, and some of my other larger plants, I get them in, and then find ants in the bottoms of two of them outside.... so then I got paranoid, that these in here maybe have ants, and even after spraying them, and letting them stay out until they dry, I now am making to watch for signs of ants, because I certainly do not want those in my house....

My Chi-Weenie Bub's already has a very huge issue, with allergies, and sneezing, plus he stays "itchy" all the time... and sometimes snores... so I something he is allergic to and I surely don't want to make it worse by finding I have brought ants in the house...


I've had to miss twice being able to go see a new puppy due to running everywhere else, and now the weather was suppsed to get very bad, so I postponed Bub's Vet visit for today, and now dammit the weather seems fine and I could have taken him anyway... s that upsets me.... his nails are so long, and he will not allow anyone to touch his feet, last time I had to muzzle him, because he nipped at my Vet's assistant and I just hate having to put that thing on him,,,,,

Now my own Rheumatologist appt did not really turn out well... of all days, and I had been ill for weeks with a Flare before i went, and then finally the day arrives so I can go see him, and that is the one day, I am "feeling better" and my knuckes were not swollen as they have been, then he gives me a flu shot, and I will be damned if for the first time, the shot made me sick!!! I know they should not, but I came down running a fever, chills, feeling totally exhausted and weak for like 5 days after the shot.... I even asked my PCP and my Pharmacist if they have had others complain about it, and I know my Pharmacist said Yes, so I figure due to my autoimmune issues and all of the added stress, I may have had a "case" of the flu, and but I had a Lupus Flare, but until I had the vaccine for two weeks, they could not give me one at that moment, because it had only been a week, and it takes two for the vaccine to have its full effect... and if they had given me an injection and dosage pack then it may have made the flu vaccine less effective... so now it has been two weeks, and I still have the flare, but I feel like hell now and my fatigue is so bad, I don't even have enough strength to take myself to see my PCP...

Then there is the ordeal of finding a New "Medicare Advantage PLan"  especially for me... even though the "Obama" ordeal should have stopped the "Medi-gap" policies for "discriminating" against me because I am not 65 yet, they still do... and the one I found would cost me 700.00 A MONTH just to have a Medi-Gap" policy.

But, Untied Healthcare, Secure Horizons SUCK, SUCK, SUCK, AND MORE SUCK!!!! That was the worst mistake I made changing from Humana over to them last year.., they are liars, they are scammers, they drive myself and my Mom nuts with constant phone calls, mail and you name it.... wanting to have a "home visit" or "check my medications" and as I have told them, I DO NOT NEED a home visit, and my medications are fully understood, and I have no need for them to disrupt my life, and furthermore I AM TOTALLY PEEVED AT AARP!!!!! They should be ashamed of themselves for "sponoring" such a lousy, no  or even our Urgent Care.... it is insane.. so now I have to make that decision for both Mom and myself as to whom to go to and what type of a plan etc....

Then there is this entire ORDEAL about this "accident" that happened in March 26th 2014.. when my soon to be ex-husband as I had been told at first was accidentally "tapped" going into the Dallas area on I-45, and they spun the car out of control, Jim claims he remembers nothing, and now they are saying that "HE" initially hit the edge of the Tahoe on the back, and it went off the highway, but an 18 wheel tractor trailer who was behind Jim, was on his cell phone, and if he had not been, he would not have RAN OVER the car!!!! This had not been like 18 MONTHS ago and is still ongoing!!! Rather than "mediate" which is what we felt the whole time they would do, it appears they will go to trial, which means once again, my life turned upside down and right side out, and in all honesty, I do not even know WHY I am a part of this????? Jim left 4 months ago, and I found out, that he stands to get "double" the suit, if I AM NOT with him!!! Good reason to suddenly move back to Seattle, and me not know why.... after 13 years together, and 10 married, even with all of his issues now not able to walk, drive, and the list goes on and on, he all of a sudden gets a ticket, and flies back to Seattle.... So, later I learn that he gets "double" the money if I am not "his caretaker" anymore... and what about my CARETAKER????? I can't even get a neighbor to help me move something heavy, and now they act like I "ran him off" the ones next door will not speak, and he used to mow the lawn and help us out, the whole time Jim was here, the day Jim left, it is like I DO NOT EXIST!!!!!

Now, it appears this "could go to trial" which means a week or more going to Dallas everyday to a court, and honestly, I feel this has all been a "shaft" on my acct... he is getting the money, unlike what I was told in the beginning, even though it has caused me to LOSE all of my Teeth, have major complications with my Lupus and RA, the stress I am already under is bad enough, and my doctors continue to tell me if I don't get some "peace of mind" I may not survive a 3RD ONE!!!!!!

So, I am SICK AND TIRED OF ALL MY LIFE, TURNED UPSIDE DOWN... and I feel as if I am just a DOORMAT.... when I can "help" then everyone is after me... yet, when it comes to me needing help, everyone seems to "disappear".....

I feel like my time is so totally wrapped up in something else, or someone else, that I can't sit down to work on my blog, write my book and finish it, I feel like I've had to let myself get behind on my advocacy work - everything my life that "matters" to me, not just health wise, but my pup, and now after Tazzy passing away, Bub's and I feel all alone, and I can tell he is continuing to miss her terribly... but because of other "stuff", I could not even shake loose long enough to go look at a pup for adoption, and had the chance today, yet the weather says we are supposed to have 100% thunderstorms, lightening, flash floods, and is could even hail... well, I can't run over to Waxahachie, not knowing whether the weather might turn horrible within moments... it just now began to sprinkle here, and I could have went and took Bub's for his shots and his nails cut, but it appeared as if that weather would be here about the time I needed to go to the Vet... and alas I could have gone, never fails... so now that is postponed, and I had to postpone going to Waxahachie, as I said I certainly can't take a chance into getting into a flash flood, or powerful thunderstorm, or some idiot running over me.. which happens quite frequently on 287 when the roads are DRY, much less any rain on them....

