How does one find "hope" when your life feels like the meaning is gone... Chronic Illness, and Chronic Pain how it takes its "toll" on your mind, body, life and soul.

Lots on my mind... I miss "life", I miss what I loved so much, that I feel was lost in "translation" somewhere along the way. I've not had much to say, because I cannot stop the tears from falling. I've been trying to pull myself out of this "funk" but honestly, I cannot find motivation to do much of anything.

Living from surgery to surgery, not knowing from one day to the next what will happen as far as my stupid Lupus, RA and such, not having the love in my life that I had, I feel so adrift, so lost... There is so much to say, but I am so choked up that I cannot even find enough words to type, write, and I feel "useless"... I always had something to look forward to each morning, I always had "plans" dreams, had faith, and all of that has just faded into memories... 

I told a friend this morning that now I know why as much as I love music, I find myself almost unable to listen to it... used to I had the radio on, everywhere, all the time, or the I-pod on walking, and now it's too hurtful to listen to what hurts so deeply in my soul... too many of the very songs I loved, bring back too many memories, and I've lost just about everything that I've ever loved, and held so precious. I used to be able to find a way to pull others out of this kind of horrid emotion, yet I cannot find a way to pull myself out of it... I feel so "forgotten".... and I think that is because I made the mistakes, that made others "forget".... I blame me, for much of that....

All that I "lived for", hoped for, had faith in, over the years the constant concern, over my own health, and my loved ones health... then the surgeries, many, and the severity of pain, sometimes even with medications, it seems it is relentless... and then to think that you may "lose" how far your life has come, fighting to find relief, find great physicians, that understand, and try to help make you more comfortable so you can find greatness in life and love again, could be thrown out by the governmental bodies, that have not one clue what we endure on a daily basis.

If someone would have told me in 2004, that I would lose the love of my life, that I would have to endure so much chronic illness and pain, that I would find myself so lost, and feel as if anything that I was ever "worth" or worthy of, no longer am I worthy or worth anything.... not worthy of being loved, not "worth" the paper either of my published books are on, and that all I hoped to do in the future, to help others, I find I am drowning in so much heartache, that I feel nothing, but pain, loss, and see no way I could help anyone, when I no longer can help myself.

I cannot sleep, I live with severe cold night sweats, and night terrors, ever since my husband left me, just walked out after 13 years, and then my Mom passing away in 2016... I've lost all will to "walk on"... to "look forward"... I stand stagnant, I cannot find the words to express the severity of gloom that deems to cover my heart, my soul with a darkness, that I am not sure I will ever get out of... not a "hole" but just an ever surrounding era of darkness, and each day, I used to think it would get better, things would change, I would find the "light" again. Yet, light only makes it hurt worse.

When i look in the mirror, at myself now... I don't see the "young at heart" 50 plus year old I was... I see the older, lonely broken-hearted woman, that who would want to have any longer? The Sjogren's took all of my teeth nearly 4 years ago... that was one of the things in my life, I never wanted to have to go through... it is a "loss" that makes your reflection in the mirror so different... you feel "older", your feel any "beauty" you had has been suddenly taken away... I used to be overly obsessive because my teeth were pretty crooked, but then when you lose ALL of them... and have to try and endure total dentures, at a young age, they never are "like" anyone says that they are... they are just a total pain, in the mouth, in having to deal with them, in you not wanting anyone to see you without them...


I'm also dealing with a different "medical issue" that I have brought up to my doctors several times, but I've still not really gotten an answer, or what to do about it...


I've been having heck with "nighttime cold clammy sweats"...NOT a "hot flash" but I wake up shivering, my clothes, pillow, and bed sheets completely soaked in sweat. I've also had night mares horribly and have an issue about waking up around 3 to 4 am each morning, and not able to go back to sleep. I had quit drinking coffee because of my GERD, and didn't drink any for about 2 years or more. 

