Stressing Out, Trying to Cope, with surgeries,health,family,doctors, and trying to "get over" all that I cannot "fix".... Weather,Chronic Pain,RA,Doctors,Hip surgery & Life

For some reason (and I know partially some of the reasons) I am just in such an odd, feeling like I am just totally forgotten about, crappy mood that I've been trying to "shake" now for a week or more. I know the weather does not help, this HOT one moment, and in a few hours, COLD, dreary, and you need a coat on, and then that makes my entire body almost have this deep ache, especially in my joints. Even the entire leg from the hip all the way to my foot, has an ache to it... and it was not like that right after the surgeries. In fact after it was repaired, I did not have a HUGE amount of pain, but enough I had to take medication to do my PT, etc... 

But now, even again this morning, I woke up to a horrid headache, that then made me sick to my stomach, and I knew better than to drink any coffee if my stomach is nauseated... that just makes it worse. So, I made a cup of hot tea instead and that seemed to help calm my stomach and I took my nausea meds also. then of course although it was sunny yesterday, with the wind it was still really to COOL to do much outside.. So, wake up this morning to not rain yet, but now it has clouded over, and we have a pretty good have of rain or even thunderstorms later this evening, in to tomorrow and maybe rain on Tuesday also. Plus the ordeal with my Surgeons' office Friday left me pissed... I wanted to make sure I had seen him BEFORE going to my Rheumatologist, so I would have the latest X=ray and know how the hip is healing etc. Plus I have a bit of a purple spot, and have had some what I figure is "nerve pain" down that entire leg, but more than likely that is from my back. 

It is still annoying because I get home to find out they rescheduled my appt for the SAME DAY AS MY RHEUMATOLOGIST IN DALLAS!!!! Well, of course that won't work, so now I have to get them to hopefully schedule it BEFORE I go to my Rheumy. because we want to try new medication the RA is getting so much worse, especially in my thumbs, fingers and wrists. My right hand has swollen spots on it almost all the time now or especially if I do lots of things using my hands... from cutting small branches, to washing my car, even driving makes my thumbs and fingers (the 2 next to my thumb) "go to sleep" or be numb. It is annoying plus that tells me the RA is progressing, which is the last thing I need to happen. I've been trying to keep as busy as possible doing cleaning, throwing away stuff that needs to go, taking care of all of my plants, ready to put them outside as soon as I can... a couple of them HATE being inside during the winter and will look like they are going to die while inside.

 I even put my cool mist humidifier in the room and run it several hours a day. Anyway, I have PLENTY to do that can keep me busy, just going through, and as I said throwing away old things, or getting rid of stuff I know I will never use. I keep lots of things (a few certain things not like a hoarder) LOL that I feel may come in handy later. Sure enough there are many times, something comes up and I need a certain thing, then I recall, I put something away,, that may work, and I don't have to buy anything, or run out to the store, etc. But, there are also things I hang onto knowing fully well, they just need to be trashed. I even do that with coupons now. I cut out what I need and throw away the rest. I had been taking them to the girls at Wal-greens, but so many of them are gone, or they may not have small babies that need certain items that I have coupons for etc. I also pitched a couple pair of old sandals. I had been just using them around in the yard during the hot months, but I had basically "glued" them one or twice, the stone kept falling out of another pair, that we worn out, and stuff like "half-slips" OMG I cannot recall the last time I needed any type of "slip" under clothing - Women's clothes are different or they have a liner in them thus no need for a slip etc. And I had a billion samples of all kinds of shampoo, and those types of things, that I had accumulated over 5 or 6 years, and some of it, was just too old, and needed to be trashed. I also have been going through all of my "hand tools"... like for my plants, hand tools for my yard, spades, things like paint brushes, items to work on my windows with, screws, nuts, bolts, nails, sheet rock things, my screwdrivers, cordless drill, and just an entire "collection" of things such as screws, nuts, bolts, I never throw away, I can guarantee I will need one that size later, so I have been putting those in empty pill bottles, I take off the labels and save some to put those types of things in them. I have several bins, many need nose pliers, vice grips, small saws, hammers, and as I said you name it, I have kept them... so they are going to finally be organized and I went ahead and ordered the "cabinet" with doors - so many, of those types of things can be put away, organized, rather than sitting in a couple of boxes on table tops taking up space, and causing me to have to dig through things when i need something. 