Then it is my own health issues, lots I have "left undone" simply because I have to get my Mom feeling better, and make sure she is not having some really terrible kidney issues, or something going on now with that valve in her heart.... those things are terribly important.... yet, my life, my home, my car, my Bub's, me.... all of that is also crucial, if I a not WELL, whether emotionally, physically, or mentally, then I am certainly no good to anyone else...

It always takes me back to the "spoon theory"..... I ONLY HAVE so many "spoons" a day and it gets to the place, that I feel as if I have "less" each day.

So, when I have, let's say 10 spoons - and to do my laundry, take out the trash, put a chicken on to cook in my Crockpot, bake a cake, and try to deal with just getting a "few" of my houseplants in before the cold hits.... that is already over 5 spoons, and if I take a shower, than that uses at least 2 to 3 spoons, depending on it I have to dress to go out to town, run errands, and so on.... by the time I "fix" Bub's and I dinner, make sure all is well, locked up, and even try to get online enough to write either here, on FB, my blog then I have already "borrowed" spoons from the next day....

And if I am already not well, especially dealing with a Lupus Migraine and a flare, then that strips me of 4 spoons or more before anything else begins in a day.... then errands, medications, taking Mom to the store, or to do labs, or to shop, or having to go and pick up 5 or 6 gallons of drinking water... we refuse now to drink our tap water, or if there are bills to pay, or I have medications to pick up, and I've used DOZENS of SPOONS way too far in advance, trying to upstop my sewer line, completely redo the wiring in a big lamp... I have a ceiling fan, and I need to get it up in my living room, then I find that I don't have just ONE broken window that has been "broken" and held together with duct tape and cardboard now for months, due to it hailing, I also found another broken one yesterday in my bedroom and I have no clue to even why it is cracked all the way across it side to side.... plus in that spare bedroom where the other one is, I have another one that someone tried to "repair" by caulking up the hole in it, but all of those 4 or 5 windows back there are so brittle, and they are so loose, because all of the sealant has fallen away or had gotten so brittle, that they ALL need to be replaced or at least replace the two that are broken and then pin and glaze the others... and I have the push pins and glaze, but guess what??? I know how, but cannot find the time to do it, nor can I find the time to pain my house.... which I wanted to do before the colder winter came in, I have two gallons of brand new outside white paint, and I have already had them back once to be shaken so I could begin painting, but of course there is always something that takes me away from what I feel I need to be doing... all are important and yes, I could "hire" someone to put in the ceiling fan, and replace the windows, but on the monthly check I receive from my Social Security, there is no way, I can afford to have people hired to come to do it.... and as I said, above, as many times as I have done things for others, out of the kindness of my heart, you think anyone standing in these yards around me, will offer to help??? NOT ONE!!!!

I have to wonder where I went so wrong, that I feel I am totally being punished, and I have no clue as to why.....

As someone told me not long ago, "You are TOO nice"! Start saying NO to some of this stuff... if it is going to cause me to lose out on time I need to spend doing things that are important for myself, Bub's and my home, then there needs to be a moment to stop and say, hey, I would love to, but I am just too far behind, and I am too overwhelmed as it is, so I have to decline.... but I find it difficult to do that....

Dowes this have anything to do with autoimmune illnesses, Lupus, RA, Sjogren's, Invisible Illnesses, Chronic Pain, Chronic Fatigue, medications and so forth YES!!!!! Yes it has all to do with them... I am no longer able to DO it ALL! BUT WHERE DO YOU FIND A PLACE TO FINALLY SAY NO!.... THERE IS WHERE I AM AT A LOSS...

Life Ongoing and Fleeting, Memories of a Time that seems like a blink of an Eye ago, dealing with AI's, Lupus, RA, Friends or lack of them, & All we are thrown daily to contend with....

