Do things EVER GET better from here??? Part 1- more to come...

I absolutely know that those directly effected by Hurricane Harvey, along with 2 more, one a category 5 STORM now, and the horrid nature of fires burning our entire Pacific Coastline nearly; along with other natural and man made disasters, we all wonder what the heck is next!?

As the news talks about the horrid events now days, they make it so utterly scary that many of us don't want to even walk out of our homes... between terrorism that comes in small, medium and HUGE FACTORS, how Mother Nature is reeking havoc in almost every state in the USA, and even across the waters into Europe. and the Asian countries, each day I wonder, will it ever get better? Are we just "doomed" to never see the "light" of day again, under all of the horrible things going on?

Our Federal Government is a total mess! That is stating it in a mild way. We are bound if we sit around, and allow it to be in a 3rd War soon, and none of us will be able to afford health care, and as some of us feel, we think the government just soon us "die" than to have to care for those chronically ill or elderly. That is a terrible statement but that is honestly how they come off now when they talk about "Obama" Care, and the ACA, and so forth.

We "used to be" the greatest nation in our world. Yet we are greedy, narcissistic, petty, arguing, not caring, or have no patience or compassion for the many of us suffering, whether it be physically, mentally or emotionally. Oh yes, everyone "comes together" when a huge disaster strikes, but on a daily level, of everyday life, people in general, not ALL but many could care less about their neighbors, people they work with, and even family members, much less strangers off the street.

While the entire world watches, the maniac in No. Korea is pounding and stomping, ready to annihilate our nation and others. I realize that although many wanted the current person as President of our country, I feel now there are those that wished they had not made that decision. He has no tact, he didn't in the running, he has no "people skills" and relies on his "team" that keeps either leaving or getting fired to "mop up his mess". How we can sit around and allow our President to "tweet" just anything he "feels" at the moment is beyond my comprehension. People griped about Hillary's emails" - well as far as I am concerned, what the "current" Leader of our nation does daily trumps (love it the word play there) LOL!  .. any email Hillary ever had compromised....

From the insurance ordeal, to him making more "enemies", to his "brushing" off the common daily person, with his attitude, to how he continues to cause this nation to possibly be in an all out war... he is just a train wreck waiting to happen.

"We" as a nation, seem to live now in one type of horror, or more than one these days. Whether it be physical illnesses, often chronic, acute health issues requiring emergent care, getting robbed, having some type of "terrorism" so close to us, knowing that there are those that just as soon "completely rid" the world of our country's people, high prices, and less wages... we live now in a society that nothing is ever "calm" , without stress, or have days that we are not worried about one thing or the other.

These are times of complications every where we turn. Health care costs are soaring. When a medication that is "necessary" to keep us with a good quality of life, in in the HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS A MONTH, OR WE MUST JUMP THROUGH HOOPS, anytime we have a health problem/ The days of bullying is at an all time high. Kids no longer can be "kids"... from the time they are very young, we in these days must teach them "how to not be harmed".. whether it be physically, mentally or emotionally. Now the "bullies" lurk not just face to face, but on the internet, causing so many of our children to be terrorized at a young age. Kids must watch out for those with "guns", knives or other weapons, in the time of their life that those things should not exist.

Eldery parents,caretakers,your own illnesses,surgery,family matters, Humana and insurance,doctors offices and issues, and more...

 Life is not always  BED OF ROSES... but I would settle for a few soft petals for now...




I am so excited - My NEW CORDLESS Weed Eater Came in yesterday! No more trying to pull those heavy cords around the yard, and I can take this out into the "back forty" also. Plus it is really almost lighter in weight than the corded one, and certainly lighter than the "gas" one. I can't weed eat for any long length of time, but I did discover, as long as I take it slow, and take breaks fairly quickly in between, then I can do lots with it. I can't start my darned lawnmower, because I do not have enough strength in my arms anymore to pull it quickly enough for it to start. It sucks, because I just put almost everything new on it last summer. I put the new pull cord device on it, a new air filter, changed the oil, a new spark plug, and fixed the "baffle" on it that deflects the grass. So, I am hoping my neighbor who used to mow the lawn will still do so, and he can see if i did a good job in the "overhaul" I guess when it plays out on me, I may have to get one that is "push button" for starting or something. I no longer can pull the cord quickly enough to start those kind. Anyway, right now I hope "nothing else" breaks or needs replacing around here. 

I've got the surgery to pay for, a doctors visit tomorrow that will have to be paid in full right now by me... he is my PCP and the ONLY doctor NOT on my "preferred provider list"... Hopefully since Aetna bought Humana, (they are on Aetna's plan) finally it will come together and they also will be on Humana's also... it is so odd, Humana used to carry them as a preferred provider for years.... anyway, I am having HELL with the surgeon's assistant that is doing my neck surgery. I go through hell with them on insurance every time... I FOUND THEM AND CALLED NOW 3 TIMES to make sure his clinic is on the "preferred provider list"... and I have seen it and they told me AGAIN ON THE PHONE YESTERDAY, that they are on Humana's "preferred providers list".... BUT the doctors office said the insurance said that they are not... well the issue is they have it listed under their "clinic name" which Humana tells me that means "the doctor" is covered... and I even got a special number on the phone yesterday as a confirmation that he is a preferred provider that I faxed to the doctors office... anyway, I have a 750.00 deductible on any "non preferred" provider then the insurance will pay 60% of the bill anyway, and then I pay 40%... so if it comes down to it, once that 750 is met, I would owe 40% of whatever, office visits, etc... and sometimes that 40% is actually "cheaper" than the co-pay which now is 20.00 for a PCP and a specialist is 45.00 in co-pay.... anyway, between that, trying to get Mom all figured out as far as her medications, and so forth, making sure I have someone to get me back and forth to the surgery next week on my neck and I think my son will be able to, he has to check with his work, then I will be in a neck brace for about 4 to 6 weeks...

