As "Tis" the Season surrounds us so quickly...Trials, Illnesses, & New Heights

Lots of things going on in all of our worlds now. From the hustle and bustle of what the Fall and Winter Seasons bring, football games, kids back in school and college, thinking about the holidays, which all seem to roll into one another, rather than be separate as the used to be... It seems Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years are now portrayed together at at once in our retail markets. You look around all of the wide array of stores, and there are all of the above holiday "themed" supplies sitting beside one another, or across the isle's from each other. That seems to be the "theme" of our lives now... hurry, hurry, hurry... no time to waste... not a moment too soon... not an hour of rushing but a lifetime of flying through the years, and one morning you wake up... half of your life "over" with, and you wonder where all of those years went to. Your kids are grown, and they have children of their own. Your teenage years, your roaring "twenties", those prosperous 30's, and those "wiser 40's".... all past as you head to that "half century" mark. When you suddenly one day look in the mirror and realize you are 50 years old, Then you also begin two wonder what the hell you have done, why the hell you did what you did, and did not do what you thought you would... why time is so fleeting, and the days seem to rush by much quicker with each year you progress to that "senior" citizen moment. Days seem to be shorter, energy shorter, and often you find yourself in a wonderment, of what if, I had done, this, that or the other... how would my life be different??? Should I have gone to college, or married earlier, or NOT married, or had more children, or skied, or went on all of those splendid trips and adventures I wanted to. Was the money I made worth it??? Did I need 12 new cars and 3 new homes during these past years???
Then you start to dwell on what shall happen now. What will I do from now on? am I "too old" for this, will I survive another 20 or 30 years or more??? Should I now take those trips, or sell my home, move, or go back to college?? Should I learn a new skill, a new hobby, or find a new way to look at my life??? Shall I volunteer to help others? Or be a voice for a certain worthy cause?? thus, you then are wondering about the future, and yet also thinking about what the past was also. You often find that you meet yourself in the middle. You start settling into those "Golden Years", and find they might be even more "Golden" than you ever dreamed. We tend to think life is over by the time we are "50", or "60" or maybe you feel like you may JUST see 100... that century mark!! and beyond!
There are so many changes we go through during certain times during our lives. We begin to realize we are not as "spry" and "young" as we once were. Either our memories are not as good, or we feel more "feeble" and less "steady" on our feet. Maybe we deal with more pain physically, stiff joints, and arthritis setting in. WE sooner or later, and sometimes sooner see that all of that "rough and tough" stuff we put our bodies through in our twenties, come back to slap us hard when we are older.
Although we all go through these feelings, emotions, thoughts, and then the physical aches and pains, almost as if we were again having "growing pains" but a type of growing pain to "get mentally" prepared to accept that you may not be able to do as much, or at least do as much as quickly as you used to. But, for those like myself who have already felt in their early years they had already reached those "older times" of their lives, due to chronic pain and illness, we tend to go through much more of almost a "denial" of aging. We sometimes "fear" being older simply because we have already felt those "aches and pains". We are already suffering health issues, that more often are suffered by older people than we are. If you have dealt very long with chronic pain, then your life has been totally different for a long time. If you suddenly find yourself with Lupus , FM, RA, MS, or other chronic illnesses such as diabetes, Sjogren's, Raynaud's, osteoarthritis, Degenerative Joint and/or Disc disease, and the list goes on, then those fleeting years of back when you were "well" have been gone what seems like forever to eternity.
We tend as those with disabilities due to these illnesses tend to feel more guilt, more trauma, more anger, more anxious.. worrying about how the years coming will be. Will people understand? Or will be be shunned by the ones that are supposed to love us unconditionally??? We all too often live trying our best to hope that those that know us will understand. But, we also live trying to convince ourselves that we are ill, and that we cannot help it. We try rationalizing each and every thing we do, and all of the things we may not be able to do, due to the disease, in all types of different ways. I know for myself just telling someone, "I don't feel well today", probably sounds pretty lame for the just every day person. If they do not have an understanding about the chronic life altering, challenging illnesses and syndromes, there is often no way they can truly get the jest of just how badly we feel on some days. For instance, a person can have a bad couple of nights and not sleep well. Then maybe they also have a rough couple of days along with those nights. Thus, you are going to more than likely feel "lousy", run down and fatigued. Yet, when I feel the "fatigue" of of Lupus coming on, I mean a "bone tired" body dragging, almost unable to function fatigue that just completely knocks you on your ass possibly for days or weeks.Along with the fatigue, a "flare" usually arises. That flare maybe "minor" with a few symptoms. It may only last a few days and be gone, until the next one. OR it could be a major flare, that sends me reeling into low grade fever, the bone tired fatigue, severe joint pain, which could be a few or ALL joints, a rash where mine appears to almost look like "blood blisters" on my arms especially, brain fog, not able to concentrate, also the hallmark "Lupus" Wolf rash on my cheeks and across my nose that appears like I have a sunburn, what I have a "Lupus migraine" that no amount of pain medication can get rid of, only a corticosteroid injection to bring down the inflammation of the vessels in the head, plus many other physically symptoms. Accompanied by the physical symptoms are the mental and emotional symptoms of these illnesses. Guilt, Depression, Fear, as I mentioned the "foggy" brain issues where you can't remember things, or possibly can't even remember a word you were trying to use. Most all of which are "minor" in nature above compared to when it strikes your internal organs. Many suffer from severe heart problems, lung and breathing, issues, kidney "renal" involvement is a huge problem, Lupus and these other AI illnesses also can attack the brain, making it even more complicated as far as thought process, or physically harming brain cells. Other symptoms are thrush in the mouth, horrible mouth ulcers, severely dry and chapped skin, the inability to stand a dramatic weather change, from heat and cold, to high humidity, to the barometric pressure making huge and very quick changes. Eye issues such as very dry eyes, and eye infections can occur. Severe sore throats and swollen lymph nodes effect me with almost every flare. My throat will be so extremely painful, that I use a special mix of medication that my doctors orders for the ulcers, the mouth sores, the sore throat, that can easy some of the discomfort. I have developed other health problems, that now as I look back and my doctors look back, we are in agreement that some of my earlier health issues that are now coming to light, are directly caused from my AI illnesses. Lupus is often an illusive illness, that many doctors do not understand, and they absolutely need to be able to spot this life altering illness by symptoms, X-rays, blood work is a huge one for some, earlier symptoms through life, and the patients education of what is happening by their own research and being in tune with their bodies, can often help to make an accurate diagnosis much earlier in life, where some of the horrible symptoms and damage may have been stopped or slowed down before it effects especially vital organs, and can cause death, especially when the damage is done permanently to organs before an accurate diagnosis can be made. As I continue on my journey, through the ever winding river of my life, through this blog, I hope I entertain you, bring you vital information, give you a reason for your own advocacy, allow you to possibly research and get a doctor that can help you, understand about disability and how to achieve getting it, how living with these autoimmune illnesses can wreck your life, or absolutely change some things for the good. My wish is that I give to you all of the information you need, along with allow you to look into my own trials tribulations, victories, defeats, and all of the "spaces" in between living with chronic pain and illness. May you feel lifted up, sometimes brought down, and most of all relieved to know you are not the only one.

