PLEASE Start COMMENTING!!!!

I have lots to catch you up on over the next couple of weeks. I promise I will. I am on a new RA/Lupus medication, that is not a biologic. I will explain what my Rheumatologist told me, and how he has come to the conclusion, that if I can, maybe trying to stay away from a biologic, other than trying Orencia, would help to possibly reduce the number of infections I continue to get. I had been ill from way before Christmas last year, and was ill when I went to D.C. at the end of March! I was having a flare, but I was also I believe even then developing bronchitis that turned into double pneumonia. But, until I was running 104.5 degree temperature and almost out of my mind hallucinating from the high fever (I NEVER have a fever)... thus now I certainly know what to look for if I expect I might be having a new infection coming along.

I am so grateful to ALL of you who come here and read my blog posts. I know you do, and I see who comments and who does not. I will say that up until the last couple of weeks, there was not a good way I could see the comment if there was one, and I certainly had not a good way to see who commented at all, and what they said.

Now Blogger has made some much needed revisions in the Blogger software, and I just have to catch up as to what they have changed, and how I can use what they have done to make my blog even much, much better.

We have a few more things to work out with doctors, finding a "good" pain specialist for Jim and a Neurologist who will take his insurance and take care of problems as they arise. We think we may FINALLY have a couple of good referrals, but we shall see. When it comes to doctors, tests, hospitals, insurance companies, and pharmacies, you never know what the outcome will be.

I am still working on getting my jawbones strong and well enough to withstand the little mini implants that my dentures will snap down on those and be able to let me eat with them in and they not especially the bottom one coming falling out, I am getting there, but it is just taking patience to allow those all to fill in and heal before he can put those implants in and they stay strong enough, and my jawbone strong enough to hold them in. So, I still have at least until November to do X-rays and see where we stand.

I have just completed being a "Consumer Reviewer" that I had been nominated to do and then was asked if I wanted to do it, and of course I said yes. It was a true learning experience but it has provided me with lots of new avenues of advocacy, ambassador, and activist can mean, and how much my opinion and all of our opinions Do MATTER!!!!

On Monday, Jim's birthday.... the 22nd we have an appointment at our lawyers office to go over what will be going on for the depositions. Then on Tuesday we go back in and give our depositions.  Since it is in Ft. Worth, our plans are to stay the night, and possibly go out to eat or something in celebration of Jim's birthday... and who knows... we maybe also celebrating the nightmare of this wreck stuff to finally be coming close to an end... and it coming out in our favor in a very huge way!!!

It is a bit nerve racking, thus I have not talked about it much. I just felt until we are close enough to possibly know when we will know the outcome. So keep us in your thoughts and prayers, as Monday and Tuesday are very significant for us in regard to possibly getting favorable results from the law suit.

I shall put on more tomorrow... as I get some of my other
chores out of my face...


Hugs, Rhia and by the way.. once and again, thank you my dear friend for taking a moment to post here :)                                                                              

"Unwell" ... and if you stay long enough, you shall find and see a very different side of me...

....Right Now I know I am a bit IMPAIRED....

cont. from FB post.

