Trying to find "balance" between being a "Patient" and a "Caretaker"... a writer, a blogger, an Author, an activist, an Ambassador... and battling Lupus, RA, Sjogren's, Lumbar spine problems and chronic pain

I WILL BE SO GLAD WHEN THIS WEEK IS OVER!!!!!!!!!! I has been something everyday this week and today once again. AT noon Mom has an MRI on her lumbar spine. She HATES MRI's because of like many of us the noise and being so confined & be still... so I hope she makes it through okay. They did tell me that there is a doctor there at all times, & if a patient is extremely anxious, he can administer a really light sedative just to make them feel a bit more calm... where was that the last MRI I had??? I am not "fussing" about helping Mom out at all. That is not the meaning of this post. I know for her it is very difficult to go through all of this. In fact she missed PT yesterday.  Even though she has the schedule hanging right up on her calendar, she got confused I guess, so I went at 1:45 to pick her up, and she was not ready..... and when I said something about PT, she said today?? I said yes  - Mon. Wed and Fri.... all of this along with the medication I think the pain doctor gave her to take at bedtime so she can sleep, (she had not been sleeping due to the pain for weeks) it may have her a bit confused. She so rarely takes anything but basically blood pressure meds, potassium, Lasix, and Crestor... so having other meds in her system, I think has her kind of fuzzy.... hell I am FUZZY MINDED ALL THE TIME (LOL)!!!! Anyway she does know I am picking her up at noon today for the MRI... and then tomorrow she goes for the PT again. What I am seeing and thinking, if she goes a couple more times to PT, just about all they are doing for her, and some of it she is doing at home a couple of times a day anyway, she could probably go twice a week, and be fine. She can do the rest of it at home... and I do know she has been doing the exercises they showed her... I think that in itself, just not having to run out 3 times a week in this horrible heat, may help some. It is honestly so danged hot here, and we have a butt load of humidity to make things worse... I can't even stand in my kitchen giving the dogs their medications without sweating... insane. I have been turning the A/C off early when I first get up, then back on about 11 am or so, but I went and turned it on the "humidity" setting for now to dry out this "sticky, damp" feeling.... anyway, things here are nuts... I take my last round of antibiotics today for the cellulitis.... but the lump is not gone... so I am not sure if that is okay and the medications will continue on to work to get rid of it, or if it will just be a lump there for awhile, OR if I need more antibiotics.... I HOPE NOT the 3rd! They have really put me into one helluva tail spin with my stomach. Plus make me feel so tired and fatigued... on top of what my usual is, and I am just drained about all of it, but I don't want to wind up in the hospital either.. Mom will go in for the injections once the MRI is done and our pain doctor has the results. I figure sometimes next week, which will mean a VERY EARLY trip to Dallas, and way up Central Expressway to a surgery center on Greenville Avenue... so I don't look forward to that one either. I've just made this trip myself for my injections, and then the discogram a few weeks back... so once again, off to Dallas...

I am still quite puzzled as to why after all of the MRI's, CT's, X-rays, and tests on my lower back all these years, that not one test ever showed me missing the "lamina" that I was born without.... I've always said I don't think some of these scans and so forth are nearly as accurate at times... I can't think of one of them that was very accurate on me.... every time I've had a surgery, once the surgeon is actually looking inside, there has been a great deal more damage than what any "scan" ever would show.... even with my neck surgery, shoulder... knees... any of them... in fact I believe it was my cervical spine, the severe damage was in a "hidden" spot that the CT could not pick up from my understanding... so that makes me wonder how many of us suffer and doctors do these tests, and they don't look so bad, so they think we are just "making it up"... or it is not bad enough to warrant surgery and so forth. I have certainly fought with one doctor for 2 YEARS before they finally fixed my left elbow. I had about 19 steroid injections in it, before I found a doctor that did surgery right away, and sure enough the tests didn't show all of the damage....

I've also now am having issues with my right hand and fingers worse, but both hands and fingers. I've got swelling that is usually not where it is now, and I can barely stand to type for very long, and they hurt almost all the time. Always something... so to all have a good day.... I've got to do a few more things and then get ready to take Mom for the MRI.... more to come

"I feel as if I should have a full-time TV "Reality Show".... called "Chronic Illness/Pain patient - Caregiver This is MY LIFE! REALLY!

The Links to both of my Poetry and Prose Books on Amazon and also my Profile....

I have not really been "advertising" my two poetry and books and I should share these with you. It has been awhile since I mentioned them, and since I am probably about half way into completing my 3rd "autobiographical" look into my own trials and tribulations with autoimmune illness, chronic pain and my winding forever river of all things "Autoimmune" to me.