But, recently, even with the heat, I've almost "craved" coffee but only early in the morning. I have mentioned these cold shivering mainly happening night sweats to my doctor several times and really expressing that it concerns me. I don't think it is "hormonal related" because as I said above, it's not like a "hot flash" and 99% of the time they come on in the middle of the night almost at the same time. In fact, the past two nights it's been really bad. I had to get up, get my thick robe last night, and as "warm" as it is, I had to put that robe on and sleep in it, because I was shivering I am so cold. About 2 weeks ago, I had one before I went to bed. I felt it coming on, and it usually starts on the back of my neck or my head becomes suddenly soaked, then the rest of my body follows... so I've done some research and it sounds like "hypoglycemia" but a specific one that usually only happens at night, like this causing a cold clammy sweat that soaks your clothes, sheets blankets and all. Plus the waking up at 3AM is another sign of it, and the night terrors I have can be a symptom. I am a huge fresh fruit eater.

 I try and stay away from high calorie foods, I eat whole grains, and try to stay away from white flour products, but I do love sweets. Yet, I bake my own often using whole wheat flour, canola or coconut oil, Splenda, I've not used very much "sugar" for many years. I've done a great deal of research on different types of flour, and as I said most everything I bake I use whole wheat flour, recently I've tried adding some Coconut flour to a few things, but it is really hard to "adjust" to. You don't have to use very much at all, like a 1/4 of a cup, can take the place of over a cup or more of white flour, or even wheat flour. It gets "thick" very quickly, and I use "egg beaters" mainly. I am not a huge beef or pork eater, but mainly chicken, turkey, fish, beans, peanut butter and even though I love cereal of just about any kind, I usually stick to something like plain cheerios, or some such as that, then add just a tiny bit of some other one that is a bit sweet.... 

What I didn't realize is that "hypoglycemia" can be a precursor to diabetes. With my RA and Lupus, I do have a higher chance of having diabetes, thus I watch the sugar intake, etc... try and walk, exercise daily, of course lately with the neck surgery, it's been rather difficult to do other exercise other than walking, plus I've had so many problems with at first my right hip and thigh the one that was fractured causing pain, and sometimes walking makes it worse, but now both of my hips hurt, and I have to wonder if I have bursitis in both of them. 

I've had it before and had both injected, once or twice at the same time. Since I did not have a "complete hip replacement" after the fractures, but a "gamma nail" and screws i found out I could still have "bursitis" in that hip. I've also noticed especially since the hotter weather arrived, I have a very hard time with my "body temperature" inside. I'm either too "cold" with the A/C on, OR I turn it where it comes on less, then I am too warm... like my body just cannot adjust its temperature.... Has anyone experienced this type of problem with the cold clammy sweats, I mean soaked clothes, sheets, blankets and all... and get up and often my clothes are still damp, even if I got up and changed during the night.... and if so, did you get a diagnosis, or what have you done to try and help it?

"I Hope You Dance" - A Song, Lyrics, & a New Hallmark Channel Special that will bring you to your knees in faith, it will give you wings, & I cannot say enough that it is a MUST to see...

It was late by the time I got to be able to watch this incredible Hallmark Special based upon the song that Lee Ann Womack brings such a warmth, light, faith, hope and love to your heart. If this song does not "touch" you in some way, I am not sure anything can...

I had been eagerly awaiting that show to come out... I had it set to record for weeks from the Hallmark Channel... but little did I know just HOW INCREDIBLE this show is, and what it brought into my heart, how much it has already changed me, my spirit, and given me pure faith, and pure hope... to know that in spite of Lupus, in spite of the Chronic Pain, in spite of ALL that obviously I was not prepared for in my life... that has happened... some I can make a change, or have another chance, and know that love is here deep within my soul, deeper into my heart, than I had felt in a long while... Life as many of my readers know, has not been kind to me... not in several years... and I "lost" and am in the midst of still grieving over more loss than anyone should have to endure....