...    for me it is worth mentioning. I became a HUGE" Matchbox 20 “  fan when I was living in Seattle. I had bought their first two CD’s(and yes then CD’s were still a huge market) LOL! Both of them really had some songs on their that “not only touched me back then” BUT it was as if every word they had written, sang, and played music to spoke to this very inner core of my being. I recall walking on Alki (West Seattle looking over the Sound back to the City) Beach, and I played those two CD’s and could walk for hours. There is something un EVERY song, that Rod Thomas sings that just expresses (even now and especially back then) in which sounded like many of my poems and short prose. My live at that time was such an incredibly  wondrous, almost esoteric tempo to it, thus something about most of those lyrics, just reached out and “grabbed” me. Anyone that is a Matchbox Twenty fan, knows the song, “Unwell”. It seemed to be the “theme” of my life at that time! Now, I’m not saying “illness” as far as being physically sick, I really was not “mentally” or “emotionally” challenged either. Yet, for some of those looking outside to within me, may have thought to themselves, she seems a little “Unwell”! The fact was those years in Seattle, especially the last three, were the years that taught me SO MUCH in regards to my strength in all ways, my courage to venture out, to a HUGE city, thousands of miles from any family, or anyone I really “knew” that well; in more ways than I can count, I felt each day, I was “Less” “UNWELL”. Not only all of the above, but I rented my own apartment all by myself (may sound silly to some but for me it was a first; I bought my “own” first “very good” used Honda & knew without any help I could pay my car payment, living expenses, and so on all by myself. I “gained” an independence in my those years more than any other in a lifetime! I interviewed all through the downtown part of the city (LOL! anyone who knows Seattle, knows it has some HUGE hills to go up and down in with very busy city traffic), and in fact had taken two previous jobs I had loved being an apartment manager at both! This new one was at a banking institute and at that time it was MEGA busy due to ALL the interest rates, and the “Fannie May” and all of that boon at that time. I got hired on to help be the assistant to the lady that did all of the last paperwork for home loans. I had to know everything from what a Title Policy needed and looked for, the note, the deed of trust, insurance, flood insurance, all of the truth in lending information….. I was responsible for making sure we had ALL of that paperwork and it was correct before they could “close” on the home loan. We also “sold” off “blocks” of them. Of course that was to have more funds that would ultimately turn into more blocks of loans that were sold off also. You get the picture. My salary was MORE money that I had ever made at any job in my life! Now even though was was a fact, I still had those rent, car and living expenses to think about. But I had figured all of that out and knew I would be fine. :) I got insurance coverage, I kind of worked my “own” hours. I was a morning person. So, I would come in at 7 am, way before any of the rest of them showed up. My direct boss, bless her heart had a young son, she was single, or about to be, and she usually showed up about 9:45 or so. LOL!! That mattered not, because as soon as 8 hours rolled around, I could leave. So, I went home early most days also. )BY THE WAY this is PRE AUTOIMMUNE ILLNESSES DIAGNOSIS) days… I did suffer from severe migraines, did all my life, and they put me down at least 2 days when I had one. Anyway, dream life for me… not rich by no means at all. But, I saved a bit here and there and would buy a new outfit, or treat myself to something like a little TV I bought for my apartment back then, etc. Anyway, I am sure many people that “knew” me then, often wondered if I didn’t have a “screw or two loose”, or was missing a few cards from the deck, a brick or two out of the wall etc… because I was “eccentric”. I “danced” life to my own tunes playing in my head. I wrote more poetry and short prose there than ever. I didn’t have “friends” per se, other than some online that we had known one another for a long time. I dressed as I wanted (at that time I only weighed like 118 pounds and had a waistline that was tiny like Dolly Parton’s… BUT not the “TOP” of the hour glass like she did” HAHAHA!!… I loved clothes and shoes… yet with it just me, and my bills, I bargain hunted on the weekends at the Mall nearby, and bought one thing etc… as I could afford it. Yet, even though I felt “business” dressed, and I was… I honestly believe the supervisor OVER my own supervisor was quite jealous! Never did figure that one out… the ONLY thing I DID figure out is that she was a “backstabbing, manipulating, ladder climbing, crush the persons under you, and a plain “witch” of a boss and a woman. Okay, now to pull all of this “insanity” together… Hey good word for this “insanity” …….LOL!!! That song by Rob Thomas” “ Unwell” was the theme of my life… I even would quote some of it at times when it was appropriate, “Oh, no, I not crazy, I’m just a little “Unwell”… and if you stay you will see a different side of me”. I still “dance to my own “weird” tune inside my head”…. I am NOT one to “go along” with the crowds, and I REFUSE to HURT< BACKSTAB, MANIPULATE …. and all of those other “nasty words” to ANYONE! I am NOT a Ladder climber! And if I did NOT get the “promotion” or raise for some reason, as far as I was concerned, then I needed to do a “better” job… and those things like more money, a further up position, more responsibility… all would come in good time. I remain the same. I will “take up” for the guy or gal being stomped on, I think that is why I just about HATE politics, I am NOT a “used car sale man” (even hough I did do that for a few months in my twenties), … you get the picture… if MY OWN SKILLS, personality, aura, …. does not put me in that place, then I need to “turn my sails” a different direction and get with the winds of change that shall make my sail into my own smooth river happen. There are so many days, that I say just this… I’m not Crazy, I’m just a little Unwell, and if you will stay long enough, you shall see a different side of me…. and it is very true… even here in Facebook, a few of those who have gotten to really “know” ME, not just the illnesses me, etc… but this complex, but simple, conundrum, and dichotomy that makes up the wholeness that I am… of course the “autoimmune illnesses” and age have “changed” me in many ways… yet that creative, tend to flow on a different rivers path “me” is still very much alive and “Well”!!!!  “She” does not show up as much as far as to others outside my very personal life very much, yet, if you “stay” a while… you shall see that “different side” of me… … And to “honor” that song… Here are the lyrics… and they just tell a story that was a piece of my lifetime….

 "UnWell" 

           Lyrics  written by Rob Thomas off of Matchbox Twenty 

"More Than You Think You Are CD"

All day staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall

All night hearing voices telling me

That I should get some sleep

Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on

Feeling like Im headed for a breakdown

And I don't know why

[chorus]

But Im not crazy, Im just a little unwell

I know right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

Im not crazy, Im just a little impaired

I know right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be...me

Im talking to myself in public

Dodging glances on the train

And I know, I know they've all been talking about me

I can hear them whisper

And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me

Out of all the hours thinking

Somehow Ive lost my mind

[chorus]

But Im not crazy, Im just a little unwell

I know right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

Im not crazy, Im just a little impaired

I know right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be

Ive been talking in my sleep

Pretty soon they'll come to get me

Yeah, they're taking me away

[chorus]

