Friends, Illnesses, Friends passing away, A young friend (43) with Breast Cancer & the Pacemaker going in for me on the 17th.. Life

Friends passing away - and Friends with Breast Cancer (young she is 43)  and the Pacemaker for me going on on the 17th

I just found out a friend of mine I worked with right after Jason was born, and then all my life I had known her We used to see each other frequently in HEBm and I had noticed I had been missing her. She passed away over the weekend. She was the most hard working woman in the world. And funny as heck... lots of things went on in her life, but she was always still rockin' it, no matter what was happening. I know she will be missed... (Audrey Minatrea) I am sure many of you in my hometown knew her and her family. 

Then another friend of min, that in fact was my "home health nurse, that came by weekly for a good while through my insurance having them do it, and in fact I got Bella from her, My Doxie, I just found out she has breast cancer and has been fighting that only 43, I felt badly I did not find out until this morning... things have been so nuts for me, that I have missed things here especially on Facebook...so IF I miss something or happen to NOT answer PLEAE send me a private message, I don't want to miss anyone, or anything that is important. Love to you all, and prayers for all that are facing their own emotional, and/or physical, or life's illnesses and hardships....

Updates.....

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, your information an your prayers...　 I am so blessed to have family and dear friends here who listen, help, hope and care. I KNOW they are the ones with the mixed up phone numbers. I had went back and rechecked ALL of the messages I left, and not one message contained BOTH numbers that I gave her, which were correct. I DO KNOW since she (Amy) is the doctor's assistant who lines all of this up in the Dallas Hospital Heart/Pacemaker Office, that part of the issue is that they are all having to "train" on a brand new computer system, doctors included so they are "behind" on everything. I figure that is also one part of phone numbers and messages NOT getting to the proper person. My doctor told me the day I was there my first visit with him, to MAKE SURE I GET through, either AMY calls me within 4 days or so, OR I had her number that HE gave me, and that I call until I get her to answer me. That was also the holiday weekend, so between new computers, training, I know that office (which contains several different types of heart specialists, had new patients even like 7 of them the day I was there... not all for my doctor, but as I said all of them are in different heart special fields, so I figure it is one big mess, training, all those new patients, and in fact, they were supposed to give me "special towels" to wipe from head to toe with the morning before I go to the hospital but they were out of all of them there in the office - 

so I asked Amy about it yesterday, & she said she made notes and there were notes on my chart. The nurses will take care of all of that after I get to the floor. She told me if they did not mention it, then for me to remind them, and I am sure they will. Usually the nurses who are on the surgical floors are extremely good at their jobs, especially when it comes to being cautious with bacteria etc... ANYWAY, I GO IN ON THE 17TH OF THIS MONTH, so a week from this coming Monday... at 8AM at the Jack and Jack Hart Hospital at Baylor Hospital in downtown Dallas.... That is my check time so I figure they will have me lined up 1st surgery, at probably around 10AM... he told me to expect 2 hours or a bit less, if it is a 2 lead surgery, if they hav to go to a 3 lead then it may be 2 1/2 hours. 

Since I am an "early" patient I should get to go home that afternoon, if everything is doing okay. I know INFECTION of the wound itself is one of the main things they watch for, which makes sense... because I go in a week after the surgery to the office for a recheck, and even my regular heart doctor wants to see me about a week after the surgery. She had called me actually the day of my appt and told me to let them know the day I am scheduled for surgery, and that she wanted to personally see me also, once it is over with, and I can come in to her office here in town also. So, we are "set" it sounds like, and as I told Amy on the phone yesterday the sooner the better. I want this over with and done, so I can quit worrying about all of it. I am still going over information at Medtronic's website, there are so many different types of pacemaker's - just those alone, not including other types of heart devices etc... I will keep everyone informed as things get near, or if anything changes.....  :)

Wishing All A Happy, Safe, Love Filled, Thanksgiving!

I wish everyone a very Happy, (Safe) if you are driving, Cheerful and thanksgiving full of family, friends, and finding what things in your life you are
 

 

Grateful and Thankful for. Although like some of you, it will be myself, Bella Doxie and Peanut, my daughters family can't make it up this time, and my son is preparing to start a new job, training next week so I won't get to see them. But, I am "thankful" and blessed to have my two grown children, my Grandsons and Granddaughter, A wonderful Son-In-Law, and I am full of joy with my 2 "Little Devils but they are my Best Friends" the two fur-babies, and am Happy to be able to say HAPPY THANKSGIVING to ALL of my "ONLINE FRIENDS"... 

 

so there are things to be thankful for on this day.... I will be reflecting on the past memories of Thanksgiving with my Aunts and Uncles, and Grandparents, and all of the cousins... and how the holidays were so filled with cheer, food, and laughter.... love all around... and wish all a continued "Hope" surrounding you....

 

 

NEW CLINICAL TRIAL BY CURE CLICK - THIS ONE HITS ME PERSONALLY - LEWY BODIES DEMENTIA!

Again this is so critical to me in such a very personal way. If you and a loved one has been diagnosed, or shows "signs or symptoms" of this extremely rapidly degenerating type of Dementia, you can screen for a Clinical Trial sponsored by Cure Click. I watched it take my Mom within 6 months. She had "some signs" of dementia, forgetfulness, and several others about a year or two before. Yet, none that led to a real diagnosis, then this horrid disease seemed to "take over" suddenly, and I literally watched her "change" day by day, as I've told the story so many times. This is NOT your "typical dementia or even Alzheimer's) not that they are not awful, yet Lewy bodies as a whole different type of dementia, aggressive in nature... and honestly, they still lack a great deal of the "why's" of this particular one.... Please share this with others. I would so appreciate you giving out this to others that may have someone they have seen in this type of rapid declining of mental, physical, and emotional realms so suddenly.

 

http://curec.lk/2e1mP5t

Been told you or a loved one have #LewyBody #Dementia? Participate in a clinical trial! See if you qualify. http://curec.lk/2e1mP5t 

A Lesson In Life About Taking "time" to laugh, to catch up, and to be out of the "hellish" times so many of us have....

As I was typing out about having a lunch and it has been a long time, or being with an old friend from High School or College, maybe a job from your past, all of the hopes, dreams, plans, the "faith and hope that can move mountains" go with you, and in a small town such as Ennis, it never dawns on you that it maybe YEARS before you see those people again. Whether it is family, a friend, or whomever that was a "pat" of your life back then, all too often becomes "lost" in "life". We have "corners and curves we don't often expect. Things that were supposed to happen, didn't or they did yet something changes your path, and what you felt and thought would happen, is far from that memory in your mind. I know when I was in especially High School, I had a "few" really good friends. Due to the fact, that I felt "overweight" and I was a bit back then, and at that time Mom 9bless her heart not her fault because she was not taught either)... didn't know how to "fix" my hair, or how to put makeup on, and dress more in "fashion" ... I realize my parents did the very best they could, and I thought about that in the shower this morning. I was "fortunate"... 

 

I had a home, both parents, Mom never had to work, so I was never "alone" after school. Dad worked at the same place all his life from the time he was 16 when EBF was Ennis Tag back then... I always had 3 meals a day, I was always able to take a bath, have clean hair, and clothes on my back. Those were things that all too often we don't realize until we are older there were families that were not and are not that lucky. Kids that may have one or two meals, and those are at school, or go home to an empty house because both parents work, and they may not have food on the table every night, or clean clothes that fit them, or new shoes... and more so today, we have kids that go to bed hungry in this nation, in this state, in this county, and in this town... Anyway, what I am trying to get at, is that I did not realize just how "lonely" and "alone" I have felt now for months, and months, probably at least a year..