Today I post this, for in a long time, even before I began to watch this show last night, just hearing the song again, brought "life" and "voice" and I wrote a poem, within moments... I don't want to spoil the show by telling too much, but anyone dealing with Chronic Illnesses, Lupus in particular, or has lived through a horrible accident, and one that may have left you broken up physically, plus mentally and emotionally...

or those that have suffered such a horrid loss... the loss of a child especially, to suicide, or anyone losing a close loved one suddenly... within a moment a life has been taken away.. and the mortal hell one can go through... All of these things, and so much more ... in this show... in this inspirational and motivational song..  so, "I Hope" You Dance....  (from here below until the lyrics of the song is posted, is my own words... my own heart... and just how within a moment, a few lyrics, from a song that has always been one that speaks to my heart....

"Anything in Life that is truly worth something... at times never comes "easily".... Life is a "dance"... a dance in the fires and flames... or a dance beside the ocean's waves... a shuffle across the old hardwood floor, or to glide into an open door... We can sit on the sidelines of life, and watch as everyone else "lives" that two step, waltz, or two in rhythm, or we can give in and take the chance on what we are given... and faith is always Half Full at a glance... often times we tend to ignore our 2nd chance... if I've learned anything in my time here... is to throw away the dark days and the fear... trust in yourself, and give your heart over to that gift of chance, and never forget to just .... Dance.... as I begin to watch this movie I've waited for now several weeks to come on, featuring and based upon the song by Lee Ann Womack... "I Hope You Dance"... again... here are the words, and they should move you to tears..."  - Rhia..


. "I Hope You Dance"
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
Dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance..
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those year

Lee Ann Womack singer....


Here is one link to the Hallmark website... that has the information on this, and how it touched so many, and the people that helped to make this wonderful show, you will enjoy knowing they were an integral part of this...

 More of what I wrote after watching the movie.... 

 
The "Movie" that this song is based upon, is really not just a "movie" but more about how many lives this song touched, I am still watching, but one of the women that is in this, and had this song help her through losing a job, a long term relationship..DUE TO LUPUS!, and others are telling their heart felt, personal stories... what is written above, before I posted the lyrics, is what I WROTE... myself... Music has always been a huge part of my life... is has brought me to my knees in tears, and it has helped me to climb up the jagged edges of life's mountain, to find the beauty at the top, and shout to the world, I made it... 
yet again, there are times music allowed me to slide down once again, all the way to the sands on the ocean's shores, where only footprints of my life remain... it inspires me to write, it inspires me to "feel"... and I mean "feel"... get in touch with when it hurts so badly, you think your heart is totally breaking into pieces... and there is such thing as having a "heart attack" from a broken heart... 
I had one, and then another.... and that came straight from my cardiologist's mouth... there are times, that the bottled up, mixed up, gaping wounds of my soul... are opened up to drain, bleed... so they can "scar over" much like my body has, so I can regain faith again... so if you NEVER truly "listen" and allow the music to sink in, then you may not find that passion, the strengths, the weaknesses, the elated memories, moments, and the ones you prefer to bury away...




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2UE-JsPV4Sk 

The U-Tube Video about this above.....

Life Ongoing and Fleeting, Memories of a Time that seems like a blink of an Eye ago, dealing with AI's, Lupus, RA, Friends or lack of them, & All we are thrown daily to contend with....