But Im not crazy, Im just a little unwell

I know right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

Im not crazy, Im just a little impaired

I know right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be

How I used to be

Well, Im just a little unwell

How I used to be

How I used to be

Im just a little unwell

Holiday "Lost" Spirit & The Apparent Lack Of Giving of Self To Find Your Light

Taking The "Money" Out of the Holidays to find the true Reasons for This Wondrous Season

I usually have posted my "annual Christmas letter" by now. I decided this year to wait. I was not sure I even wanted to post it here and on my blog. I have first hand watched so many people that are dear to me, both "right here" and those that are my "FB Family", go through so much pain, suffering, fear, shock, and dreadful things especially within their health, that I find it very difficult to try and make this holiday season "Happy" and feel "Blessed". How do you feel "blessed" when it is like the entire universe has fallen in on you, and that black hole that the universe came from, has now swallowed you up in it, and pulled everything in on top of you??? I know, I know... Faith!!! I've lived in the footsteps of "faith", "hope", & trying to just "be". I have tried my best to "take all the bad" and try to see that positive side that is supposed to come from the resonating facts that it seems nothing lately is very good. In fact if anything, there is just too much "bad". I managed to write my Christmas Letter this year and I did put it in the Xmas cards I sent out. But, even as positive as I tried to be, I feel the ones who read it, will think I want them to "feel sorry" for us, or think I am griping and moaning. Or they will think "Wow" what a mess? I am holding on by my "fingertips" to the rope of faith that always in the past, has "sustained" me, no matter how bad things got. In my past life, things at one time or the other probably have been "worse" in many ways. But, as far as health wise, for myself, my family, and so many of you, it cannot get much worse! I hear it, I see it, I read it daily, everywhere you turn, people are hurting. I know in other ways we hurt also, but I am speaking more about the "physical" pain so many of us are dealing with. From all of the drama around autoimmune diseases, which seem to be running rampant in our world, to those I know that are so dear to me battling cancer, several with diabetes that have now had to begin having dialysis due to kidney failure. These are people in the prime of life! Many my age, and like myself, they are seriously ill in one way or the other. Yesterday, I open our tiny daily paper, and TWO guys 19 YEARS old, were in the "Obituary" column! I was just flabbergasted to say the least! I could not believe my eyes. And what makes it worse, it has been that way now for months. It seems like each day, I open our "Daily Paper" there are people who are in there early 50's and some much younger that are passing away! I realize Ellis County is not tiny, but it certainly is not some huge county with many large cities in it! We have no "cities", but more like towns. Even our county seat, Waxahachie, is not a huge city by any means. So, how can so many people, at such a young age, in a smaller community like this, be so very ill?? It seems like insanity! I had a talk with Jim after seeing the "evening news" yesterday, that all we hear on the news or read, is "bad". Nothing "good" is ever broadcasted. As we talked about it, he said it is because "good news" does NOT sell! In other words, our news is full of the "bad" because that is what brings readers and watchers in! How sad is that? As I began to repute his statement, I began to wonder if what he said is really true? Have we become a society so complacent, so weary, so looking for the dramatic and the shocking, that "good news" does not sell? I have to think he is probably quite right. Look around. Even with the "spirit" of what this season is all about... greed, money, more about "how much" you buy and give for gifts, how "pretty" your tree or decor is, how many gifts under the tree, how many parties you attend, with the latest dress and accessories on... along with how many toys the kids get, how much you spend on your kids, getting them the "latest and best" and most wanted toys on the market, not sparing what you spend at all. I've watched my "debit" card purchases lately be so slow in going through the system. I thought about it, and it is because SO MANY people are going DEEP into Debt, for the New Year that is not even here yet! Those credit card limits are moving to the max fast for many, because rather than being about the "pure" meaning of this holiday, the monetary portion has become number one! The part about the birth of Christ, and what His journey on this earth meant, until the day His "mortal" life was taken, so He could stand in the place of us for all of our many transgressions. I know that the "season of giving", pretty lights, and festive decor are a part of the celebration of His birth. But, we have become totally wrapped up in buying, spending, and thinking about the material things, that the spiritual has been thrown out the window, bath water, bucket, baby and all... as the old saying goes... Rather than getting "better", it seems to just get worse every year. I've witnessed it here my hometown for weeks!!! No matter WHEN I go to the market, or any store in town, no matter the time, the day, everyone is packed like sardines in the stores!!! I have to wonder how people are shopping constantly??? In the middle of the week during the early morning, and early afternoons, the stores are full! I told Jim it appears that people just stay in town, and it is vicious circle... they just drive and shop from one store to the other and must never go home! It sounds like a joke, but heck how can people afford to be in stores constantly??? I try MY BEST to STAY away from shopping!!! The longer I can remain at home, out of all the stores, the less money I am throwing out the window. I've found that "stuff" that I used to think was so necessary, I have come to not need nor miss at all. So, when I began to "make do" with what I have at home, I dramatically lowered our "cost of living" each month. Yet, even with all of the coupons, sales, free stuff, stock piling, and shopping as wisely as possible with always a list that I try my best to never swerve off of, we are basically in the hole monetarily like everyone else. Between the two of us, just the medical bills have been ridiculous the past month or two. Jim has no insurance, so when you are a "cash pay" patient, it does not take long for the "cash" to run out! And we have just about "cash paid" ourselves to be considered in the poor house. I am rambling on. I so wanted this to be about the "sunny" and positive light of the season. But, when every day you run into those that have the same horror stories in their own lives, it makes it difficult to find the "light" in that black hole of darkness. I still "stand" on my rock of faith. But, at times it feels like the waters of life have "broken" down that foundation some. I lately, have not felt as strong and sturdy on my faith's foundation as I usually do. Maybe all of us feel this way, but just don't want to admit it... So, call me a scrooge... or think I am crazy, maybe feel like I am giving myself a "pity party", but no this is not about "me" but about the "droves" of us all around, everywhere I look... I DO WISH YOU a Better Day, and beautiful warmth of family, friends, food, peace, understanding, good health & most of all love during this holiday season. I also pray with all my heart, we each find "our" foundation sturdy once again... As I try to cast my burdens off my shoulders, and give them over to my Higher Power, I pray we are all healed, mind, body, heart and soul.... Merry Christmas!!! Rhia