 

I have had to do my very best with what I know to help my Mom in any way I can... most of my time is spent either helping her, whatever that might be, especially now, she cannot even start her washer, or turn on her oven... and if I am not there, I am at home, with two awesome puppies, but they are "WORK" also... I love them and they keep me "sane" when my world feels insane....yet they have to have care also.... and then my home has to be cared for, whether it is daily things, dishes, sweeping, mopping etc.. taking my own medications correctly, and then the other things mowing the lawn, getting the house painted, getting the back "forty" mowed, and all of the "deeper" things we have when we own a home need to be done... so until I went to lunch today with a dear friend, I didn't realize just how "I have not laughed", I have not "smiled", I've not been with anyone my age, who understands my situation, and just getting to go out of the house away from it all, and have lunch was such a special treat. IT is almost like a Kid in a "candy store" for me... that is something I have not gotten to do very much over the past year... I had wanted to go dancing, yet I always "feel guilty", or I feel I should stay home with the puppies or not spend the money, even though I don't drink a drop, and that "old feeling" of "what if like high school" no one asked me to the high school prom or out on a date... none of the guys from school ever asked me out.... in fact my cousin from Mesquite came down and went with my to my Senior High School Prom, so I would get to go.... 

 

I still recall the dress I wore... LOL... but we get "lost" in "transition" of marriages, illnesses, families, jobs, moves, all of the "stuff" in life that as Seniors leaving High School never in a million years would have thought would happen in our lives... Our nation is NOT the "nation" of the USA that we knew back then, not many "towns" are "safe" like Ennis was back then... things move faster, and if you don't keep up, you are left behind in the stone ages, almost like my own Mother, who even before this horrible Dementia/Alzheimer's or whatever it is hit her, she knew nothing about cell phones, or cordless anything, or even how to put gas in her car... 

 

...all of the technology we take for granted these days, she has no clue of how to use a computer, or what the "internet" really is all about. She hears me of course, and knows what I tell her, but she has never had that experience... so we are "wound up" in a ball of "life"... and we often "lose out" on a "lunch date" with a high school friend, or a great conversation with someone you had not seen in years, or all kinds of "small things" that when the do happen, you "CHERISH" them forever. Age gives us a space, where we no longer "take so much for granted each day, or even each hour. We learn what was important 10 years ago, means nothing today... we take those "small times" and keep them locked in our heart, knowing life again can get us lost in "transition" once again... it is sad... but it is true... so TODAY, to be able to experience a smile, old memories, and make new ones, catch up on the years between, and laugh about some of the old happenings.... Today remains that way for me, as well as Carrie Wilson Taking time to take me for my surgery to have my new pain pump put in, .... I will cherish those times, that Denise Tekell and I get to talk for a moment in WalGreens, or run into an old friend you have not seen and be able to find out how things are.... those are the true things I know now I cherish... Laughter, people who truly care, someone that helps not because they have to, but because the want to, and I hope I can "take more time" for "me" to write, to do my advocacy work, to play with the dogs, to have a laugh with a friend, and not be "stuck" and "stagnated" in the "moments of hell on Earth" that most of us know all too well.... Rhia

Setting The New Year Tone as I Deal With RA, Lupus, Sjogren's, Trying to Complete a 3rd book, Life, Family and so much more...

Every Year so many of us have a "List to Live By"... for the New Year. Some call it a list of "resolutions", "Changes", a new way, a different attitude, motivation for making things different, making what you want in life happen... Whatever you "call" it... we try to set the "tone" for our New Year.

Whether "chronically ill" or not... each of us want things to "change". Now, many of us may be completely satisfied with our life "as is"... but human nature gives us this innate intuition to never stand stagnant, to always want to evolve, to make our mark on the world, or at least our own home and community. As a whole, although when you hear the news it does not sound like it, I still feel "human nature" basically wants to "do well"... to help, to be that change maker...

As I have prodded through these past 7, 8, 9 or more years of chronic illness and chronic pain, I've noticed that it seems for the majority of us that are chronically ill, whether it is an Autoimmune Illness, Heart Disease, Cancer, or any number of diseases, syndromes and/or illnesses "we" as a whole tend to try even harder to "change" what that disease is doing not just to "our bodies and lives" but to all the others we see on a daily basis suffering from the very same illnesses. We tend to be more a part of the "change makers", whether that means a local community awareness, or a National Campaign and being an "Ambassador", Volunteer, Activist, a "voice" such as helping so many of our non-profits, such as The Arthritis Foundation, The Cancer Society, The American Heart Association, Lupus Foundation, The Pain Foundation, and the many, many, charities and organizations that "go to bat" to fight not only locally, in our states, but nationally to make awareness known within our Governmental Bodies, to get finances for more research, the race for a cure, for answers as to "why" some of us suffer so badly from such horrid illnesses, what causes them, how to treat them without destroying a patients life, and how to give people back their quality of daily living!

So, when our chronic illness and/or oain issues bring us to the place we no longer can "work" our jobs, or do many things we once could do, we find ourselves seeking a way to help STOP these diseases from ruining more lives in the future. With the technology, and how we have evolved globally, with a few key strokes, we can contact our state, our county, our city, and our National Government Officials. We can provide all types of very usual assistance without leaving our homes to "make that difference" we so want to make in life. I know some people that probably spend more hours a day now as a volunteer, activist, etc... than they did actually working a 9 to 5 job that nearly killed them... but we can "take off" for a week if we are ill, or work an hour a day, or a few hours a month.... however much "we" want to put into assisting these foundations, is so appreciated. And many of us, like myself have been even honored and rewarded by being sent to Washington DC to stand on Capitol Hill and tell our stories! So, activism, can be and is such a rewarding part of a chronically ill person's life. We feel we are "contributing" even though we may not be able to work hours a day, or leave our homes... we "make a difference"... and not even spend a penny... but give of ourselves and our time... which is definitely valuable... sometimes more than money... the value of "our time"....

I had been looking on Twitter a bit ago, and there was a great idea that I decided to not only to share, but to do. Take an empty jar, and each "good thing" that happens within the New Year, jot it down on a small piece of paper and put it in the jar. Then in the start of the next New Year, get those out and read them. As I said, all too often we "recall" all of the crappy, the bad stuff, that happens within a years time, yet we don't remember those "good moments" and maybe they are "small" but memorable. Then see just how many have filled that jar from that year before. I have already been able to write down 3 or 4 things and put in the jar, and this is the middle of January! Maybe I will need 2 jars to "hold" onto those good moments... those moments that help to make the bad ones seem not so bad.

So, the "title" of this post, is a bit deceiving in some ways. I gave the impression this was going to me more about my own "revelations" for the New Year, and the "tone" of how I "want" my year to be for 2016. I've never been one to set expectations to high, but I do try to give myself "goals" to achieve... yet I have also had to learn that when you have illnesses such as Lupus, RA, Sjogren's.... and so forth... those things you "want to achieve" may get put on the back burner, for those times you are in a "flare", or you are having surgery, or sick, or going to the doctors... there can be all kinds of things that interfere with those "good intentions"... and it is not that you may not achieve them... just not in the time frame you thought you would. I had wanted to be a published author for 20 years plus, and then was with two books within less than a year between them! My 3rd book, has been sitting here mainly completed on my computer, but needing to be put in some type of order now for gosh 3, 4 or more years. But, life and illness... have had to come first... thus the book WILL GET PUBLISHED, but I no longer "pressure" myself... Due to things beyond my control over the last almost 3 years, I began getting it together, then had to leave it... now it will take me weeks to even get back into where I am, what I have in it, and how I want to continue... and I will get there... but I have to feel well enough "physically" to be able to sit at the computer several hours at a time, hopefully with little interruption for weeks, at least 2 or 3... or I will never be able to "delve" into where I am, and where I want to go forward.... so I may not be able to do as much as I want on it, until I have the cervical neck surgery... I can't sit very long at the computer typing right now because of that disc... when it presses down on the nerves, and I have pain in my shoulders and down my arms into my thumbs... it makes it very difficult to "find my voice" to write...

