Thoughts as I ponder my own Health, Lupus, RA, Sjogren's, those that "harm" us, those that have all disregard for human life.. the nation and world in vast and deep trouble...

I put up a couple of new pics earlier on Facebook and I wanted to post them here, and then write about some stuff I've been wanting to write about... lots to do with my own life journey, this river of all too often the "unknown"... we  ... none of us know what the next moment holds... we are not meant to... thus each breath leads to another "surprise" of life... this below is about dealing with illnesses, chronic in nature... Lupus, RA, Heart problems, Sjogrens' the severe pain of them, they tend to try and consume your life, mind, heart and soul... and how then a relationship, although we never know either can literally "suck" the life out of you... before you even know what has happened.... So, I wish each of you, a good life, be safe, love one another every day, every moment... do NOT let a moment pass by that you don't try and make someone else, yourself, or even your "four legged" friends... (I speak of my pups) that you don't love them, and tell them often... 

We never know if we will be shot going down an Interstate, or bombed and terrorized in a church, place to eat, on a job.,, in a market... WE have MANY, MANY Horrible people that spend their life "killing others" and never bat an eye doing it... it is all around, and we hear, read and see is way too much... our NATION and OUR WORLD are in much need of PRAYER, PEACE, AND HARMONY!!! ... YET, too many do not have any regard for human life... I just don't and cannot fathom that they do that in the name of their "god" or whomever they worship.... 

After the SEVERAL what feels like MONTHS the past weeks... I needed to hear something "positive" 　 I have been so totally frustrated with "life" in general... mainly of course illnesses and medical issues. I am still not "completely convinced about this leg being "not infected... but the surgeon I went to has been practicing for many, many years... so I must have faith that he knows what he is looking at. I learned a few things from him by asking questions, especially about MRSA, and what to look for and so on. I am not sure why that even though this lump was "abscessed" is it not "grow" anything. You would assume it being "infected, which is what I "assume" abscess is, that there would be some type of staph, strep, or something that would grow out of that culture. He took two... because I actually had two pockets of abscess from what he said, one not very deep, but the other quite deep into the thigh. I am still taking extremely good care of it, and not going anywhere without it covered and I am still actually covering it with gauze. For one, with the two pups, and then jumping to see me, especially when I sit down in the evenings on the sofa to watch a = movie with the, they both are pawing at me, or putting their heads on my legs etc.. vying for my attention,.... talk about UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!! That is what I get from Bub's and Tazzy.... they love me in spite of being ill so much, being not able to sit with them every moment of the day LOL, if I have my makeup on or not, no matter how I am dressed... they love me... too bad I never found a "spouse" that was so committed to me... Yes, I did say that...I am so "fed up" at the moment with people that "commit" themselves supposedly 110% and vow to be there no matter what, yet when the tough times roll around, guess what... GONE... on 60 SECONDS! I was totally "committed" to each and every relationship where I said and vowed to do that. But, as we know it takes TWO!!! I could not do "all the work" and the other party not want to work at it at all... and in fact at the moment I am quite livid in the fact, that I've been deceived, lied to, cheated on, and you name it, and I know that even my neighbors who have known me now 8 years must have been "told" I was the problem!!! They barely even "look" at me... and they were here all the time "before" the other party left for Seattle... so I can't help but think someone said things that make them think I "threw" it all away etc... when I never did such... but after trying to work on it for almost 13 YEARS... between my own health, my Mom, and ALL that I need to do... things that I gave up, in order to make a relationship last, I am SICK of GIVING, and someone else doing all of the TAKING!!!! Plus I am TOO OLD and TOO much water has flown under the bridge, that I shall NEVER "beg" anyone to be with me, or stay, and so forth... I am too disgusted with all of it, to even truly have the stamina to "fight" for someone to be here. I am just as well off, even though I am lonely at times, the pups as I said love me, no matter what... and I've vowed to NEVER again get into any "long term" anything... And no one say "Oh, you will feel differently later..." NO! I won't... I am going to spend the time that I "wasted" on committing to someone who just took full advantage of my tenacity... and put all of that COMMTMENT back into getting myself as well as possible, writing my (or may I say finishing") my 3rd book and getting it published, along with more much more energy into my blog... which is doing fairly well... and into my activist and advocacy work... those things are where my true nature, my passion, my love, and what I feel my life is truly about... and no more will I forego those things to try and make someone else happy.. if they cannot be happy themselves, then I certainly can't make them happy .... I am off to post this on my blog... do a few things I've got to catch up on... I spent yesterday outside a great deal... washed and got most of my car waxed... and got some of the dead limbs and trees down that my neighbor "left" rather than take down as he said he would before he built that UGLY HUGE MONSTROUS WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE A GARAGE... it is bigger than my house! So, I've got lots of things I have to do for my home and I am already too vested in it to not finish what I began... so as the next moment, hour, day, week, and hopefully YEARS flow... my hopes are to "do" exactly what I feel my true "calling and purpose" here is.....