My 3rd book, is a view from my own self a patient of these horrid illnesses, and what I feel at times others view my as.... whether that be good, bad or indifferent, there are always different views from different people.

I tend to feel most "facebook" and online blogs etc, are where most are in total belief of what you are going through. I don't "feel" or see that as much on a daily level around my own little neck of the woods.

Several reasons, from some not "seeing" me when I am the most ill. Some because they just have not really seen me or been able to talk with me. People have busy lives and often even though you may run face to face with someone you know, does not mean there is time to really "explain" the complexities of any type of chronic illness, and most especially any type of "autoimmune illness(es), chronic pain" and how many medications, doctors, surgeries, and even the daily "grind" of every moment of your day evolves around being chronically ill..


I know MANY of us try our best to "put aside" the thought of a daily illness; yet if we really are honest with ourselves, and take a good inventory of our life day to day, we absolutely have to come to terms with "Yes, I am chronically ill", "Yes, it does in many ways rules my life", and although I may not want to come to terms with it, my life and those around me, can change from moment to moment.

I can be sitting here typing away right now, feeling sore, tired, achy and so on. Yet, in 10 minutes I might be so ill that I have to be taken to the Urgent Care Center, the ER, my own physician, or even hospitalized depending on the situation.

So, even though we try not to allow this "anxiety causing, horrific, abusive, sometimes very harmful" chronic autoimmune diseases, we still have to understand that they do in some ways rule over our lives. It would be almost impossible for them not to....

Anyway, so here are the links to my poetry books, and my "Author" about me page...

http://smile.amazon.com/Rhia-Steele/e/B009Z901AG/ref=dp_byline_cont_book_1

http://smile.amazon.com/Ramblings-Seasoned-Soul-Brush-Strokes/dp/1461061946/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

http://smile.amazon.com/Ramblings-Seasoned-Soul-Brush-Strokes/dp/1461061946/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1428505245&sr=8-1&keywords=Rhia+Steele

Creatures of Habit - WEGO #HAWMC for Saturday April 4th 2015

       Today's Post for WEGO Health Writers Month Challenge!

 

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What a great post this will be for many! I've mentioned this particular subject pretty often.

We become "engrained" in a certain routine, or something we tend to do daily, or quite often, without even giving it much of a thought.

So, here is my "Creature of Habit" posting...

My daily "routine" is probably fairly boring to most, but for me, it is usually what deems how the "rest of my day" will be. Will I feel behind the entire day, like I am not getting all accomplished as I had planned? Probably! Will I look up and find I have actually done much more at an earlier time than I thought, so I may have a bit of "free time" to write more, and so forth?

My day begins with turning the coffee pot on, even though I quit drinking coffee, I do it because my husband drinks coffee. Talk about a "habit change"? He used to be a morning couple of cups coffee drinker. Now, like my Mom, he has developed a habit of drinking coffee ALL day and even into the evening hours. Weird and strange, but true. From there it is check the dogs water, and check their food bowls, fill them as needed, and put them in their proper places. Since they are both inside dogs, then I have to do a "paper check" clean that up and mop if need be, and put fresh paper down. Okay, then it is off to open all the blinds because I want as much light as possible in our home. So in just about every room, I have blinds I open first thing also so we can have a bit of "light on the subject". I usually join my husband on the front porch to check out the "brand new day" and see how the weather is. Of course TX weather can change within a breath's space, so it could look like it might rain like heck, and in a half hour, be sunny and not a cloud in the sky.

By this time, I am about to "die" for something to drink. Since I don't drink coffee anymore, it is usually iced green tea, with lemon and Splenda, or I've began this Coke Zero, Diet Pepsi, Sprite Zero thing now. I switch back and forth during the day from a "diet" drink to green tea. But, I am ALWAYS with a glass of something to drink in my hand, or a bottle in the car. Due to the Sjogren's, I HAVE to have something to keep my "whistle wet" as the old saying goes.

Then it is onto make the bed. I cannot stand to NOT have the bed made! that is one of those things that would drive me nuts, not to have the bed made up. I get the pups in their places of "habit" on the sofa. Then head to the computer, to check out the weather, see what is happening on Facebook, check out Twitter, and my blog, then I go and begin to weed through the huge load of crud in my email box. Thank goodness we have a "spam" program that for the most part puts the spam mess in a different box, but some of it still slips through, so through that I go, to see if I need to answer emails and so on.