Autoimmune Arthritic Illnesses - Finding it not "Easy" ... To Be... Me.

An Autoimmune Space - Is it every Easy - to Be - "Your" own Me?

I heard this song last night on a movie we were watching... Oddly enough I found that David Grey's songs really hit home with me, when I was brand new in a huge city. I had never lived anywhere but a small town, & huge cities were something I "visited" to go shopping, to doctors and so forth. I got "introduced" to this man's music just after moving there, when my entire world had been completely transformed. I had gotten on a bus and road for almost 3 straight days and nights, to a job that I had never done, in the middle of Seattle that I knew nothing about, would have to "learn" how to go back and forth from Seattle to the islands around such as Bainbridge, drive in a city that had almost "mountains" in places in the main streets & to where every single thing in my whole life was going to be in the "background". I shall be "reborn" in a manner, you could call it. I was doing a job I never had done before, which was being an assistant manager at one of the apartment buildings in the "creative & quirky" part of Seattle known as Capitol Hill. Even the way of speaking was different there. Words we frequently used in Texas were not said much in Seattle. For instance, the "grocery store" as we called it most of the time in Texas, was the "market" in Seattle. Dinner was used, not "supper".  I slowly "self-learned" to try and "lose" my "Texas dialect" and try to sounds more like a I was "home grown" in Seattle. Of course you can take the girl out of TX, BUT you can never take the Texas Accent out of the girl! Just about everywhere I went the first question was after I said "Hello" was where are you from? I got asked if I were from "GA, MS, NC & several others that people tend to associate with a "southern accent". Yet, even though Texas is considered southern, they have their own unique accent. In fact we sound like a bunch of hicks from the hills. I couldn't completely take away the inflection from my born and bred accent, but what I could do is sound "less" like a southern dummy, and more educated. By the way, the FIRST thing just about every person, man or woman, said to me after I opened my mouth and they heard me speak was "Oh, that is so charming"! Man I almost hated to hear someone say that after while. I did NOT want to sound "charming". To me that just indicated I still sounded like some South Southern woman, who was about as dumb as a brick, drinking iced tea with a sprig of mint in it, wearing some frilly, flowery dress & ordering her many "staff" around all day long. Thus charming did not set well with me... LOL...

Of course being in Seattle for 5 years did "rub off" on me. I began to use "their" colloquialisms. In fact, I brought some of those back withe me to Texas. I never "wash clothes", I do laundry. I never to go the grocery store, I go to the market, the ending meal of the day is not Supper, it is Dinner. By the way I did learn another tidbit of information on "West" coast speaking from a dear friend in Lancaster CA.  One day I was talking about their local sheriff's department staff and I called them the "county boys". She about fell over laughing as she asked me to say that again. Never had she heard the term for the County Sheriff's Officers, called the County Boys. Another one she had not heard, and I noticed it in Seattle also. A "toliet" on this side of the USA is known as a toliet. In Texas it is also a commode. Along with several other "slang" terms. The "pot" is one my Mom says all the time. I think I've rubbed off on her a bit though. I notice now she may say restroom, rather than the pot etc. And when you went to “do laundry” on the western part of the country, in the south you were “washing clothes”. Now the funny thing about that one is due to my Texas accent, it sounds more like “warshing clothes, rather than washing. So of course that just made her laugh more. In fact, I have so many little “sayings” “comparisons”, things my Dad would say, and you hear from on television now or in a place that is quite southern in nature, or Texan, you will hear a few of the sayings my Dad said so often they just rubbed off on me. For instance if you are chronically late for an appointment, Dad would say “He would be late for his own funeral”. Let’s say some one happened to be a bit uneducated, or just say something “off” that may sound a bit stupid, he might say “He couldn’t pour “pee”, with instructions on the heel, or if someone may be a bit frugal with their money, then you might hear, “He is so tight he has to screw his britches on in the morning”. LOL!!!! Believe me, I could write an entire book, on just the sayings I heard all my life, and many of them come straight out of my mouth quite frequently. My husband told me I had so many of these “sayings” that came from my years of growing up with my Dad, and here in Texas, that I should write an entire book on them. I probably do have plenty for a short book honestly. When I sit here and begin to think about them, I can recall hundred’s if I made my mind up to get them all written down. 

