How do you Hide the Scars, External and Internal, fight the fears of Showing What Life, Love & Illness has done to you

 It's been a while since I've been able to think about what I needed to say here. After my last what I thought was the Love of my life, walked out and the "checked out" leaving me here to wonder why; to pick up the pieces of my own broken heart, soul, and try to face the fear of even leaving my house to allow anyone to see "me" like this.

I've been "broken" before.... by illness, by others walking out without reason, for trying to survive. So many call me "brave", a survivor. Yet, they don't see the scars, on my body, but worse those on my heart, soul and mind. These days the fear fueled by not only my own illnesses that more than once damned near killed me, but then COVID-19 ONLY FUELED that reasoning for hiding, for staying at home, for hiding behind the mask literally. I am much to scared and scarred to allow anyone in again.

 I am too frightened of what someone may do if they see what the heck I truly look like now. So many surgeries, scars from the past and now even present.  But, moreover the internal pain, fear, and scars that are deep seeded in my mind. What I SEE when I gaze into the mirror, what shadow of a slight person looks back at me. Just when one thing seems to get better, suddenly something else appears. All too often doctors can't explain what I have. They can't give me a reason or rhyme for what suddenly appears out of the black ink darkness of chronic illnesses. They don't know, often WE as patients know more about why, what, and how we find ourselves ill with something else 

So much of me can be explained by music, by lyrics, my about the only thing that motivates me anymore.  I know I am NOT alone. So MANY of us from all over the USA and the world suffer, are driven to so many doctors, medications and yet we find no answers. Only more questions. 

As Keith Urban's Lyrics, "What if I Fall, What if I Cry, And if I get scared, and WHO is my "Fighter"... nowadays my only "Fighter" is myself. 

A Few pics of me Signifigant especially to me but hopefully an inspiration to others also

I never thought I would ever see the day, I could fit in these jeans again. I have had them for more years than I care to tell, something like 20 at least - and after I was diagnosed with Lupus, RA, Sjogrens, had all of the surgeries, and then the pain pump put in my right side, I honestly never thought I would be able to wear these, or any waist line high type of jeans... thank goodness I have always been a huge fan of low rise jeans, they fit under the pump... but recently I lost some weight and decided to drag these out of the back closet, wash them and give them a try! And Ta-DA! By heck they fit!!!!!

So, for me this was a Kodak Moment... after going through the weigh issues after medications, surgeries, and I would take some of it off, then have surgery again, could not exercise etc.... or would have to be on high doses of corticosteroids for a flare, and here would come the weight on again.. I have been able for the most part to keep it to a decent level, but it was still depressing for one, to have issues that you have no control over that cause weight gain, loss of teeth, hair thinning, skin discoloration, not including the scars from many surgeries, knee replacements, shoulder replacement, the pain pump incision and also it sticking out from my right side.. so this was a moment for me, that made my day, week, month and part of the year!

I SHARE these with you... in a two part scenario, for me, for one, so I can see that I can still have some what of a decent figure, even though all I have endured... and then of course with my age, etc that contributes to some weight issues, plus I had battled my weight all my entire life after being an overweight teenager... So I made these this morning, for a 2nd part to INSPIRE ALL OF YOU TO KNOW  YES there are times we look and feel like HELL! But then there are times like today for me, THAT I WAS ELATED TO KNOW that I could still put these on, and love the way they looked on me ) So remember to record these types of milestones in your own life... and share them to inspire others...