Fed Up, Tired, of Struggling, Hardships, Chronic Illnesses, Tests, Autoimmune illnesses, broken relationships, and feeling "broken"... where and when does all the HORROR end?!

I am just so OVERWHELMED with so many ridiculous "hoops" I am having to "jump" through between doctors, other health facilities, tests, labs, insurance, pharmacies, good Lord, I cannot even think of a word to describe the freaking NIGHTMARE I've been having to put up with over these past weeks. May=ny of you already knew about the "lumP on my left upper front thigh, and the 3 WEEKS (well in all 21 DAYS) of not just ONE, but TWO extremely powerful antibiotics... Bactrim and then Rifampin which is used for a "cocktail" of meds for people with TB (Tuberculosis).... in fact my pharmacy did not even have it, and had to order it for me. I was on those two at the same time, 3 different times, 7 days each. The "lump" was about the size of a silver dollar, maybe a bit larger, and had already been on my thigh about 10 days before I began to feel like I needed to have it looked at. My PCP of course thought it was cellulitis. It never "erupted" on top of the skin, like some of these things do. It continued to remain "under the skin" but in a large lump, that at first was sort of soft. At first the antibiotics seemed to "shrink" it down. So, I was relieved. I am also facing LUMBAR/SACRAL one level back surgery, which NEEDS to be done BEFORE the end of the year. I am so FED UP WITH AARP UNITED HEALTH CARE - MEDICARE ADVANTAGE PLAN - SECURE HORIZONS!!! that I could ring all of their necks. They "arbitrarily" after me researching them for MONTHS, with online searches, phone calls not just to them, but also to MY own doctors, looking up my meds and so forth, ALL seemed to TAKE this insurance. Well, I still am not sure how they got by with it, but somehow AFTER January 1st when you cannot ANY longer change until the following year... they "got rid" of many of the providers... many of them DOCTORS that are right here in my county, which is why they should COVER THEM! They DO NOT EVEN cover ANY HOSPITAL other than me having to go 40 miles plus up to the Dallas area. I had Humana for several years, and had some problems with them, SO I decided that this stupid plan which is ENDORSED BY AARP - would be better - NOT!!!! They don't even know when you CALL them if "a doctor" is on the plan or not. In fact in my search for a General SURGEON to remove this lump ASAP, I called two of them, and even their own offices were NOT SURE whether they "were or were not" "in netowrk" providers!! HOw the HELL they can get by with this is beyond ME... but you can bet, Humana "was" and appears to still be FAR BETTER than UNITED HEALTH CARE, AND I INTEND ON TELLING AARP, and United Health OFF, as I get rid of them for 2016! I have had to PAY out of MY OWN POCKET to KEEP my Rheumatologist! I NEED a damned Chest Xray, due to the stupid blood work for the TB test not being done in time. thus the test came back "indecisive", thus before I CAN BE PUT ON XELJANZ I HAVE TO HAVE THE X-RAY AND NO ONE here locally can do it under the insurance! So, I again have to PAY OUT OF POCKET FOR A CHEST XRAY - Our Urgent Care Center does not even take the insurance... talk about BAD! So, I did find out they would do the Xray for me for 80.00! Which is still high, but it would be more at our hospital etc... so I go over there yesterday (I should have had this done weeks ago) but due to the cellulitis, the issues with my own back, doctor visits, and so forth, then my Mom's come to find out not a hip, but also a lumbar spine problem, then I got sick from the antibiotics and turned around and then got a stomach virus... and then my Mom's sister passed away after battling stomach cancer for several years... SO yesterday after my echocardiogram - I went across town to Urgent Care. THEy DID HAVE the "order" for that X-ray, because I had called them a few weeks back to make sure... but the woman there who was NOT HELPFUL what so ever 0 swore the "order" from my Rheumy was NOT there... SO I go and call them, give the the "fax number" she gave me, and it was WRONG! She told me the number for the phone and not the fax, then blamed me!! By now I was LIVID, tired, already upset enough, hurting, between everything else, and now I have been in fear to take my Orencia, even though I have a brand new batch of it, due to the cellulitis I feared taking it! So, even before that, my RA has grown much WORSE especially in both hands. My knuckles stay swollen and you can see the swelling even between my