BUT, EVEN WITH ALL OF THAT, I GUESS I AM SICK OF FEELING OR BRING ILL, OR NOT FEELING WELL, or "not doing some stuff" until I get another "review" about my hip and foot. I am just frustrated, with myself, with all of the catching up, with stuff I "am not sure" whether I should do or not... which is really stupid. My surgeon told me last time I was there, I could basically "DO" What I FELT I COULD DO... LOL! not things such as sky-diving, or up on a ten-foot ladder painting right now, or trying to pick up things that are too heavy, and that is more for my neck and back, than it is my hip. I do know I've got some pain from the hip that runs down the inside of my thigh, and they say that can be very present, and is likely after a hip fracture and repair.

 I am also using muscles that were not used for 6 weeks or more... while I was in the hospital and them Rehab Inpatient PT. But, they really were giving me a workout in PT honestly. So, I am avidly doing my ankle and foot exercises, and I make sure I do them with both legs, so both feel strong. I had sprained the left ankle a couple of times also, and due to the flat feet, that tendency to "re--sprain" or for those muscles and tendons to be loose is probably there in that foot too. Right now, I am just having to MAKE MYSELF SIT HERE AND TYPE!!!! It makes my neck and shoulders hurt if I type for very long, a well as my thumbs,fingers and wrists. I guess in "wrapping" up this ongoing FB post, I will close with I know MANY of us are going through the same thing. But, I think I expected "more out of myself" than where I am.

I also felt I would be more "settled" with all of the medical things, so I could get my neck fixed... I know I probably face lower back surgery, especially since we found out I had that "missing lamina" that they feel I was that way, without it there in that area, and I know my discs there are not good either... and even though it's been 8 months or so since Mom passed away, I am still dealing with her, paperwork and stuff, but also that I still in ways grieve for her, and find myself almost "LOST" with her no longer around. I catch myself thinking "I should call Mom and tell her, this, that or the other"... then it dawns on me, that she is not "reachable" from here anymore... so LOTS of "stuff" even more than I've poured out here is causing me to really have a great deal of "stress" that some is really useless... if I can't "fix" it then I should not stress over it....

WEGO Bloggers Challenge for Monday November 14th 2016 - Monday, Monday.... "Purging what "burns me out", makes me upset, gets me down and out" so I can "deal" with it on Tuesday

This is an easy one. TOO MANY IRONS IN THE FIRE AND TRYING TO KEEP THEM ALL HOT AND READY TO GO! 

Trying to do 100 things at once, being ALL to everyone and not able to just say ENOUGH, I NEED HELP AND I NEED A BREAK FROM THE INSANITY, THE PAIN, I NEED THE SURGERIES, AND I WANT MY LIFE BACK WHERE I CAN DO MY WRITING, MY ADVOCACY AND BE READY TO HIT WASHINGTON DC IN MARCH, FOR THE AF SUMMIT READY TO "ROAR" AT ARE "NEW" CONGRESS!

Since my Mom getting so ill so quickly, and needing my help 24/365/7, and then passing away so suddenly this past June, my life has turned into a disaster beyond anything I could have ever imagined. Being an only child made that even more difficult because it was ME and only myself to do everything. When you are already chronically ill yourself and your own "caretaker" of 13 years suddenly has walked out a year before, I was left to try and hold on taking care of her, myself, and ALL that has gone with that, and then after she passed away, I am still reeiing from "wanting to get back to having some of my life, having surgeries I need, writing and doing my advocacy work. 

I thought once "most was settled" just before the funeral, then just after, some type of somewhat "normal" would begin to come to fruition. 

Boy, what a "slap" in the face I got, with paperwork, and all that STILL HAS TO BE DONE, even though she is no longer with us, I miss her dearly, and although I "thought" we had everything in order long ago, I found out that somehow things got "changed" that I was not made aware of. That has caused hard feelings, and those things were the very last I wanted for myself and my two grown children.

So, hopefully by "telling" this once again, and often what my writing can be for, is to "purge" some of what is stressing me so badly, and help to get my surgery on my neck done at least before the end of the year, and allow me to have back some of that normality I so need in my life.

I LOVE my Mom, and I MISS HER, but at times I am so UPSET AT HER, for "changing" things that did just what I told her it would leave harsh feelings for those left here to continue on. 

#HAWMC 

 

 

 

Chronically ill, chronic pain, and how LIFE can just be absolutely almost unbearable when you feel too bad to deal with it!