It is different with my blog... I can write a bit, get up, do a few things, and come back to "finish" the post...

But, the "tone" for my 2016 is to try my best to get as far on the 3rd book as I can to prepare for it to be published. I also need to get myself back into "physical shape" and I mean back to walking when it warms up, taking the dogs out walking, and getting out of the house... but I also face at least the one surgery... and maybe two this year... my lower lumbar and sacral spine gives me hell when I try and sit for very long also... and after Friday's ordeal of driving and doctors in Dallas all day long, I have suffered with a great deal of back and side pain... hell I've wondered if I have another kidney stone, the pain has been so bad off and on...

So, the "tone" again is to do as much as I can personally to my home, bless it's heart it needs so much work, and myself... and try to "enjoy" each day whether ill on the sofa, sitting here at the computer writing, or online...walking my pups... walking myself... and hopefully spending several times this year for a day or overnight stay at Winstar! Gosh how I miss that Casino! I walk in and the world melts away, at least for that time you are there...

So, take time to "set your tone" for 2016.... make yourself a "good moments" jar... and in 2017 (when I get to trade in my Prius for a New Model) see how many of those truly make you smile.....

Feeling totally destroyed, Mad as Hell, and wondering WHY LIFE can be such a torment for some rather than a joy!

I've kept my mouth shut about some of the feelings I have about this entire ordeal of myself, and my Mom being not well, not well at all. I refuse to ask for help, because I know that it will NOT happen, thus I do all on my own, from fixing a lamp, to fixing my plumbing to hanging a new ceiling fan (which that one I have not done yet) I am living now with TWO severely infected places on each thigh, one of which had already been incised over 6 weeks ago and should be well. But, it has taken much longer, I guess just due to my immune system issues... then 2 weeks ago, after hearing a "weird" beeping, during one of our bad weather days, I found out my internal pain pump has a "motor stall" and I had to scramble to Dallas, to my pain docs office to meet a Rep from Medtronic, so they could turn the pump down to a "no flow" basically, and then I went in on Tuesday to see my doctor. Well, it seems on that Sunday before the pump restarted itself again. So, he turned it back to my normal rate of medications, BUT he messed up on my Bolus' that were supposed to be 1.001 every 8 hours and he put .1001, which is a huge difference. I left 2 messages, two days in a row, and I knew Friday the office was closed. So, I just kept taking my oral meds to supplement the difference, and about 9:06 AM Friday morning, the pump had another "motor stall".. so as I was about to call and leave a message that the thing had another motor stall, the nurse called about the bolus, well I stopped her, and told her we had more problems, than a bolus not right, and let her know what happened... this was in the middle of all of the horrible weather, rain, and I was not about to make a trip to Dallas for a 3rd time in a week, not in weather like that... luckily, one of the Medtronic Reps, drove all the way from Dallas, and came to the hospital here and met me to turn down the pump once again to mostly Off, no medication is being given basically, so again I can take the oral meds, and he was to "silence" the alarms, and yes they were until about an hour ago, and now for some reason, just like last Sunday, the "alarm" on the damned thing is going off again..... so I am not sure once again what is happening, because once he turned it to certain settings my own "PTM" that I use to check it and give myself the bolus' is not working. So, I have no clue what the "error message" is that it is giving.... Mom lost over 14 pounds in about 6 weeks, and I am still not having an easy time getting her to eat, and she is always confused about how to take her medication, no matter how many times I explain it, write it down, she even has a 7 day pill holder, but with the addition of a couple of new pills, she never gets it right... so I never know for sure if she is taking her medication, correctly, and when and as I said I have tried everything, from telling and explaining, to writing down the names, doses, and when to take it.... but none of that matters, she cannot get it right.... I have not even been able to go over there this weekend.... with both of these abscesses on my legs, and my pain pump stalled, I need to be close to home, plus the weather still sucks, it is cool, and cloudy, and dripping and I already feel like I have allergy mess like all of us since this rain came in and the weather changed so quickly..... but then the "trial" was supposed to be "next week" for the wreck Jim was in, in March 2014.. what a joke.... I cannot tell you what a freaking mess that entire thing is in, BUT I will tell you "how our lawyer feels" about me being sick..... after he spoke with me late Friday evening, and I told him ALL of what was going on, and he knew a part of it, because I had emailed him, but he did not know about the abscess stuff, because that had not happened yet... and his answer to me was, "Well, you KNOW you STAND TO LOSE a LOT OF MONEY if you do not testify!!!!!!!!! " and my comment back was ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD IS NOT WORTH MY HEALTH and what can I do with money if I DIE!? I am SO SICK OF THIS FREAKING TRIAL CRAP, AND IT IS A BUNCH OF CRAP! I wished i had never even been put into the "mix" of it all.... I stand to gain NOTHING ANYWAY, because, since we are divorcing, that means I am not "with him to help" so HE gains TWICE as much money since he will supposedly have to "hire" someone to take care of him.... and the lawyer gets all of a sudden 40%!!!!!!! I was told 30% in the beginning, which to me was too much, and now I know how he affords that huge, lavish, office on top of one of the largest buildings in Ft. Worth overlooking the entire city etc..... at 40% that does not leave MUCH for the injured party for sure.... I have kept quiet about this mess long enough.... I am SICK - MOM IS SICK, and I cannot even get my own church to put us on the prayer list! And it is funny HOW MUCH I HAVE GIVEN TO SO MANY because I wanted to, all types of help, information, and assistance, and YOU THINK ANYONE HAS ASKED IF I OR MOM NEED HELP??????? NO! So, the lawyer can KEEP his money, as I said if I am in a "Urn" or grave what the hell good is it to me?????? I have never "had money" and I never intended on "getting rich" off of an accident..... so they can take their money and shove it, because I wash my hands of it all..... the audacity of some to do and say what they do.... and furthermore, I want no "I am sorry" or it will get better crap either... I've heard that and it only GETS WORSE!!!!!!! Certainly NOT BETTER..... I do not think ANYONE UNDERSTANDS THE EXTENT of how serious my own health issues are at the moment, nor my Mom's.....