Demo-CRAZY?? GREED-PUBLICANS???!

I have been waning and waxing on posting anything to do with the political scene or about the upcoming Presidential Election simply because of those views being so very personal and emotional for people. At first, I thought they also really did not belong here, but yes what is going on as far as the election most certainly DOES effect people with chronic illnesses, pain, the disability folks that are involved in this, and others that are not getting the health care coverage or even the health care they need in this nation. We have so many foreign countries that take better care of their own people than we do. Again, greed is the word I use for those who would rather line their own pockets, than pull a little hope out of those pockets for the people that need it the most. For the most part, if you are just at the "poor" level up to the middle working class that seem to pay the most for everything, your health care probably is none, or is very expensive, or probably has high co-pays and deductibles, plus you are lucky if the doctors take it. Boy, talk about a night mare. It it just about like moving Mount Rushmore, turning the heat down on the sun, and parting the Pacific Ocean to get either your insurance company, doctors office, &/or pharmacy to do their jobs!!! Especially when it comes to any of the "Medicare Advantage Plans", which if you are disabled "earlier" in life, you find out very quickly about how little Medicare really pays, and if it is even ALLOWED FOR YOU TO GET A SUPPLEMENT, which as of now it is just about impossible to get a "Medicare supplemental insurance policy" if you are below the age of about 62, possibly higher now in Texas! So, like myself many in Texas, and other states as well are stuck in getting a Medicare "Advantage" Plan, that kind of "takes over the reigns" for processing your claims. They work basically hand in hand with Medicare, but these plans also offer some "perks" of their own, they are MUCH LESS expensive than most supplements out there, which can run around $220.00 or MORE a month, and then they don't really pay much, unless you have lots of medical bills. I know my Mom was paying a HUGE amount monthly on her Medicare Supplement. Because she does not really have any huge health issues, and only takes a very few medications and only sees the doctor about 3 times a year, it was just money thrown away for her to pay that price. They usually never paid a dime, because they had her to meet all of their deductibles, and by that time, they did not a anything, because she does not have enough medical bills to even meet deductibles most years. So, we also switched her to a Medicare Advantage Plan in 2011. So far, if she continues to be in fairly good health, and honestly if she was to get ill, she still would be better off with this plan than any of the supplements for the most part.
So, back to the subject, Medicare, Health Insurance, and Health Care are just three of the MANY issues of this years Presidential Election. I will say right now I am a "President Obama" fan. NOT because he is a Democrat. I really don't care whether an elected official is in the "Red" or "Blue" zone of politics. What I DO CARE ABOUT is how they can run our country, take care of our needs as citizens and humans, and also keep us safe as possible, and hopefully keep us more out of debt, and out of wars which I realize sometimes is just a terrible thing to have to deal with, when it comes to protecting our nation and helping our allies. So, I voted for Obama last year and I am still backing him this year. Don't get me wrong, there are some things I see he could do differently, and some have not been gotten to yet, but this man stepped into a pile of CRAP, the day he walked into that office. He has been trying to mop up mess from at least 10 years BEFORE HE GOT THERE!!! So, "throwing the baby out with the bath water" for me is just not an option!!! The man needs a chance since we are out of one war, and calming down (hopefully) from another, has taken down the bad news bears of Wall Street (which was a freaking ridiculous mess and I cannot believe everyone turned their heads on that one), kept us OUT OF A DEPRESSION, as far as I believe, has gotten RID OF THE MAIN TERRORIST, or one of the hugest ones for sure, and worked his butt off to try and clean up what was screwed up LONG BEFORE he took office!! It would have been simple to walk in with a balance budget on the table, no wars, no Wall Street "agenda" and people stealing our money for their own greedy ways, plus all of the other 1001 issues that were already headed down the tubes!!! I feel if it were not for President Obama, we would be "in a fine mess" as the saying goes. No, we would be in the worst HELLUVA mess, that I feel would have made the Greatest Depression since the last one in the 20's/30's, look like child's play. I truly believe he was our safety net from falling in a hole we would NEVER dig ourselves out of. There was a lot at stake back in the 20/30's era also. But, think about just how much more financial stake, as well as how many more people there are here to take care of, feed, cloth, run stores, shops, manufacturing, all of the things that would probably be bankrupt for good. That isn't including the financial collapse of our entire nation. So, a Depression now, would be even worse than back then in many ways. But, also in that time, most everyone was on a "even" playing field. We had some people that had more than others, but for the most part, everyone farmed, raised most of the own food, bartered in town locally for what they needed, and traded the things they grew and raised for items they could use at home. You put one of these teenagers now out in a cotton field with a hoe in the 100 degree heat, and I wonder how long that would last, without an I-pod, their cell phone, text messaging, and the luxury of their best shoes and name brand clothes. That is another entire subject for another post. But people took care OF ONE ANOTHER. Everyone knew their neighbors. They truly CARED ABOUT EACH OTHER. They had barn raisings and such. If someone was down on their luck the town pulled together to help them. What would happen today if you went to your doctor with a chicken, and some home grown vegetables from your garden in trade for a checkup? Oh Lord!!! Talk about someone being laughed out of the city!!! But, that was how things went. What about a doctor who actually got out in the middle of the night, with his horse and buggy and made a HOUSE CALL to deliver a baby??? Hell they can't even spend 2 minutes in the office with you when you do have an appointment, much less every remotely call you back on a phone, much less ever come to a house!! Why that would be blasphemy according to some!!! I realize things have changed but WHO CHANGED THEM??? US, THE PEOPLE changed everything. We are the ones that have to have the best home, the best car the biggest FlatScreen HD THREE D...and every "D" television... the best designer purses, clothes, shoes for every outfit, kids that think anything less than the latest name brand fashions for school would cause them to be outcasts!!! That is where our world has gone... and we put a man, that has the initiative, the drive the know how, and the want to.... to put our nation back on track... to resolve our tremendous, mind boggling debt, to put people back to work, to FIX our broken down infrastructure, to fix our Medicare and Social Security continued solvency issues, and to make our country once again the one that "Old Glory" Truly stands for...what about WE the people, FOR the people, and BY the people... NOT just the RICH AND WEALTHY but EVERYONE!!!! GREED is a word, a social situation today that stands out everywhere you turn. GREED is one of the main reasons we are in the financial ruins that we are in right now. Greed is those that have more than it all, more than they can ever need, want and use, but they continue to prey on those that don't have it so they can line their pockets with every dime they can get hold of...and for what??? AS the old saying goes' YOU CAN"T take it IT WITH YOU!"
Morality fits right along with greed. The entire nation has gone nuts when we are so "immune" to things that are so immoral that we sit around and allow "home grown" terrorists to KILL innocent people! There is no REASON ANYONE in this country other than Armed Forces or Police that Need AUTOMATIC AK-47'S AND THE LIKE!!! NOT one DEER or BIRD hunter would tell you those weapons are needed to hunt!!! And furthermore... that is in "satire" OVERKILL if you want to "protect" your home and family!!! Get a can of mace, pepper spray, keep a ball bat under your bed, or even a shot gun... there are other items and other ways to protect your home and family besides having a gun or usually guns in your home. Like the song about a "Louisville Slugger" to both "head lights"... well up beside of the head of someone harming you will work also... but we sit around on our hands in fear of saying WE WANT MORALITY ONCE AGAIN! We want our nation back, that is FOR ALL!!! NOT for SOME!!!! We must take a good look around at some of the issues that our children, grandchildren and the generation to come will have to deal with due to our own "nonchalant" form of thinking. So, I have said lots here, that has lots to do with the government, politics, about our Social Security, Medicare, and those people that are now using it, and to come in the future. I have touched upon our broken health care system... and I have said for myself I DO NOT believe that you must be "all" Democrat OR "ALL" Republican... but some feel that is the only way... I am fully backing our current incumbent - President Obama and I intend to do my very best to use the tools I have to help him make this country great once again. If I can give my own voice, to sign petitions, send emails and letters to our elected officials, any and every thing in my own power to do, I intend on doing. I feel that is my duty of being a citizen here. We cannot do it alone. BUT, if we STAND TOGETHER, IN UNITY, NOT DIVIDED, we can once again make AMERICA the very best nation to be proud of in this world,