The point of all of these things that I am talking about is to find out, even though all of us speak “English” and I guess technically, “American English”. Yet, if you traveled through most of the 50 states, you would find there are all types of sayings, dialects, or colloquialisms in just about every state. I also found out that in some states, they really do not have a quirking type of accent, such as someone from the Southern states, and so forth. They barely have an accent at all. Seattle was that way. There really was not any “accent” or particular dialect. That was what made them different, rather than having a great deal of inflection in their speech.

Onto, the beginning of all of this. Being an absolute music lover, of almost all types of music except Opera, I listened to music almost 24/7/365 when I could. I had probably heard a “David Gray” song in TX a time or two, but I never knew who he was. So, some of the people in the Seattle area really loved his music. Thus, I was introduced to his particular style and sound, of lyrics and music & I just loved it. His lyrics “spoke” to me, especially about how I had came through such a horrendous journey, allowing lots of water to flow under my own bridges, as I burned some, mended others, and built some new and stronger ones.  Another one of my favorite songs, and it is the chorus that I truly love is

(There’s so much time to make up, everywhere you turn, time we have wasted on the way, so much water moving underneath the bridge, let the waters come and carry you away.) Crosby, Stills, and Nash….

Then I hear these lyrics by David Grey, along with many of his songs, and lyrics. When I heard this one in particular, it summed up for me, all that at that time in space for me, I felt the same as the song says, “It’s not easy to be…. me”.

(Lyrics by David Gray - It’s not Easy To Be Me.

"I can’t stand to fly

I’m not that naive

I’m just out to find

The better part of me 

I’m more than a bird…I’m more than a plane

More than some pretty face beside a train

It’s not easy to be me

I wish that I could cry

Fall upon my knees

Find a way to lie

'bout a home I’ll never see 

It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive

Even Heroes have the right to bleed

I may be disturbed…but won’t you concede

Even Heroes have the right to dream

It’s not easy to be me 

Up, up and away…away from me

Well it’s all right…You can all sleep sound tonight

I’m not crazy…or anything… 

I can’t stand to fly

I’m not that naive

Men weren’t meant to ride

With clouds between their knees 

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet

Digging for kryptonite on this one way street

Only a man in a funny red sheet

Looking for special things inside of me 

inside of me ...... inside of me ...(x2)

I’m only a man in a funny red sheet

I’m only a man looking for a dream

I’m only a man in a funny red sheet

It’s not easy ... wu.. hoo.. hoo..

___________________________________________________

I don’t mean this in a haughty, self-righteous way. I meant it in a way, that everyone expected me to be this “Super Human”, with the answers to it all. It seemed I was expected to be “perfect”, yet I was just a woman, and women have to bleed, and I was truly looking for a dream. Part of that dream coming true was found by me in Seattle. 

Every once in a while my Mom and I are talking, and some subject comes up about me and living in Seattle for so long. Honestly, if circumstances wee different, I am almost positive I would still be in Seattle. Where you did not need screens on your windows, no bugs and flies were. For the most part your windows could be open much of the year. Many places had no air conditioning, because you didn’t need it. The seasons there are so mild, Summer is rarely very hot, the Winters are somewhat cold, and you do need heat, much of which was baseboard heating, that I had never seen. Or many of the older apartments in down town still had the old fashioned, boiler type heaters. The ones that are usually sitting in rooms, all iron and they go in loops. A boiler keeps the water hot, and it flows through pipes up to these iron steam type heaters. I had never experienced anywhere that did not require screen on windows or A/C units. 

Mom sometimes brings up really silly questions that I’ve answered 20 plus times about my being there for those years. I healed in Seattle. I did NOT WANT to “come home” to Texas. When that bus hit the road from Ennis, and I got to the Dallas bus hub, and hopped on the one that would take me to Washington State, I never looked back. The healing of my heart, emotions, mind, and my body at that time began. I felt alive, and as if the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. As those years began to slowly heal me there, the last thing I wanted to do, is come back to the very place, that caused me so much grief. Sometimes it is difficult for other people, especially those closest to you to understand ideas about loved ones because they are too close to the situation. There is no way to look at something “objectively” if you have your own heart and spirit. 

The “waters” that carried me under those bridges, came full circle and brought me back to where I began the journey. Yet, this time I was much different than when I left. I had put my own self back together again. I did it by myself. I didn’t have anyone to “tell” me or express to me what “they” that I should do. I did exactly as I wanted to do. So, when I entered my “home town” after 5 plus years, I was very different. In a good way. I’m not sure my two kids and Mom, may not have seen it, but I knew it. That was what counted. One thing that I didn’t realize was that I had not fully grieved the loss of my Dad, earlier that year. I thought I had. I felt angry, bitter, mad, sad, and so many more emotions that I was not expecting to be here to slap me in right in the face and hit me in the gut so hard. 