It is lie one day last week, I was looking at a newspaper online, probably from Corsicana. I happened to have seen an obituary about a woman from that area, and her, her husband and their entire family are very well known there. She had passed away, and I was trying to find how to get in touch with one of the sons.... he had helped me years ago, when I was having some really tough issues, and even came and took me out for my birthday in 2001, right after my heart attack. We went over to Waxahachie and ate and then he took me and bought me a box set of Stevie Nicks songs... that I have cherished and still have for years.... there were many times that I "hid" out there, when no one else "believed" what my "then jerk" of a husband was doing to me, and how much I felt threatened.... and him and I became "friends" and it was that, friends... he also had been through a tough divorce, had a "step-daughter" that totally made him almost hate kids, and I always felt I had a "safe haven" when I needed one.... even when he was not home, which he worked a lot, I could go if I needed to and stay..... I can still remember many times we spent listening to Brooks and Dunn, and several songs that totally "touched us" both at that time... and maybe.... just maybe if I had stayed in TX and not left for Seattle, something could have developed between us, but I left, it didn't... I come back and 10 years later, find myself again single....and then the irony hit.... I noticed in his Mom's Obituary it said something about she was "proceeded" in death by a son, and it was his name, I had to stop, blink and again, think gosh no, he was only about 3 years older than me, and even though he had a health issue, he actually had that under control, and was doing well.... but that was 10 years ago.... or a bit more.... actually longer than that, because I left TX, in October 2001 for Seattle.... and I did not return until Dec. 2005 and it is now 2015 so actually more like 13 or more years since our last conversation...... and then I do a search, and I find HIS OBITUARY! He passed away in 2012. I think... and I had no clue, have no idea why, how, if he got sick, or hurt, or what happened... my heart sunk... here was someone who honestly gave me the courage to get up, get out, and change my life, when everyone else thought I was the "one" with problems, and no one believed the other party had issues (until he wound up in prison, and is back again) - not even my own Dad believed me... he thought I was making it all up and I had the "problem"..... so, I was just at a loss, and trying to think of someone who might be able to tell me what happened... and there are a few people I could contact, but I am not sure I even want to "stir" that can of worms from BG....... so life can throw you a horrible curve ball, or MANY curve balls, and you never know when that ONE will be the "end"of your "earthly career"..... I am honestly MAD AS HELL right now - and normally the "hope" keeps me afloat, but at the moment I only see HURT and PAIN ahead, at 55 years old, my life totally sucks!

Life Ongoing and Fleeting, Memories of a Time that seems like a blink of an Eye ago, dealing with AI's, Lupus, RA, Friends or lack of them, & All we are thrown daily to contend with....

WOW! I bet a few of you are saying! It has been a long while since I posted so early. I used to be up by 5AM, and that all changed several months back. I began to stay up much later than I did, thus I find myself not getting up before the dawn appears. I am honestly not looking forward to cold weather. It at one time was almost my favorite time of year, especially around the 2-3 weeks of February. Not due to my birthday BUT that is when we always planned and went on our annual snow skiing trip... it happened to fall right around my birthday, and WOW, I planned for that all year long... before we even finished getting home good from one trip, I was already setting up a "Christmas fund" at the bank where I used to work, and that money was always for the trip & Christmas also. I watched the weather all the way up to that last moment, just thrilled to be going back to Wolf Creek Pass, and Pagosa Springs CO... and also Santa Fe NM... Some of my most incredible memories are wrapped around that time in my life and I would give anything to be able to go again... I am not so sure about the skiing anymore even though I would love to try once more... but that was long before knee replacements shoulder replacements, cervical neck surgery and autoimmune illnesses.... so it would also mean in order to snow ski, back to walking that 5 miles a day I did for the entire year before we went.... and even at that, it still wore me out to ski especially if we skied 4 days rather than 3... I did have several video's of us, we took a camera and taped us a couple of years, and right now I am not even sure where those are... since then with all of the moving etc... they have been placed gosh knows where, but I still can replay each moment in my mind... my favorite part which was like a half open pipe, the sides way high up so when I skied, I went up one side, down into the "pipe" and back up the other... everyone knew if I was difficult to find that was where I would be LOL....then there was the time, and I had a pair of NEON GREEN snow pants/snow suit - and it was a pretty sunny day and I had been headed through some trees, and as I made one last little jump, one of my skies decided to stay behind, so here I was sliding through the trees on my stomach flat and just laughing... some guy and his wife were behind me and saw it, and he yelled at me "Looks good from behind here"! OMG - His wife hit him.... LOL! another one of those "moments" that get etched in our minds, and something that I will never forget... like the outdoor hot tub and it snowing on you when your were in it, and the indoor pool we ran and got in as soon as we got out of the hot tub... and the place we ate breakfast each morning, where the Elk came came a hill on the other side of the road and we watched them each morning, or the Mexican Food place we ate at when we got back from skiing - and they would fix me a "hot toddy" because I would always come in with a sore throat... LOL!!!! and how Pagosa Spings (which was like "Hot Springs Arkansas) due to the hot springs there the entire town smelled like rotten eggs.... LOL... you just got used to it after a day or so... and it did not matter because.... I WAS SNOW SKIING! I could sit here and almost write a novelette about my experiences going skiing for many years there during my 30's I believe.... and why that came to mind this morning, I am not sure, maybe the Winter/Fall chill in the air, or the fact, that rather than think about ALL I need to get done, I would much rather think of just how incredible those years were for myself, friends and my kids even went a couple of times... that was when Amanda my daughter was probably about 8 or so and the first time I sent her for "lessons"... she came walking down the hill with one ski in her hand... and I thought she was hurt... no, but the tree she ran into was bruised and her ski broken! LOL! She decided she did not need lessons, so off she went on the "bunny slope" herself, ran into a tree and busted the boot off of her ski first rattle out of the box! Thank goodness they were rented and insured so we got a new one right away! :) Those years have come and gone, but the memories made will remain brightly lit in my mind forever.... (or I hope they will).... Lately, life has been nothing more than one big ball of knotted, tied up, strung out, a mess of a ball of thread... it seems everywhere I turn there is something I need to do, somewhere I need to be, or an errand to run, medication to pick up, and now I have to all a plumber today... I thought I had remedied my problem but I have not, thus now I plumber has to be called and I don't look forward to that... it does not take long for a bill to get large when you have to call in a professional... in all of my undertakings, as FINALLY I FIXED A LAMP that my Mom had and it quit working. It is a pretty lamp, nothing wrong but I knew the "socket" had gone bad in it... well I bought the kit, with even a new cord in it, just so I would make sure ALL was new... it took me about 5 days in all to figure it out, and even though it was not difficult, in my head I had a portion that I was seeing to be more difficult than it was... so on Friday, it dawned on me what I was doing wrong, and sure enough, I got it all together and working! So, my DIY skills can work still, sometimes it just takes longer than it used to... same way with anything now days... I find myself yesterday in need of needing to sweep well (Swiffer), then "Wet Swiffer" my hardwood floors and mop my kitchen... and then I needed to vacuum, dust, etc... BUT, it took me so long to just get the hardwood floors done, in between all of the other "little" things I had to do, that by the time I was ready to vacuum, it was already after 4PM, I had told Mom I would drop by an lite her heater again, so I had to stop, decide to vacuum "tomorrow" so today, and then I wondered why it took me so long to do those floors??? I used to have been able to clean the bathroom, do all of that vacuuming, dusting, mopping the hardwood flooring, and so on, and still have plenty of time... but not anymore... for one, my energy is not what it used to be... I am much slower about things now... I had not been to church in 2 Sundays to do being sick, so I wanted to make sure I went yesterday. So, even though I knew I would come home to "chores" I got dressed and went to church first...yet by the time I ran home, changed clothes, went and picked up a couple of things from 2 stores, got home, and done that cleaning, it was already 4PM! By the time I got over to Mom's, lit her heater, visited for a bit, and got home it was already almost 5:30 and I had no clue what I wanted to have for dinner... and Bub's was looking at me like, "Hey, you have to feed us!" LOL!!! I almost settled for PBJ Sandwich, but I had some leftovers I managed to warm up and add a bit to, so he and I had a good dinner.... I guess he did he was not really even wanting dessert later in the evening when we watched a movie! Now, once again it is Monday - another ONE OF THOSE! I am sure that sounds silly for someone who is disabled, and does not have to "leave home" for work any more... but you know, I still have as much if NOT MORE to do now, and a lot less energy to deal with it all... so "Monday" is also one of those "Mondays" for myself also... it is trash day, and the beginning of usually errands, doctors, meds, running, phone calls and "stuff" to take care of... and that is exactly right... I have a list on a smaller yellow pad BUT it is 2 PAGES long! So, just because I am no longer "employed" outside of the house, I still have a ton of stuff to take care of... I need to have some of my meds refilled, and call to schedule an appt for my Mom at one of her doctors, and take Bub's to the Vet in the next couple of days, he needs his rabies shot and his back toenails cut which I DREAD! Neither of my dogs liked their feet touched... and he actually "nipped" at the Vet's assistant last time I had him in, so that means I have to "muzzle" him and I hate that!!! Thus of course his nails are way too long and no matter how I try he will not let me cut them... I have tried every thing in my power to get him to let me cut his nails, but him and Tazzy hated their feet messed with... ONE THING I WILL do differently with a new pup.... CUT THEIR NAILS RIGHT OFF MYSELF... and avoid having to take them in, have to muzzle one, like Bub's, and it saves a great deal of time and heart ache for me, because I just hate having to put that thing on him....and I even tried at home at one time to muzzle him, but he is so strong with his front paws, that he can pull it off, if I don't have anyone to help hold his feet down while I do muzzle him... so to the Vet we go, and I know she will faint, because most women would envy how long my dogs nails got and get... it is just nuts... but since they are in the house, they don't wear them down like outside dogs do....