fingers on my hands... it first was my right hand, but now BOTH of them are terribly bad. My grip is getting so weak, I can't open things, and I am just having hell with both hands... SO they finally get the right FAX Number, and they fax the order over, BUT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR ONE VIEW, and the order was for TWO! So, that meant I had to pay 160.00!!! rather than 80! Well, I knew since this was strictly to rule the blood work was "wrong"... so 1 view was enough, BUT they had to have the Order from the doctor stating 1 view BEFORE THEY COULD do the Xray! SO, I finally GAVE UP, came home, sent my RHEUMY AN EMAIL telling them my dilemma and they were supposed to resend the order for 1 view!!! BUT by then, I had gone to the store, the fire ants are now eating us alive after the bit of rain, so I needed poison for them, and needed to see my Mom... so I decided to wait and tomorrow I will go back for the Chest Xray! Of course that is ONLY a portion of this entire ORDEAL.. My Mom I take next Tuesday for the EPI's the steroid injections for her back, and that is in Dallas. FINALLY, after hours online and on the phone I FOUND A SURGEON IN THE TOWN OVER about 15 miles or less away that WILL TAKE MY INSURANCE AND IF I NEED THE PROCEDURE DONE AS AN OUTPATIENT, I found out at least our Outpatient Surgery Center here in Town DOES take my insurance and he does do procedures there... but HE CAN'T SEE ME UNTIL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY! Now this lump has turned into a much harder lump, plus it now is tender to touch. It has also grown "taller" and is much more noticeable when you look down at my leg. Not only that, but the "2nd" one, a much smaller one that came up about 3 weeks ago or so, but on my right upper thigh, almost straight across from the 1st one "seems" to be getting a bit larger. It still is only about the size of a dime, but I can tell, maybe it is just me, but it is almost feeling as if it is growing "outward" where it can be seen more. I had bumped the large one accidentally on a chair I think on Monday. It hurt like hell, and now I am not sure if it is because I hit it, OR what is happening, but now for the 1st time it is "red" at the surface of my skin, almost as if it may try to come outward, rather than stay underneath the skin as it has now for all this time. I've been keeping a close eye on it, and been making sure I watch for more signs of infection, like it feeling like it is "hot" to the touch, or that I am not having signs of running a fever... I guess that is why I am a bit upset that I have to wait until a week from Friday to see the surgeon... if this thing does become infected, and does try and "open up" on top of the skin, with my already compromised immune system issues, that would not be a good thing. That was the one good thing when I was on the antibiotics, it nor I showed any outward signs of having an infection, such as fever, chills, and so forth. But, earlier, I had been outside this morning, and even cut a few limbs off one of my trees, then did some arranging of things in my regular freezer, and moved some stuff to my deep freeze.. I had bought some "extra" stuff for the freezer and needed to clean out stuff that was too old, and then put some of this new food into the deep freeze... and I did. I even had some chicken pieces that I decided I really needed to cook, since they had been in the deep freezer for a while. So, I took all of them, put those in my slow cooker, and decided to make some chicken pulled bar-be-que. Then I can freeze that, and have it later... especially when the fall and winter come... and suddenly as I did that, I came down with a horrible headache, and I had one last night out of the blue, when I was going to sit down and watch a movie. I had to finally lie down, after taking some meds, and it went away in the night. But, suddenly it hit me again, and I began to feel nauseated which sometimes I do, especially if I have a bad headache... before I could even take some meds, and try to sit down for a bit on the sofa, I had to run to the bathroom and was sick to my stomach - and what made that really odd, for one, I had not really had much of anything to eat, even last night. I ate some fresh fruit I had cut up, and was not really hungry, so I later had a bit of sugar free Sherbert... so I just can't believe I got that sick, and I really did not have that much in my stomach... but I did, and of course it scares the HELL out of me to throw up.. I am always terrified to do so and will do just about