Hopping Over the Hurdles of a small town, with no shuttle to Dallas to get there for surgery more on the Horrors of Dementia & A Parent

This may sound like a ridiculous question to many people, but what do people do like myself, that live in a small town, and have no really "close" relatives, and need to be taken to somewhere like Dallas to have surgery, or a procedure done, yet they don't have a "spouse", or anyone they can call upon to do so? Sure, if I lived in Dallas, I could probably find some type of shuttle service, or at the very least take a Taxi, etc.... but unless I am just not informed, I gather there is no type of shuttle here in our community that does that type of thing? So, are there people out there that will do something such as that, drive a person for a day surgery, or for a test of some type, or to a doctors office, that for some reason they are not able to drive themselves? We must have someone around here that does that and charges a certain amount to take you and bring you back home. My son can't get off work, due to him having been off himself for an arm injury so he can't get off this next week on Wednesday, of course my daughter is 8 hours away, my Mom, well even if she was OKAY, Mom could not even drive me across town when I had double pneumonia a couple of years ago to Urgent Care...

I was "too sick" to drive alone, so she came over, and I had to drive us there, and then drive myself back home, and I have no other "relatives" or people that can do something such as that. I guess it would be something someone in our area should consider. Because there has to be more people than myself that wind up in this situation. And of course even if I "felt like" I could drive home, there is no way, no how my surgeon would ever, every agree to that, especially it being neck surgery, and I will have a cervical collar on... Any thoughts from any of you? I know there is "Uber" in the larger cities, but I am sure we don't have anyone here that would drive anyone from Ennis to Dallas and then back to Ennis.... I've just about taken all I can...

I've put this surgery off, and thus that means my lower surgery has been put off also, and now my fingers are numb all the time, I can barely turn my head, and my lower back and legs continue to hurt like hell... I guess I am going to have to go and have my pain pump medication increased, which I did not want to do.... and then like today, I go to the market for Mom, I take food over for her to choose what she can eat, well, she never said a word, just mumbled a couple of times, "nothing" I guess it what she said... so I put stuff up, cleaned out the fridge, took out the trash, put up the clothes in the dryer, happened to have ran into the gentleman that does my Mom's lawn work, and found out she did no pay him from last time, so I told him to go ahead and cut the yard again, and I had to pay him for that... then I had to fold laundry, get her medications together for the next week, pick up her scripts from the pharmacy, clean up what she had left out give her a new glass of something to drink, take her an Ensure that was cold, and by that time, I went in 3 or 4 times, and she never said a word...

I had asked like 3 or 4 times about eating... so when I finished, I gathered up my stuff, and just came home. I am totally exhausted, and I got to thinking, I am a main, a cook, a grocery shopper, a car detailer, a trash person, I do laundry, I "exterminate" for ants, I vacuum, dust, sweep, fix her meds, make sure she takes her meds ... and the list just goes on and on,.. a bill payer... an accountant... chief, cook and bottle washer... and you know what... I am totally exhausted.... so I am headed to the sofa to watch a movie, and then will get dinner ready here in a bit... I am just so disenchanted with it all... and I "watch" and see everyone else "living their lives"... and mine seems to "not be of my own"....


Alas, I am just going to have to postpone it again, and I know my Orthopedics Surgeon's office is going to throw a fit. I've had to postpone it twice myself already, and he postponed it once due to some thing that came up for him. So, they also at times suddenly postpone at the last minute. But, I am just going to have to let his assistant know that this time rather than trying to "reschedule" in a month or two weeks etc... to wait, and I will call them back to reschedule once I can "set in stone" find someone to take me to have the surgery and bring me back. I do not want to do this again. It is difficult on them, and it is difficult on me, to feel "rushed and in a panic trying to find someone"...I even looked up in our area some type of "shuttle" service that may take me up there. I know my neighbor across the street goes in a shuttle frequently, but she is on dialysis, and I think they may take her to Dallas, but just a certain area. 

The only one here I can find, just does a shuttle in our county, and if I lived up in DeSoto or in that area, then the Star Transit could take me, but that is about 20 miles away... Anyway, I am going to have to make some very difficult decisions this week about Mother anyway. I am sick this morning, and the weather here is horrible. We were supposed to be "sunny" and no chance of rain... LOL... what a joke, the thunder and lightening woke me up around 6AM, and it is raining, and we have an electrical storm over us still. It is just a terrible day out there right now... I had to get the trash out to the curb and I HATE LIGHTENING... it struck my car one year while we were driving in an unexpected storm on a major highway, and it hit the antenna of our car, knocked it off and it literally FLEW over an 18 wheel tractor trailer, and it "stopped" the brain of my car! We were in a brand new car with dealer plates still on it! 

