Fed Up With Pharmacists, Doctor's, Lupus, Medications and Fed up with too many side effects! Loving Fishing, and Better Weather

Was out at the lake yesterday, but the wind picked up the wrong direction and I had to come home. I can't stand in the sun due to the Lupus and meds etc... and I HOPE I finally have some sunblock for my FACE that DOES not cause breakouts. I FINALLY ALSO GOT HUMANA AFTER 4 WEEKS OVERDUE OF MY RA MEDICATION BACK ON TRACK! THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO DELIVER IT TUESDAY! I hope so, my fingers, THUMBS ARE THE WORST, WRISTS, ANKLES, EVERYTHING IS SO STIFF, HURTS, I COULD NOT EVEN BUTTON OR UNBUTTON MY JEANS OR ANYTHING THESE PAST FEW DAYS... 

I can't cut up fruit, and even trying to be out yesterday cutting a few tree branches down for the trash, I accidentally hit one of the branches on my leg, and it was just a little nick, and it bled everywhere. I had to come in and I already have spots on that foot and ankle where mosquito's bit me and it itched so badly, I've got a rash where I scratched it in the night... So I've had to bandage up my foot so much it looks like I cut off half my foot!!! And it's just a few scratches mainly, but if I don't the pups want to lick it, and then I was outside this morning, weed eating and spraying the weeds in the back, raking up and so forth. So, I fear infection so badly. Ever since the incident on both thighs where I had the cellulitis, that turned into "holes" in my legs, and I still have terrible scars, that although I went to the wound care people for 6 weeks in Dallas, they still never really healed where they covered over and look nice. I am almost embarrassed. Between those, the cuts on my knees from the replacements, and now for some reason, I have "spider" veins so badly in my ankles they look horrible!!! And it is so odd, I never had any problems, then about a year ago or more, 

I began getting them all over both ankles. I don't know if me spraining them so badly, that Sunday of Mom's funeral, and I had already sprained the right one twice before, if they "broke" those vessels that badly or what, but they are so ugly. I've asked the doctors and they told me that insurance probably would not pay for it. But, they also tend to "seep" under the skin, so at times those ankles where the spider veins are so bad will "weep" and cause my ankles to swell. I know they have new treatments now. They used to put saline through them, and they said it hurts like hell. But, now I think they can "laser" them... I am thinking about going back to the foot specialist I saw with my ankles being so badly sprained they would not quit hurting. Plus the right one would swell so much, I could not walk on it. He put an injection of corticosteroids in it, and that really helped to stop the swelling and pain. But, the spider veins make my ankles look like I am an old, old lady! I guess though after all of the surgeries and scars from them, I get to where I don't care if people think they look bad or not! I refuse to COVER UP and burn up and not wear shorts, when it's hot! 

Anyway, been a busy week, and I've been busy every day doing something. I still have not done  that stupid lab work, but it has to be fasting, and I get up so early, I can't go for hours without my coffee or tea... last time I ate breakfast early, then went for 8 hours without food and then went in that afternoon for the blood work, rather then trying to go in at 8AM. And I got kind of peeved at my Cardiologist last week. ^ months ago when I was there, we talked about putting in a pacemaker, due to my heart rate being so slow especially at night. It will be at 43 beats or less at times, and she suggested since I take the medication for the "extra beat" I have she could do the pacemaker. But, of course once it's there it is forever. So, this time she talked about sending me to a "heart rythym" specialist. She said he could possibly try a "different medication" or decide whether to do the pacemaker.. Well I said, 1st of all, I am taking too many meds as it is and I am just about ready to throw them all out the window and use "natural" supplements, because each time we try a new medication, I have problems from it. Then she admitted she DID NOT do the "medications" this specialist does "because there are so many side effects"... so I said well then, "if" I decide I am "bothered" too much by the arrythymia THEN she could DO THE PACEMAKER AS WE ALREADY TALKED ABOUT! She was the one who just told me 6 months ago,, the pacemaker was the simplest way to "correct" the slow heart rate!!!!! So, WHY WOULD I GO TO YET ANOTHER SPECIALIST, THAT FIRST OF ALL UNLESS IT'S LIFE OR DEATH, I AM NOT TAKING ANY NEW MEDICATIONS!!! I am FED UP WITH THEM, AND ALL OF THE SIDE EFFECTS THEY CAUSE!!! 2ND OF ALL, she can do the pacemaker right here in my hometown, as a day surgery, and I can go home in a few hours. I DO NOT NEED OR WANT YET ANOTHER "SPECIALIST" THAT I HAVE TO GO TO DALLAS AND TRAVEL TO SEE! It's bad enough with the Rheumy, Pain doctor, and the Orthopedic surgeon, without adding to the list!!!!!