I've been in such a tangled mess with my life in the past several months... I feel as if I am NEVER "caught up" - I always feel like I am 5 steps behind what I need to be doing, I am so slow at everything... I even had my hair cut all off short, so I don't have to take time with it because I feel as if I can spend that time doing something else other than messing with my hair...but the sad thing is I bought color for it gosh, 3 or 4 weeks ago I guess, and I STILL HAVE NOT found the time to color it! Something else always seems to take priority or by the time I may find a moment to do it, I am too tired to fool with it, so here it sits on my desk, as a reminder of one of the MANY things that need to be done....

As I stopped a moment to make out a Birthday Card for My Granddaughter, Heather, who will be 18 on the 30th of this month, again memories flood my heart, she met me when she was only 2 years old, and "Nana Pam" now is what her and both of her brothers call me. I've been able to "watch" them grow up through here, Facebook, - my daughter has been so great about posting all of their vacations, school functions, prom, homecoming, football season, Heather being a cheerleader, in volleyball, their vacations, the boys and all of the excursions they go on with their Dad and their Mom, my daughter Amanda, and again, how time has flown by so quickly just makes me wonder how life can go by within the beat of a heart, within a breaths space.. it seems I just met her - a tiny little thing, and here she is all grown up about to be 18 and off to college! My how life can truly rush by... at times I am sad because I am far enough away that I have not been there physically to witness all of their triumphs, but as I said my daughter blesses me with so many photo's of all of their special times that I feel like a piece of me is always there - watching as they grow into young guys and soon Heather a young woman off to college to follow her own dreams.

I often "feel" for our kids now days. This world has truly changed so much, and in many ways, NOT GOOD! There is so much more rivalry, rather than chivalry out there now... where there used to be goodness and gratefulness, has been moved to being greedy and just down right hateful and mean.... people are "bitter" about so many things, and of course in some ways, they have the right to be bitter. When you stop a moment, and think of all the horror daily not just in other countries but right here on our own soil, in our schools, colleges, Malls, everywhere there are "people" there seems to be a "person" which is is difficult to call someone a "person" when they want to do harm to other innocent people... but it is all around us... NONE of us "immune" from that fact.

Yet, there are still "good people" those who are kind and generous. They do for others, and not because they have to, but because they "want to".... I have a dear friend who is really going through a very tough time .... she is fighting the big "C" word, after having it back a first time while we were basically still in High School - and then here it is 30 plus years later, and again she is battling it... trying to work, never has a bad thing to say about anyone else, an is always so very grateful for those around her that do all they can to help, out of the kindness of their hearts, not because they "have to", but because they "want to"....

And I partially because most of my family is gone, My Dad and all of his siblings, parents and so forth passed away, and even some of his cousins and so on also gone. I was basically an only child, and have a "half brother" but he was at least 15 years plus older than me, went into the Air Force and spent 20 years much of it overseas in England. He retired from the service years ago and then they settled in North Richland Hills in the Dallas area and he was working for one of the big helicopter flight simulator places I believe. So, my Mom's parents have both passed away, she has lost both siblings, an older brother and his wife, and lately her younger sister to cancer... so when it comes to "family" especially close family, I really only have Mom and my two kids and of course my daughter's family. Even at that they are hours and hours away, and my son, also at least an hour or so away, with a job of his own, and life to also deal with.

So, last week when it came time to try and "adopt" a pup I did not realize the entire realm of red tape involved. It has been years since the last time I actually adopted a cat or dog... my last two, Tazz was a Christmas present and we bought her in Seattle, and Bub's I also bought him when he was just a puppy.... so when I get this email wanted ALL of this stuff and THREE references - asking ALL about my home, yard, how I was with my past animals etc... I was like I don't have that many people that are here close enough to give me 3 of them... but Jim was gracious enough to fill one out and my Mom helped me out, and hopefully with those, and everything I've told them, along with Vet records from my current one, whom is just a sweetheart and I am so happy she is back in town also... we went to school together... and then my other Vet that took care of them for years before Venetia Shafer at BlueBonnet Vet Clinic came back... I am hoping that is enough .... I've been racking my brain to think of someone else... of course my daughter could help out or my son, but they are so busy, taking to time fill out a long form for them is difficult... with kids, jobs, home and so on, I can't believe they keep up with everything as it is....

I guess that is the one thing I hope "joining the Methodist Church" would help me with... now that it is just myself and Bub's... I have Mom, but really no one that is a "close friend"... and a couple of people "close to me" but not like we do things together etc... so I was hoping by getting involved back in Church, and hoping to find some other things to participate in, I would find some "friends"... and we all know with the autoimmune illnesses, the Lupus, RA and so forth... my life "daily schedule" varies from one moment to the next... depending on how I feel, or how Mom is doing...

I also realized that if it were not for my Mom, I have no one to "assist" me with anything, say this plumbing issue... or anything like that... I don't "know" enough people well enough in town, even though I have been here for all my life for the most part, I guess due to my "life when married" I kept myself more at home, almost locked away, busy with those things, I did not get out in the community to meet others... and here I am 55 years old... and unlike a couple of my friends, or like my neighbor, they have "friends" that are helping them building a two car HUGE GARAGE that is as big as my home! I "Lack" that type of support system... I am "new" to the church, been going now for about 3 months, but sick some of that time... I have not gotten out and about to meetings, or even to the Saturday Farmer's Market and so forth, so I must find the "funds" to pay for my plumber, or have work that is so in need on my home, or any and everything that comes up, there is not anyone I can have that could help out... and you know, that frightens me honestly... of course I have my Mom... and my daughter and son, but they are as I said hours away, and have their own jobs, lives, and so on... so I am upset with myself... that I have allowed myself to stay "almost too alone" to have any kind of support system... my neighbors have "helped" some, but I have been quite honestly upset with one in particular... he used to always be here asking if we needed anything... when Jim was here, he constantly was mowing the lawn, and I usually paid him, even when he said he did not want it... but I knew they needed the money at that time... and my other neighbors have a very ill Mom they take care of and another one is up in age, and she needs help herself... so it gets to this spot in life, that you begin to think, what would I do if I needed this, that or the other... I can guarantee my Social Security Check pays the bills barely, and that is all... in fact I am very upset with my car insurance, it seems every time they bill me, that bill is higher, even though my car is older... and now I must spend Lord knows how much time trying to find a "new" and hopefully better Medicare Advantage Plan... the one I chose for this year has sucked more than I can say, and they are someone I would NEVER ever recommend to anyone! I am extremely disappointed in AARP for even "sponsoring them" - they have done some really horrible things this year to their patients, and I am just mad as hell honestly, because now I must spend days trying to find another plan that will cover ALL of my doctors, my medications and that is a hard thing to do now days... our doctors are all shy of even Medicare and a supplement these days... they DO NOT get paid for months and sometimes a year or more, thus they are leery.... Well, I need to get busy on other stuff as you can see, but I wanted to take time to first tell those who do help THANK YOU! Whether a kind word, or support of my advocacy etc.... I appreciate all of you.... and to let you know there are many things right now in my own life that are frightening.... I am going through a great deal of emotional distress... and "losing" a relationship after 13 years and then losing Tazzy after 3 years, have really put me in a place of even more distress.... there are other things playing into this but, I shall stay quiet for now about those.... but to all, remember the great memories and hold them close... remember time is fleeting, and before you know it, you are in your mid 50's and wonder what the heck you really have done in this life.... and to hold on to whom and what is dear to you.... Rhia