Laugh Now!!!- Drama in the OR yesterday!!

  I had a "temporal artery biopsy" yesterday due to some double vision issues I have been having for about7 months. this is what happened yesterday am in the Operating Room right when I was waking up from surgery!!! This doctor I can attest has the personality of a wall, in fact worse. but, I found out he has a temper like heck also... thus this is the post about my experience coming out of the OR...



Well the most part is over. I had the biopsy yesterday am. All went well but dammit I have a fairly long incision right at my hairline on the right side at my temple.. The worst part is dammit he had to shave a tiny bit of hair off right there and of course you can see that. It happens to be on the side of my head that tends to be thinner as far as my hair goes than the left. Since my hair has grown out, I will be able to cover it up I think but I am still upset that they had to shave it at all. He never told me that, but I already knew due to my own research. I should have the pathology results in 5 days. I have to drive all the way back to his office in Dallas though again this afternoon just for him probably to check this... which it looks fine. I think me going up there is stupid and a waste of time and gas..but he is a real jackass! Speaking of I have to tell all of you what went down in the OR with me in there!!!! First of all, they never let my husband back before I went in. They got me ready, and the nurses missed telling him. So, the anesthesiologist, and the nurse came in, told me that I would be given "twilight" or Prophanol... or whatever and I would not know what was going on during the procedure. Thank goodness. So, they wheeled me in, and he was getting ready to give me the meds, which I felt burn like hell in my arm, and the next thing I know he is waking me up, calling my name... I was awfully groggy but still in the same OR room... well everyone was moving around in there I guess cleaning up for the next case, and my doctor was there also!! He began shouting "Get her out of here"!!!! I means he was hollering to the top his lungs at the OR nurse!!! I think she even tried to come back in and talk to him and he was shouting and cussing to get her the hell out and he never wanted to see her in his OR room again!!! And dammit I really never knew exactly what transpired between the two of them, to cause him to be that horribly upset all the while here I am the patient just waking up after surgery and hearing all of this.. The guy that was my anesthesiologist keep asking me if I was okay, and several of the other staff from the OR standing there, and I was fine just puzzled as to what happened to make him that pissed that he would go off on her like that in front of staff and a patient right there coming out of surgery!!!! It was something else. Everyone was nice and even asked me after they took me to the post-op room if I was okay.... I think he even screamed something about "CALL SECURITY"!!!!! Get them up here!!!!! OMG!!! It is kind of funny but also scary to know he has that kind of temper... I knew he was not very "social" and his bedside manner sucked but damned... I am glad I don't have to work for him.... that would be a nightmare..........anyway that was my excitement, other than I came home with a damned "diaper" looking thing on my head that LOL..in the middle of the night, I had some kind of dream, and remember jerking it off...LOL..so thus he is supposed to take it off today anyway..but I am scared if I don't have it on in the office when I go in he might scream at me also!!!!!:)

Rising to the Occasion for My Readers (that are to come)