WOW! I bet a few of you are saying! It has been a long while since I posted so early. I used to be up by 5AM, and that all changed several months back. I began to stay up much later than I did, thus I find myself not getting up before the dawn appears. I am honestly not looking forward to cold weather. It at one time was almost my favorite time of year, especially around the 2-3 weeks of February. Not due to my birthday BUT that is when we always planned and went on our annual snow skiing trip... it happened to fall right around my birthday, and WOW, I planned for that all year long... before we even finished getting home good from one trip, I was already setting up a "Christmas fund" at the bank where I used to work, and that money was always for the trip & Christmas also. I watched the weather all the way up to that last moment, just thrilled to be going back to Wolf Creek Pass, and Pagosa Springs CO... and also Santa Fe NM... Some of my most incredible memories are wrapped around that time in my life and I would give anything to be able to go again... I am not so sure about the skiing anymore even though I would love to try once more... but that was long before knee replacements shoulder replacements, cervical neck surgery and autoimmune illnesses.... so it would also mean in order to snow ski, back to walking that 5 miles a day I did for the entire year before we went.... and even at that, it still wore me out to ski especially if we skied 4 days rather than 3... I did have several video's of us, we took a camera and taped us a couple of years, and right now I am not even sure where those are... since then with all of the moving etc... they have been placed gosh knows where, but I still can replay each moment in my mind... my favorite part which was like a half open pipe, the sides way high up so when I skied, I went up one side, down into the "pipe" and back up the other... everyone knew if I was difficult to find that was where I would be LOL....then there was the time, and I had a pair of NEON GREEN snow pants/snow suit - and it was a pretty sunny day and I had been headed through some trees, and as I made one last little jump, one of my skies decided to stay behind, so here I was sliding through the trees on my stomach flat and just laughing... some guy and his wife were behind me and saw it, and he yelled at me "Looks good from behind here"! OMG - His wife hit him.... LOL! another one of those "moments" that get etched in our minds, and something that I will never forget... like the outdoor hot tub and it snowing on you when your were in it, and the indoor pool we ran and got in as soon as we got out of the hot tub... and the place we ate breakfast each morning, where the Elk came came a hill on the other side of the road and we watched them each morning, or the Mexican Food place we ate at when we got back from skiing - and they would fix me a "hot toddy" because I would always come in with a sore throat... LOL!!!! and how Pagosa Spings (which was like "Hot Springs Arkansas) due to the hot springs there the entire town smelled like rotten eggs.... LOL... you just got used to it after a day or so... and it did not matter because.... I WAS SNOW SKIING! I could sit here and almost write a novelette about my experiences going skiing for many years there during my 30's I believe.... and why that came to mind this morning, I am not sure, maybe the Winter/Fall chill in the air, or the fact, that rather than think about ALL I need to get done, I would much rather think of just how incredible those years were for myself, friends and my kids even went a couple of times... that was when Amanda my daughter was probably about 8 or so and the first time I sent her for "lessons"... she came walking down the hill with one ski in her hand... and I thought she was hurt... no, but the tree she ran into was bruised and her ski broken! LOL! She decided she did not need lessons, so off she went on the "bunny slope" herself, ran into a tree and busted the boot off of her ski first rattle out of the box! Thank goodness they were rented and insured so we got a new one right away! :) Those years have come and gone, but the memories made will remain brightly lit in my mind forever.... (or I hope they will).... Lately, life has been nothing more than one big ball of knotted, tied up, strung out, a mess of a ball of thread... it seems everywhere I turn there is something I need to do, somewhere I need to be, or an errand to run, medication to pick up, and now I have to all a plumber today... I thought I had remedied my problem but I have not, thus now I plumber has to be called and I don't look forward to that... it does not take long for a bill to get large when you have to call in a professional... in all of my undertakings, as FINALLY I FIXED A LAMP that my Mom had and it quit working. It is a pretty lamp, nothing wrong but I knew the "socket" had gone bad in it... well I bought the kit, with even a new cord in it, just so I would make sure ALL was new... it took me about 5 days in all to figure it out, and even though it was not difficult, in my head I had a portion that I was seeing to be more difficult than it was... so on Friday, it dawned on me what I was doing wrong, and sure enough, I got it all together and working! So, my DIY skills can work still, sometimes it just takes longer than it used to... same way with anything now days... I find myself yesterday in need of needing to sweep well (Swiffer), then "Wet Swiffer" my hardwood floors and mop my kitchen... and then I needed to vacuum, dust, etc... BUT, it took me so long to just get the hardwood floors done, in between all of the other "little" things I had to do, that by the time I was ready to vacuum, it was already after 4PM, I had told Mom I would drop by an lite her heater again, so I had to stop, decide to vacuum "tomorrow" so today, and then I wondered why it took me so long to do those floors??? I used to have been able to clean the bathroom, do all of that vacuuming, dusting, mopping the hardwood flooring, and so on, and still have plenty of time... but not anymore... for one, my energy is not what it used to be... I am much slower about things now... I had not been to church in 2 Sundays to do being sick, so I wanted to make sure I went yesterday. So, even though I knew I would come home to "chores" I got dressed and went to church first...yet by the time I ran home, changed clothes, went and picked up a couple of things from 2 stores, got home, and done that cleaning, it was already 4PM! By the time I got over to Mom's, lit her heater, visited for a bit, and got home it was already almost 5:30 and I had no clue what I wanted to have for dinner... and Bub's was looking at me like, "Hey, you have to feed us!" LOL!!! I almost settled for PBJ Sandwich, but I had some leftovers I managed to warm up and add a bit to, so he and I had a good dinner.... I guess he did he was not really even wanting dessert later in the evening when we watched a movie! Now, once again it is Monday - another ONE OF THOSE! I am sure that sounds silly for someone who is disabled, and does not have to "leave home" for work any more... but you know, I still have as much if NOT MORE to do now, and a lot less energy to deal with it all... so "Monday" is also one of those "Mondays" for myself also... it is trash day, and the beginning of usually errands, doctors, meds, running, phone calls and "stuff" to take care of... and that is exactly right... I have a list on a smaller yellow pad BUT it is 2 PAGES long! So, just because I am no longer "employed" outside of the house, I still have a ton of stuff to take care of... I need to have some of my meds refilled, and call to schedule an appt for my Mom at one of her doctors, and take Bub's to the Vet in the next couple of days, he needs his rabies shot and his back toenails cut which I DREAD! Neither of my dogs liked their feet touched... and he actually "nipped" at the Vet's assistant last time I had him in, so that means I have to "muzzle" him and I hate that!!! Thus of course his nails are way too long and no matter how I try he will not let me cut them... I have tried every thing in my power to get him to let me cut his nails, but him and Tazzy hated their feet messed with... ONE THING I WILL do differently with a new pup.... CUT THEIR NAILS RIGHT OFF MYSELF... and avoid having to take them in, have to muzzle one, like Bub's, and it saves a great deal of time and heart ache for me, because I just hate having to put that thing on him....and I even tried at home at one time to muzzle him, but he is so strong with his front paws, that he can pull it off, if I don't have anyone to help hold his feet down while I do muzzle him... so to the Vet we go, and I know she will faint, because most women would envy how long my dogs nails got and get... it is just nuts... but since they are in the house, they don't wear them down like outside dogs do....

I've been in such a tangled mess with my life in the past several months... I feel as if I am NEVER "caught up" - I always feel like I am 5 steps behind what I need to be doing, I am so slow at everything... I even had my hair cut all off short, so I don't have to take time with it because I feel as if I can spend that time doing something else other than messing with my hair...but the sad thing is I bought color for it gosh, 3 or 4 weeks ago I guess, and I STILL HAVE NOT found the time to color it! Something else always seems to take priority or by the time I may find a moment to do it, I am too tired to fool with it, so here it sits on my desk, as a reminder of one of the MANY things that need to be done....