But it "reset" itself after about 15 minutes or so on the side of the road, but that was one of those "spring storms" that came up so suddenly we did not even have time to find shelter... we were fortunate enough to get under on overpass and had a truck driver in front of us and in back of us... and a tornado literally passed within a quarter mile or less right in front of us over the highway!!!! Cars were stopped for miles on both sides of I-35! It was a total nightmare! So, I am not a "fan" of any type of electrical storm or hail. I've had a roof ruined by that, windows knocked out in fact I still have a window that desperately needs to be replaced because it is just barely holding in with cardboard and duct tape now! But, I need someone to help hold the pane in place so I can get the "pins" in it to hold the glass in so I can put the glazing around it.... so again, until I can find someone to help, I am "SOL" as the saying goes....

 I was so totally upset over this past weekend, between Mom and some of the crap she pulled and said to me, and between not having any way to get to have my surgery, and my neck is getting worse... yesterday my fingers went to "sleep" on both hands and were burning and stinging, then by the time I got through the market, and got what I needed and picked up Mom's stuff, hauled it in her house, put that away, folded clothes and done everything there, put all of her trash out etc... then came home and had to put all of my stuff up, my hips and legs hurt so badly I wanted to cry! Now this morning, I woke up with a sore throat, and my glands are swollen under my neck worse on the left side... so I hope I don't have another infection...

I went over there this morning. She was "up" standing in her living room. No cane, no walker, and no emergency cell phone on her... so if she fell, there would be no way for her to contact me or anyone. So, I asked her what she was doing... and she mumbled "straightening" things up... and I just commented, well Mom everything should be pretty well straight.Then I went through the "laundry" list of things I did. I asked her if she had eaten... her reply of course was "No"... I went to put up some drinks I had gotten her, and there were items again in the fridge that did not belong, and she was just "fiddling" around with things, not really doing anything. 

I went and got her medication, put it in a small little cup, laid it on the table, and mentioned she did not eat yesterday and she replied, NO one brought me anything!...Okay, there I had been there the day before, brought in all of the groceries, asked her numerous times to eat or what she wanted, and I either got no reply or just a "no"... so I explained that I did come, and she did not want to eat, and she said I don't recall anyone being here... and I could tell, she was in "one of those moods"... so I finished putting up the drinks, and told her, her medications were on the table... and I said I see you must have things under control, so I am going home... and she looked at me and said. YOU have NO HOME!!

 I TURNED and replied Well, I guess I do, and that is exactly where I am headed... call me if you need anything. So, I shut the door and left. I am not feeling well today, I woke up with swollen glands under my neck, and a sore throat and the weather is cool today, and I was not about to stand there and allow her to "belittle" all of what I've done, since she just cannot recall what those things are... I called off my surgery and will reschedule a bit later in a month or so, once some things are not so messed up... but for now, as I told my doctor's assistant, until I can get a firm "way" there and back to Dallas for the surgery, and get someone to watch after Mom or see where all of this goes in the coming weeks, I did not want to reschedule, and then find out something is amiss again... Anyway, I am headed for the sofa... I just don't feel very well, and I just need the rest. I sure as heck cannot afford to come down with a "flare" or some type of infection right now.

More on Dementia, Your Parents, And the Extremely Tough Decisions to Make, When YOU ARE ALSO CHRONICALLY ILL and in CHRONIC PAIN...

(My firend Denise that I went to high school with is struggling also with a 2nd round of cancer of her ovaries I believe, and it has spread down into her thigh and presses on the nerves in her legs so she is also dealing with lots of drama in life )   -  I appreciate you so much Denise Tekell...(I am speaking of Lisa that I had lunch with yesterday, another friend from high school)  We both spoke about your struggles, and just how brave and strong you are. It is so difficult to watch someone who deserves happiness to have to struggle through despair that they don't deserve. And (this lady is a FB friend, but she is like a dear "physical friend who is right here with me at times)  Lourdes Villegas-Anaya even though we are not close "physically" you remain a dear friend also. You have also helped me through some difficult times, and I hope someday we can meet in person! I am still struggling with getting things settled for Mom, before I have the neck surgery. I have decided to postpone it until the end of April or first part of May. 

 

I thought by now I would have the Home Health Care and more of the things I need for Mom done by now. But it all takes time, and I am still working on some aspects of getting her people in there to help her, and to get this new phone that has an emergency button on it set up, and pray she can understand how to use it. When I had lunch yesterday my friend was explaining some things she went through with her Mother In Law and her having Alzheimer's... and now some of the things Mom does or does not do, begin to make sense. So, I now have more information that helps me to understand her reactions or actions at times. I went over there yesterday afternoon kind of later, around 3:40 or so. After lunch I had stopped at "Wally World" to pick up a couple of things, a couple of which I needed to take to her, and when I got to Mom's house, and opened the door... it was so odd, she was standing there by her chair, in a blouse that I have not seen her in gosh, in months. 