After once again delivering a small novelette to my readers, I am sure some of you maybe wondering “does this have one thing to do with Autoimmune Arthritic Illnesses”?

To answer that question is “YES! Absolutely!” Although I had shown many “symptoms” of Autoimmune Arthritic Illnesses, for many years of my life, even when I came back to Texas, 2005, I had not been given a diagnosis of any type of autoimmune illness. I had heart Degenerative Disc and Joint Disease. I had heard that my joints were just “Falling apart”. I had 2 Arthroscopic knee surgeries in 2007, one on my right shoulder, my left wrist repaired, and was in chronically severe pain every day of my life. I was exhausted all the time, my brain seemed not to function, I began to “feel” sick frequently. Then came the “pain pump” surgery to put in internally. There has only been 1 doctor back in Seattle to mention he felt I needed to see a Rheumatologist. He was sitting that appointment up, but we moved from WA state a few weeks before the appointment. So, I am not quite sure what brought the entire symptom/subject around to my PCP and I. I believe it was just a mixture of symptoms, and possibly my own research over these same symptoms, pain, fatigue, my joints being so fragile, my fingers slightly bent, and so forth. So, between his thoughts on it, and my thoughts on what I had read, he ordered about 28 tubes of blood to send off to do the ANA and every other possible test for any type of autoimmune disease. It took them a couple of hours to even get all of that blood out of me. My veins roll, and are thin. So believe me when I say it took several sticks, and several lab techs to get enough blood in those many, many tubes. 

A week or more later, I got a call from his nurse saying he had the labs back and he wanted to discuss the results. Of course I knew something mush have shown up, or he would have just had her tell me all of the labs were normal. I “hoped” as horrible is this sounds, they all of those lab tests showed SOMETHING WRONG with me! Sure enough my ANA levels, inflammation blood labs were off, along with several issues the lead to him thinking first of all I had Lupus, along with Osteoarthritis. He immediately sent me to a Rheumatologist who was very intelligent. He was elderly, and probably needed to retire, but he still knew what was important as far as labs, and as he examined me, along with asking all the questions he needed answers on, he felt it “maybe” Lupus/RA, BUT due to the wide variety of symptoms that he seen, he first diagnosed with Mixed Connective Tissue Disorder. I did not know a great deal about this particular chronic illness honestly. I first thought maybe it was another one of those “trash can” diagnosis, used when doctors can’t put an exact finger on a real diagnosis. He had told me on the very first visit, after doing X-rays of my feet/toes and hand/fingers, that I showed quite a bit of damage in my toes, fingers and especially my thumbs. He also told me I had Raynauds. He mentioned that I suffered from “hyper-flexing” of my joints. We call some people “double jointed” when they seem to be so limber, but this meant my joints tended to bend backward rather than just straighten out when I was walking and so forth. In other words rather than my knees “stopping” in their proper position when I took a step, it was like my knee would continue to push out further, thus many of my joints did the same. It was also another symptom, of all of the autoimmune disorders that were to come. I went to him for about nine months. He did a great job with extensive blood work, and examining me with each visit. He also had the greatest bed side manner, plus he had to be pushing 75 or 80 possibly years old. Yet he would remember each and every detail about the patient and if a spouse came, the spouse also. He called Jim by his name every visit. He would ask him questions, and have Jim involved in the entire visit. He also rarely looked at my chart. When he came into that examination room, he had everything in mind. He has to have the the best memory I’ve ever seen. Once all of the blood work, X-rays and so on were complete, and he still decided he was not quite sure about the Lupus/RA yet, he put me on Plaquenil. The only ONE thing that both my husband and I really was disappointed with him was, that he did NOT believe in “aggressive” therapy. In fact he even showed on paperwork to still be doing “gold injections”. Which as far as I know have been not done in many years. He also was truly not versed on the newer medications, such as the biologics, that were really coming out strongly about that time. 

So, I began the hunt for a new Rheumatologist. That turned out to be a nightmare! Little did I know many of the “Rheumys” out there, specialize, in one way or the other. I met one that believed ONLY in labs. She was not going to budge on any medications, and she did not care how badly the pain was, stiffness was, and honestly almost took me off of what medications I was already on. At that time I was still on the Plaquenil, plus my regular MD had put me on Methotrexate by then. I went to about 3 visits, and ran. I went to another one that sounded promising. He was more of a “research” and clinical trial for Lupus Rheumy. I ran into one that supposedly was one of the top Rheumatologists in Dallas. It was this huge, fancy, entire group of doctors who had 3 floors in a office building in Dallas. It did not take me but around 20 seconds and I ran. He did not agree with anything any of the other physicians had said. He frankly told me he thought I was just another one of those with “Fibromyalgia”, and that UNLESS my blood work was extremely abnormal, I really was mostly wasting his time and mine. I guess he was a nonbeliever in sero-negative  Rheumatoid Arthritis. Besides, he was just another “click” up the ladder to the researchers, clinical trials bunch (don’t get me wrong I am all for clinical trials) but there was just something about him and another one I saw that gave me the creeps. I’ve never looked it up, but I know in some form or fashion, these physicians that do participate in clinical trials must get compensated for it. After I seen and heard what I did, I figure they must get a pretty heavy load of compensation in one way or the other for participating in them. 