I don't care what anyone says, EVERYONE has those moments, days, weeks, and so forth... that things just DO NOT go RIGHT! Yet, when you are dealing with all too often Chronic Illness and Chronic Pain, some of life's bull, can be totally the reason some people just totally "lose it".... I know we wonder when someone "hurt's themselves", or they may just "go off the deep end" and rant and rave about something, or they "take off" for the day, or for a couple of days... or any number of things that we do to try and keep from going completely BONKERS, in life, in illness, and in pain... then add in the STRESS that complicates everything it seems, and it is a wonder that ALL of us are not in the "nut house"... thus this is one reason that I "rant and rave" in my blog and in my writing... some days you just have to PURGE all of that "ugly mess" out of your mind and heart. Everyone has their own ways... mine is to "write it" "say it" and then I am "free" what those "ties" of stress that bind...


AM SO BURNING MAD I could just about SCREAM to the MOON and Back!!! After THREE times of trying to get order for blood work over to my PCP from my Rheumatologist, I go this morning to have other blood work done for my PCP, and they tell me "they do not have the Rheumatologist's orders for the blood work!!!" SO, I go outside, call their office and gave the the fax number. They were going to fax it right then. I go in and for the 1st time he gets my blood the FIRST stick!!! BUT, they claim they still don't have the Rheumatologist orders. So, we get my Mom's done, and get my other finished and still they continue to tell me they didn't get it. So. NOW I've had to email my Rheumatologist again, and I KNOW they faxed that paperwork. My PCP and those girls in the office are idiots. It's probably been laying on someone's desk there now for a week!!!! So, NOW I have to make another trip, and no telling how my veins will act. One time they do great, the next they suck. I am supposed to go have the discography done Friday! So, I don't want all of my veins bruised too badly, then they have hell starting an IV!!! So, right now I am ready to blow more than one gasket. Then EARLY this morning, I get an email from "a person" that made me so mad I called them even though it was 2 HOURS earlier than me... so about 5 AM "they" get my call. After chewing "them" out via email, I was so HURT and felt so damned betrayed, after putting my heart, mind, body and soul, in a relationship for 13 years, and I GET BLAMED for it not "working"... I CAN'T fathom how someone who freaking did things that HURT ME, can so easily FORGET, ALL THEY DID OVER THE DAMNED YEARS... but I am THE ONE TO BLAME... OMG, I am so tired of being walked on and wiped on like a damned doormat... LIFE is NOT easy! PEOPLE disagree... that is PART OF A RELATIONSHIP... NOTHING goes COMPLETELY SMOOTHLY... not when illness, accidents, family... everything can't be PERFECT, but apparently, someone thinks YOU NEVER ARGUE, YOU NEVER HURT someone's feelings, that it is some FAIRY TALE!!! Lord why the hell I ever even tried I don't know... you would THINK I SHOULD HAVE LEARNED MY LESSON!!! But, I WILL NOT BE USED FOR A damned door mat anymore.


and continued....

PLUS I completely changed my entire bedroom around yesterday. I am "parying for it today" though... my lower back and hips are on fire they hurt so badly... then the blood work was "fasting", so Mom and I both went... so I had not eaten or had anything but water since last night... and then Mom has such a terrible hip problem, I finally got her to buy a cane today. She can't put any weight on that hip. I am calling my Orthopedic Surgeon who did my shoulder and neck and getting her an appointment. There is NOT ONE Ortho doctor in our town or any closer that takes our insurance anymore... so she has to go to Dallas anyway, she might as well see the best.... I fear if an injection does not work, she maybe facing hip surgery.... we may both be down with surgery by the same doctor ... if things don't get better... So, she wanted to go to Wally World and I took her. I needed some really very heavy plastic... I am trying to get the place fixed where my dogs are paper trained. My house is not as level anymore, it always moves around, that is TX soil for you. This house was built in 1950 and it STILL SETTLES, depending on the weather, and time of year. One day you can't open a door, the next it won't stay closed... it sucks... so I took her out there, and I knew her hip is bad by the way she was walking, and when she said she would buy a cane, I really knew it was bad.... so I am home, had to take my meds, give the dogs their meds, I still have not eaten, and am trying to get my "orders" for that damned blood work to me, so I can get them done. They won't pay for the Xeljanz (insurance) until I have the blood work done.. so between crappy weather, and a crappy life mess at the moment, and now hurting like hell, I am ready to just throw in the towel, wash cloth, kitchen sink, and the baby's bathtub with the water.... out the danged front door and say to hell with it all! LIFE SUCKS and PAIN SUCKS WORSE!!!!