WOW! I bet a few of you are saying! It has been a long while since I posted so early. I used to be up by 5AM, and that all changed several months back. I began to stay up much later than I did, thus I find myself not getting up before the dawn appears. I am honestly not looking forward to cold weather. It at one time was almost my favorite time of year, especially around the 2-3 weeks of February. Not due to my birthday BUT that is when we always planned and went on our annual snow skiing trip... it happened to fall right around my birthday, and WOW, I planned for that all year long... before we even finished getting home good from one trip, I was already setting up a "Christmas fund" at the bank where I used to work, and that money was always for the trip & Christmas also. I watched the weather all the way up to that last moment, just thrilled to be going back to Wolf Creek Pass, and Pagosa Springs CO... and also Santa Fe NM... Some of my most incredible memories are wrapped around that time in my life and I would give anything to be able to go again... I am not so sure about the skiing anymore even though I would love to try once more... but that was long before knee replacements shoulder replacements, cervical neck surgery and autoimmune illnesses.... so it would also mean in order to snow ski, back to walking that 5 miles a day I did for the entire year before we went.... and even at that, it still wore me out to ski especially if we skied 4 days rather than 3... I did have several video's of us, we took a camera and taped us a couple of years, and right now I am not even sure where those are... since then with all of the moving etc... they have been placed gosh knows where, but I still can replay each moment in my mind... my favorite part which was like a half open pipe, the sides way high up so when I skied, I went up one side, down into the "pipe" and back up the other... everyone knew if I was difficult to find that was where I would be LOL....then there was the time, and I had a pair of NEON GREEN snow pants/snow suit - and it was a pretty sunny day and I had been headed through some trees, and as I made one last little jump, one of my skies decided to stay behind, so here I was sliding through the trees on my stomach flat and just laughing... some guy and his wife were behind me and saw it, and he yelled at me "Looks good from behind here"! OMG - His wife hit him.... LOL! another one of those "moments" that get etched in our minds, and something that I will never forget... like the outdoor hot tub and it snowing on you when your were in it, and the indoor pool we ran and got in as soon as we got out of the hot tub... and the place we ate breakfast each morning, where the Elk came came a hill on the other side of the road and we watched them each morning, or the Mexican Food place we ate at when we got back from skiing - and they would fix me a "hot toddy" because I would always come in with a sore throat... LOL!!!! and how Pagosa Spings (which was like "Hot Springs Arkansas) due to the hot springs there the entire town smelled like rotten eggs.... LOL... you just got used to it after a day or so... and it did not matter because.... I WAS SNOW SKIING! I could sit here and almost write a novelette about my experiences going skiing for many years there during my 30's I believe.... and why that came to mind this morning, I am not sure, maybe the Winter/Fall chill in the air, or the fact, that rather than think about ALL I need to get done, I would much rather think of just how incredible those years were for myself, friends and my kids even went a couple of times... that was when Amanda my daughter was probably about 8 or so and the first time I sent her for "lessons"... she came walking down the hill with one ski in her hand... and I thought she was hurt... no, but the tree she ran into was bruised and her ski broken! LOL! She decided she did not need lessons, so off she went on the "bunny slope" herself, ran into a tree and busted the boot off of her ski first rattle out of the box! Thank goodness they were rented and insured so we got a new one right away! :) Those years have come and gone, but the memories made will remain brightly lit in my mind forever.... (or I hope they will).... Lately, life has been nothing more than one big ball of knotted, tied up, strung out, a mess of a ball of thread... it seems everywhere I turn there is something I need to do, somewhere I need to be, or an errand to run, medication to pick up, and now I have to all a plumber today... I thought I had remedied my problem but I have not, thus now I plumber has to be called and I don't look forward to that... it does not take long for a bill to get large when you have to call in a professional... in all of my undertakings, as FINALLY I FIXED A LAMP that my Mom had and it quit working. It is a pretty lamp, nothing wrong but I knew the "socket" had gone bad in it... well I bought the kit, with even a new cord in it, just so I would make sure ALL was new... it took me about 5 days in all to figure it out, and even though it was not difficult, in my head I had a portion that I was seeing to be more difficult than it was... so on Friday, it dawned on me what I was doing wrong, and sure enough, I got it all together and working! So, my DIY skills can work still, sometimes it just takes longer than it used to... same way with anything now days... I find myself yesterday in need of needing to sweep well (Swiffer), then "Wet Swiffer" my hardwood floors and mop my kitchen... and then I needed to vacuum, dust, etc... BUT, it took me so long to just get the hardwood floors done, in between all of the other "little" things I had to do, that by the time I was ready to vacuum, it was already after 4PM, I had told Mom I would drop by an lite her heater again, so I had to stop, decide to vacuum "tomorrow" so today, and then I wondered why it took me so long to do those floors??? I used to have been able to clean the bathroom, do all of that vacuuming, dusting, mopping the hardwood flooring, and so on, and still have plenty of time... but not anymore... for one, my energy is not what it used to be... I am much slower about things now... I had not been to church in 2 Sundays to do being sick, so I wanted to make sure I went yesterday. So, even though I knew I would come home to "chores" I got dressed and went to church first...yet by the time I ran home, changed clothes, went and picked up a couple of things from 2 stores, got home, and done that cleaning, it was already 4PM! By the time I got over to Mom's, lit her heater, visited for a bit, and got home it was already almost 5:30 and I had no clue what I wanted to have for dinner... and Bub's was looking at me like, "Hey, you have to feed us!" LOL!!! I almost settled for PBJ Sandwich, but I had some leftovers I managed to warm up and add a bit to, so he and I had a good dinner.... I guess he did he was not really even wanting dessert later in the evening when we watched a movie! Now, once again it is Monday - another ONE OF THOSE! I am sure that sounds silly for someone who is disabled, and does not have to "leave home" for work any more... but you know, I still have as much if NOT MORE to do now, and a lot less energy to deal with it all... so "Monday" is also one of those "Mondays" for myself also... it is trash day, and the beginning of usually errands, doctors, meds, running, phone calls and "stuff" to take care of... and that is exactly right... I have a list on a smaller yellow pad BUT it is 2 PAGES long! So, just because I am no longer "employed" outside of the house, I still have a ton of stuff to take care of... I need to have some of my meds refilled, and call to schedule an appt for my Mom at one of her doctors, and take Bub's to the Vet in the next couple of days, he needs his rabies shot and his back toenails cut which I DREAD! Neither of my dogs liked their feet touched... and he actually "nipped" at the Vet's assistant last time I had him in, so that means I have to "muzzle" him and I hate that!!! Thus of course his nails are way too long and no matter how I try he will not let me cut them... I have tried every thing in my power to get him to let me cut his nails, but him and Tazzy hated their feet messed with... ONE THING I WILL do differently with a new pup.... CUT THEIR NAILS RIGHT OFF MYSELF... and avoid having to take them in, have to muzzle one, like Bub's, and it saves a great deal of time and heart ache for me, because I just hate having to put that thing on him....and I even tried at home at one time to muzzle him, but he is so strong with his front paws, that he can pull it off, if I don't have anyone to help hold his feet down while I do muzzle him... so to the Vet we go, and I know she will faint, because most women would envy how long my dogs nails got and get... it is just nuts... but since they are in the house, they don't wear them down like outside dogs do....