 I will be able to drive after a week or so, but being in that neck brace makes it a bit more difficult, plus my pain pump has to be refilled around the 18th or so.... gosh always something... I won't be able to bend over, so I will have to get "creative" in changing the dogs paper and feeding/watering them... the little one is so full of "pee and vinegar" as the old saying goes, LOL, I will have to be extra careful with him after surgery so he does not trip me, or make me do something to "injure" my neck for the first couple of weeks... anyway we have all of that going on, and some others things, with family going on... I think all of us are more stressed out than we can almost handle... keep your thoughts and prayers with all of us right now.... I know my family will appreciate it for sure... 


My daughter and her family are under a great amount of stress due to jobs issues... things are so up in the air with the oil and has industry, and her husband, my son-in-law has worked with that type of thing now for over 10 years... yet with the extreme drop in oil and gas prices, of course it is taking a toll on so many of the companies that have anything to do with oil and gas right now... It is wonderful for us when we go to the gas station, but a nightmare for so many who may lose their jobs, and so forth. Talk about a double edged sword... so I have her and her family in my heart and am concerned for them, as I know this is a difficult time for them also. He does not really know from one day to the next if he will have a job with the company or not, and after having that security, benefits, insurance and so forth for over 10 years, that is difficult to deal with.

Where do you turn when there is nowhere to turn you feel like???

I just cannot begin to even tell what all has went on with me over the past 10 days, but this has been one of the worst weeks in my life, and it is like I see no end in sight...


I had a "plumbing" issue and thought I had taken care of it... well then I go to check my "clean out" to make sure, and I still had some standing water, from my washer in it, and I knew the weather is going to get back, and with Winter coming on, I certainly did not need a plumbing problem... it sucks because I just had all new pipes put i=under the house, and then even replaced a large section of our outside sewer line a couple of years back. So, it is all almost new, and even the cleanout itself we added a new one in, in order to hopefully not run into bad issues again....

In fact one of the guys from out city water dept. told me tree roots are really bad about getting into the pipes as they age... they can somehow get into them, and he told me to get a cheap container of bleach, and pour down that clean out once every month or so, and that would stop the tree roots from getting so bad... and it has slipped my mind, but once I had poured some of that in, and also went and got some liquid cleaner and poured down it, I thought I had remedied it... so Monday, he comes out, runs the auger through it, said he cleaned it out over 90 feet, and the only thing he found was possibly some ball of cotton or something, and it was okay... well that took 5 minutes and 130.00 later out of my pocket to be fixed....

Okay, then my Mom and I have been for followups for our PCP..he keeps an eye on her, blood pressure, and she has had some issues with UTI's and he watches me every 3 months due to the Lupus.... of course I have just went through the abscess on my left thigh, and it is still not completely well, and I still have the hard lump on the other thigh, but it just has not gotten larger... but it is there and should not be, and if I can ever get the other leg well, I feel it needs to come out and be biopsied due to the Lupus, RA, Sjogren's and my history of autoimmune stuff, and the medications, it could be a "sarcoma" and/or maybe just a benign lipoma, but still I do need to have the surgeon remove it.... so my blood work comes back and again I am still anemic... which I have been now for a couple of years, enough that I take B-12 injections every month, and should be taking pills daily, but with all of my other meds, my stomach just had a difficult time with so much medication....

So, then I get a call, and my Mom's "kidney function" labs, came back very "low", which means her kidneys for some reason are not ridding the waste as they should... so she went back for more labs yesterday, but I had to find a Nephrologist, and she sees him in early November.


She is still too thin, lost way too much weight, she stays totally confused about her medications, appts, even going to the store, I almost feel she is just not able to go alone right now... whatever we both went through at first about 3 months ago with what seemed to be a "stomach bug".... has worked into neither of us eating very much, nothing tastes right, and there is not much I can even think of that I want to eat... and I have lost weight also, but I wanted to... so for me that was fine... I did not lose like she did...

She is getting very feeble, and if she does not take the Meclazine, like I do daily, even yesterday I could tell she was kind of "off balance" at Wally World... and then to top that off she is complaining about being short of breath, which last time we went through that we found out she has a "leaky valve" in her heart, that lets the blood with oxygen flow backwards, thus not getting enough of it through her body and lungs... but we had fate on our side, and for the time, her cardiologist was able to contain it without open heart surgery, by reducing her fluid intake, and her taking more Lasix, which keeps the flow a bit lower, and it does not flow backwards as much...