As I stopped a moment to make out a Birthday Card for My Granddaughter, Heather, who will be 18 on the 30th of this month, again memories flood my heart, she met me when she was only 2 years old, and "Nana Pam" now is what her and both of her brothers call me. I've been able to "watch" them grow up through here, Facebook, - my daughter has been so great about posting all of their vacations, school functions, prom, homecoming, football season, Heather being a cheerleader, in volleyball, their vacations, the boys and all of the excursions they go on with their Dad and their Mom, my daughter Amanda, and again, how time has flown by so quickly just makes me wonder how life can go by within the beat of a heart, within a breaths space.. it seems I just met her - a tiny little thing, and here she is all grown up about to be 18 and off to college! My how life can truly rush by... at times I am sad because I am far enough away that I have not been there physically to witness all of their triumphs, but as I said my daughter blesses me with so many photo's of all of their special times that I feel like a piece of me is always there - watching as they grow into young guys and soon Heather a young woman off to college to follow her own dreams.

I often "feel" for our kids now days. This world has truly changed so much, and in many ways, NOT GOOD! There is so much more rivalry, rather than chivalry out there now... where there used to be goodness and gratefulness, has been moved to being greedy and just down right hateful and mean.... people are "bitter" about so many things, and of course in some ways, they have the right to be bitter. When you stop a moment, and think of all the horror daily not just in other countries but right here on our own soil, in our schools, colleges, Malls, everywhere there are "people" there seems to be a "person" which is is difficult to call someone a "person" when they want to do harm to other innocent people... but it is all around us... NONE of us "immune" from that fact.

Yet, there are still "good people" those who are kind and generous. They do for others, and not because they have to, but because they "want to".... I have a dear friend who is really going through a very tough time .... she is fighting the big "C" word, after having it back a first time while we were basically still in High School - and then here it is 30 plus years later, and again she is battling it... trying to work, never has a bad thing to say about anyone else, an is always so very grateful for those around her that do all they can to help, out of the kindness of their hearts, not because they "have to", but because they "want to"....

And I partially because most of my family is gone, My Dad and all of his siblings, parents and so forth passed away, and even some of his cousins and so on also gone. I was basically an only child, and have a "half brother" but he was at least 15 years plus older than me, went into the Air Force and spent 20 years much of it overseas in England. He retired from the service years ago and then they settled in North Richland Hills in the Dallas area and he was working for one of the big helicopter flight simulator places I believe. So, my Mom's parents have both passed away, she has lost both siblings, an older brother and his wife, and lately her younger sister to cancer... so when it comes to "family" especially close family, I really only have Mom and my two kids and of course my daughter's family. Even at that they are hours and hours away, and my son, also at least an hour or so away, with a job of his own, and life to also deal with.

So, last week when it came time to try and "adopt" a pup I did not realize the entire realm of red tape involved. It has been years since the last time I actually adopted a cat or dog... my last two, Tazz was a Christmas present and we bought her in Seattle, and Bub's I also bought him when he was just a puppy.... so when I get this email wanted ALL of this stuff and THREE references - asking ALL about my home, yard, how I was with my past animals etc... I was like I don't have that many people that are here close enough to give me 3 of them... but Jim was gracious enough to fill one out and my Mom helped me out, and hopefully with those, and everything I've told them, along with Vet records from my current one, whom is just a sweetheart and I am so happy she is back in town also... we went to school together... and then my other Vet that took care of them for years before Venetia Shafer at BlueBonnet Vet Clinic came back... I am hoping that is enough .... I've been racking my brain to think of someone else... of course my daughter could help out or my son, but they are so busy, taking to time fill out a long form for them is difficult... with kids, jobs, home and so on, I can't believe they keep up with everything as it is....

I guess that is the one thing I hope "joining the Methodist Church" would help me with... now that it is just myself and Bub's... I have Mom, but really no one that is a "close friend"... and a couple of people "close to me" but not like we do things together etc... so I was hoping by getting involved back in Church, and hoping to find some other things to participate in, I would find some "friends"... and we all know with the autoimmune illnesses, the Lupus, RA and so forth... my life "daily schedule" varies from one moment to the next... depending on how I feel, or how Mom is doing...

I also realized that if it were not for my Mom, I have no one to "assist" me with anything, say this plumbing issue... or anything like that... I don't "know" enough people well enough in town, even though I have been here for all my life for the most part, I guess due to my "life when married" I kept myself more at home, almost locked away, busy with those things, I did not get out in the community to meet others... and here I am 55 years old... and unlike a couple of my friends, or like my neighbor, they have "friends" that are helping them building a two car HUGE GARAGE that is as big as my home! I "Lack" that type of support system... I am "new" to the church, been going now for about 3 months, but sick some of that time... I have not gotten out and about to meetings, or even to the Saturday Farmer's Market and so forth, so I must find the "funds" to pay for my plumber, or have work that is so in need on my home, or any and everything that comes up, there is not anyone I can have that could help out... and you know, that frightens me honestly... of course I have my Mom... and my daughter and son, but they are as I said hours away, and have their own jobs, lives, and so on... so I am upset with myself... that I have allowed myself to stay "almost too alone" to have any kind of support system... my neighbors have "helped" some, but I have been quite honestly upset with one in particular... he used to always be here asking if we needed anything... when Jim was here, he constantly was mowing the lawn, and I usually paid him, even when he said he did not want it... but I knew they needed the money at that time... and my other neighbors have a very ill Mom they take care of and another one is up in age, and she needs help herself... so it gets to this spot in life, that you begin to think, what would I do if I needed this, that or the other... I can guarantee my Social Security Check pays the bills barely, and that is all... in fact I am very upset with my car insurance, it seems every time they bill me, that bill is higher, even though my car is older... and now I must spend Lord knows how much time trying to find a "new" and hopefully better Medicare Advantage Plan... the one I chose for this year has sucked more than I can say, and they are someone I would NEVER ever recommend to anyone! I am extremely disappointed in AARP for even "sponsoring them" - they have done some really horrible things this year to their patients, and I am just mad as hell honestly, because now I must spend days trying to find another plan that will cover ALL of my doctors, my medications and that is a hard thing to do now days... our doctors are all shy of even Medicare and a supplement these days... they DO NOT get paid for months and sometimes a year or more, thus they are leery.... Well, I need to get busy on other stuff as you can see, but I wanted to take time to first tell those who do help THANK YOU! Whether a kind word, or support of my advocacy etc.... I appreciate all of you.... and to let you know there are many things right now in my own life that are frightening.... I am going through a great deal of emotional distress... and "losing" a relationship after 13 years and then losing Tazzy after 3 years, have really put me in a place of even more distress.... there are other things playing into this but, I shall stay quiet for now about those.... but to all, remember the great memories and hold them close... remember time is fleeting, and before you know it, you are in your mid 50's and wonder what the heck you really have done in this life.... and to hold on to whom and what is dear to you.... Rhia

