Trying to put words to "feelings" - A New Chapter of my Life, yet like "writer's block" I am having "Life block"

All too often any of us as author's, writer's, bloggers, and so forth can develop usually suddenly, what many refer to as "writer's block"...

I've been through those "challenging" time on several occasions myself... like my "voice, or we sometimes refer to as "Muse" is just not happening...

For days, perhaps weeks now, I've had a challenge even larger than any writer's dilemma. I find myself with I guess you could call "Life Block"... I cannot find where "I should be", "where I belong", what to do with myself, so I spend my days rambling around, painting the house #2, and knowing that house #1 needs lots of work also... Life in itself feels "surreal"... not realistic, like I've missed that last train into my next chapter... now I am lost, in between a "breath's space", and at times I am not sure I even know who I am... or what my next step should be....

I had heard several times about "dementia" and at 1sst they said "brain exercises" were helpful. Then about a year or two ago, they came out and said "exercising the brain" with reading, puzzles, games and so forth, does not "harm not help" Then on the evening news it was brought up after extensive research that exercising the brain, like any muscle does tend to keep you "fit" mentally... that you are less likely somewhat to develop a type of dementia... I always thought that way anyway... I watched my own Mom. do NOTHING, no hobbies, did not like to get out and window shop, never belonged to any of the groups around town, or even helped out as a "Room Mother" when I was young... till the day she passed away, June 9th, 2016, she COULD NOT PUT GAS in her own car!

As many times as I tried to get her interested in one thing or the other, she just was this type of person, that all in life like that was either "frivolous" or a waste of time and money... or she just was not "smart enough", educated enough to "get it"... whether it be a new microwave, or reading a book....

A Lesson In Life About Taking "time" to laugh, to catch up, and to be out of the "hellish" times so many of us have....

As I was typing out about having a lunch and it has been a long time, or being with an old friend from High School or College, maybe a job from your past, all of the hopes, dreams, plans, the "faith and hope that can move mountains" go with you, and in a small town such as Ennis, it never dawns on you that it maybe YEARS before you see those people again. Whether it is family, a friend, or whomever that was a "pat" of your life back then, all too often becomes "lost" in "life". We have "corners and curves we don't often expect. Things that were supposed to happen, didn't or they did yet something changes your path, and what you felt and thought would happen, is far from that memory in your mind. I know when I was in especially High School, I had a "few" really good friends. Due to the fact, that I felt "overweight" and I was a bit back then, and at that time Mom 9bless her heart not her fault because she was not taught either)... didn't know how to "fix" my hair, or how to put makeup on, and dress more in "fashion" ... I realize my parents did the very best they could, and I thought about that in the shower this morning. I was "fortunate"... 

 

I had a home, both parents, Mom never had to work, so I was never "alone" after school. Dad worked at the same place all his life from the time he was 16 when EBF was Ennis Tag back then... I always had 3 meals a day, I was always able to take a bath, have clean hair, and clothes on my back. Those were things that all too often we don't realize until we are older there were families that were not and are not that lucky. Kids that may have one or two meals, and those are at school, or go home to an empty house because both parents work, and they may not have food on the table every night, or clean clothes that fit them, or new shoes... and more so today, we have kids that go to bed hungry in this nation, in this state, in this county, and in this town... Anyway, what I am trying to get at, is that I did not realize just how "lonely" and "alone" I have felt now for months, and months, probably at least a year..

 

I have had to do my very best with what I know to help my Mom in any way I can... most of my time is spent either helping her, whatever that might be, especially now, she cannot even start her washer, or turn on her oven... and if I am not there, I am at home, with two awesome puppies, but they are "WORK" also... I love them and they keep me "sane" when my world feels insane....yet they have to have care also.... and then my home has to be cared for, whether it is daily things, dishes, sweeping, mopping etc.. taking my own medications correctly, and then the other things mowing the lawn, getting the house painted, getting the back "forty" mowed, and all of the "deeper" things we have when we own a home need to be done... so until I went to lunch today with a dear friend, I didn't realize just how "I have not laughed", I have not "smiled", I've not been with anyone my age, who understands my situation, and just getting to go out of the house away from it all, and have lunch was such a special treat. IT is almost like a Kid in a "candy store" for me... that is something I have not gotten to do very much over the past year... I had wanted to go dancing, yet I always "feel guilty", or I feel I should stay home with the puppies or not spend the money, even though I don't drink a drop, and that "old feeling" of "what if like high school" no one asked me to the high school prom or out on a date... none of the guys from school ever asked me out.... in fact my cousin from Mesquite came down and went with my to my Senior High School Prom, so I would get to go.... 