I've been in such a tangled mess with my life in the past several months... I feel as if I am NEVER "caught up" - I always feel like I am 5 steps behind what I need to be doing, I am so slow at everything... I even had my hair cut all off short, so I don't have to take time with it because I feel as if I can spend that time doing something else other than messing with my hair...but the sad thing is I bought color for it gosh, 3 or 4 weeks ago I guess, and I STILL HAVE NOT found the time to color it! Something else always seems to take priority or by the time I may find a moment to do it, I am too tired to fool with it, so here it sits on my desk, as a reminder of one of the MANY things that need to be done....

As I stopped a moment to make out a Birthday Card for My Granddaughter, Heather, who will be 18 on the 30th of this month, again memories flood my heart, she met me when she was only 2 years old, and "Nana Pam" now is what her and both of her brothers call me. I've been able to "watch" them grow up through here, Facebook, - my daughter has been so great about posting all of their vacations, school functions, prom, homecoming, football season, Heather being a cheerleader, in volleyball, their vacations, the boys and all of the excursions they go on with their Dad and their Mom, my daughter Amanda, and again, how time has flown by so quickly just makes me wonder how life can go by within the beat of a heart, within a breaths space.. it seems I just met her - a tiny little thing, and here she is all grown up about to be 18 and off to college! My how life can truly rush by... at times I am sad because I am far enough away that I have not been there physically to witness all of their triumphs, but as I said my daughter blesses me with so many photo's of all of their special times that I feel like a piece of me is always there - watching as they grow into young guys and soon Heather a young woman off to college to follow her own dreams.