I realize that not one person has been "invited" or actually became a reader of my blog as of yet. There are many reasons for that, most of which although it has been "up" online for a rather long while, I have not been about physically for the most part of this past couple of years to think about sitting long enough at my computer to be able to write a blog. I may have been able to write some, here, there and yonder, but I know that readers, just like myself, want to read the latest and greatest. As a reader, you want to know the entire "agenda", not just a few pieces here and there. Thus, my goal was to find out what exactly all was wrong with me, (or so I hoped), then do what I needed to do, to get out of pain, as much as possible, and get as well as much as humanly possible. Although, anyone suffering with chronic pain and/or illness(es), realize that trying to get all of the facts together, then correlate those with all of the specialists, tests, medications, and research on the patients part if they really want to know exactly what is happening with their own bodies, that can take an extremely long time. The good news is we have recently made so many leaps and bounds as far as diagnostic tests, blood work, scans, more information and research to help doctors as well as patients understand the workings of these life altering, often life draining, and definitely life challenging illnesses or syndromes. As you have probably gained from this already, my "medical" issues are many. That includes Lupus, RA, plus degenerative joint and disc disease, as well as a couple of other Autoimmune Illnesses, Sjogren's, Raynaud's, along with other health issues including two heart attacks. The first was at the age of 40, yes you read that right, I did type 40 years old. The 2nd one, that probably could have been avoided if things would have been done differently, was actually 10 years later, at the age of 50. I was already in the hospital, and had been seriously ill with another health issue, and had the second heart attack mainly due to the severe amount of stress put on me with the other very serious ill condition I had been in for about 6 weeks prior.
If what knowledge I have now, I would have had back when I was 35, I may have avoided some of the issues with illness I have been dealt. There are times, and I must say fairly often times, that I get very angry about all of the years I spent at doctor's, countless scans, X-rays, blood work, even hospital visits throughout my life, from the time I was about 21 until I was 47, not one physician had ever indicated that all of the joint issues, the chronic pain issues, the severe migraines that plagued my life enough to cause me to be fired from a job I had been on for over 6 years, and I was terminated lying in my bed at home, ill, with a note from the Emergency Room doctor that I could NOT work for 3 days or so. There were many things in my life that either happened, and others that did not happen, or I did not get to participate in due to illness. But, what exactly was happening to me, no one could say for sure.
Being a woman that was having these types of health issues during the 1990's caused me even more grief when it came to the majority of doctors during those years. Even now, women continue to get things said to them like "Oh, you are just stressed", or "I think it is depression", or maybe you should change jobs, get a new husband, move out of town, do anything differently, BECAUSE YOU are the problem. It is just "all in your head". Oddly, men very rarely hear those words, "Oh, it is all in your head!" For the most part, men can walk into a brand new doctors office, with just about any type of symptom known to man, and I would bet on the average, those men are taken very seriously 98% of the time. You just do not hear a "man" or "woman" doctor for that matter, telling a male patient, they are stressed, depressed, and making up how they feel!!! Now, I am not putting down the notion that STRESS is a huge part of our health problems especially in the United States. With the "large picture" to "do more, be more, give more, work more, make more, have more.... more, more, more... both men and women, as well as many of our kids are very stressed out! The rapidly fast paced society we live in is enough to make even the most passive person be ready to pull their hair out by the end of some of our busy days, that seem to be 58 hours long, and still not enough time to do it all. So, both depression and anxiety are two health issues that do need to be taken very seriously. BUT, those two illnesses cannot be used as "scapegoats" for laziness on our health care professionals part to do the tests that are needed, no MORE but NO LESS! A 5 minute conversation, that is usually one sided on the doctors part, does not usually mean a very accurate diagnosis for a chronic long term life altering disease. These are not easy to diagnose, and they all have symptoms that can be similar to other illnesses. But, with the right doctor, that truly hears and listens to his patients, that does take time to make the right decisions as far as blood work, any scans or X-rays that may need to be done, or even a biopsy or certain type of surgery maybe needed in ordered to find out the entire issue. It also may take several physicians that specialize in different fields to discover, determine, decide, and come to conclusions together as to what is going on with a patient, especially when it comes to these chronic illnesses, that are often rare, and for the most part, not a great deal known about them... It also takes a patient that is willing to get right into the middle of the whole thing, look up all of the information they can, online, in books, at the library, through magazine articles, and then also willing to ask all of the questions that need to in order to get their own answers to suit them. For me, more often than not, no matter what is going on with me, let's just say as of lately, I began about 7 months ago having sudden "double vision". At first I did not give it much thought. I do not sleep very well with all of my health problems, so I thought it could be from lack of sleep. I went along about a month, and it was not resolving itself, so I did some of my own research as to the possibilities, finding out it could be a number of things. So, I went to my regular opthamologist, who does a vision check on me annually due to the Plaquenil I take for the Lupus. The medication can cause retinal detachment, and even though rarely, I still must have an annual check to make sure all is well on that side. I realized several years back my vision was beginning to get much worse, as far as reading and close up vision, but with my age getting around 50, that is not all that unusual. I had a thorough exam, and was put in a different type of glasses with "prisms" in them. All of their tests did not reveal anything wrong, but the prisms are used to help with those that have double vision issues. It took me literally weeks to get used to those glasses! I would get sick to my stomach if I went it to a large store, with lots of open space, before I got used to them. They just caused everything to be thrown off, from how it looked when I looked at the ground, bent over, read, or even watched television. It was totally crazy, but I did get the glasses, and they did help me to see better. At that time, my regular eye specialist wanted to refer me to yet another specialist, and in fact one I had never heard of up until now. They wanted me to see a "Neuro-Opthamalogist". I knew when I heard that title, first of all it was a highly specialized field. Secondly I just knew the possibility of finding one close that also took my insurance was going to be like pulling teeth! So, at that time, I was already facing some type of surgery (we just did not know exactly what kind yet) so I put the "double vision" in the back of my mind, wore the new glasses, then went on to have a 4 level cervical spinal disc replacement and fusion, which was done this past June. I had been living in a living hell with severe shoulder blade pain, pain radiating from the top of my arm, down and around to my thumb. I was not able to have much use of my right hand, and of course that is my dominant one, and it made life miserable. I had already undergone a had already had a complete "reverse shoulder replacement" in June of 2011, that was supposed to correct all of the weakness, pain, and give me back the use of my right arm. Yet, I was not able to even lift my right arm enough to put deodorant on under it, or shave under it. There was no way I could reach behind my back.The worst was when I had to stop the rehab therapy I had been doing because the pain was just too bad.  