 

I still recall the dress I wore... LOL... but we get "lost" in "transition" of marriages, illnesses, families, jobs, moves, all of the "stuff" in life that as Seniors leaving High School never in a million years would have thought would happen in our lives... Our nation is NOT the "nation" of the USA that we knew back then, not many "towns" are "safe" like Ennis was back then... things move faster, and if you don't keep up, you are left behind in the stone ages, almost like my own Mother, who even before this horrible Dementia/Alzheimer's or whatever it is hit her, she knew nothing about cell phones, or cordless anything, or even how to put gas in her car... 

 

...all of the technology we take for granted these days, she has no clue of how to use a computer, or what the "internet" really is all about. She hears me of course, and knows what I tell her, but she has never had that experience... so we are "wound up" in a ball of "life"... and we often "lose out" on a "lunch date" with a high school friend, or a great conversation with someone you had not seen in years, or all kinds of "small things" that when the do happen, you "CHERISH" them forever. Age gives us a space, where we no longer "take so much for granted each day, or even each hour. We learn what was important 10 years ago, means nothing today... we take those "small times" and keep them locked in our heart, knowing life again can get us lost in "transition" once again... it is sad... but it is true... so TODAY, to be able to experience a smile, old memories, and make new ones, catch up on the years between, and laugh about some of the old happenings.... Today remains that way for me, as well as Carrie Wilson Taking time to take me for my surgery to have my new pain pump put in, .... I will cherish those times, that Denise Tekell and I get to talk for a moment in WalGreens, or run into an old friend you have not seen and be able to find out how things are.... those are the true things I know now I cherish... Laughter, people who truly care, someone that helps not because they have to, but because the want to, and I hope I can "take more time" for "me" to write, to do my advocacy work, to play with the dogs, to have a laugh with a friend, and not be "stuck" and "stagnated" in the "moments of hell on Earth" that most of us know all too well.... Rhia

Setting The New Year Tone as I Deal With RA, Lupus, Sjogren's, Trying to Complete a 3rd book, Life, Family and so much more...

Every Year so many of us have a "List to Live By"... for the New Year. Some call it a list of "resolutions", "Changes", a new way, a different attitude, motivation for making things different, making what you want in life happen... Whatever you "call" it... we try to set the "tone" for our New Year.

Whether "chronically ill" or not... each of us want things to "change". Now, many of us may be completely satisfied with our life "as is"... but human nature gives us this innate intuition to never stand stagnant, to always want to evolve, to make our mark on the world, or at least our own home and community. As a whole, although when you hear the news it does not sound like it, I still feel "human nature" basically wants to "do well"... to help, to be that change maker...

As I have prodded through these past 7, 8, 9 or more years of chronic illness and chronic pain, I've noticed that it seems for the majority of us that are chronically ill, whether it is an Autoimmune Illness, Heart Disease, Cancer, or any number of diseases, syndromes and/or illnesses "we" as a whole tend to try even harder to "change" what that disease is doing not just to "our bodies and lives" but to all the others we see on a daily basis suffering from the very same illnesses. We tend to be more a part of the "change makers", whether that means a local community awareness, or a National Campaign and being an "Ambassador", Volunteer, Activist, a "voice" such as helping so many of our non-profits, such as The Arthritis Foundation, The Cancer Society, The American Heart Association, Lupus Foundation, The Pain Foundation, and the many, many, charities and organizations that "go to bat" to fight not only locally, in our states, but nationally to make awareness known within our Governmental Bodies, to get finances for more research, the race for a cure, for answers as to "why" some of us suffer so badly from such horrid illnesses, what causes them, how to treat them without destroying a patients life, and how to give people back their quality of daily living!

So, when our chronic illness and/or oain issues bring us to the place we no longer can "work" our jobs, or do many things we once could do, we find ourselves seeking a way to help STOP these diseases from ruining more lives in the future. With the technology, and how we have evolved globally, with a few key strokes, we can contact our state, our county, our city, and our National Government Officials. We can provide all types of very usual assistance without leaving our homes to "make that difference" we so want to make in life. I know some people that probably spend more hours a day now as a volunteer, activist, etc... than they did actually working a 9 to 5 job that nearly killed them... but we can "take off" for a week if we are ill, or work an hour a day, or a few hours a month.... however much "we" want to put into assisting these foundations, is so appreciated. And many of us, like myself have been even honored and rewarded by being sent to Washington DC to stand on Capitol Hill and tell our stories! So, activism, can be and is such a rewarding part of a chronically ill person's life. We feel we are "contributing" even though we may not be able to work hours a day, or leave our homes... we "make a difference"... and not even spend a penny... but give of ourselves and our time... which is definitely valuable... sometimes more than money... the value of "our time"....