anything to try and not... but even as I tried to sit on the sofa, it was too late, and I wound up being sick after all.... so I went took medications for my headache and some Promethizine to hopefully get my stomach settled down... and it did for now... I was writing this and had some of it done, then I got a bit upset over EVERYTHING going on, and I have not even said that there are several other things I need to either help my Mom with OR I need to get done, this week hopefully, so being BACK on the SOFA having a sick stomach and a headache is NOT what I needed this morning... The state has changed the laws about how we now "inspect and register" our vehicles... it used to be they were separate... now since May 2015, they have changed to you have to have your inspection, it has to be "current" and in the computer system, and then they will register your vehicle... well so happens mine is good till next May or so... but Mom's both inspection & registration are due... so I can't "register" her car, until I take it to be inspected... which is fine, but it is now a bit more red tape even though it is supposed to be "easier"... not really for us the driver's though, we still have to have both, but now we will have 1 sticker, rather than 2, one for each... anyway, I need to do that this week... plus I needed to go pick up a few things at Wally World, the Fire Ants have now just about taken over my yard back and front dammit... I had them completely gone... but after that rain we had last week, and I have not put the complete broadcast killer out since early Spring... as I do, but I did it so early, now it's not doing the job, so for now I am having to just put out the killer on the individuals beds. But, dammit, yesterday evening, (I ran out of the fire ant killer also) but bought some, and went around to my back yard, and there under one of my trees over my where the neighbors took down a building and they are building a new "monstrousity" for a stupid garage, which is bigger than my house... anyway, a HUGE bed was completely surrounding this tree... I bet it was 15 feet around, and no telling HOW DEEP... I know we had one by the same neighbors lawn (HE NEVER FREAKING does anything to get rid of them on his side) up at the front, and it was about 4 feet or more deep when I finally put out the poison for them, killed it off mostly, but then took a hoe and dug down and there is still almost an indention there where the bed of Fire Ants had been.... Plus he always mowed my lawn, when Jim would not... well hell since Jim left all of a sudden they barely even speak to me, and now he almost ignores me... and my front lawn needs mowing, but he also pulled the rope and broke it on my mower, so I have to fix it or get it fixed... and I paid him... anyway, I may have to pay someone else... because when the lawn gets a big tall, those damned fire ants build those nests within a night's time and "hide" in the taller grass. So, keeping it mowed down also helps to see the beds and also keep them from building them so much.... anyway, then I have to go BACK and hopefully get that damned chest x-ray done also tomorrow.... and Mom's Birthday is Friday... she will be 80 years old... and I so wanted to take her to the Casino at least for the day, and maybe spend one night... we have free rooms, and free buffet's... Anyway, I am just FED UP with everything seeming to go wrong, no matter how hard I try... nothing ever seems to come "easy" for me.... I have struggled in one way or the other throughout my entire life... either due to health, or "bad" relationships. or "crappy jealous bosses".... it just seems nothing is NOT complicated in my life... I keep trying to "have faith" and have hope... but here I am 55 years old and I feel like I have FAILED everything and everyone in my life... nothing I do ever seems good enough, and I am just freaking sick and tired of it all... every day there is a struggle, with health, doctors, meds, pharmacies, insurance, tests, no matter what, it just refuses to be "easy".... I feel cursed, or as if I've done something horrible and I feel punished and don't even know why..... Chronic Pain, Chronic Illnesses... they are horrible enough... but when you feel every damned thing in life seems to be like hellish and half an acre to get anything accomplished... and there are those the wonder why some people "give up"!!! Hell everyone has a breaking point, a point to where they cannot take anymore... and if you had to walk in my shoes for a week... you would know why, I am so fed up.....