I check the calendar and my "list". I never go a day without a "list" or "lists". Sometimes I may have several lists for different things. I could rarely remember my name if it were not on some kind of list.

Now, onto a "creature of habit" about some things that just drive me nuts. Of course the bed being made is one of them. But, I HATE the phone to ring before 9AM and after 6PM! Unless I am expecting a call before or after those times, it just almost makes me upset. I am one that does NOT like the phone to ring anyway. But. when it rings way too much during the course of a day, or rings too early or late in the evening after we have settled in to watch a movie etc. I get totally disarrayed over the phone ringing. One of my "habits".

I HATE any dish that is sitting not washed. I can't stand to have any unwashed dishes, silver ware, bowls. whatever. Before I go anywhere, or leave home etc. every dish better be washed and at least in the drain rack. Closing the toilet seat is another. One of those things I always do, and just get upset if I find it left up. (This my husband knows all too well!) LOL!!!

I take a handful of certain medications as soon as my feet hit the floor out of bed, and then I take my others about 10 AM every morning, habit that it is, then in most cases, I then eat a bowl of cereal for my morning breakfast, or more out of the habit due to not wanting my medications to upset my stomach. And for the post part it is usually cereal. Sometimes I've bought cinnamon rolls, or made muffins etc. But I am a cereal person, and I rarely ate cereal as I kid. So, that is quite funny and odd now.

Just about every day, I take a "break" about 4PM, and sit down with my pups, one on each side, to watch part of a movie, before time to cook dinner around 5:30PM or so. It is a habit, that I've kept for the most part, unless something takes me away from the house, or I am sick, but most of the time, at 4PM I am with those two pups and on our sofa for about an hour or so.

I always 'Pay" my bills on the 3rd of each month. That is almost "religiously". Unless something is strange as far as how that day falls in the month or so forth, I pay bills every month on the 3rd.

I ALWAYS have a list, my coupons, and my reusable bags when I shop. Never do I go without the very least my reusable bags. The list and coupons are there about 99 percent of the time also.

Every night without question, after we eat dinner, which by the way, is on two of our very nice wooden TV trays in our living room, and we "I" watch the "Nightly News". If the news happens to not be one due to a ball game etc, it just messes up my entire evening. I want to see the news, at that time. It is always on Channel 5 here, and up until "Bryan Williams" had his stuff happen, I always preferred to watch him, another habit.

I NEVER DRY most of my "good clothes" in the dryer. I always hang them on hangers, and let them air dry in the house. Jeans and all. I don't want anything pulled out of shape, or fading, or wrapped around anything, so I never dry my clothes other than on hangers.

I absolutely, unless I am too ill, do some type of writing daily. Whether it is on my blog, Facebook, on my book I am writing now, or even sometimes in an email to a friend, I write daily. I also always as a habit try to do at the very least ONE thing for advocacy. I try and it is definitely a habit, that I do at least one item, and usually it is several a day for advocacy.

I for the most part have a habit of being off the computer by mid afternoon. Unless something is very important, that is when I stop my "computer stuff", do my house hold cleaning, run errands and so on. But by about 2 to 3 PM, I am off the computer.

IF I bake something, which also a habit, I do without fail at the least 3 times a week. I always bake in the morning early. I get that done, and as whatever it is bakes, a cake, pie, cookies, brownies, crumb cakes, or whatever, I bake very early in the morning.

I am in the habit of if there is a shower curtain it must be pulled all the way out to dry. Now with my "glassed in shower" I ALWAYS spray it with shower spray, and open both doors all the way so they will dry out, without fail.

I cannot stand anything on my area rugs. We have wood floors, so we have large area rugs. If there is the least bit of anything on them, I vacuum without fail. I hate seeing those carpets with any thing on them such as lint, crumbs, dog hair, etc.

I am a habitual believer in washing my car by hand. Unless the weather is too cold, or I am ill, I wash the car by hand. I've done that for many years and feel it is much better for the finish if it is hand washed.

I HATE a wet dish towel. I always have two or three out, and I switch them around, so the one that is with the dish drainer is dry. It just irks me to pick one up and it be too wet.

I am in the "habit" of taking care of ALL of our medications. I feel if "I" don't call in refills, or do them through the computer etc. they will not get done correctly. So, I always take care of medication refills, I always do any banking to be done, I always pay the bills, and those are things that I've done as a "habit" all of my grown adult life.

I am in the habit of sending "snail mail" greeting cards to family. I send some online to online friends. But, when it comes to close family, I believe in taking the time to go, pick out the card special for that person, and writing in it to let them know I am thinking of them, and send those snail mail.