I often "feel" for our kids now days. This world has truly changed so much, and in many ways, NOT GOOD! There is so much more rivalry, rather than chivalry out there now... where there used to be goodness and gratefulness, has been moved to being greedy and just down right hateful and mean.... people are "bitter" about so many things, and of course in some ways, they have the right to be bitter. When you stop a moment, and think of all the horror daily not just in other countries but right here on our own soil, in our schools, colleges, Malls, everywhere there are "people" there seems to be a "person" which is is difficult to call someone a "person" when they want to do harm to other innocent people... but it is all around us... NONE of us "immune" from that fact.

Yet, there are still "good people" those who are kind and generous. They do for others, and not because they have to, but because they "want to".... I have a dear friend who is really going through a very tough time .... she is fighting the big "C" word, after having it back a first time while we were basically still in High School - and then here it is 30 plus years later, and again she is battling it... trying to work, never has a bad thing to say about anyone else, an is always so very grateful for those around her that do all they can to help, out of the kindness of their hearts, not because they "have to", but because they "want to"....

And I partially because most of my family is gone, My Dad and all of his siblings, parents and so forth passed away, and even some of his cousins and so on also gone. I was basically an only child, and have a "half brother" but he was at least 15 years plus older than me, went into the Air Force and spent 20 years much of it overseas in England. He retired from the service years ago and then they settled in North Richland Hills in the Dallas area and he was working for one of the big helicopter flight simulator places I believe. So, my Mom's parents have both passed away, she has lost both siblings, an older brother and his wife, and lately her younger sister to cancer... so when it comes to "family" especially close family, I really only have Mom and my two kids and of course my daughter's family. Even at that they are hours and hours away, and my son, also at least an hour or so away, with a job of his own, and life to also deal with.

So, last week when it came time to try and "adopt" a pup I did not realize the entire realm of red tape involved. It has been years since the last time I actually adopted a cat or dog... my last two, Tazz was a Christmas present and we bought her in Seattle, and Bub's I also bought him when he was just a puppy.... so when I get this email wanted ALL of this stuff and THREE references - asking ALL about my home, yard, how I was with my past animals etc... I was like I don't have that many people that are here close enough to give me 3 of them... but Jim was gracious enough to fill one out and my Mom helped me out, and hopefully with those, and everything I've told them, along with Vet records from my current one, whom is just a sweetheart and I am so happy she is back in town also... we went to school together... and then my other Vet that took care of them for years before Venetia Shafer at BlueBonnet Vet Clinic came back... I am hoping that is enough .... I've been racking my brain to think of someone else... of course my daughter could help out or my son, but they are so busy, taking to time fill out a long form for them is difficult... with kids, jobs, home and so on, I can't believe they keep up with everything as it is....

I guess that is the one thing I hope "joining the Methodist Church" would help me with... now that it is just myself and Bub's... I have Mom, but really no one that is a "close friend"... and a couple of people "close to me" but not like we do things together etc... so I was hoping by getting involved back in Church, and hoping to find some other things to participate in, I would find some "friends"... and we all know with the autoimmune illnesses, the Lupus, RA and so forth... my life "daily schedule" varies from one moment to the next... depending on how I feel, or how Mom is doing...