RA, Lupus, Chronic Pain - the Complexities of Living With an Autoimmune Illness and/or Chronic Illness - How Do you Live with the all too often feelings of "guilt" of not fulfilling your destinies...

As you can see the very "title" of this post is complicated, to say the least. As I've had to succumb over the past almost 3 weeks of cellulitis, strong antibiotics that totally messed my entire digestive tract up, to the addition of a "stomach bug" that is going around here locally, I find myself full again of guilt, of shame, of feeling as if I am letting my obligations down as an advocate, a "voice" for others, of my own writing, my blog, my Mom, and everything else that I've had to "put on hold" due to once again the "arrows" of dealing being chronically ill.

There is NO EASY part to being ill with some disease that is so often "invisible", that drags you down within a few moments totally catching you off guard. One moment I maybe feeling great and within hours I can be immersed in sickness, more medications, doctors visits, and so forth that drive me to the sofa, rather than here online, or out and about doing all of the other things that are SO crucial to me in life.

I cannot even begin to count the numerous times that I have the sinking feeling of "letting these diseases" rule and ruin my life. Being ill with something such as an autoimmune disease(s), you feel as if those totally reign over and above any and all plans, decisions, and destiny that you have for your life. They control the very essence of daily living. From whether I feel like going to do shopping and errands, take my Mom out, or to a doctor's appointment, washing my car, cleaning my home, taking care of ALL the things like my flowers, my lawn, having the energy to even re-pot a plant, or give the pups a bath... sometimes just giving "me" a shower can be overwhelming.

No one ever gave us 150% PROOF from the moment we take that first breath that life will always be filled and fulfilling... and that we will live and love without illness, with out difficulties in life, and sometimes the "hopes and dreams" we have had turn into a totally different way of being, that we ever expected. I have not done a "real investigation" but I would bet the number of relationships that "withstand" the all too often complicated life of living with someone chronically ill, that remain SIDE BY SIDE together... is quite low. I am most assured, as with cancer patients, sometimes a spouse, or dear friend, even a family member can reach a place they just can't cope with all of the complex nature of constant doctors, meds, surgeries, procedures, sudden illness... is can certainly be like the "elephant" in a 12 by 12 foot square room, quite OVERWHELMING...

I sometimes see the frustration even in my physicians faces, when I come in with something that is so complicated and complex, they themselves may not be sure what step to take next.

I am not one to "gripe", "Whine", complain, or even remotely think the "my medical issues" are "worse" than other people's... Pain and/or Chronic Illnesses mean different levels of frustration than others. I have had so many people tell me first of all that I am the "strongest" person (emotionally and mentally) they have ever seen... yet, honestly I don't feel that way. What I try to do, if at all possible, is to put "my feet" in that other persons shoes... if you can remotely imagine what someone else is going through, all too often, it makes your health issues seem small  - and I am NOT discounting that yes, I am have several very serious health problems, and have been through some extremely difficult and serious surgeries, procedures, medications and at times any and all of us, including my own physicians, maybe puzzled and perplexed about certain things that happen to me as far as on a medical level. "Who woulda thunk it"? that I would come down with "cellulitis".... and in fact, we "think" - my PCP and myself, that I had a case of shingles about 7 weeks ago or so... they had cleared up by the time I saw my doctor, but the small scars were still there, lined up almost in a row after row inside of my right knee, and when I explained what they had been like, he said that it more than likely had to be shingles... nothing else as far as some type of a rash would have came up in that kind of specific "pattern" as they did... and I have this uncanny "act" of I will be on a medication for one thing, and it so happens, I may come down with something totally unrelated, yet the medication I am on, will help that also. The "shingles" were that way... I had asked my PCP to be put on a daily dose of Valtrex. Since I started the journey with Lupus... I constantly am fighting fever blisters... not so much now in my mouth, but the corners of my mouth were almost a constant bright pinkish, with a bit of blistering it in. He would give me a "high dose" for 2 days, it would clear up, and then a few days later come back... well I had not even taken the "daily doses" but possibly a day, and all of a sudden here comes this "rash"... well the Valtrex would be exactly what he would have given me for the shingles... thus there you have it...

I am really down and out though since all of the illness, back stuff, Mom's back, and so forth, have kept me from writing here on my blog as much, have slowed once again my completing of my 3rd book to a snail's pace... and have just "thrown me" for a loop when it comes to ALL of the things I truly NEED to be doing... but as my Mom and I both said earlier this morning... it ALL happens for a REASON... so there must be at least a "billion" reasons that I get thrown off course, and my sails catch a wind into foreign waters, all too often.