But, now once again, and it could be allergies, it could be a touch of COPD, her age, and even her just being so ill for so long... she went through a huge ordeal with her intestines and stomach... and come to find out she had not been taking her GERD medications in months and months I guess. She was on one prescription and somewhere down the line, I guess she lost track, or whatever and she was not taking GARD meds, which was a lot of the stomach issues, and then she tends to be "obsessed" in going to the "bathroom" - and when I began to read on this, the elderly people especially if they are having some dementia issues, or Alzheimer's, they become "obsessed" with their bathroom habits... how much, how many times a day, and on and on - and when we finally thought all of it had been resolved, then she takes a medication the doctor gave her "if" she is constipated.... but if not then she does not need to take it.... but again, she did not understand, so then she began having "accidents"... and I told her Mom, you do not need to take that medication, if you are not having a problem going... it will cause you to have "accidents" if it is not necessary.... anyway, I also have told her over and over, and over again, if she will USE THE FIBER DAILY, she will NOT have issues with being constipated.... and then she will not need that medication..... Once I found out about the "fiber" that is now "clear" and is does not "thicken" up like the first ones that came out, or even the Gummies... I hate Gummires but if I take two of those in the morning and two at night... then I have no problems as far as my stomach, intestinal tract and so forth..,

So, then I wanted to get a new puppy. I've decided that even though it has not been that long since Tazzy passed away, I felt that both Bub's and I both would "feel better" and have something "positive" to look forward to and I just feel that it is a good thing for him and myself.. but I've been through the mill trying to "adopt"... I never had to give out so much information, and have all of these references, and on and on.... I've adopted several pups in my years, and even a few cats.. and of course they wanted to "know" some about me, but not like it is now.... and I "get" they must watch whom they have that adopts these animals, but I've had dogs now most all of my grown life, and cats... and I got Tazzy in Seattle for a Christmas present, and we purchased her, and I also purchased Bub"s as a puppy, so I've never had any issues when it came to adopting or buying a new pup....

So, in beetween trying to find time to go look at a puppy over in Waxahachie, and trying to take Bub's in for his shots, and nails clipped, and then I have about 50 houseplants I needed to "de-critter and bring in before the weather gets bad, and then having to take Mom for all of her stuff, and run errands... and you name it, put my own lawn mower back together, and went and bought a new gas can, since my neighbor never returned mine, and I guess I am too stupid to use the "new ordeal" types of gas holders, because I poured gas on my hands and so forth yesterday evening, just rying to put some in the mower to see if it will crank... I replaced the entire pulley mechanism, the air filter, the oil, and the spark plug, but I have heck trying to start it, because I no longer have enough strength in my arms to pull on it....

Well, I had also spent two weeks cleaning out my storage building and throwing stuff away that had been under the carport... and guess what? Do you think one neighbor would ask me if I needed help???? They even saw me this morning, regrettingly having to toss away some of my beautiful house plants, but ants have taken up around the roots, and the only thing to do is throw them away,,, and one of them was my very first "airplane" plant, the "Momma" plant, and out of it, I had between 50 to 70 plants, along with a couple of others.... so I bring my Palm in that doubled in size over the summer, and some of my other larger plants, I get them in, and then find ants in the bottoms of two of them outside.... so then I got paranoid, that these in here maybe have ants, and even after spraying them, and letting them stay out until they dry, I now am making to watch for signs of ants, because I certainly do not want those in my house....

My Chi-Weenie Bub's already has a very huge issue, with allergies, and sneezing, plus he stays "itchy" all the time... and sometimes snores... so I something he is allergic to and I surely don't want to make it worse by finding I have brought ants in the house...


I've had to miss twice being able to go see a new puppy due to running everywhere else, and now the weather was suppsed to get very bad, so I postponed Bub's Vet visit for today, and now dammit the weather seems fine and I could have taken him anyway... s that upsets me.... his nails are so long, and he will not allow anyone to touch his feet, last time I had to muzzle him, because he nipped at my Vet's assistant and I just hate having to put that thing on him,,,,,

Now my own Rheumatologist appt did not really turn out well... of all days, and I had been ill for weeks with a Flare before i went, and then finally the day arrives so I can go see him, and that is the one day, I am "feeling better" and my knuckes were not swollen as they have been, then he gives me a flu shot, and I will be damned if for the first time, the shot made me sick!!! I know they should not, but I came down running a fever, chills, feeling totally exhausted and weak for like 5 days after the shot.... I even asked my PCP and my Pharmacist if they have had others complain about it, and I know my Pharmacist said Yes, so I figure due to my autoimmune issues and all of the added stress, I may have had a "case" of the flu, and but I had a Lupus Flare, but until I had the vaccine for two weeks, they could not give me one at that moment, because it had only been a week, and it takes two for the vaccine to have its full effect... and if they had given me an injection and dosage pack then it may have made the flu vaccine less effective... so now it has been two weeks, and I still have the flare, but I feel like hell now and my fatigue is so bad, I don't even have enough strength to take myself to see my PCP...

Then there is the ordeal of finding a New "Medicare Advantage PLan"  especially for me... even though the "Obama" ordeal should have stopped the "Medi-gap" policies for "discriminating" against me because I am not 65 yet, they still do... and the one I found would cost me 700.00 A MONTH just to have a Medi-Gap" policy.