FINALLY due to a dear friend, who in fact I met on Facebook, led me to the very BEST, venturing to say Rheumatologist in TX for sure. I bet he would rank very high up on the scales in the entire nation! He is an “aggressive” thinker. He also LIKES the fact patients educate themselves, research their symptoms, medications and illnesses. He appreciates those who help him, by helping themselves. In several occasions, I’ve went in to see him with a note about a different medication, or if we can try this, that or the other. And unless he has some really specific reason for NOT using it on me, which it fully explains his reasoning, “we (him and I) have followed some of the things I suggested. As I always say, I am NOT an expert, not a doctor, etc…. but when it comes to MY OWN BODY, I am ranking very high on the expert level of what I feel will help or not help me. Most of us are “experts” when it comes to our own bodies, illnesses, medications, and so on.

Now, to the final “summary” of why all of this long, drawn out detailed story comes about, after me hearing a song that is so “special” to me is, I found my very first deep understanding of myself, and my own life, that 5 years in Seattle. At times is was not a grand picnic. I was lonely some, there was no one there to help me with anything. In fact my car gave me some issues, just before I was leaving on a vacation, and I had to trust my instincts, along with trust people I had been working with, on a mechanic. So, as incredibly much of strength, determination, self-worth, feeling I was capable of taking care of me and all of those good things that so changed in me was only the first leg of that journey.

Alas, what transpired in Seattle to change me, and make me stronger, wiser, and more determined also helped me to be right here, right now, facing each and every hurdle that comes my (our) way.

Coming back “home”, facing the loss of my Dad, and finally facing my own extremely potentially “serious” and could be down right deadly diseases, 8 plus surgeries within 2 years, and all of the other million things here, I WAS able to first of all, be me. I found “me” in Seattle. And “she” came back with “me”. So, “no I can’t stand and fly, and I’m not that naive, I’m just out to find”, “the better part of me” - Even “super people” truly bleed, I’m more than a plane and more than some pretty face aboard a train… yet It’s Not Easy To Be…Me….

p.s. It’s not easy…. for anyone of us dealing with autoimmune illnesses, which rule our very existence so much… to be YOUR own “me”. 

Living Life In An AutoImmune Illness "Zone"....

Life as we have lived it... and now Life as WE that deal with AutoImmune illnesses Live it Differently  - Yet Happily!

As some of you know, I live in TX, just below the Dallas area. WE are having our first blast of very COLD weather today and over the next few days. We are now under a Winter Storm Advisory, with possibly sleet, ice, and some snow. Usually we get more ice than the fun stuff, snow. As I was talking about on FB, how I can "predict" the weather almost better than the forecasters can, the memories came pouring back to me of when I was able to go snow skiing. For years, before I had all of the illnesses happen, we went snow skiing, every year the week of my birthday. It was our annual vacation, that I saved up for as soon as I got home from the one we were on. I put money back in a "Christmas savings" fund every week for the entire year. Part we used for Santa and Christmas and the other was for our trip. Those are still some incredible memories for me. That was a time when I was on those skis, I felt completely "FREE". All of the snow and the forests, and just a quiet feeling of peace always came over me as I started down the mountain. Don't get me wrong... I took some hellacious spills. We always made videos so we could laugh about each other and our "Oh Crap" falls. You knew when one of us was going to take a very funny fall, because "Oh Crap" was all you heard! ;) Anyway, below is the post from Face Book that I wanted to share with everyone here. 

This may not sound like a "post" about autoimmune arthritic illnesses, yet it has all to do with then for me. Now I can no longer snow ski. In fact there are many things that have been crossed off my list, because I no longer do them. Mowing my lawn, and tilling the garden. Going to the lake and being in the sun. Making plans like a trip for something to do months away. I never know even a week before something is planned if I am going to be able to go or not. There are times I feel so bad that I cancel doctors appointments. I am just too fatigued to go, especially if the appointment are in Dallas. 

This comes to the place of why I can't do things any longer. It is certainly not age. There are MANY people I saw on those slopes as Wolf Creek Pass that were in their 70's. I am sure some of them lived close, so they have much more practice. But it is just the point "age" does not necessarily cause someone to stop doing things they enjoy doing. As you are reading this, I am sure you are thinking back to the times that are special to you also. Vacations, visiting family or friends, gardening, riding a bike, just a number of things that so many love to do, and do it. Age is not the factor at all. 