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 New Clinical Trial by Cure Click for Mild to Moderate Alzheimer's

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More News You can use - an article about what a patient with Lupus wished other people without it Understood and more...

I began this "daily paper" and it is based on the information that I would like to share with others. Health, Technology, sometimes specific information about cancer,Lupus, RA and other illnesses... but usually a couple of times a day I refresh it so the latest news comes up when someone reads it! I've not said much about it yet, since I was trying to get a feel for if it would be something worth my time... and now after several weeks, I do feel it brings forth some very interesting information that is specific and pertinent to what I want to share with my family friends, and readers, and of course now my blog people! So, there has been an add for it on the right side of my blog for awhile, and I decided to post a blog post about it now, so others can see what it is like, and see if some of the information is helpful to you! The link to the latest addition is above! Please tweet, or share it if you feel you would like to pass it on, and if you want please comment so I know how you all feel about the articles.... more to come soon Rhia

IF my typing is "off" I broke a pinkie nail off below the quick yesterday evening closing my back fence! So, I am trying to catch any thing I misspell :)   )

https://paper.li/ravishingrhia/1438808814#!headlines

What "Out of the Mouths of Babes" Taught Me this Morning about Lupus and Advocacy!!!!

I have to post this in regard to ALL of us EFFECTED by LUPUS!!! My daughter called a little while ago, as most know she lives about 8 hours away around the Corpus Christ area, and she was talking about Selena Gomez having Lupus. I told her I had just began to read that, and she said that the woman she works with, has a son who is 24 years old, and he was diagnosed with Lupus... recently he almost died due to it almost shutting down his kidneys.. and then "out of the mouths of babes comes" This is not a "rare" disease, it effects so many and there needs to be much more awareness about it!!!! As I almost fainted because of course here I am her Mother who has it among other A illnesses, and of course I am a huge Advocate for Lupus and RA...Sjogren's and so forth. So, the "point" here it dawned on me, that first of all of course she knows that I have Lupus, but her thoughts have been it is a "rare" disease, and she knows that I help to spread awareness and then it dawned on me - 



UNTIL WE make LUPUS a COMMON HOUSEHOLD TERM like CANCER - never will all of our advocacy be enough.. even those out there educated about it, with a family member with it, like a Mother, and all she knows about me, it still to her seems to be a "rare" issue - then when she said, but Mom is is NOT - the news always makes it sound like some "rare" disease but it is far from being rare... it touches MANY people's lives daily and then she said and they give "chemotherapy" medications for it - that Selena Gomez is on a much smaller dose, but it is a "cancer" drug that is used"- now my kids know that I am on medication and neither of them live close enough to "see me" when I am ill, or see what the doctors say, and so on 0 but of all of the advocacy work I do- I "missed the boat" in telling my own daughter that I am TOO on chemotherapy type medication just also in a much smaller dose.... I felt as if in my own way, to those closest to me, I have FAILED miserably in my "activism" and voice for these diseases..... again that is when it dawned on me until we QUIT having people think of these diseases as "rare" and they become as "well-known" as cancer, heart disease, diabetes etc.... then we shall never HAVE ENOUGH AWARENESS out there.... I told her that kids as young as 9 MONTHS old can be diagnosed with JRA.... and I did not have time to explain more about how that is found, but it surely hit me square in the face, that our activism, advocacy, and awareness need to be MUCH, MUCH more...Lupus as I said, needs to be a "household" word......


So, I now am even MORE AWARE that we need MORE AWARENESS! All too often these types of illnesses are considered "rare" yet as we know now, daily, we hear of many, many more cases, and people that have it Lupus, RA, Sjogren's and such for YEARS and they do not get diagnosed until after they are much more ill that they should have to be!


This to me is just NOT ACCEPTABLE and it should NOT BE acceptable to any of us.... whether you have Lupus and so forth, or a family member with it or a friend, and so on, awareness is they key to finding a cure, a reason for, how to STOP LUPUS before it attacks someone so young, that their kidneys fail..... Her comments to me certainly gave me chills down my back, to think I was diagnosed about 2009 or so with Lupus, RA, etc... and even though I have made it very well aware to both my kids and my Mom and other relatives, friends and such... and even put my heart and soul into all of the Advocacy I can, it is NOT ENOUGH1 STANDING on those White House Steps in 2014, and telling CONGRESS having these disease is NOT ACCEPTABLE and yet each day we grow it seems almost further from education people about this not being some very rare something, but it is a part of MANY and THEIR EVERYDAY LIFE!!!!!