But, Untied Healthcare, Secure Horizons SUCK, SUCK, SUCK, AND MORE SUCK!!!! That was the worst mistake I made changing from Humana over to them last year.., they are liars, they are scammers, they drive myself and my Mom nuts with constant phone calls, mail and you name it.... wanting to have a "home visit" or "check my medications" and as I have told them, I DO NOT NEED a home visit, and my medications are fully understood, and I have no need for them to disrupt my life, and furthermore I AM TOTALLY PEEVED AT AARP!!!!! They should be ashamed of themselves for "sponoring" such a lousy, no  or even our Urgent Care.... it is insane.. so now I have to make that decision for both Mom and myself as to whom to go to and what type of a plan etc....

Then there is this entire ORDEAL about this "accident" that happened in March 26th 2014.. when my soon to be ex-husband as I had been told at first was accidentally "tapped" going into the Dallas area on I-45, and they spun the car out of control, Jim claims he remembers nothing, and now they are saying that "HE" initially hit the edge of the Tahoe on the back, and it went off the highway, but an 18 wheel tractor trailer who was behind Jim, was on his cell phone, and if he had not been, he would not have RAN OVER the car!!!! This had not been like 18 MONTHS ago and is still ongoing!!! Rather than "mediate" which is what we felt the whole time they would do, it appears they will go to trial, which means once again, my life turned upside down and right side out, and in all honesty, I do not even know WHY I am a part of this????? Jim left 4 months ago, and I found out, that he stands to get "double" the suit, if I AM NOT with him!!! Good reason to suddenly move back to Seattle, and me not know why.... after 13 years together, and 10 married, even with all of his issues now not able to walk, drive, and the list goes on and on, he all of a sudden gets a ticket, and flies back to Seattle.... So, later I learn that he gets "double" the money if I am not "his caretaker" anymore... and what about my CARETAKER????? I can't even get a neighbor to help me move something heavy, and now they act like I "ran him off" the ones next door will not speak, and he used to mow the lawn and help us out, the whole time Jim was here, the day Jim left, it is like I DO NOT EXIST!!!!!

Now, it appears this "could go to trial" which means a week or more going to Dallas everyday to a court, and honestly, I feel this has all been a "shaft" on my acct... he is getting the money, unlike what I was told in the beginning, even though it has caused me to LOSE all of my Teeth, have major complications with my Lupus and RA, the stress I am already under is bad enough, and my doctors continue to tell me if I don't get some "peace of mind" I may not survive a 3RD ONE!!!!!!

So, I am SICK AND TIRED OF ALL MY LIFE, TURNED UPSIDE DOWN... and I feel as if I am just a DOORMAT.... when I can "help" then everyone is after me... yet, when it comes to me needing help, everyone seems to "disappear".....

I feel like my time is so totally wrapped up in something else, or someone else, that I can't sit down to work on my blog, write my book and finish it, I feel like I've had to let myself get behind on my advocacy work - everything my life that "matters" to me, not just health wise, but my pup, and now after Tazzy passing away, Bub's and I feel all alone, and I can tell he is continuing to miss her terribly... but because of other "stuff", I could not even shake loose long enough to go look at a pup for adoption, and had the chance today, yet the weather says we are supposed to have 100% thunderstorms, lightening, flash floods, and is could even hail... well, I can't run over to Waxahachie, not knowing whether the weather might turn horrible within moments... it just now began to sprinkle here, and I could have went and took Bub's for his shots and his nails cut, but it appeared as if that weather would be here about the time I needed to go to the Vet... and alas I could have gone, never fails... so now that is postponed, and I had to postpone going to Waxahachie, as I said I certainly can't take a chance into getting into a flash flood, or powerful thunderstorm, or some idiot running over me.. which happens quite frequently on 287 when the roads are DRY, much less any rain on them....

Then it is my own health issues, lots I have "left undone" simply because I have to get my Mom feeling better, and make sure she is not having some really terrible kidney issues, or something going on now with that valve in her heart.... those things are terribly important.... yet, my life, my home, my car, my Bub's, me.... all of that is also crucial, if I a not WELL, whether emotionally, physically, or mentally, then I am certainly no good to anyone else...

It always takes me back to the "spoon theory"..... I ONLY HAVE so many "spoons" a day and it gets to the place, that I feel as if I have "less" each day.

So, when I have, let's say 10 spoons - and to do my laundry, take out the trash, put a chicken on to cook in my Crockpot, bake a cake, and try to deal with just getting a "few" of my houseplants in before the cold hits.... that is already over 5 spoons, and if I take a shower, than that uses at least 2 to 3 spoons, depending on it I have to dress to go out to town, run errands, and so on.... by the time I "fix" Bub's and I dinner, make sure all is well, locked up, and even try to get online enough to write either here, on FB, my blog then I have already "borrowed" spoons from the next day....