I also made it a habit that every year without fail I write a "Christmas letter". It goes out with our snail mail cards, and each year for as long as I can remember I've sent a letter telling others about the past year and what ever I happened during that time.

My "habits" are many when it comes to the routine things in life. It seems since I had a very difficult time when I was a young adult, I have been the "take charge" person in any relationship. I DO it, because whether it is paying a bill, making a doctor visit, buy groceries, and that includes my Mom's things also, I am the one that is in the habit of, I do it. As I said, even with Mom's bills, and anything with paperwork, or making appointments to see the doctor, whatever she has that needs to be done, I am usually the one who takes care of it. I had mentioned above about have issues when I was a young adult. Back then I had two very abusive relationships. One not so much, physical, but more emotional and mental. The 2nd one turned out to be an abusive drama for many years in all ways. From mental, emotional, physical, to not paying bills, or helping to support myself and the 2 kids (I worked full time so usually my own paycheck paid the bills), because the person I was with back then could not keep a job, or spent his paycheck before he even came home with it and so forth. So, at a very early age I decided I would be the one that took charge of most everything that is involved in daily life, from paying bills, to even planning a vacation, I did it myself.

So, creature of habit, yes. There are many other things. I always read on my "new diagnosis" or a "new medication" when that happens. One "habit" that began when my now husband and I first got together over 10 years ago, we without fail, always buy a "Sleigh Bell" Christmas Ornament every year. In fact, we have bought them from the exact same place, and I believe we have at least 11, if not 12 including this past Christmas. No matter what else is going on during the holidays, it is definitely a "traditional habit" that I make sure we get the Christmas Sleigh Bell Ornament by Wallace in fact every year and it comes from a small store in all places Kent, Washington. The first one we bought, we drove down to the actual store and picked it out. After that we moved, so I've had to order them, but it is another one of those wonderful habits, that is a memory maker for the years to come.

WEGO Health Awards Annual Event!!! Please go by and "Endorse" me!

Things have been hectic with everything going on from the holidays, to my own issues with going for check ups, getting my pain pump refilled, getting Jim to a decent, reputable pain doctor (MINE)... and hopefully getting him the medications he needs in order to be able to get up and function without so much horrid pain.

  https://awards.wegohealth.com/nominees/1998

Jim's pain of course, like mine and many others is a complicated situation. After the car accident, he has lots of damage to nerves, to the spinal cord, to muscles, and so forth. So, it takes a combination of medications, not just the "standard" pain meds, to help him. Things like Baclofen, Zanaflex, Gabapentin, are three of the others he needs in order to get the pain of nerve damage, muscle issues like spasticity, under control. Then some regular pain medication for other pain. So, going to the specialist enabled him to get ALL of the meds needed, rather than just "pain meds".

I am still reeling also from the ridiculously stupid incident in Corsicana that I would NOT TAKE my dog to .... the so-called "Oral Surgeon", more like a money hungry greedy, jack ass, that practically ran out the back door, when he heard the lady in the front asking me for MONEY!!! It was "supposed" to be a "free consultation", or at the very least, NO other costs of Xrays. Oh hell no, of course he had to do his OWN freaking Xray, in which my dentist had just done not 3 weeks ago to show the HOLE between my sinus cavity (Maxillary Sinus Cavity) and my mouth. As I've said that was caused due to a very difficult root in an upper molar that was so close to the "boney part" between the mouth and sinus cavity that it actually pulled a hole in between them. It appears in my mouth to be only about like the thickness of a small toothpick. But in the X-ray, it does show a larger "communication" as they call it in technical terms, maybe a 1/2 inch or possibly longer between them. Well, I went down there prepared to set up a "more aggressive plan to fix it" which would entail probably bone implant. I have already had it "sewn" closed initially, then my own dentist did a less invasive procedure that I wished I would have asked for "gas" like I had been with the rest. He had to literally "cut" a flap of my gum and try and put it over the tiny hole, then suture that into place. Hopes were it would "seal" itself over and we would be done... but IT IS COMPLICATED RHIA!!! So "Rhia's Law" NOThING is "simple" with me... always has to be complicated as hell and stubborn, and cost more... and. and, and .... and ... and then more... but the jackass down there basically as far as I am concerned ripped me off of 130.00 and DID NOTHING for me... in fact he was even "wishy washy" ABOUT ME having it "fixed"!!!! How stupid is that, plus he wanted to do the "same thing" that had already been tried and failed... and charge me $2,400.00!!!!!!!... YES Two Thousand Four Hundred Dollars and was going to do it under a "local" and not even gas!!! He is nuts. I watched on U-Tube what "needs" to be done... and I NEED TO BE KNOCKED OUT to do it!!!! It is insanity now days to get anyone to do their damned job as far as physicians, pharmacists etc...