 

She always remains so COLD, and usually she had some "house dress" or gown on, and I've not seen her in actual "clothes" in a while. But, she did not have on any bottoms... And I asked her what she was doing, and in fact I had bought her a pair of Capri pants while I was out, because all of her clothes are much too big for her, so I got them and told her they were an "early" Mother's Day gift... but I don't know if she was "dressing" thinking that "we" were supposed to go somewhere and I just caught her in the middle of getting dressed or what. She never really "told" me why she had that blouse on, and I made light of it, and said "Mom you must have known I was bringing you a pair of Capri's that will fit"... anyway, I did not stay, it was getting later in the afternoon, and I had a few things to do at home, so I told her I would be back today, but I have SO MUCH to do for myself, and I need to wash her car, it is so covered in thick dust that it would be like mud if it got wet, and I have a new curtain rod she needs hung, and a new mini blind I bought, and all of those things take time, even with my cordless screw drivers... 

 

so if I go there it will be a full day plus in order to replace her Social Security Card she lost, I have to drive over to the next town about 15 miles away, to the nearest SS office in order to get the replacement. So, that is another couple of hours depending on how busy they are... but my lawn needs mowing, and I have clothes to wash, and my own house to clean, and need to get busy on painting a bedroom, the spare room... along with trying to get the outside of my own house painted... that is what I mean, and my friend said it herself, even her and her husband with her Mother in Law living with them, it was over a full time job for BOTH of them, and there is no way I can do it ALL myself, even with home health care... if she continues to go down as quickly as she is mentally, I may need much more help than I have now... and the decisions that have to be made are not easy ones at all. That is also what makes it so difficult, it is the tough decisions through all of this... 

 

I NEVER, and I said it a billion times would EVER put my parents in any type of "home" but if Mom continues to go down as quickly as she is, even building onto my home and having her here may not even be enough... that may not be the answer as much as I want it to be... so all of the decisions to make and the "footwork" I need to do, those are difficult issues to deal with.... so keep me in your thoughts and prayers... I need a "break" but I just don't know how to get one, and I need the surgery, but it just seems like now is not the time.... 

 

I recall when my Mom had to come to make the decision to my put Granny (her mother) in the nursing home. Even though Mother had a sister and brother (who have both now passed away) their health, and the size of their homes were not conducive with bringing my Granny to any of their homes after she fell, broke a hip, and the doctors said she could no longer live alone. But, my Granny was 92 years old and had lived alone from the time my Grandfather passed away of Alzheimer's and Lung cancer at the age of 77, so she took care of herself for many, many years, and if she had not taken that fall and broken her hip she may have been able to stay by herself a bit longer.  She had osteoporosis, like myself, the severe range which frightens me, so they feel her hip "broke" and then she fell... that the osteoporosis caused the fracture which led to my Granny falling. 

 

So, these truly tough decisions in our lives about parents or loved ones, are often times something we never "see coming" until they are upon us. I know that my Mom had been showing "signs" of Dementia/Alzheimer's for a long while, but it was not until the past 4 to 5 months that things went South extremely fast. That is why through my own research, and what I have been told, I feel this is not a "regular" type of Dementia, but one that comes on much more quickly, and takes its toll very soon. It is not like some types of Dementia and Alzheimer's that seem to come on slowly, and sometimes the patients may live for years and be able to function in a good deal of capacity before it really gets bad, but this is so very, very different than even my Grandfather, who had full blown Alzheimer's... this has taken my Mom from being able to do many things herself, just 5 to 6 months ago, to not even being able to turn on her oven, her washer, her dryer, know the month, date, time, and not understand MAnY things, and I feel she does not even recognize some items. Like she was telling me on the phone that the "phone" light was blinking, and I tried to tell her Mom because you are talking on it, the "base" light will blink in use... but when I got to her house, it was the alarm clock blinking because of a storm we had the night before had caused the power to go off for a few minutes, so it was not the "phone" at all. And she cannot recall the names of things, or of people, and now she tells me "YOU know it was "different' when I lived "over there"? And Mom has lived in the same home since I was about 3 years old! There is no other "over there".... So, unless she is talking about when she was still living  home with her parents, I had no clue where "over there" meant....

It is very difficult to watch a parent, or any loved one lose their capacity to manage things on their own, and especially difficult when it happens so fast... 

All I can do, is try to do my best to help her and support her, but I also have to take care of myself.

I should have that neck surgery next week, that I am having to put off again. I am not getting things in order quickly enough for her before I go and have cervical neck surgery that will incapacitate me for several weeks. And now, a few months ago, she would have "been able to understand and even maybe help me", but now, I don't think she even realizes what it means for me to go through this complicated surgery, or that I won't be able to life things, drive for a little while, that I will have a neck brace on for six weeks, and that many of my daily activities that I do at my own house will not be able to be done by me.... 

So, if you are in a situation such as this, and I know many of you are, please try and not feel guilty, or selfish, or like you are disappointing a parent or loved one if you must make hard decisions that you never felt you would have to, such as putting them in some type of assisted living center, or nursing home... it could be the best for you and them also... they need 24/7/365 care, and lots of it...