And if I am already not well, especially dealing with a Lupus Migraine and a flare, then that strips me of 4 spoons or more before anything else begins in a day.... then errands, medications, taking Mom to the store, or to do labs, or to shop, or having to go and pick up 5 or 6 gallons of drinking water... we refuse now to drink our tap water, or if there are bills to pay, or I have medications to pick up, and I've used DOZENS of SPOONS way too far in advance, trying to upstop my sewer line, completely redo the wiring in a big lamp... I have a ceiling fan, and I need to get it up in my living room, then I find that I don't have just ONE broken window that has been "broken" and held together with duct tape and cardboard now for months, due to it hailing, I also found another broken one yesterday in my bedroom and I have no clue to even why it is cracked all the way across it side to side.... plus in that spare bedroom where the other one is, I have another one that someone tried to "repair" by caulking up the hole in it, but all of those 4 or 5 windows back there are so brittle, and they are so loose, because all of the sealant has fallen away or had gotten so brittle, that they ALL need to be replaced or at least replace the two that are broken and then pin and glaze the others... and I have the push pins and glaze, but guess what??? I know how, but cannot find the time to do it, nor can I find the time to pain my house.... which I wanted to do before the colder winter came in, I have two gallons of brand new outside white paint, and I have already had them back once to be shaken so I could begin painting, but of course there is always something that takes me away from what I feel I need to be doing... all are important and yes, I could "hire" someone to put in the ceiling fan, and replace the windows, but on the monthly check I receive from my Social Security, there is no way, I can afford to have people hired to come to do it.... and as I said, above, as many times as I have done things for others, out of the kindness of my heart, you think anyone standing in these yards around me, will offer to help??? NOT ONE!!!!

I have to wonder where I went so wrong, that I feel I am totally being punished, and I have no clue as to why.....

As someone told me not long ago, "You are TOO nice"! Start saying NO to some of this stuff... if it is going to cause me to lose out on time I need to spend doing things that are important for myself, Bub's and my home, then there needs to be a moment to stop and say, hey, I would love to, but I am just too far behind, and I am too overwhelmed as it is, so I have to decline.... but I find it difficult to do that....

Dowes this have anything to do with autoimmune illnesses, Lupus, RA, Sjogren's, Invisible Illnesses, Chronic Pain, Chronic Fatigue, medications and so forth YES!!!!! Yes it has all to do with them... I am no longer able to DO it ALL! BUT WHERE DO YOU FIND A PLACE TO FINALLY SAY NO!.... THERE IS WHERE I AM AT A LOSS...

Fed Up, Tired, of Struggling, Hardships, Chronic Illnesses, Tests, Autoimmune illnesses, broken relationships, and feeling "broken"... where and when does all the HORROR end?!