Then it was another several months of trying to figure out what was causing the right shoulder blade pain, the a pain running down my arm to my thumb, the weakness, and basically giving me an arm that was totally useless to anyone. Once again, I was dealing with a doctor, (and folks this is 2012) that absolutely despises any of his patients trying to "self educate" themselves on what is happening with their own bodies. He just hated the fact I went online, knew a great deal about that special type of shoulder replacement, he hated the fact that I knew about anything.Then when the shoulder implant did NOT in fact "fix" of all my shoulder pain. After 6 months of doing very well after that surgery, suddenly I began to have pain again down into my shoulder blade. It was a severe "burning sensation" that later ran down my right outer arm down and around to my inner wrist and into my thumb. Before that the majority of the shoulder pain and weakness had improved dramatically, and it had been coming along very well with me rehabing it at home on my own. One day 6 months after the surgery, I had went to put gas in my Mom's car (yes she cannot put gas in her own car - never learned how to) I went to twist the cap on to make sure it was locked, and I felt something like a "snap" in my right arm, in between my elbow and shoulder. It almost gave the impressions of a rubber band when you stretch it and let go. I even almost "heard" the noise. At first, of course I was very upset that I had done something to that surgical implant, like pull it away from the bone etc. But, at that time the pain I felt was more like a tight squeezing feeling just in my arm where that "pop" had taken place. I was definitely concerned about it, but I knew I was going back soon for another check up on it, so I thought I would talk to my doctor about it then. Well, within 2 days, my shoulder began to hurt. All of that burning in the blade itself was there, but my entire arm felt sore, it hurt almost like "bone pain" in the shoulder, and that sensation of burning ran down to my thumb. We went through X-rays that showed that everything was in place as it should be, as far as the shoulder implant and hardware in there appeared to be normal. Due to my "pain pump" (which I will talk about in another post) I am not allowed to have any MRI's... ever... thus I went and had a CT scan along with a myelogram of my neck. I have had neck issues for the majority of my life, due to a 4 wheeler accident that I had when I was about 26. But, in the past 4 years or so I have had a great deal of degeneration of several of my discs. The scan did show some of the damage, but the doctor was still not really satisfied with just those scans and X-rays. So, I went through a nerve conduction study (NCS) and an electromyogram (EMG) which revealed that there was significant nerve damage. Yet, even with that evidence and what the CT had shown, it still was not exactly apparent if my CERVICAL SPINE was the cause of my latest shoulder issues. I knew I had neck problems. I had 2 other MIR's from 2006 and 2007 that showed the degeneration of several discs at C 3,4,5... then in 2007 it was those along with C-6 that also was in with the entire bunch. Even though there had been no bone spurs and so forth showing, the evidence of the specifics of symptoms and pain I had was sufficient enough for my Orthopedic Surgeon to feel like the problem was definitely nerve impingement coming from the herniations from C3 through C7 actually, with evidence of two discs entirely needing to be "replaced" (more "foreign" parts to add to in my body), and probably fusion of all 4 of them together. So, after feeling just a year before like I was "through" with surgeries for hopefully a long while, I was not only facing yet another major surgery, but one I had NOT wanted to ever even have to think about, and that was any type of spinal surgery. We have so many horror stories, and all of us have heard them about "failed back surgery", (they even have a diagnosis of "failed back surgery", just like a diagnosis of arthritis, or a torn knee cartilage), that I had always said I would NEVER no matter WHAT EVER have any type of surgery on my neck or lower back. Even though I do know several people that have had lumbar or cervical surgery and came out just fine, we usually have many more just the opposite. From just talking to someone in the local market to what we hear on television, and all of the massive amounts of information on the internet, we are inudated with more negative than positive results. So, this one was extremely difficult for me. I argued with myself over the subject for a couple of weeks. Yet, when I weighed all of the facts together, which #1 was I could no longer live with the pain, #2 the spine issues were only going to get worse, never better. Without going through with the procedure now, would mean I still would face it shortly. So, the option of putting it off, was kind of took off the table. Thank goodness I did listen to my doctor, to Jim, and moreover to myself. Now I am happy that I made the decision to go ahead and have the cervical disc replacement and fusion done, or honestly I would not be here typing this out. I got to the point I was not able to stand the pain in my shoulder blade as I tried to type. I would not be here 5 minutes even just checking email, and that intense burning began. then it may last hours or even a day or more, when it got started. Everything seemed to aggravate it, whether I just had the arm by my side walking or I was trying to use it to clean or stir something in the kitchen. so, even though it was a great deal to go through, not being able to drive for 6 weeks, well actually 8 for me due to having the "soft" bone where the screws were that hold the "hardware" in my cervical spine. I also have osteoporosis, which is extremely bad, due to y "genetic" background for the first part, and for the second due to having to be on Prednisone, even a small dose, has also caused the issues of this illness to be even worse. I was totally shocked when I had a bone density test about 3 years ago. Never did it dawn on me I would have any issues with that kind of problem. But the test came back actually "severe" as it can. So, I went on medication for it right away that I take weekly in a pill form. "Fosamax" is the brand name for the medication. they have just came up with a generic brand, which saves my insurance and myself some money for sure. But, it does not even really "repair" the brittle bones, but it does make some of it harder so that a fall, or something like that may save me from a horrible break in my pelvis, hip, wrist etc, But, of course NOT falling at all is the best. Yet, with all of the issues from RA to Lupus, to just have all of the implants can cause you to be more apt to taking a fall without being extremely careful. Anyway, I endured the 8 weeks of that hard collar, not being able to drive or bend over, and other things that I was so used to doing I could not do. One thing that was a positive light from the surgery well before I began to see results from it, was the fact I REALLY needed to WALK and QUIT SMOKING. I had already basically quit smoking anyway. I am what they call a "weekend smoker". I am able to take a puff or two a day, and nit have to smoke anymore than that. the walking, well, I already have been an avid exerciser, and ride my inside exercise bike for 45 minutes to an hour daily, without miss for the most part. But, walking was something highly suggested on all of the sites that talked about healing from the cervical surgery. Since I could not drive to my regular walking park,  one morning I started walking up and down our long driveway. I am fortunate enough that we do have a fairly long driveway, that with about 35 to 45 minutes gives me quite a workout. I started doing that just after the surgery and have never stopped. I religiously walk, no matter weather, unless it is extremely cold or rainy, I walk, which is in addition to continuing the daily bike ride also. So, I get my exercise in daily, which I am quite proud of. I look forward to the sounds of "Matchbox 20" in my ear, and that "trip to anywhere" I want to go for a little while. I maybe silent and absorbed into thoughts or I could be singing, or more than that talking to myself about one think or the other going on at that time. I realize often that even though I feel so weak, and fearful, I am forever more strong especially mentally and emotionally with every medical thing that comes into my life that I have to endure...I close this one and a new subject comes soon... I will begin to publish "daily" pieces even though I may not finish them at that moment also... but complete them in a day and then begin another. I want to keep this interesting for YOU the reader, as well as try to enlighten you on the aspects of life with a Chronic Illness.