I have to keep DIGGING away and trying to do all I can to spread information about Autoimmune illnesses and just how deadly they can be.....

WE must ALL do so!

 

Awesome News From the AF and on Capitol Hil in Californial - about "steo-Therapy" - A "step" in the right direction for California!

http://blog.arthritis.org/advocacy/ab-374-step-therapy-arthritis/

Chipping away at the issues that keep us from our medications due to "step therapy", Pricing and much more!!! This is certainly a Victory!

Tips on How to Share your "diagnosis with family, friends, the public and so forth - These tips may help in any type of chronic illness or pain issue, not just autoimmune

www.rheumatology.org/I-Am-A/Patient-Caregiver/Diseases-Conditions/Living-Well-with-Rheumatic-Disease/Sharing-Your-Diagnosis-with-Others

The above link comes from the Rheumatology site and it gives you assistance on whom, how to, what to, say or maybe not say about any illnesses such as RA, Lupus and other autoimmune issues, but many of these same tips, when you have an "invisible illness" especially could help you also.


I know for many, they feel an isolation, a coldness from others, when they explain being "chronically" ill. Some want to try and put it off to you just being "lazy", or to use as an excuse to do or not do something. Others thing you are just faking it, or that it is a way to gain attention... all of which is total bull, but I can attest that even DOCTORS can give you that feeling. In fact just last week, after being ill for months with other issues, and feeling as if I had a Lupus Flare coming on, that ONE DAY after an entire year of not getting to see him, but deal with his PA, and guess what? That is the one damned day, I feel "better"... and I had emailed me on several occasions about how lousy I felt and what all was going on, and yet then he walks in expecting me to look horrible and I look fairly well..... I knew he wondered if a part of me, was just complaining to complain. So, then I spent two entire days, plus even the weekend feeling lousy, a headache, a stiff neck, the mylar rash my throat feeling swollen and raw..and today Mom and I went into see our PCP.. well I did not look all that well this morning, BUT I also once again did not look as "sickly" as I had felt and been over those past 4 days... I did tell him that my Rheumy gave me the flu shot.... and i told him usually I kind of feel lousy or maybe achy a bit, but never have I ran a fever, high enough that again I was almost hallucinating... every joint hurt, my head and neck hurt so badly... and so I thought he would give me a corticosteroid injection to slow down or help this Lupus flare go away... well he said the "new" flu shot this year contains FOUR rather than 3 strains of flu and thus my body may have reacted quite differently due to being autoimmune & if he gave me the injection and the prednisone, then my flu vaccine would basically be "useless" because my body would fight it off if I took that now...

So, I have to wait at least another week, and if I still feel as if I may have a flare THEN I can go in for the injection and medication.... so now I have to I guess just tough it out, which all too often is easier said than done.....

Life drama, illness, chronic illnesses and the Journey to where it leads us. -

Yes! I've done training with IFAA when it was still in it's"baby steps' 　 and it is incredible to see how much has happened over a short period of time. and yes, Tiffany Westrich-Robertson Ifaa and some of the rest of you knew about me going to Washington DC in 2014 with the Arthritis Foundation! That is one of the most single events I've been in, that made me feel, see, and total know I DID and do make a difference... I actually made Platinum Ambassador, I guess for 2014/15, and still do lots of things for the AF, but also for WEGO Health, and IFAA of course, plus like the blogging for RA week, then the week long bloggers for Invisible Illnesses too.... my blog is FULL of those true "people" that are out here each to day truly MAKE A DIFFERENCE!, plus they help us "learn" that we do help with letters, emails, visits, and keeping in touch with our State and Federal Congress People... it is not go unnoticed as I figured out.... my heart and soul were truly set on doing MORE this year, with my advocacy, activism, Ambassador and so on "roles"... but I also feel I have to keep my blog very current, and if I post daily, or sometimes even more that helps to get the message out to others also... due to circumstances far beyond "my control" with the horrid accident for my other half in 2014, that turned out to be a huge game changer for everyone... then I became ill on several occasions... and was off my RA med - the Orencia, due to the fear of those injections may contributed to the cellulitis and also then the abscess. And I still am dealing with a lump in my other thigh,and the one that had the incision in it to drain is still not well and still drains some... but it is better than before - some of you probably know that I am in the process of getting divorced and in fact I have already "filed the petition" and some other paperwork, and am supposed to hear today about the court date... and of course the "mediation" that the "judge" ordered about the accident did not go well as of yet, that may still change if the trucking company owner decides to NOT go through COURT with a jury and so on.. he is back in the Seattle area,,, then of course I lost my Tazzy - my Pug who was about 13 years old, very suddenly, and she was my life.. her and her "Bub's" as I call my Chiweenie,,, so things have been NOT what I planned for sure, and my prayers are that come January 2016 ALL of that changes and may it be filled with MANY awesome things for ALL of us.... ;)