I am just so OVERWHELMED with so many ridiculous "hoops" I am having to "jump" through between doctors, other health facilities, tests, labs, insurance, pharmacies, good Lord, I cannot even think of a word to describe the freaking NIGHTMARE I've been having to put up with over these past weeks. May=ny of you already knew about the "lumP on my left upper front thigh, and the 3 WEEKS (well in all 21 DAYS) of not just ONE, but TWO extremely powerful antibiotics... Bactrim and then Rifampin which is used for a "cocktail" of meds for people with TB (Tuberculosis).... in fact my pharmacy did not even have it, and had to order it for me. I was on those two at the same time, 3 different times, 7 days each. The "lump" was about the size of a silver dollar, maybe a bit larger, and had already been on my thigh about 10 days before I began to feel like I needed to have it looked at. My PCP of course thought it was cellulitis. It never "erupted" on top of the skin, like some of these things do. It continued to remain "under the skin" but in a large lump, that at first was sort of soft. At first the antibiotics seemed to "shrink" it down. So, I was relieved. I am also facing LUMBAR/SACRAL one level back surgery, which NEEDS to be done BEFORE the end of the year. I am so FED UP WITH AARP UNITED HEALTH CARE - MEDICARE ADVANTAGE PLAN - SECURE HORIZONS!!! that I could ring all of their necks. They "arbitrarily" after me researching them for MONTHS, with online searches, phone calls not just to them, but also to MY own doctors, looking up my meds and so forth, ALL seemed to TAKE this insurance. Well, I still am not sure how they got by with it, but somehow AFTER January 1st when you cannot ANY longer change until the following year... they "got rid" of many of the providers... many of them DOCTORS that are right here in my county, which is why they should COVER THEM! They DO NOT EVEN cover ANY HOSPITAL other than me having to go 40 miles plus up to the Dallas area. I had Humana for several years, and had some problems with them, SO I decided that this stupid plan which is ENDORSED BY AARP - would be better - NOT!!!! They don't even know when you CALL them if "a doctor" is on the plan or not. In fact in my search for a General SURGEON to remove this lump ASAP, I called two of them, and even their own offices were NOT SURE whether they "were or were not" "in netowrk" providers!! HOw the HELL they can get by with this is beyond ME... but you can bet, Humana "was" and appears to still be FAR BETTER than UNITED HEALTH CARE, AND I INTEND ON TELLING AARP, and United Health OFF, as I get rid of them for 2016! I have had to PAY out of MY OWN POCKET to KEEP my Rheumatologist! I NEED a damned Chest Xray, due to the stupid blood work for the TB test not being done in time. thus the test came back "indecisive", thus before I CAN BE PUT ON XELJANZ I HAVE TO HAVE THE X-RAY AND NO ONE here locally can do it under the insurance! So, I again have to PAY OUT OF POCKET FOR A CHEST XRAY - Our Urgent Care Center does not even take the insurance... talk about BAD! So, I did find out they would do the Xray for me for 80.00! Which is still high, but it would be more at our hospital etc... so I go over there yesterday (I should have had this done weeks ago) but due to the cellulitis, the issues with my own back, doctor visits, and so forth, then my Mom's come to find out not a hip, but also a lumbar spine problem, then I got sick from the antibiotics and turned around and then got a stomach virus... and then my Mom's sister passed away after battling stomach cancer for several years... SO yesterday after my echocardiogram - I went across town to Urgent Care. THEy DID HAVE the "order" for that X-ray, because I had called them a few weeks back to make sure... but the woman there who was NOT HELPFUL what so ever 0 swore the "order" from my Rheumy was NOT there... SO I go and call them, give the the "fax number" she gave me, and it was WRONG! She told me the number for the phone and not the fax, then blamed me!! By now I was LIVID, tired, already upset enough, hurting, between everything else, and now I have been in fear to take my Orencia, even though I have a brand new batch of it, due to the cellulitis I feared taking it! So, even before that, my RA has grown much WORSE especially in both hands. My knuckles stay swollen and you can see the swelling even between my fingers on my hands... it first was my right hand, but now BOTH of them are terribly bad. My grip is getting so weak, I can't open things, and I am just having hell with both hands... SO they finally get the right FAX Number, and they fax the order over, BUT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR ONE VIEW, and the order was for TWO! So, that meant I had to pay 160.00!!! rather than 80! Well, I knew since this was strictly to rule the blood work was "wrong"... so 1 view was enough, BUT they had to have the Order from the doctor stating 1 view BEFORE THEY COULD do the Xray! SO, I finally GAVE UP, came home, sent my RHEUMY AN EMAIL telling them my dilemma and they were supposed to resend the order for 1 view!!! BUT by then, I had gone to the store, the fire ants are now eating us alive after the bit of rain, so I needed poison for them, and needed to see my Mom... so I decided to wait and tomorrow I will go back for the Chest Xray! Of course that is ONLY a portion of this entire ORDEAL.. My Mom I take next Tuesday for the EPI's the steroid injections for her back, and that is in Dallas. FINALLY, after hours online and on the phone I FOUND A SURGEON IN THE TOWN OVER about 15 miles or less away that WILL TAKE MY INSURANCE AND IF I NEED THE PROCEDURE DONE AS AN OUTPATIENT, I found out at least our Outpatient Surgery Center here in Town DOES take my insurance and he does do procedures there... but HE CAN'T SEE ME UNTIL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY! Now this lump has turned into a much harder lump, plus it now is tender to touch. It has also grown "taller" and is much more noticeable when you look down at my leg. Not only that, but the "2nd" one, a much smaller one that came up about 3 weeks ago or so, but on my right upper thigh, almost straight across from the 1st one "seems" to be getting a bit larger. It still is only about the size of a dime, but I can tell, maybe it is just me, but it is almost feeling as if it is growing "outward" where it can be seen more. I had bumped the large one accidentally on a chair I think on Monday. It hurt like hell, and now I am not sure if it is because I hit it, OR what is happening, but now for the 1st time it is "red" at the surface of my skin, almost as if it may try to come outward, rather than stay underneath the skin as it has now for all this time. I've been keeping