I had been looking on Twitter a bit ago, and there was a great idea that I decided to not only to share, but to do. Take an empty jar, and each "good thing" that happens within the New Year, jot it down on a small piece of paper and put it in the jar. Then in the start of the next New Year, get those out and read them. As I said, all too often we "recall" all of the crappy, the bad stuff, that happens within a years time, yet we don't remember those "good moments" and maybe they are "small" but memorable. Then see just how many have filled that jar from that year before. I have already been able to write down 3 or 4 things and put in the jar, and this is the middle of January! Maybe I will need 2 jars to "hold" onto those good moments... those moments that help to make the bad ones seem not so bad.

So, the "title" of this post, is a bit deceiving in some ways. I gave the impression this was going to me more about my own "revelations" for the New Year, and the "tone" of how I "want" my year to be for 2016. I've never been one to set expectations to high, but I do try to give myself "goals" to achieve... yet I have also had to learn that when you have illnesses such as Lupus, RA, Sjogren's.... and so forth... those things you "want to achieve" may get put on the back burner, for those times you are in a "flare", or you are having surgery, or sick, or going to the doctors... there can be all kinds of things that interfere with those "good intentions"... and it is not that you may not achieve them... just not in the time frame you thought you would. I had wanted to be a published author for 20 years plus, and then was with two books within less than a year between them! My 3rd book, has been sitting here mainly completed on my computer, but needing to be put in some type of order now for gosh 3, 4 or more years. But, life and illness... have had to come first... thus the book WILL GET PUBLISHED, but I no longer "pressure" myself... Due to things beyond my control over the last almost 3 years, I began getting it together, then had to leave it... now it will take me weeks to even get back into where I am, what I have in it, and how I want to continue... and I will get there... but I have to feel well enough "physically" to be able to sit at the computer several hours at a time, hopefully with little interruption for weeks, at least 2 or 3... or I will never be able to "delve" into where I am, and where I want to go forward.... so I may not be able to do as much as I want on it, until I have the cervical neck surgery... I can't sit very long at the computer typing right now because of that disc... when it presses down on the nerves, and I have pain in my shoulders and down my arms into my thumbs... it makes it very difficult to "find my voice" to write...

It is different with my blog... I can write a bit, get up, do a few things, and come back to "finish" the post...

But, the "tone" for my 2016 is to try my best to get as far on the 3rd book as I can to prepare for it to be published. I also need to get myself back into "physical shape" and I mean back to walking when it warms up, taking the dogs out walking, and getting out of the house... but I also face at least the one surgery... and maybe two this year... my lower lumbar and sacral spine gives me hell when I try and sit for very long also... and after Friday's ordeal of driving and doctors in Dallas all day long, I have suffered with a great deal of back and side pain... hell I've wondered if I have another kidney stone, the pain has been so bad off and on...

So, the "tone" again is to do as much as I can personally to my home, bless it's heart it needs so much work, and myself... and try to "enjoy" each day whether ill on the sofa, sitting here at the computer writing, or online...walking my pups... walking myself... and hopefully spending several times this year for a day or overnight stay at Winstar! Gosh how I miss that Casino! I walk in and the world melts away, at least for that time you are there...

So, take time to "set your tone" for 2016.... make yourself a "good moments" jar... and in 2017 (when I get to trade in my Prius for a New Model) see how many of those truly make you smile.....

Happy Father Day To all of the Fathers, Grandfather, Father to be, and those men that have been like a "Father" to some...

    Wishing All a very Happy and Beautiful Father's Day!