After reading the "comment" made by a woman I knew nothing about, and thinking about it, I decided to "delete" her comment. Honestly, it had NOTHING to do with my post, she has NO profile or anything on "Google" to allow me to know a thing about her. I did answer her comment and I am going to leave up my answer under comments for now. I think if she would have left out about her "contact" information I may have allowed the post... but "spell casting" is really nothing to discuss on my blog... other than the past very early "history" I posted about my very limited knowledge on that type of subject, I felt it was not an appropriate response for my blog. I hope I don't offend anyone for removing it, I just felt it did not belong here....

Let The Water Come and Carry You Away....

I had posted a long post last night, and for some reason FB lost it! I know better, usually I make sure I copy them before I hit the "send" button.... but the jest of it was my thoughts yesterday about our lives, especially mine at this time, being like a "river".... we go through so many different aspects, changes, sometimes we feel they are not so great, and often we don't really grasp the "why's", when, how of life. I had really found comfort last night, in thinking about my life, and once again it evolving, revolving, and "flowing" forward... most rivers never flow backwards... thus once the water has flown under that bridge, it will never go back... such as life... once this moment is over, it is done... finished... just as by our "Higherpower" said about the "7th" day of Earth... "'tis finished"... and was also know ass when all happened as it did on the "Mountain" once his Son has passed away, again, Tis Finished.... I am not trying to "make" this about "religion" at all, but those events for my own personal self remind me, that I am in this place, at this time, for a specific purpose... why things have happened as they have I don't truly know... some I've had an "open heart to" and it seems I've found a "new vision"... I am seeing my own world, and all the world with new eyes, along with a new mind set.... no longer shall I "blame" myself for what I have no control over... we cannot control actions that we can't control.... we can't "make" or not make someone else do something, we cannot change the weather, or stop the rain from falling. We cannot stop Mother Nature" and even though we can gripe and moan about it, it is just as it is... and as is supposed to be...I really wished I had not "lost" my post from last night.... it was a "Revelation" for me... and the way I worded it was what came through my heart and mind so clearly... but again I also "can't" control Facebook either.... SO, what I will finish this with, as I go and get ready to attend church again this morning is - one of my very favorite songs.... the lyrics "fit" so well, and it was THE SONG I heard back when I was 21 years old... that on a fateful night CHANGED the direction of my "flow of life" forever. Had the events that happened that night, happened any differently, I may not even be here, or I could be "lost" in a sea of horrible demise... so the song.... the lyrics... - "so much time to make up everywhere you turn, time we have wasted on the way... so much water moving underneath the bridge... let eh water come and carry us away...."   We often "lose" so much of life, time, thought... by "wasting" it on the things we cannot control.... yet if you allow those waters to flow... underneath that bridge... it will certainly carry you exactly where you need to be... love you guys and gals that support me so much... Rhia


Wasted On The Way Lyrics

from Greatest Hits [ORIGINAL RECORDING REMASTERED]
"Wasted On The Way" is track #14 on the album Greatest Hits [

"Wasted On The Way"

[Intro. (Acoustic Guitar and Electric Piano)]

Look around me
I can see my life before me
Running rings around the way it used to be

I am older now
I have more than what I wanted
But I wish that I had started long before I did

And there's so much time to make up everywhere you turn
Time we have wasted on the way
So much water moving underneath the bridge
Let the water come and carry us away

[Instrumental (Fiddle)]

Oh, when you were young
Did you question all the answers
Did you envy all the dancers who had all the nerve

Look around you know
You must go for what you wanted
Look at all my friends who did and got what they deserved

So much time to make up everywhere you turn
Time we have wasted on the way
So much water moving underneath the bridge
Let the water come and carry us away

So much love to make up everywhere you turn
Love we have wasted on the way
So much water moving underneath the bridge
Let the water come and carry us away
Let the water come and carry us away



Read more: Crosby Stills Nash - Wasted On The Way Lyrics |