a close eye on it, and been making sure I watch for more signs of infection, like it feeling like it is "hot" to the touch, or that I am not having signs of running a fever... I guess that is why I am a bit upset that I have to wait until a week from Friday to see the surgeon... if this thing does become infected, and does try and "open up" on top of the skin, with my already compromised immune system issues, that would not be a good thing. That was the one good thing when I was on the antibiotics, it nor I showed any outward signs of having an infection, such as fever, chills, and so forth. But, earlier, I had been outside this morning, and even cut a few limbs off one of my trees, then did some arranging of things in my regular freezer, and moved some stuff to my deep freeze.. I had bought some "extra" stuff for the freezer and needed to clean out stuff that was too old, and then put some of this new food into the deep freeze... and I did. I even had some chicken pieces that I decided I really needed to cook, since they had been in the deep freezer for a while. So, I took all of them, put those in my slow cooker, and decided to make some chicken pulled bar-be-que. Then I can freeze that, and have it later... especially when the fall and winter come... and suddenly as I did that, I came down with a horrible headache, and I had one last night out of the blue, when I was going to sit down and watch a movie. I had to finally lie down, after taking some meds, and it went away in the night. But, suddenly it hit me again, and I began to feel nauseated which sometimes I do, especially if I have a bad headache... before I could even take some meds, and try to sit down for a bit on the sofa, I had to run to the bathroom and was sick to my stomach - and what made that really odd, for one, I had not really had much of anything to eat, even last night. I ate some fresh fruit I had cut up, and was not really hungry, so I later had a bit of sugar free Sherbert... so I just can't believe I got that sick, and I really did not have that much in my stomach... but I did, and of course it scares the HELL out of me to throw up.. I am always terrified to do so and will do just about anything to try and not... but even as I tried to sit on the sofa, it was too late, and I wound up being sick after all.... so I went took medications for my headache and some Promethizine to hopefully get my stomach settled down... and it did for now... I was writing this and had some of it done, then I got a bit upset over EVERYTHING going on, and I have not even said that there are several other things I need to either help my Mom with OR I need to get done, this week hopefully, so being BACK on the SOFA having a sick stomach and a headache is NOT what I needed this morning... The state has changed the laws about how we now "inspect and register" our vehicles... it used to be they were separate... now since May 2015, they have changed to you have to have your inspection, it has to be "current" and in the computer system, and then they will register your vehicle... well so happens mine is good till next May or so... but Mom's both inspection & registration are due... so I can't "register" her car, until I take it to be inspected... which is fine, but it is now a bit more red tape even though it is supposed to be "easier"... not really for us the driver's though, we still have to have both, but now we will have 1 sticker, rather than 2, one for each... anyway, I need to do that this week... plus I needed to go pick up a few things at Wally World, the Fire Ants have now just about taken over my yard back and front dammit... I had them completely gone... but after that rain we had last week, and I have not put the complete broadcast killer out since early Spring... as I do, but I did it so early, now it's not doing the job, so for now I am having to just put out the killer on the individuals beds. But, dammit, yesterday evening, (I ran out of the fire ant killer also) but bought some, and went around to my back yard, and there under one of my trees over my where the neighbors took down a building and they are building a new "monstrousity" for a stupid garage, which is bigger than my house... anyway, a HUGE bed was completely surrounding this tree... I bet it was 15 feet around, and no telling HOW DEEP... I know we had one by the same neighbors lawn (HE NEVER FREAKING does anything to get rid of them on his side) up at the front, and it was about 4 feet or more deep when I finally put out the poison for them, killed it off mostly, but then took a hoe and dug down and there is still almost an indention there where the bed of Fire Ants had been.... Plus he always mowed my lawn, when Jim would not... well hell since Jim left all of a sudden they barely even speak to me, and now he almost ignores me... and my front lawn needs mowing, but he also pulled the rope and broke it on my mower, so I have to fix it or get it fixed... and I paid him... anyway, I may have to pay someone else... because when the lawn gets a big tall, those damned fire ants build those nests within a night's time and "hide" in the taller grass. So, keeping it mowed down also helps to see the beds and also keep them from building them so much.... anyway, then I have to go BACK and hopefully get that damned chest x-ray done also tomorrow.... and Mom's Birthday is Friday... she will be 80 years old... and I so wanted to take her to the Casino at least for the day, and maybe spend one night... we have free rooms, and free buffet's... Anyway, I am just FED UP with everything seeming to go wrong, no matter how hard I try... nothing ever seems to come "easy" for me.... I have struggled in one way or the other throughout my entire life... either due to health, or "bad" relationships. or "crappy jealous bosses".... it just seems nothing is NOT complicated in my life... I keep trying to "have faith" and have hope... but here I am 55 years old and I feel like I have FAILED everything and everyone in my life... nothing I do ever seems good enough, and I am just freaking sick and tired of it all... every day there is a struggle, with health, doctors, meds, pharmacies, insurance, tests, no matter what, it just refuses to be "easy".... I feel cursed, or as if I've done something horrible and I feel punished and don't even know why..... Chronic Pain, Chronic Illnesses... they are horrible enough... but when you feel every damned thing in life seems to be like hellish and half an acre to get anything accomplished... and there are those the wonder why some people "give up"!!! Hell everyone has a breaking point, a point to where they cannot take anymore... and if you had to walk in my shoes for a week... you would know why, I am so fed up.....