"Comfort Food?" Sweet, Salty, Tart, Citrus, Beef, Chicken, Pork.. Chinese, Tex-Mex, Hometown American, French, ORA is it another? WEGO #HAWMC

#HAWMC
WEGO Health Writer's Challenge April 10, 2015

Friday and What We like for "Comfort Food?" Do I cook, bake, and make most meals at home "from scratch?" The answer is YES! I am a home grown Texas/Czech background, and my tastes very widely. Fro, made here in our town "Klobase" (usually half pork and half venison with LOTS of black pepper) stuffed into a casing and smoked in a smoker, to Poppy Seed rolls, Kolaches (sweet pastry dough with prune, cream cheese, apricot, or other types of filling put in a little "well" in the middle of the dough. Then allowed to rise and then bake. Just to name a few down home "Czech" favorites around my home town.

I've been one that LOVES to bake sweets all my life. From fudge, to "no-bake fruitcakes". From Red Velvet Cakes, to lemon custard pie, you name it I love to bake it.

I also am quite the user of a "slow cooker" or "crock pot", depending on what name you choose to call it.

So, if I had to pick a favorite that I cook, and consider "comfort food" is a bit difficult for me. I LOVE sweets so well, and usually if I am stressed or upset, the first thing I think is, cookies, pie, cake, or just about anything sweet around.

But, my home made all from scratch slow cooker low in fat, carbs and calories has to be my favorite to cook, and what I would say is my favorite "comfort food".

My chili contains very little "beef". I know that sounds nuts, but I use "ground turkey" for a large portion of the "meat". Then I usually buy a very small portion of beef, usually something like "stew meat" or a piece of a cheaper piece of beef, because I know it will definitely tenderize by the time it is ready to eat. I also for the mot part have cut down a large amount of the "tomato" base for my chili. Both my husband and I have problems with GERD, thus one of the reasons I first of all make my own chili, and enough for several meals to freeze, plus I can keep up with the calorie count in the portions making sure I put in it, what I want to taste it like when I'm through.

I also rather than so much "meat" of any kind put LOTS of different types of beans in it. Quite often I'll have some of my pinto beans in the freezer, and I use some of them in the chili But, I also pick up about 10 cans of different types of beans to go into it. I love the very dark kidney beans, and the light ones also I also use a few cans of black beans, red beans and if I don't have any of my own cooked, then I add a couple of cans of pinto beans into the mix. It varies, but usually there are on the average of 10 cans of all different types that truly give it that thickness and hardiness that chili needs. Plus I rinse all of them off to rid a great deal of the sodium in them, plus I don't want the juices in those cans to "mix" with the taste of the chili, Then I add several different types of steak sauces into it. I try to limit myself to 1 can of either tomato paste, or better a can of roasted tomatoes in it. From the couple of steak sauces, to the tiny amount of tomato, then I put some white or yellow finely chopped onion into it, a bay leaf, a good deal of chili powder (we like a lot but it is up to your preference) as far as how much to use. What I do is start out with a bit less of all of my spices. I allow the entire thing to come to a good boil in the cooker, then add more as it cooks. There is cumin it in, a bit of paprika that is more for color than taste, LOTS of black pepper, some sea salt, but I try and stay away from as much sodium as possible without ruining the flavors of the chili. Sometimes I put some chopped garlic in it, but just a tiny amount. I don't want to overpower the other spices with too much garlic.

As it cooks, if it seems to be too thick then in small amounts I add very hot water to it, then wait and watch before I add more.

My very favorite way to eat it is usually the next day, after it has cooks for 8 t0 10 hours in the slow cooker, with corn chips, mustard and a bit of grated cheese on it. If you are not familiar with "Frito Chili Pie"... probably more of a Southern/Texan sort of dish, then you are missing out for sure.

Cooking as a whole has always been another one of the ways that I tend to get rid of my stress. Once I'm in the kitchen, then my attention is completely focused on whatever I am preparing. There are many great memories surrounding me from years past when I am baking or cooking. We always had a huge dinner at my Grandparents home all the years I was growing up. Most of the cousins were about the same age, so Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and others give me that special feeling as a child of the love that was shared and prepared in that kitchen.

My Grandmother who was full Czech, took care of me the years before I went to school. So, I spent lots of time in the kitchen with her, watching, then getting old enough to help and those memories also hold a very special place in my heart. Even though she has been gone now for about 12 years, the special times in her kitchen will always remain vivid in my thoughts.


#HAWMC

"Things Remembered" - #HAWMC - WEGO Writers Challenge April 8th 2015

This is probably one of the simplest of all things for me to write about.Without one doubt my "Grandmothers" blanket that has satin/silk border around the entire thing is and always will be something near and dear to my heart.

It was hers and she kept it in beautiful shape actually for me. I have to say I've worn out MANY blankets with the satin/silk border on them. So even though this one that was my Grandmother's is not the "original" it of course still holds the many memories of me rubbing the silk on my blanket. I've kept them each for many, many years. Once I found one, that had the exact type of "satin" border I loved to rub, I would keep it until every little bit of that was rubbed off before I would give it up.

I have "rubbed" silk on a blanket as far back as I can remember. I guess even before I can recall it, Mom said I did that rather than sucking my thumb etc. I found it a bit embarrassing to say I still do this, and here I am just over 50 years old. but, I do it out of being stressed. Or, if I am sick, or down with a bad flare, then I want that blanket. I will rub that satin anytime I am down and out, stressed out, feeling lousy, the silk is like something that calms me down.

My Grandmother passed away over 12 years ago, yet I still have such incredible memories of her each time I put that blanket on my side of the bed.

I also have another item, that is about as near and dear to me, that in fact is also something from my Grandmother,  She had a cookie jar that was covered in different kinds of "cookies". It was ceramic and has a "walnut" for the top on the lid. I LOVED that cookie jar from the time I was old enough to watch her bake in the kitchen. She just about always had home made, from scratch cookies, almost like a tea cake, and they had one "whole half of a pecan" in the middle of each cookie.

I had said for many, many years, that if something happened to my Grandmother I wanted that cookie jar. There were many beautiful pieces of china and silver that we had given her over the years. Yet, that cookie jar held and still holds so many awesome childhood memories for me that take me back to a much more serene, simple time in my life.

So, after she passed away, my Mom made sure it was saved for me. Along with it, was two of my Grandfather's fishing reels, because I fished with him and Dad when I was young, and of course the blanket. Also, I have a completely by hand done quilt that she also did for me.