While I have this on my mind, and before I decide to probably run over and visit Mom, I thought I would say "Happy Father's Day" to ALL of the Dad's out there!!!!! My Dad passed away 10 years ago this past March 27th. Even though it has been 10 years, I still miss him almost everyday of my life. I find myself at times wondering how he would "do something" I may be working on, or when I am tending to my plants and lawn, how beautiful his lawn, garden, flowers and all used to be. I have all kinds of great memories, from "running over him" when I was 6 with my brand new bike. I begged for him to take the training wheels off and he finally did. He was working on some quail pens in the garage, he used to raise them, and I forgot the "brakes"... LOL... I ran right into the garage, over the pens, Dad and all... when I recall it now, it is just too funny... he was a man of many talents, from singing, to loving the outdoors, his lawn, a garden, he made home made jelly, he loved to hunt and fish... and I was just a bit of a tomboy back then, so just about anywhere he went, I wanted to be right there beside him.. I think many things I've learned from gardening and plants, to wanting people to just tell the truth, and he was the same, he would rather hear the truth no matter how badly it maybe, than to lie to him... He was "Overprotective" of me, but I came along many years after my half-brother... who went into the Air Force when I was about 5 or so, and spent 20 years all over the world until he retired. So, I was like an "only child" and a girl also. He like everyone was not perfect. But, I loved him and still do no matter how perfect or imperfect times were. He taught me the love of "people"... he enjoyed being around people, and always had the utmost respect, and I feel he was always well liked around our community. So, in honor of my own Dad, Minnis, and to ALL Dad's here and those who are now not on this Earth... I wish all a wonderful Father's Day!!! Enjoy your family, kids, spouse, friends... time flies by too fast.... Rhia Steele

Taking A Moment Away from the Griping and Fussing over illness and pain to say " Happy Mother's Day" to All!

Before I get back to my griping, fussing and being "sick and tired" of feeling "sick and tired" I thought I would stop and take "inventory" of Mother's Day, coming up on Sunday. It used to be a "tradition" of ours, to take my Mom, and the three of us go to one of the casino's. The last several years, we usually go to Oklahoma, to Winstar, because it all has you could ever want or need, plus it is quite a bit closer than going to Louisiana. :)

After my husbands accident last year in March, that kind of put a damper on things. In fact he was still in the hospital at Mother's Day last year, and Mom and I went together, just the two of us, and had a wonderful time. We usually have a blast together, whether it be at a Casino, or just a day away for a "window shopping trip".... so not being able for the 3 of us to go right now, kind of changes the scheme of things. Yet, life is like that. We never know when within a breath's space our entire lives can be changed forevermore.

This year is going to be a real challenge for me. Now I face yet another round of tests on my lumbar/sacral spine. They just called to sit up a "discography" to be done in Dallas at Medical City. I chose to wait until the last part of the month, on the 27th, which now I am wondering why I decided to wait that long. Today, I feel like I've been ran over by a train, and then backed over and ran over once more. My back had been feeling "somewhat" better. And of course between our freaky weather, and all I've been doing, my back hurts like hell right now. But, so does the rest of me. So, I figure I've either came down with a slight "bug", or it is a "flare" trying to come on... fatigue, pain, lethargic, nauseated, my head feels like it could explode and our humidity has to be at 100%!!!!

Anyway, I said no "griping" on this post :)  So, again below is what I posted to all of the Mom's on Facebook. Thus, here it is for all of you also.

Enjoy your kids!!! They grow up much to quickly. Just turn around once, blink your eyes, and within a breaths space, they are grown, often married, with family's of their own, jobs, and all that life entails for them. So, everyone with little tot's please enjoy every moment of the funny, silly, and sometimes messy things they do... for it won't be long, they will be out of high school, out of college and out into the world all their own....

And you shall be wondering where the time went....

With Love, Honor and Wishing All Mom's out there a very Happy Mother's Day!

I wanted to post a "shout out" there to ALL MOMS! Mothers Day is here on Sunday, and before I get too wrapped up in things I want to make sure to let every Mom, Step-Mom, and so on know just how incredible you are. The many nights we've stayed up with them when they were little, or ill, to the days of school, lunches and parties. From the PTA meetings, cupcakes for the class, all of the special birthday parties, holidays and decorations we put out for our kids to enjoy. From the days of worry over them as they grow a bit older, and pray "we've raised them right... those times we think "they didn't come with an instruction manual, and that pain we endured when they were born, and how quickly it melted away as soon as we heard that first cry. They always remain "Our kids" no matter if they are 3 yrs old or 35 years old... kids still are kids to parents... I am so proud of my two "kids"... although both grown, my son 35 soon to be 36 (I think) and my daughter 31soon to be 32 (I think);) and her awesome husband and my 3 great and wonderful grand kids. I so wished we lived closer, we just don't get to see one another as we would like. Yet, life is life, and sometimes things are not exactly as we would like them to be. So, thank goodness for FB, so she can keep me up to date, with pictures of all of their events, and I have got to watch them "grow up" via Facebook! :):) For that I am elated. I wish each and every Mom out there an incredible Mother's Day! Whatever and wherever you get to go, or stay home, visit, rest, and however you celebrate, may you be well, free from pain, if only for that day, and know in your heart, you are a fantastic Mom!!!!