Beginning Once Again...

As I begin this journey, or rather I say continue this journey, I am embarking upon a new "raging river" per se'. I have posted, blogged, written on Face Book, had my own MSN and Yahoo sites and groups, running the entire gamut of the latest and greatest in the realms of communicating with other "like-minded individuals". Yet, it is NOT the "latest and greatest" that brings me to do this new challenge. It is a desire to reach out to you, the audience, with my own very personal powers of what has ailed me off and on for many years. Years before I even knew what "chronic illness and pain" were...definitely well before the majority of us knew one thing about Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Degenerative Joint and Disc Disease, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and even MS (Multiple Sclerosis) was an illness we really new very little about. I can recall the very first time I ever heard of anyone that I knew having Lupus. She was back then a girl I had went to high school with, and she was a couple of grades ahead of me. She married a local "home town" boy, and they were making life, with home and family. When I was in my mid twenties, possibly a bit older, I had heard about "Kim" having the chronic, incurable disease of Lupus. There was so little known about this disease at that time, other than there was NO CURE for it, and basically it was a death sentence back then. Even the world of Medical Professionals had really not figured out what was going on, other than the body was actually attacking its own self, from skin, to internal organs, heart, brain, kidneys, lungs, and more.... there were no real tests to find out for sure if Lupus was a correct "diagnosis". At that time the very distinctive symptoms are what gave doctors a clue as to if you had this disease since some of the are often vague, and others very specific to the Lupus illness. The "Wolf's mask" or what now is known as a "Mylar Rash" is probably the most distinctive symptom of Lupus. IT has a very definite look, feel, and way it comes on, so that in itself is a very good hint into whether Lupus is the correct diagnosis or not. Then there are the much more vague symptoms, which are more "ongoing flu like" in nature. Extreme fatigue, other unexplained rashes on the hands, feet, legs, low grade fever that lingers on with the other symptoms, a severe "migraine type" headache, aching joints and muscles, usually several of them over the body, often an almost "allergic reaction" to being in the sun causing the facial rash to be much worse, changes in weight and appetite (loss), problems with hair falling out, swollen lymph nodes under in the throat, inflammation of blood vessels (Vasculitis), swelling of hands and/or feet, Raynaud's phenomenon which is caused when vessels in the fingers and toes seem to not get enough oxygen to the small  causing then to turn blue, and almost feel as if they are frost bitten, very cold and tingling or burning. Anemia can be another symptoms of Lupus also.

Thus, as you can see, there are a variety of symptoms that could be associated with any number of illnesses, some possibly serious, and others a mild 24 hour flu. The "markings" of the "Mask" happens to be one of the most prevalent of signs of Lupus. Since there are two types of Lupus, one that involves strictly the skin, (Cutaneous Lupus) and the other that can effect everything from skin to internal organs which is called "SLE" (Systemic lupus erythematosus), both can have this particular hallmark feature of the disease. Lupus is a chronic illness that at this time has no cure. Over the past 2 years although, there has been extensive research yielding new medications that are on the market to help Lupus Patients. I will get into more about these new medications in a later blog post.

The Realms within Creative People - The Dark side?

Down a couple of lines I posted about the"Dark Side of Creativity"... but not because I feel creative people are more dishonest, I feel creativity, high intelligence, etc... people with these gifts in many ways do show an "oddity" that surrounds them, much more than others. Anyone, that paints, plays music, writes, is a very deep thinker, has an aptitude to be genius, etc. more over shows to have emotions, and deep seated realms that usually give them the talents they have. I can say that will all honesty because with my creative talents come also very at times a darkness that evolves within me. Those are the times that my writing is at its best. Although it does not mean what I write is "dark or evil", actually it is usually just the opposite of being filled with horror etc. But if you look at people like DeVinci, writers like Twain, William Blake, Silva Plath (who wrote dark also), Tom Robbins, songwriters such as Kristofferson, Willie Nelson - often seem to not "fit in" socially among some, many of our singers, actors, actresses, bands and band members (who have even some killed themselves) like Jim Morrison... Within the realms of the artistic nature, are some things that some may deem as evil, but that is what makes that person the creative artist they are... of course that does not mean just because we are writers, poets, song writers, musicians, painters, and so forth, we are going to knock our self off... just that many of us find ourselves not "fitting in" at times with the what is ever considered the "norm" for society. We tend to be almost anti-social, kind of rebellious, not going for what "normal is"... which is a good thing...