So, as time continues to pass by, faster it seems with each day, there are a couple of "material" items that always help to bring back those wonderful times when I played under the shade trees at home in the Summer with my table and chairs, or fished for "crawdads" in the ditches around my Grandparents house, watched Dad garden, take care of quail he used to raise, go fishing, go to the deer lease, vacations, and many, many incredible memories at my Grandparents home, from all of our family holiday dinners, to just how wonderful it was to have a place that almost felt like a refuge from life when it seemed almost too much to bear. 

"Empowerment" When All of Life "Strength" that had Sustained You - Suddenly is Gone - as I Thief in the Night

Honestly, I am here to write, yet I am not sure the words shall even come. The other day I had posted on Facebook and one of my friends there mentioned "I wished I had the knowledge and know how to write things, and say things as you do, Rhia".
I have given thought to that over the past week, and tried to also allow that place, that suddenly was so engrained in me, to be jerked right out from underneath me. The very core of my world was shaken on March 26th 2014.
As many of us, we have events that come into our world "that shake us down into that deep dark cavern" of where we just don't really heed was is going on or not. As the days have gone by, and I have tried to reach into my very soul, and pull out all of the things that are so precious to me, and I mean within myself, I realized even more so that a happening such as the catastrophe like my husbands car crash, not only shook me off my foundation, it has left me in a place of "shock" that I have yet to come out of, I am not sure that anyone else "caught it" or not, but his accident fell exactly one day before my Dad passed away in 2005. If my memory serves me right ( and I cannot say that is does at all) I believe Dad passed away on Easter Sunday, March 27th 2005. It hit me that very evening when we first arrived at Baylor Hospital in Dallas, that it was almost 9 years to the day of these two things happening. In a way, and maybe they also remembered but chose to not say anything either due to the circumstances that were happening at that moment. thus some of my family may have recalled it also. I just have not brought it up, for why at this time pour salt into an open wound, as the saying goes.
In such a very short span of time SO MANY things can change. Until you are thrown into the situation yourself, whatever the circumstances might be, you really cannot imagine ALL of the complexities something like this causes. From me not having my head on straight, and accidentally moving more money from an account than I intended to, so I did not realize that one of my bills that goes through bill pay had not cleared. So, here I was thinking things were fine, then I find out I did too much of a transfer into an account, and then that bill payment came through that I thought already had, so I overdrew my acct. by $.21... I felt so ashamed I was just going to bite the bullet and let it stay and me make it up, but one of the sweetest ladies there happen to have seen it, and asked me what happened. And as I told her, just all of that going on, and I took some money thinking I was good, and put it over into an acct... yet it was more than I really wanted to move, then the bill comes through I thought had been paid days and days before. She as she is, she went to the bank manager and got it reversed for me. But, still, you just don't realize how many things in your life are totally "wrecked" within the wreck I guess you could say, I catch myself looking for my car to go wash it, or now I have a very hard time sitting her at the computer. I was so used to him and I being here across from one another. Even though we may not utter a word to each other for hours, it was just the fact, we were here together. I find myself wandering through this tiny house, and wandering around in the yard, thinking I should just mow it myself. I should be able to mow those basically weeds down... and I need to spread the granules out for the fleas, and spray around the porches, and put ot fire bait, and now I have our bedroom, the ridiculous bathroom, and more over that stupid back room junk catch all room is all going to go. I am going to pitch about 90 percent of it out in trash can bags. I have stuff back there that I will NEVER use what so ever... and I know just from cleaning the windows and laundering the curtains in the other rooms, it just looked and smelled so much more fresh this morning. So, I know allow that pile of crap to go out of there, will again, give me a "new" lease on life.

I just can tell there are some thing that my brain is not quite comprehending... or if I don't have a note or a list (which was already an issue for me) then I am just not on "target".


May 1st, 2014


Ah, the "sounds", Sights", smells, and renewed feelings that come with the rebirth of Spring. The trees opening up their green leaves, as the wildflowers start to pop open. Of course the birds where we are and all of their "voices".... just an amazing sound on a Spring morning just as dawn breaks... and like a silent whisper into a rather loud victory march, the sun comes forth to warm us up once more. Assuredly we can't say that weather has been "odd".... odd, hell, down right insane. I had golf ball sized hail just last week pounding down up us, and you have to wonder are they all practicing with balls of ice for "T-Ball" season... they can absolutely do damage,that is for sure.

although just as quickly as that "rogue" storm marched in, it left us, only to leave a path of destruction from Louisiana to the Florida Panhandle. Yet, on the other side of the nation, California dealing with their the Santa Anna winds and the driving force in fires that burn thousands of acres and hundreds of homes... and they have just barely started.

I've I had tough go of it this past two weeks once again. I have felt lousy and not quite myself, since before I left for DC the last of March. And even half joked about us all going to have pneumonia on the Tuesday we went to the Capitol. It was snowing huge, very wet flakes and it was cold.... even with an umbrella, coat and wrap it was not very pleasant weather to say the least.

What was to follow on that fated trip... came as a shock wave... a tidal of disbelief, and every kind of emotion you could be possibly dream of. I have tried my best to not question, "why"... because if I need to know then it will be revealed to me. I still believe we have the "will" to take our own paths, yet we are somewhat predestend as to what those paths are. I have began to already realize things about me, that I did not know existed, until that day of the accident. And I also realized for the 1st time in my life, it was okay to say "no", I can't. I never thought about me ever "refusing" to help someone, or do something for someone, but I have to had to make those choices these past weeks. I can't be in three places at once, I cannot run on 3 hours of sleep for long, I have to have time to decompress, or I will and am ill. You can throw in the Lupus, Sjogren's, RA, and all of the other issues physically but the point it that I allowed myself to say, yes, yes, yes when I should have been politely saying not this time, but on the next go round I hope to have some sanity back in my life. I continue to find it difficult to even write here... even though I have a billion things to talk about... my new car, which is awesome, the progress Jim has made which is fantastic, Spring coming out, and hopefully getting an oral surgeon closer to begin the journey about my teeth. I can say eventually I will have the prettiest smile I've ever had for sure. I am wide awake, yet I honestly don't want to do this either, and coming from me that is terrible.... I once again have misplaced that inner voice, that keeps me coming back to write over and over again... it has hidden itself now for awhile, and when it finally reveals itself it will have much to do to make up on.

May 26th 2014

It has been awhile... too long really. I've not even truly been here but glad I have come in to see that many people had been following along on my blog lately. I am not sure if they is due to the horrible accident, my wanting to go and then enjoying DC so very much (and I apologize) I WILL talk about it soon. I've just not had the strength to "face" that very last hour or so of that fateful day. Thus trying to tell about ALL of the very incredible things I learned in DC and moreover how many wondrous people I met... it has truly been one of the greatest trips in my life. I surely hope I get "picked" or get into the "platinum status" for Ambassador before next Summit, so I maybe able to go again. I certainly will if the chance arises again.