Stress Awareness Month - WEGO Health #HAWMC Writer's Challenge April 19th 2015

Definitely a great question for ALL of us that have to contend with a stressed filled, everywhere you look and feel world! Daily stress producing items are all around us. Whether you are "chronically ill or in chronic pain" or not, the news and medical world tells us that our daily stress levels are off the charts. This also means that stress effects us in so many different ways, especially when it comes to your physical and mental health.

Then you take all of that into consideration, jobs, families, travel, homes, cars, kids, and just what we see in the news daily, is enough to cause us an insurmountable bunch of stress. We have known for years that stress contributes to heart problems, it definitely effects our immune systems, allowing things that normally not make us ill, to sometimes makes us more ill than we think.

Now let's add in doctors visits, 15 or more medications a day, feeling overwhelmed already, yet due to chronic illness and the pain that comes along with it, the stress levels can be way over the top of the glass, and pouring down all around us in a puddle. Just having to deal with a drive to a doctor in Dallas, maybe two in a weeks time. Making sure all of my medications are filled properly, and with me so I don't miss any. Not feeling well some days, either with some type of "flare"; whether Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, Sjogren's, and the list continues. Add those onto trying to keep a job, do errands, take care of a home, a yard, a car, buy groceries and prepare meals, do laundry, and all of the 1001 things that can pop up at any moment, to distract us from what else we are doing. Then our bodies all too often "revolt". So, now I am dealing with a huge amount of fatigue, severe headaches, my hips and lower back hurting, perhaps like last week for me, having the procedure done on Thursday - even though a "good procedure" to hopefully help reduce the horrid pain in my lower back, hips and legs, was still "stress". So I get up on Friday, with bright pink cheeks, feeling like a train had run over me, seeing everything piling up I need to do, and guess what, here is a flare. I would "assume" a Lupus flare, due to the pink hot cheeks and nose. That all too familiar "Lupus "The Wolf" Mask" we get when one of those comes on

So, I've spent over a week at doctors offices, having that procedure done, then coming home to know I am behind on everything. Now I feel lousy, the weather brings on a new set of stress on it own, and I now have a very low potassium situation they discovered last week when I had the Transforminal Epidural Steroid Injection done in my lumbar spine. My potassium was at an "dangerous" low. Most of the time at what mine was, and they even checked it twice, I probably should be getting IV Potassium to try and get it back up a bit, then follow up with pills. But, I didn't hear from my PCP even after calling at 9:00 A< Friday. So, I followed up with my Cardiologist, who immediately called in a script, told me to take two of them for two days, then one a day, and come in on next Friday so they can check the levels again.

Now, after all that being said, "How do I, did I, deal with all of the stress"? My first way to "deal" with stress is "listing" and writing down, what is "MOST" important to get done quickly, and what may be able to wait a day or two? That helps me a great deal, to literally "write down" a list, and prioritize things. Then I take stock in how I feel mentally and physically. If I am feeling very lousy, then I know I need to do absolutely what has to be done, and save others for later, when I feel better.

From there, I allow "time for me". Even though my to do list might be long, I still need to be able to either go outside, and do my walking. I enjoy baking. So, for me going into the kitchen and making a pie, cake, cookies, or whatever I feel like I might enjoy baking, I do that. There are days, that I may have to do one or two things, then sit down at the computer and write, or take an hour to watch a movie with my two pups. I also very often find if I go over to my Mom's, and just spend some times away, where I can talk, and "gripe" if I want to, Being able to express my stress is critical. If I can't write it down, or say it, or find some type of avenue to be able to "purge" some of the bad stress, then I really find myself unable to get much of anything done. I am too wrapped up in what I CAN'T, thus what I can does not come to me, when I don't just take that walk, talk to my Mom, write on my book, or post on my blog. Summer as I had mentioned in another blog post earlier in the week, tends to help. I can open up my home, and let the fresh air in, get some light streaming in, and I have a "renewed" feeling, that tends to be a great deal stress free.

Being ill with so many of these diseases, syndromes, and such do add a HUGE amount of stress in my life, but my husband, Mom, and others can "feel" that tension in the air. So, between all of us we try to keep me in check with stress. It may mean a day trip to Oklahoma and the Casino. Which in saying that, we are LONG overdue to go. It has been several months, possibly about 4 or more months since Mom and I made that 2 hour journey into "freedom" for a few hours at least.

Just a day trip away from it all, is an incredible way for me to get back to the matters at hand daily, and lead my body and brain into a new perspective.

Writing has always, and will always be one of my biggest ways, that I can "purge" out the stress, remain half sane hopefully, and try to carry on up that "mountain" always reaching out to attain a goal.

#HAWMC