After reading the "comment" made by a woman I knew nothing about, and thinking about it, I decided to "delete" her comment. Honestly, it had NOTHING to do with my post, she has NO profile or anything on "Google" to allow me to know a thing about her. I did answer her comment and I am going to leave up my answer under comments for now. I think if she would have left out about her "contact" information I may have allowed the post... but "spell casting" is really nothing to discuss on my blog... other than the past very early "history" I posted about my very limited knowledge on that type of subject, I felt it was not an appropriate response for my blog. I hope I don't offend anyone for removing it, I just felt it did not belong here....

Always Looking for the Sunny Days even though the Cloudiness and Fog hang Around... dealing with symptoms...

Okay, well I've missed out a couple of days dammit with this stomach mess. Not sure what is gong on. But, I do KNOW I am SICK of it! I am a bit better today so far. I've tried to not drink or eat anything I think might be causing it so badly. The vertigo just has to run its course usually then gets better. What I am concerned about, is why this time it is so bad, and why the meds I take for it are not calming it down as usual. I am still doing some research myself and I am sure since I am honestly WAY OVER DUE for A scope to check out my esophagus and stomach, that will probably be where I am headed. I know I have Barrett's Esophagus. I really should have had it scoped again over a year or more ago. But, with everything else, I keep having to postpone it. Now with all of the problems I have, I am concerned if the dysplasia, where my actual stomach lining grows out of the stomach and into the bottom part of the esophagus, and can cause cancer. But, I just dread any other "surgeries" etc> I am so literally sick of doctors, medications, insurance, pharmacies, no one can get their crap together. I've had an ulcer before thus one of the reasons I am on Nexium, plus of course GERD. but even the Meclazine I take for nausea and the motion vertigo. It just seems what ever is going on, still to me is totally separate from the Lupus, Sjogrens and RA. One good piece of news! MY ORENCIA FINALLY CAME IN today! After being off of it for at least three weeks, I feel may have some to do with how I've felt this past couple of weeks. When you begin to research Lupus, Sjogren's, RA, FM, ME CFS. and any and all of the other AI illnesses from MS to Diabetes 1, there can be a million symptoms, all of them similar, and they may or may not have to do with the autoimmune illnesses. Of course the problem I can already tell from that is patients (meaning us) and our doctors, whether PCP, Rheumatologists, or other specialists, tend to get "lackadaisy" and "automatically" no pun intended blame it on Lupus, RA, and so forth. So, each time a new "symptom" arises, all too often I feel it is kind of "'blown off" as to whether there is something "new" causing the new symptoms, or is it indeed the AI's. I realize that is is very difficult, and in some cases probably almost impossible to defer one from the other. Even with many types of tests, lab work, studies, and so on, still there may not be an "answer" other than due to one of the AI. That is scary though. What if, and I am just "saying" what if myself, or anyone with stomach issues and the nausea, vertigo and so forth left it unchecked, and went on either with the doctor knowing or just figuring on our own, it was "just the AI" and more symptoms, and it was something worse? What if it were stomach cancer, or some type of other cancer such as leukemia, or the GERD had really done a number on my esophagus and that dysplasia is much worse than it was. Or what if it is yet another autoimmune illness, or any number of other chronic diseases that can start out with the exact same types of symptoms. So, even though none of us want to jump the gun per se', running off to our doctors each time one little thing pops up or changes, plus we are all in the place that, oh well, they will blame it on the Lupus anyway, yet something else that may need other treatment, surgery etc done. A great for instance was my double hernia's early last year. I was told by three different doctors those "lumps" were nothing to be concerned about, and they more than likely were not hernia's. Then I still feel uneasy, so I go to a surgeon, who sure enough says right off it is not just one hernia, but I had two... one on each side...So, had I listened to those first 2 or 3 medical doctors who just seemed to not want to really find out for sure, they blew me off. Then I do find out I have hernia's just as I had suspected all along. We for the most part, have a "gut" feeling, again no pun intended, about our bodies. For those of us with chronic illnesses, we especially tend to watch out like a hawk for any type of new symptom, or something that seems to be "off" and not quite right. Yet, often times I know for myself, I go into the physician's office, and I just feel like if I am going to get the same old answer, it is the "Lupus", "RA" etc... then why... and if it isn't or they feel it may not be, then here goes the 50 "shades of Testing" that runs up expenses, and takes away our precious time. Even with many new tests, there still may not be any "one" answer, if one at all. I have found that even with the double vision, that started so suddenly out of no where, and has gotten to where I have it all the time, unless I wear my corrective glasses with the prisms in them, I have constant double vision. Some of you may recall the entire ordeal I went through for at least 6 to 9 months or more. I saw 2 or 3 different eye specialists, a couple of different neurologists, my Rheumy, my PCP, and in between I am sure probably someone else. I also went through exam after exam, test after test, loads of blood work and even a "biopsy" on my temporal artery. The specialist felt I had temporal arteritis, and it did make sense. But, the very treatment for it was something I was already taking, just not in as high of a dose as they use on that illness. So, I also found out the biopsy comes back all too often "inconclusive" thus I may have had it, but they didn't really get the exact YES, but it was not "negative" either. It took months and months, a couple of different pair of glasses, and just all kinds of neurological testing. One of the Neurologists said he felt I had Myasthenia Gravis which is another autoimmune disorder, and that will cause the symptoms I had and also explain where and why they were showing up at that time. Yet, still there is no one exact science about Myasthenia Gravis either. Just like MS, which I could have also, still there is one test that they can do, and again it is not always "exact"... It might be negative, and I still have MS, or I may show up positive, and be negative in reality. So, as we hold hands, together one next to the other, remember for one, you are never alone... there is someone out here, that can empathize with you, and totally understands because they are also experiencing some of the same things, whether it be illnesses, or any other number of other explanations. You can bet money on that there are one or usually many more of us with the same situation. Gosh, I can count on my hands, toes, 50 times over at the number of people who have been down almost the same road as I and the rest of us have. I've managed to feel "well enough" today to get some cleaning done, baked a lemon pound cake, did some other cleaning here there and yonder, vacuumed, and even colored my hair (of which I am not thrilled, it is way much darker than the last time I did it with the red).... but I also know it will fade out pretty quickly, and then won't be so very deep red... the color I used before came from Avon, and they quit making the product line! Plus I didn't keep the number or part of the box so I could try and match it up and I picked what I thought would be close, but it is still much deeper reddish/almost maroon than I expected.... so I hope maybe, my stomach is settling down, along with the stupid headache. I need to run errands and get to the market tomorrow, so I need all of the "wellness" I can get hold of for tomorrow. It will be one of those busy days. Anytime I head to the market and have a "list"... a long list, and then coupons, that means a longer trip that runs into hours if I have lots to stock up on and to use coupons on....