Valentine's Day and Celebrating my Birthday Tomorrow

Lots of things are going on this week. Some of them are good, for a change. We are celebrating Valentine's Day today, and I was almost a Valentine's baby, since my birthday is tomorrow. We went to the casino in OK yesterday to celebrate both events. We have been going to Winstar lately, in Thackersville, OK, rather than making the longer trip to Bossier City, LA. The drive to OK is not nearly as long. You can be there with light traffic in about an hour and a half or so. Where as the trip to Bossier - Shreveport is more than almost 3 hours, depending on traffic. I thought about staying overnight, but after all day there, and then the line for the buffet being hours long all day long, I with my blisters on my feet after not thinking to put socks on over my hose since my thigh high boots are a little big, my feet are really hurting. The price I usually pay for even a day trip the next day or so. I am sore all over, worn out, and feel drained. But, with the Lupus, Sjogren's, Raynauds and other immune issues that is typically what happens. Never the less, the trip was good. I had a great time!!! I think all of us won a little, or at least won enough that we broke even. I have not counted up yet, but I think I may have won a little over what I took. That is a good thing. There were a couple of machines I got on later in the afternoon that I won two of the small jackpots on. One was like about 45.00 and the other 20.00 or so, then I won several of the bonus rounds, which one was 35.00 and then several of the 10.00 and 20.00 bonus rounds.
Being Valentine's day and everyone talking about it on Facebook, made me think about how the day is celebrated around the world in different countries. Interestingly enough, many other countries do celebrate the day for "lover's" when I did a Google search on it. They do some of the same things we do, and some do other really awesome things also.

I have a couple of links I will post with this to see how others celebrate.
http://www.novareinna.com/festive/valworld.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valentine%27s_Day

It is really interesting to know so many share in this day for lovers. :) I also thought about the vintage Valentine Day cards that my Dad has back from when he was a young boy in elementary school. He kept a couple of his cards from back then, and they are so delicate and ornate. Back then they were truly spectacular, with almost a lacy dye cut look to them. I looked up some on Google and never thought about them being antique, but they have to be around 80 years old. Dad would have been 88 I believe this month, on Ground Hog Day, and he got these when he was fairly young in school, so I know they have to be about that old. I need to get them and put them in my cedar chest for safekeeping to hand down to my kids for them to keep also.

I can remember all of the years that this week meant snow skiing in either Santa Fe, NM or in Pagosa Springs CO! Each year for the week of my birthday, we went snow skiing. That was our vacation and celebration of my birthday. Also, the tradition of my birthday cake is a heart shaped red velvet cake. My Mom has made one just about for every birthday I have ever celebrated. Probably other than the few years I spent in Seattle she has kept that tradition from my very first birthday. :) I have always looked forward to that cake each year. It became a tradition that I truly enjoyed. :)

Since my 50th birthday last year was not so pleasant, with me actually not just in the hospital, but in surgery for my birthday in 2010, it was very important that this one be special... almost extra special. I hope never again to spend my birthday or any day that ill, and on the edge of being not even here again. It was a scary time in our lives that I pray never is repeated.

I wish all a wondrous Valentine's Day also.

Weather, Winter, Cold & A first for many in Texas!

As we endured a wondrous balmy 70 degrees last weekend, as of Monday we went to freezing ice, and now temperatures well below freezing with wind chills at 3 degrees and even down below ZERO! It is not a pretty picture as we watch the idiots in Dallas on the freeways. They decided the roads were good enough to go, and they are quickly finding out the bridges and overpasses are covered in black ice as 18 wheelers, along with cars and trucks slip and slide all over into ditches, and stuck over the medians. It is wild. We also shall not even see temperatures above freezing until probably Saturday. We are under a very hard freeze warning, along with a wind chill warning, and expectation of more ice and snow on Thursday and Friday. It is far from what we saw this past weekend. Of course we are also looking to endure state wide of rolling black outs from Oncor. We can possibly expect our lights to go out for anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour per our local news channels. People are calling in and reporting they have been without power for more than an hour. We do not have enough power to carry the entire state of TX, since even down at Brownsville is right at the freezing level.
Our other huge ordeal is the fact that we have the Super Bowl in Dallas in the new stadium on Sunday, which is a huge thing for Dallas and the Metroplex area. It appears we will have "nice" weather and be in the upper 50's by Sunday for the game! I guess most will consider that a heat wave on Sunday since our temps are at about 16 degrees here, with a wind chill of 3!!!!

I can honestly say of all the years of living in TX, I never have seen it get this cold, with these wind chills. Or at least not in our area around Dallas. It does get very, very cold in Amarillo and the panhandle. I have been in Amarillo in February when the wind chills had to be very well below zero! That wind would cut through you like a knife! by the time you got out of the car, and got into the bathroom, you were almost too cold to even think about peeing!

We are looking at possibly more snow and sleet on Friday! Snow, oh yes, it is so pretty and so awesome in the late evening when everything is so quiet!!!

So as today would have been my Dad's 88th birthday, and the ground hog saw no shadow thus we should get an early Spring time coming.

Hard to believe Dad has been gone now for 6 years....

It's been awhile! I am here and hopefully back

Well, I never thought it would be so long before I got to my blog again, that I might not be able to find it! alas, here it is the New Year, ringing in the pain pump now in place, and the medication almost where it needs to be dosage wise. Of course I realize I will never be completely free of pain. But, compared to oral pills, and all else endured for far too many years for the chronic illnesses and pain, I would highly suggest a pain pump to anyone who was in my place, or many are already worse. It is quite a lengthy process to just get to the place of having a "trial" time. Fortunately for me, I went in thinking I was going in for my trial, but due to my doctor already having known me for over 5 years, treating me, and knowing my total history, they already had the pump approved, and at the hospital in November a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving. I made my decision on the gurney while waiting for the OR room to be set up. Actually, we had figured as much due to what the nurses had told me while they prepared me for the surgery. Sure enough my personal representative from Medtronic was there to get me ready as far as understanding the entire situation. My doctor was more than ready to go right on and put it in, rather than have to do a trial, then in a day or two, re-admit me, and then do the surgery. So, since I was already ready to get this thing started, as the song goes, I went in and came out with yet another hunk of metal in my body. This one hopefully like the knee replacements that shall give me tremendous relief from the far too many years of chronic, daily pain. The kind of pain that has ruled over my life for at least 15 years, and that I have tried everything known to man, woman and alien to help me. The list is endless of doctors, therapies, medications, physical therapy, magnets, rubs, TENS units, injections in my various joints and back, way too many CT and MRI scans and enough Xrays that I should have an eternal green glow at night!
 The number of doctors I have seen was too large to count on fingers and toes! From over the counter remedies, to anti-seizure medications, to NSAIDS, and narcotics... the list of pills are endless also.The day I shall always feel lives in infamy for me, is the day I was visiting my current pain specialist and his words were "time to think about a pain pump!" I almost hugged him! Five years ago, when I first went to him, it was because my still PCP had already suggested highly it was more than time for a pain pump for me.