Yesterday, I went to 3 DIFFERENT PHARMACIES, to get Jim's meds filled... and used to if they did not have it, they could order and have it the next day... NOT ANY MORE.... now like WG's told me they only ORDER MEDICATIONS ON THE WEEKEND!!! Excuse me???? No wonder they never have anything in stock... that is crazy!!! Hell not all that long ago, I could go into my pharmacy in Corsicana, my Pharmacist, would GO OUT OF HIS WAY, AND even call around to other pharmacies if need be to get my meds if they did not have them at the moment!!! And this was not a "small" pharmacy, but it was actually Wal-Marts pharmacy in Corsicana!!! He was amazing.

RARELY DID THEY NOT HAVE MY MEDS... and if they did. 99% of the time, they got them that day, if not the next for sure......

Well, I finally had to just get up, get a few things done around the house, that I REALLY DID NOT feel like doing, but I did them anyway... and now I think I may sit down and watch a movie with my puppies....

I am seriously considering writing yet a 4th book. This one will be "fun" for myself and everyone who loves the "colloquialisms" of different states, even different places within a state... accents, the "sayings" we have heard from our child hoo years and so forth. My husband has been on me to actually put ALL that I have and say all the time together and publish a book of them. Thus, I've been putting down many, many of the sayings as I've went through the years. Now, I am trying to think of a really great name for the book!!!! Then I can "register" the title, start on the cover of it, and then it gives me something very "tangible" I can work with. Wish me luck as a venture on out yet into another realm of my life... many good times wrapped around lots of those "sayings" I've heard since I was a young child... this time I think Dad will be (would have been) proud... :):) It will be dedicated to him, because he is the one that filled my head full of them for so many years... :):) More to come..... 

There for Me...

As any writer knows, sometimes things don't play in your mind as maybe they should be. And where inspiration comes only a true writer can see. A silly TV show that went "viral" for many seasons... and for years I never saw any of the episodes. But, this evening as I watched one of the reruns. Something spoke so deeply to me, that I could not even lay down and sleep. I had to get up and put it down on "paper"... Now some may "get the wrong impression" when they read this... it has NOTHING to do with my life now or anyone in my life now. But, it hits me from way back when... I thought fairy tales never came to an end.... So this is a "song" I heard in my head tonight... and I am compelled to post it here. I started not to, and just put it up on my blog... and it will definitely be there also... but for now, here it is:


There for Me...

When you needed me, I was there for you…
And you pleaded for me, cause you always knew…
When you would call, I could hear your words of sound…
Yet, when I called out, you were no where to be found.

We lit the sky up with love in the words…
Sounds came crashing down, as I walked towards…
To find out I was there for you…
Yet, where you were I never knew.

We took that plunge when you were so young…
Singing the songs that should never have been sung…
You turned around and saw me, and even then I knew…
You would cling to me, yet I could never cling to you.

Many nights I seemed to fly so high…
Above the moon and Earth, into to another sky…
As I turned to see the stars within your eyes…
All I could see was all those sad goodbyes…

When you needed me, I was there for you…
Tumbling down the mountain side, I bled for two…
Me and you should have never have been…
And now I feel the pain, it’s as bad as it was, way back then.


Then the darkness fell all around…
The chaotic world, yet not a single sound…
Of those words you said back then…
Did you mean them, when you said them way back when.

I came to you wanting to journey through space and time…
Make my life out, just like Cinderella in a nursery rhyme…
Yet I turned around and then I knew…
That was way back then, but you never had a clue…

The years have flown by and in those many nights of tears…
I cried out to you, yet you never feared…
You thought you and I would always be…
And even now you still try to cling to me.

When you needed me, I was there for you…
And you pleaded for me, cause you always knew.
When you would call, I could hear your words so dear…
And in those words it took me many years to fear…

That for me, never you meant to be…
What you promised, was to always cling to me…
And now in my lonely nights I silently pray…
Never tried to hate you, but I found no other way.

To get over you for so many years…
Through painful nights and all too many tears…
I fell from my own mountain top, and finally seen the end.
Of what I thought, was not even there back then.


When I needed you, you were never there for me…
I could not see the forest, for you stood as the tallest tree..
Blocking this vision, for too many years…
So what I cling to now, is what I know I fear.


Rhia Steele 12/2/2014