i am "suffering" from a "thing" I guess you might call it and Ive really never quite dealt with these feelings before. So, I am not even sure exactly how to explain it to all of you, but by chance if I do tell what I am feeling, some of you may have been through the very same or similar situation. I of course have been really what you could call "strung" out emotionally from all that has taken place in my life this past at least 6 months now. Plus I decided it was time for me to get back into a church that I thought I would like, and feel "comfortable" at. In between everything, of course most of you know that Jim and I are legally separated and I have filed the petition for divorce. In fact, I turned in some documents on Tuesday that gave me a court date, which is right after January 1stt... so I guess you could say, once again, I "start over" in life... things have changed and will continue to change, and I am also aware between my birthdays seemingly coming closer together, and that my chronic illnesses, although not horribly bad (especially as soon as I am to see my Rheumy that I had waited 6 MONTHS to get into, never fails.. I have felt like I've been ran over twice for months now, and the ONE day I feel "better" happens to be the day I see him, and it made me furious at my body! Then I look like an idiot, since I had told him for months now about all of the crap going on with the AI illnesses, infections, cellulitis, then an abscess... and I know he probably thought I was a "lunatic"... but sure as HELL, the very next day.... I saw him last Wednesday... on Thursday I felt worse than ever... they gave me a fly vaccine while I was there, but I had even told the nurse I have really never felt "lousy" after the vaccine... maybe a bit achy, but other than that I am usually fine... oh heck no I woke up Thursday and felt like someone took a sledge hammer to my head, neck, body, and everywhere... I had the chills, ran fever, and hurt like I was never going to get over the severity of the pain, my my back, my legs, my arms, and I was so fatigued I spent Thursday and Friday for the most part of the sofa. I was just feeling horrible, as either I had a very bad "flare with the Lupus" OR I had the flu!!!!

In fact all weekend, I've not felt well, and I can't think, I just do one thing, and lay it down, then later go back and see I never finished it... or I've tried to repair a lamp that Mom had now for TWO days, and I bought the entire kit, and it should work no problem, but for some reason, I cannot think enough to even do that.... now I fixed my lawn mower even changed the oil, and guess what fell over dammit and spilled oil all of over back patio tiles... I've tried everything and can't get it out, cat little Epsom salts, even Dawn dish soap, so today I put some bleach on a couple of the small spots to see if it did any good or just made it worse...Okay, enough of all of that, (the "writer in me") and my long drawn out posts.... I have dealt with of course everything else in the world - paperwork, trying to keep up things as far as my own stuff, and also Mom's stuff. It seems one of us always has paperwork, or doctors visits, or labs, or so on and so forth these past several months. In fact I am still extremely concerned about this "lump" on my right thigh. It never got larger but it did not go away either, and just like the one that finally abscessed it has this "grayish" tint over it - yt skin in itself, looks kind of like it is a grayish color.. and it could be anything, just as the surgeon said, it could be a harmless "lipoma" and he can take that out anytime I want. He just did not want to do two incisions on me at one time... due to all of those others issues with health I have, and I intend on discussing it with my PCP - Mom and I both have follow up appts with him in the morning.... along with several other things, for myself and for Mom... she told me yesterday and I don't know how long it has been going on, but she is short of breath again, even walking out to the mailbox and back.... so THAT in itself scares the HELL out of me... when that first happened it is because of a "leaky" valve and if the medication regime that the cardiologist has her own, quits working, that means open heart surgery - so then I got to understanding why, she is not really jumping up and down to go to the Casino... we have free rooms - like both of us for two days and then 2 buffets a piece.... so other than the small amount and I mean small that we gamble on... my car gets like 52 miles to the gallon, so you can go on not much gas at all there and back......

Anyway, back to the issue I am having... Last weekend for some "odd" reason, and I still have not figured out why, Sunday morning (I mean two weeks ago not this past Sunday).... I had the very ominous feeling, that came over me, even while I was getting dressed, and it was like I "felt" I was told "do NOT go" I thought it was silly, but the more I got dressed, the more this just strange feeling, overcame me, and I even cried about it, I was so alarmed as to "what or why" I felt that way??? It just shook me to the bone, as to what would have happened to give me such an awful feeling, especially going to church of all places... and I even tried to blow if off and go anyway, but I could not shake the feeling and I finally just changed my clothes and stayed home...I've had 'strange" feelings come over me through my life, that may alarm me into thinking may I should or should NOT do something, go somewhere, and so on, but nothing like this. I have enjoyed the new church and even became a new member 3 weeks ago on a Sunday.. So, for me to have such a weird thought such as that made me wonder if all of the stress is really causing me to "feel a certain" way, and yet there should be no reason.... Of course losing my Pug, Tazz, I am still very much not over losing her.... my grief is far from over, and what concerns me even more, is that Bub's is just not himself either. Usually he wants to eat breakfast with me, and will sit at my feet for me to give him a piece of mini-wheat or anything I eat he is usually up and wanting a bite... The distress, stress, or whatever you want to call it about this entire lawsuit ordeal has not helped what so ever, and now, there is really even more stress because if "they

don't try to offer to settle, that means court in Dallas for a week or MoRE - with a jury and the entire mess... of which I am certainly not in shape for mentally, physically, emotionally, or even money wise... that would mean be having to either travel back and forth every day for at least a week, and/or me stay up there close in a hotel... which I have to have someone to watch over Bub's... I am already concerned and worried enough about him, I really hesistate to leave him for any length of time since Tazzers passed away... he just shows signs of "grief to me, and frankly I am quite worried about him - he just has that look in his eyes, when I leave even for a short time, and when I come back he greets me even more than before, jumping, kissing, wanting to "talk" to me.... like he feared I would also go away and ever come back....

There is a GREAT GREAT DEAL of WORK and repair my house needs, from outside painting and some windows either need to be recaulked or a couple that really need to be replaced, which I can put the pins in and use the glaze on them, but still I have to have someone to help hold the glass up until I can get a few pins around it... I need about 5 or 6 of the boards from the bottom of my house going up, completely removed and I need some stuff that almost looks aluminum, but it stops any type of rotting due to being wood on the ground, and would not have to worry about cats or anything else digging to get under it... just about the time I think I have all of their holes covered, they find a new way in, and we have 2 cats that got either poisoned or sick, so they run under a home like ours and hide, but then they die under there,. and talk about something that "reeks" - anything like that gets under a house and either is sick or can't get out.... the smell is more horrid than I can imagine or explain... and we had it happen twice when we first moved in... so most of the places are repaired in one way to the other, but it looks horrible, and then I need to put new fence up where my neighbor took down a couple of old buildings and now there is nothing there so it leaves my backyard more open and I hate that... I have several trees, that are either in need of getting rid of because they are dead, or pruning enough so they will not grow into the fence like happens around here.... so I've been trying o hard to GET what I can get done - around the house... But, I am so SLOW now, or I tire out, or I have to run to do something else... I feel as if I am on a merry-go-round with NO PLACE to finally get off and stop the ride... I am not feeling "alone", but I do feel lonely with Tazz gone... I love Bubs to death, and he is my "rock" right now, but I know he misses having a playmate and I think that is also what is wrong with him.... he was used to them keeping one another company, even if they were just on the sofa, they were still there together..