I was signing papers, watching DVD's, reading everything online I could find, and just trying to hurry up the process. It took of course getting insurance approval, then several visits of talking about it, telling me about the first part, which was a psyche evaluation, that was truly more due to insurance, than my doctor. But, I had it done, and was ready for the next step. Well, by the time his nurse got all done with my insurance, they had basically said there was no need for a trial on me, and go ahead!

Now I had a couple of small setbacks, the first of which was one of the horrible "spinal" headaches that is caused by having a lumbar puncture not seal up as it should, thus the loss of spinal fluid messes up the balance, and the headache in sues.  Of course I developed the damned thing on the Saturday, after coming home on Friday from the hospital! We basically knew the issue, and after calling my doctor, we did have to make a trip to the ER to get my severe nausea and vomiting stopped and then I was told to drink as much caffeine as possible. For some strange reason for many, a spinal headache can be stopped with enough caffeine. I went back to Dallas the following Tuesday, still with the headache, but it was somewhat better than the weekend. They scheduled me for what is called a "blood patch" to seal it off, but said if I continued to get better, and was careful, I may not even need the patch. Thus true, I did everything I was told, and it sealed on its own. A couple of weeks later, I began to feel a knot coming up on my back by my spine, where the incision is for the catheter that was put in to the pump and then attached into my spine. come to find out, it is a fluid buildup that does happen, and it is called a seroma. Luckily, it will finally go away on its own since it stopped growing and began showing signs of going down. We did not want to take a chance to drain it and cause a possible infection.

Thus even with those two minor issues, and then the weekly trips to Dallas to my pain specialist for weeks and weeks, we have finally about gotten my dosage of medication in the pump where it needs to be.

I went in yesterday, and he refilled it, with a higher concentration of medication, which means not having to go as often for it to be refilled! I have already seen so much getting better... no more side effects from the oral medications, it is a relief not to worry about those pills, making sure I take them right, making sure I fill them when i needed to and so forth. I was a little bent out of shape because the pump shows a little with my shirt off. But, that I was told would happen due to my slender waist. And I surely am not going to put on any weight, so it will just have to stay showing and turn into a conversation starte...LOL, probably.
I am thrilled to be back online, and hope that with this pump life gets a great deal better this year. I still have hurdles to jump, but this year one huge one I have cleared hopefully for a long time to come.

Well Tomorrow is the Day

Well, as the old saying goes, don't ask for what you don't expect! I was thinking the ordeal with the pain pump was at least a week away from yesterday. I had called the hospital and they told me I was scheduled for the first trial procedure on the 16th, so that was next Tuesday.
Well, we went to the market, got home and was putting up groceries, and I got a call from my pain doctors nurse. They got everything approved and set, and now TOMORROW is the day for the pump "trial". I had been hoping they would get it done earlier than next week, because I did not want to be in the hospital or just getting out on Thanksgiving. Thus that probably means if the pain pump is already coming to the hospital the doctor will probably have me come back in early next week (I know Tuesdays are a day he does procedures) and I will actually have the surgery next week. I am not positive, but he did tell me he does not wait long, that if the trial goes well, he sends me home, only to turn around and come back very soon. Plus it appears he will be right, and I will be through before Thanksgiving. I will still very much be getting over surgery, and not able to do much of anything.
I have to encourage myself about the issues of NOT OVERDOING when I come home. I have a friend on Face Book that had a pump put in about 5 weeks ago or so. She was doing fine, but she must have overdone too quickly. She began having swelling about 10 to 15 days after the surgery around the pump itself. When she went back in for her recheck the catheter they felt was leaking, thus it meant going back in to fix it. Sure enough, when they redone surgery, it had been pulled loose. Thus more than likely she pushed, strained, pulled, or overdone too quickly, before the catheter had time to really anchor in where it is stitched etc. and it was pulled loose. She has already had the corrective surgery, and is back home recuperating once again. But, it is a good reminder for me, NOT to do what I should NOT when I get home. I have a tendency to get restless, and want to get up and do something. But, I have already pledged to myself and my husband I would NOT go there. Amy, my friend on FB, is a good reminder of what could happen if I don't do exactly as I am supposed to.
I have already gotten my crotchet stuff out and have thread enough to begin a new afghan. I also found some brand new color books and colors I had bought a couple of years ago for my grand kids for one Christmas when we thought they would be here on Xmas day. LOL, I thought I might color. Plus I have my IPad, of which is going with me to the hospital Jim has already set it up where I can connect to my computer here at home, and do my email etc. I am not sure if the hospital has wireless for their patients, but we are going to get a months' service through AT & T if not, so I can connect to the internet.
I am honestly extremely nervous!! I know I have had more than time to think this over, have had all of my doctors tell me this is a great thing and so forth, but of course, even with all of that, I realize this is another surgery, and I will now have another "foreign device" in my body. I already have both knees that are titanium, screws in my left elbow, clips in my right shoulder, and will eventually have titanium in that shoulder also. Thus here is another piece of metal that will be inside of me. That is not such a huge thing, but just the thought of it, is kind of weird feeling.
Everything I have read, everyone I have talked to, etc. all is positive for the most part. They say my pain will diminish a great deal more, with lots less medication! Plus I won't suffer the side effects of taking the medications orally, like stomach upset, constipation, and so forth. Of course as with any kind of procedure, there are things for instance, such as Amy's catheter pulling out of place that can happen. But all in all, everything shows a great success on these new pumps. We shall see. I have waited a very long time to get as much control as possible over the pain, without being knocked out, thus this is the ultimate way to get it. Also, I have to remind myself, if for any reason, it needs to be taken out, it can fully be removed with no problems. So, I have to remember as "permanent" as it seems, it can always be removed.
Lots floating through my head this morning... please keep me in your thoughts and prayers, also Jim and my Mom and kids. We have not told Mom. Amanda or Jason yet that it has been moved up until tomorrow. I decided to wait until later today to let them know. They worry enough as it is.

Hugs to all... more later, Rhia