I've been trying mentally and emotionally with my "reasoning" behind why I am having suck a difficult time of putting words and sentences together.... I am so embarrassed by it, that I have almost am in fear to post anything I write, because my fear is it will not make much sense. I know when I had the pneumonia, I had not been able to type anything that made any sense what so ever. I was terrified the day that happened. That is one say that I was probably more in fear for what was going on with me then any other day I can think of as far as my own self. I was trying to type out an email... I continued over and over to misspell, to type incorrectly, to use the wrong words for what I was trying to say... and as I stood up and realized I was hallucinating so badly... I felt faint but I was hearing things and seeing things. that were not there... I was just walking around the house like a crazy person! I just could not imagine what was happening to me. I had not taken any new meds, I had felt lousy, but I had been fighting a kind of like sore throat thing off and on and felt so drained of energy, but what was causing this so extremely unusual feeling... like I my faint, dizzy, my brain just not "working".... my first thought was to take myself to the Urgent Care Clinic across town. So, Happened Mom had her car that day back so she could go to church that morning, so I called her and let her know something was not right... Thus she came and got me and took me to Urgent Care... Thank goodness, the doctor that saw me happened to also be one of our ER physicians, so that worked out well. He was concerned enough to really send me to ER but then after we saw the lung XRays and he knew I really did not feel like going to ER and further being poked, stuck, blood drawn etc put through another battery of tests, the sent home with probably the say thing he gave me... high powered antibiotics, cough medication, an inhaler, and other pills for my breathing... so fortunately I got home, got on the sofa with my meds and the puppies and we were there all except for the very necessary done... all other stuff was put off until I felt better. Then both my cardiac doctor and my PCP BOTH still here the pneumonia in my lungs. So, I had another round of antibiotics, also my 2nd infusion of Rituxan has been postponed until my lungs are completely clear on an X-ray.... and in the mean time I am hurting like hell due to the lack of a biologic...I t has been a very rouogh 3 or 4 days... Jim is home and he is of course working much harder not having the wheelchair and relying solely on the cane... and me just trying to get used to all of the things that are different now as he takes over a new "home" and new ways to discover how to do things. So, we are "okay" he does to Outpatient Therapy on Wednesday, tomorrow... in Waxahachie..... and for me I am working on getting these teeth all pulled and the "mini implants" put in ... along with insurance to hopefully pay 60 percent of it! Again we take a step forward daily and learn to adapt to this new course... this new pathway of life.....

(Edited AAI & Decisions of Life) "Murphy's Law... or more like Rhia tumbles once again down the hill..

Dammit!!! I am so Miffed and Ticked off! Something happened and an electrical transformer blew and shut everyone's electricity off!!!!So, when that happened EVEN with a surge protector! So, I am trying to use an very OLD laptop that sucks!!! We are in the process of ordering me a new one, so I am stuck with this for now. I wanted to let everyone know. PLEASE BARE/BEAR or (maybe I sound like a "grouchy old bear)...  with ME a couple of days. I have some of my files on this one, but I have lots on my external hard drive that this old lap top won't work with!!!!It takes what seems like hours to even post here!!!! I am just feeling like hell just opened up and swallowed me today!! Everything that could happen I think happened, I dropped all of some of my pills in the floor and on the cabinet. I went to the market, and dropped a few of my plastics (card) in the floor. You name it, it has happened. Then as I said all of a sudden the lights were gone, and I heard the "bang". And I was the one that called it in. We had no lights for about an hour. lights came in, everything great EXCEPT ME!!! I am not sure I will make another blog post until I get the new one. And I will post this there so anyone coming to my blog will understand. I sat in the floor and literally cried my yes out under my desk, I was SO UPSET!!! This is the LAST thing we needed, We are already strapped for the green stuff, and now I face this. And this is no "loaf of bread" to buy...

UPDATE to the DAY from Hades : 

I did get the new IMac ordered earlier this week. :) I also did get to finance it for UP TO 6 months and no interest charges. That is awesome! I hope to pay it off the first of January, but at least I have an option and do not have to fork over money to them for interest. I got the message this morning that it is on it's way via Fed Ex. It's coming from California. They say "estimated" to arrive by next Tuesday! Let's freaking hope it makes better times than that since Fed Ex has it now. I pray for tomorrow... LOL.. but I have a feeling it will not be delivered tomorrow even if it does arrive in Dallas by tonight or early morning. Although if I would have not stood around trying to decide which one I wanted it may have arrived today. Yes, I know, patience is a virtue... and all things that are good, are worth waiting for... and the days go by quickly, it is a weekend before a holiday, relax... you can do a few things on this "dinosaur" of a laptop. Actually I could do most of my stuff on my I-Pad, which is faster. Yet, the I-Pads' keyboard and myself do not see eye to eye. I have a difficult time doing a huge amount of keying in on it. I do recall that I could use  my wireless (and by the way solar powered) keyboard with it. Although by the time I go through all of that, my new IMac will arrive and it will be a mute point. Besides I have PLENTY I can FIND to do at home. From moving Winter clothes to the front of my "walk-in" (might as well say go in inside ways if your lucky) closet (we have to "invent" closets in this house when we bought it, there were NONE) and putting the Summer stuff at the back, if possible. PLus I can look around and see that as MUCH as I love "knick-knacks" , keepsakes from trips, and just in general vases, glassware and so forth that have some kind of sentimental value to them for me, I have TOO MUCH STUFF now! Our home is very small. And believe me, I've had to get in the "extreme" parts of decorating when we moved in. LOL, and in some ways not just "extreme" more like miraculous ways to make space for everything. I still love it, don't get me wrong, but with all of the problems with my hands these days not wanting to cooperate due to the RA, and the advanced damage in my thumbs especially, I just can't keep all of it washed frequently and/or dusted, and I am beginning to look around, feeling like I "pack rat" as we call those who save everything. 

I know my husband Jim, would say that my type of "rat packing" is more or less a great thing of sorts.  If I save it, then i have some way in the back of my mind I will re-use it. If not then it goes straight to the recycle bin. If it can't be recycled in this silly small town, then I take it either where it can, or give it to a place here in town called "Souls Harbor"... sounds like the name of a place to be "harbored" from being out in the cold or something! LOL! Actually that name has been with it ever since it opened I guess. I recall as a child my parents taking things there. Everyone in town says first thing if you are talking about getting rid of something, take it to Souls Harbor. Actually as crazy as it may sound... many things for instance like my "precious" old computer chairs, old vacuum cleaner, along with several items that either "need" a slight fix, or we decide we don't need that are larger items such as that, we put them in the front lawn out by the street, with a "free" sign. By the time you go inside and come back out in less than an hour it will all be gone!   There are a couple of men that collect scrap metal, old washers, dryers, and furniture... and take it where it can be recycled. As far as anything else, these new light bulbs, plastic bags (if I even have any, I use only reusable ones for the most part), in cartridges, old glasses and anything that can be recycled that I know about, I do so. 

Needless to say, part of this post is definitely about autoimmune illnesses and how they effect our daily lives. Things such as clothes now days with the closet so small, must be arranged as much as possible so I can reach them, or even get to them. I have two racks on one side, and the top one is almost impossible for me to reach up to now, thus my "current" season clothing is put on the lower racks so I can reach them. About the dusting all of "memorabilia" I have. That is another nightmare now days. I was able to do so fairly frequently. Now I do well to get the floor vacuumed, dusting around just where I need to, baking or cooking, doing laundry, and just the daily chores we have in life, much less making more work for myself by having to clean and dust intricate items, or just finding a spot t store them in.  It is about time for me to have a "throw out" party. Everything that I feel is in the way, is not in 6 to 9 months, has been not read (although I find it very hard to get rid of any books)... but magazines go to our local library, good clothing either to our local place that take clothes to help others, or again our Souls Harbor takes good used clothing in and sells it for pennies. 

I know many of you are thinking this post rings a bell with you. Women especially tend to be more sentimental about items such as that. We want to save them for a good memory, or to hand down to our kids, or thinking we just can't throw out something that could be useful for something someday! Then you are ran over by a Mack Truck of Autoimmune Arthritic illness/(es) ; only to discover we may have the "mindset" to keep those things, but our bodies have a totally different opinion!