I also realized that if it were not for my Mom, I have no one to "assist" me with anything, say this plumbing issue... or anything like that... I don't "know" enough people well enough in town, even though I have been here for all my life for the most part, I guess due to my "life when married" I kept myself more at home, almost locked away, busy with those things, I did not get out in the community to meet others... and here I am 55 years old... and unlike a couple of my friends, or like my neighbor, they have "friends" that are helping them building a two car HUGE GARAGE that is as big as my home! I "Lack" that type of support system... I am "new" to the church, been going now for about 3 months, but sick some of that time... I have not gotten out and about to meetings, or even to the Saturday Farmer's Market and so forth, so I must find the "funds" to pay for my plumber, or have work that is so in need on my home, or any and everything that comes up, there is not anyone I can have that could help out... and you know, that frightens me honestly... of course I have my Mom... and my daughter and son, but they are as I said hours away, and have their own jobs, lives, and so on... so I am upset with myself... that I have allowed myself to stay "almost too alone" to have any kind of support system... my neighbors have "helped" some, but I have been quite honestly upset with one in particular... he used to always be here asking if we needed anything... when Jim was here, he constantly was mowing the lawn, and I usually paid him, even when he said he did not want it... but I knew they needed the money at that time... and my other neighbors have a very ill Mom they take care of and another one is up in age, and she needs help herself... so it gets to this spot in life, that you begin to think, what would I do if I needed this, that or the other... I can guarantee my Social Security Check pays the bills barely, and that is all... in fact I am very upset with my car insurance, it seems every time they bill me, that bill is higher, even though my car is older... and now I must spend Lord knows how much time trying to find a "new" and hopefully better Medicare Advantage Plan... the one I chose for this year has sucked more than I can say, and they are someone I would NEVER ever recommend to anyone! I am extremely disappointed in AARP for even "sponsoring them" - they have done some really horrible things this year to their patients, and I am just mad as hell honestly, because now I must spend days trying to find another plan that will cover ALL of my doctors, my medications and that is a hard thing to do now days... our doctors are all shy of even Medicare and a supplement these days... they DO NOT get paid for months and sometimes a year or more, thus they are leery.... Well, I need to get busy on other stuff as you can see, but I wanted to take time to first tell those who do help THANK YOU! Whether a kind word, or support of my advocacy etc.... I appreciate all of you.... and to let you know there are many things right now in my own life that are frightening.... I am going through a great deal of emotional distress... and "losing" a relationship after 13 years and then losing Tazzy after 3 years, have really put me in a place of even more distress.... there are other things playing into this but, I shall stay quiet for now about those.... but to all, remember the great memories and hold them close... remember time is fleeting, and before you know it, you are in your mid 50's and wonder what the heck you really have done in this life.... and to hold on to whom and what is dear to you.... Rhia

Am Torn to Shreds mentally and emotionally..... the Loss of a Dear Dear Bestest Friend my Puggy - Tazz!!!!

I can't begin to tell you that my bestest friend in my life my Puggy, my Tazzers, my Mo Mo she has several nicknames passed away this morning...I can't even bare the thought of losing something once again, I love more than life itself.... God promised me last night she would be okay... she seemed very weak yesterday and was acting like she was not feeling well at all, or even breathing late last night as she should.... I took her to the Vet and her blood work was "off"... so I am supposed to take her today for more labs.... last night, I held her in my arms and rocked her and sang the songs I always have sang to her and her brother Bubba.... and I did not sleep all night... I kept telling her that she would be okay today.... that God would heal her.... I cannot do this anymore.....I can't stand another broken heart.... why, why WHY was she taken away from me? Her, Bubs, and me were all together here and happy.... I can't understand why something like this happens, she never hurt anyone, and from the moment I saw her at 6 weeks old... and had to wait a week to get her... she needed her other shots.... and that was in Everett WA - she was the best Christmas present I could ever hope for or dream of.....life is just too cruel.... I don't want to live without her.... I love Bub's so much too, and he is also a light in my life.... but she was and is and always will be my baby girl... I can't even stand to move her... she is on my sofa in her favorite spot, wrapped in the blanket I bought for her the night I picked her up from the lady that sold her to me... I feel like pieces of me are dying also....

I just cannot even find the words to say how upset I am... and now my Mom's not feeling well, and has stomach issues and so on, that have been going on now for weeks... at first we thought we had a stomach bug, that had been going around... but that was at least 6 or 7 weeks ago... I am not all the way better, either... but my stomach is "weird" often just due to medications and so on.....

I did not get to post my RA Blog Wego post today,...I began writing it, went to check on my dear sweet Tazzers... I knew she was not well, and I was supposed to take her back today for more blood work.... and I prayed and prayed God would help her to hold on, or help her heal before it was too late..... I am worse than heartbroken and shattered at this moment......