So, I have been trying to decide if I want to get another puppy now, or if it is too soon, or if Bub's would be jealous or happy.... just lots to take into consideration... it has to be a very "small dog" for me now... because even Tazzy, and Bub's I can and could barely pick them up.... so I was thinking something on the line of a "Shi Tzu", or a "Shorkie", which I saw, guess a cross between a Shi-Tzu and a Yorkie... I really prefer I get it from the puppy stage and me train it myself... I've learned lots of lessons after these two, so I know what I will and will NOT do again...

But, they are also expensive and I do not care about "papers" or being "registered" - as long as it is the "type" of dog I am told it is from day one,.. and I really prefer not to get a puppy from what they call a "puppy mill"... I am not thrilled at all with those types of places, but I do want it to be already through with its first round of shots, worming vaccinations and have a clean bill of health when I get it.... SO and this includes my favorite "Vet" Venetia Shafer - send me some information on what breed I may like, something that will remain small, is from proper breeding but not a puppy mill, and any "ins and outs" of possibly one breed over the other... and why.... plus give me a very HONEST answer about whether you think I am doing this much too quickly, and just trying to get my broken heart to heal... I kind of feel as if I am "betraying" Tazz - by bringing a new pup in so quickly, and I also want your opinion about whether you think Bub's will be "jealous" or would he like a puppy because he loves to play... and Tazz was already getting up in age and did not play as much after he got about a years or 2 old...... In fact send me a Private Message or you can email me also and let me know your thoughts... PLUS what do YOU think is going on with me about this "odd" thing I have about going to church - because it happened again yesterday... of course I had not felt well for two days, but I even took a shower early enough Sunday morning and had plenty of time to finish dressing and go.... but once again it was as if "someone" or "something" was either "telling" me, or more just giving me this horrid feeling that "don't go"... I even tried to laugh it off at Mom's later yesterday, and told her maybe the "devil" is speaking to me, now since I joined the church...... I was "joking" around as I said it, but then wondered "why" this feeling is so apparent and very strong... also I am facing getting new Medicare Advantage Plan insurance for either just myself or again for her - and this time I HAVE TO BE SURE (as I thought I was last year0 that ALL OF OUR DOCTORS WE SEE, AND ALL OF OUR URGENT CARE, THE HOSPITAL AND SO ON ARE DEFINITELY COVERED... I went through that online, the on the phone, and then to the insurance website but you can believe they CAN and DO CHANGE their minds once that know it is too late and the new year has began. I cannot lose a couple of my specialists at all, period! And believe me they lie, they cheat they say one thing on the phone - and I've watched good people have to lose their entire life savings to the insurance companies, saying one thing and then doing something else...

So, I am not sure if it is ALL that is on my "plate" and "to-do" lists, plus I feel as if I have NO TIME to write, to really work on my blog, which I am working to change the entire site a far as how it looks and feels... I began working on a few things today..

I know this lawsuit, as I've said now 30 times over the past few weeks, I wished I would have never been involved at all. - it has NOT been worth the mental, emotional, and physical agony, that I have gone through.....

So, I've got several "lists" going., some to do back to doing what i had been doing, my blogging, my activist, the Platinum Ambassador, and my writing, and blog - it requires "a time frame daily", it requires a time when NO interruptions are there, and then is they list of the "have too's" in order to maintain and keep this house from falling down around my feet....

Anyway, I am also distraught that my Rheumy wants me to quit the MTX! Well, that is more for the Lupus, and I've been on it almost from the the time I found out about the AI's - and my PCP has always taken care of the "Lupus" portion of my illnesses, and my Rheumy is more about the RA - thus the biologic, the Sulfasalazine, and a few others... so my Prednisone, the MTX, the Plaquenil, and then finally a med for the Sjogren's - which I looked up and discovered the Pilocarpine.... So, my Biologic, the Sulfasalazine... was taken are of, and my Rheumy knew that my PCP was taking care of my Lupus, it is just easier for me to go to him, for a Lupus Flare, in which I can have several in a few months, or may go for a long time and I never have to go back on the

the huge 14 day dose of the Predisone, in which I hate, but the way I have felt for the past 3 day or so, I almost think I am having a very bad Lupus Flare now, probably due to the stress of it all, and then feeling so stupid when I went in to see the Rheumy & I "seem" okay that one day....

So, my question after all of that to all of you is "DO YOU THINK I MAY BE going through some type of "mental issue" causing this "overwhelming" feeling about where NOT to or TO GO??? I am NOT sleeping well at all.. I have several over this past SEVERAL THE NIGHT TERRORS HAVE BEEN REALLY BAD! IS A PORTION of this mess, to do with how terribly our cities are being treated, and no regard from the "innocent lives" they either take or ruin for sure... I get to where I cannot stand to see the news... it seems every day something else has happened even in our own "back yard" so to speak...... Mom seems to think it is because I don't "rest" enough... which is bull, sure I am up and doing thing outside, inside, wherever I can feel going to do because that is a portion I think of what does keep me "sane"..... Anyway, I close now with a hello to everyone... I guess many are already in preparation for Autumn, the weather and time change, and then the colder and shorter days with daylight, which just drives me nuts, because doing some things outside are hampered by the weather....