But, having an illness that can even strike when you are very young, in your teens, can stop you from doing many things that you loved to do, or would love to do. Is it a difficult thing to handle? You bet it is. I know I speak for not just myself but ALL of us with an Autoimmune Arthritic Illness, or any type of Autoimmune illness and/or Chronic Pain/Chronic Illnesses such as FM and CFS that also take away so many things in life that either we once took for granted; or at least never gave a thought that we would not be able to do them "the next time". Yet, it can strike anyone. Even though "women" are probably 80 more times or more to come down with one of these illnesses, men are also victims of these diseases. So, they do not discriminate when it comes to gender, age, or race. I have read articles and I am sure to do those studies that African-American people are more prone to these illnesses such as Lupus than other genders. I am sure researchers have been studying that one a great deal to find out why a nationality would make a difference. Also, why so many more women are much more likely to get the disease than men. 

My point to this is one, I did have some great memories flow through my mind when it comes to snowy weather. I also have these "blasting" memories of how much these horrid diseases take away from our lives. From changing relationships, families, jobs, and everything about your life basically, all of us can't help but be angry at times about it. Even though like myself, we come to accept it for the most part, I still feel at times like a piece of me has died... has left me... and changed me forevermore.

WE do learn to deal with it. I have in most ways. You find ways to compensate for what an autoimmune illness takes away. You learn new hobbies, or a different way to do them. You discover another way in a relationship to be close, and educate your spouse, and your family so they will truly understand the "why" of the things you can't do. 

As I often talk about my life, a flowing river, where there are bends, turns, white rushing waters, and then the bridges I flow under. The climb to the top of life's mountain. I scratch, crawl, and inch my way up, and sometimes I slide back down, as the rocks and stones may scar me, I still look up and know that is where I am supposed to be. 

For the rest of the year, and into the next year, I hope each of you who suffer and are inflicted with these still misunderstood life altering illnesses, such as RA, :Lupus, Sjogren's, MS, Still's disease, MCTD, UCTD, JA, pernicious anemia and the 100 other AI diseases out there, can look UP and reach up to see that you also can stand atop your own "life"s mountain".... and reach up to the stars... and feel whole again... even if that means you must "change" how you enjoy life in a new way!!!!


This below is a Face Book post from this morning... I wanted to say it also along with the above writing.... 

 I imagine you are probably getting it up there worse than we are. they have changed the forecast so many times the past week, I was not sure what it was going to do.  But my "bones" always let me know... My thumbs and fingers have been extremely bad this past week or so. Not just pain... now it is more of them not wanting to bend, I have like almost "zero" flexibility. I can't hold onto things That has been going on for a while now. That is partially why I suspected MS along with all of the other ailments. I have just lost so much grip and strength in my hands, arms, fingers, and I notice it lately even in my legs. IF I am up for a long while at the house doing things, or I go to "Wally World" and walk for a long while in there, my legs feel like "rubber bands" of jello ... I feel as if I am going to just collapse. I guess partially illnesses, partially all of the surgeries, and then I guess I have to account for getter older!!! Even though that is NT one I really want to ADMIT!  Kind of like my memory... if I forget, or can't remember, I blame it on the brain fog...  better than saying maybe I have dementia... You stay warm up there and out of this weather... and of course avoid all of the "no driving fools" that try to drive in ice. No way most Texans from in this part can drive on ice. HAHAH Many of them can't drive on dry pavement, much less wet or icy!!! Speaking about "black ice" on the roads. One year we were coming home from snow skiing in Pagosa Springs, CO... at Wolf Creek Pass (some great memories of snow skiing for me)... we left Santa Fe... and already knew it was a possibility the roads could be bad. We got to the main highway from Santa Fe (I-40) to head to Amarillo state and all of a sudden we felt the van just slip a little... it was a solid sheet of thin ice on the roads and of course you can't see it. Anyway, we slowed down to a crawl. In fact we happened to have borrowed a friends van so we sure as heck did not want to be in a wreck, much less a friend's vehicle.. suddenly here comes an 18 wheeler SIDEWAYS beside us just flying past. He jackknifed it into the medium and then here comes several cars, and they were not expecting it. Each one that went around us were in the ditch when we got up ahead. In fact, we drove on to Amarillo, but it took us something like 12 HOURS to get there. We called 911 and reported the accidents, but the entire way there were cars and 18-wheeler in the ditches. It was nuts. Believe me I felt that the Lord was helping to drive that van for sure.

A Positive Light for a Change in a rather darkened world right now...

It seems everywhere we turn something bad is going on. Whether it be more bad news about the war, its casualties, the economy, foreclosures, Wall Street, job losses, Mother's Natures Wrath, and a million other terrible catastrophes, from our local news to the internet, the bad stuff is all around. I like watching Brian Williams on the Nightly News, because they always end the program with something or someone "Making a Difference" for the good.

I was in Care 2 this morning and found this site. The gentleman is doing something out of the kindness of his heart for the good. I joined the site and thought you may like to also. The link is below:


http://itstartswith.us/about/index.html


The good things start with us. Once voice, one good deed, and it can snow ball quickly into something terrific.


I was happy when I saw the site, and rather than posting about something lousy again, I decided to share something spectacular!

Rhia