Stressing Out, Trying to Cope, with surgeries,health,family,doctors, and trying to "get over" all that I cannot "fix".... Weather,Chronic Pain,RA,Doctors,Hip surgery & Life

For some reason (and I know partially some of the reasons) I am just in such an odd, feeling like I am just totally forgotten about, crappy mood that I've been trying to "shake" now for a week or more. I know the weather does not help, this HOT one moment, and in a few hours, COLD, dreary, and you need a coat on, and then that makes my entire body almost have this deep ache, especially in my joints. Even the entire leg from the hip all the way to my foot, has an ache to it... and it was not like that right after the surgeries. In fact after it was repaired, I did not have a HUGE amount of pain, but enough I had to take medication to do my PT, etc... 

But now, even again this morning, I woke up to a horrid headache, that then made me sick to my stomach, and I knew better than to drink any coffee if my stomach is nauseated... that just makes it worse. So, I made a cup of hot tea instead and that seemed to help calm my stomach and I took my nausea meds also. then of course although it was sunny yesterday, with the wind it was still really to COOL to do much outside.. So, wake up this morning to not rain yet, but now it has clouded over, and we have a pretty good have of rain or even thunderstorms later this evening, in to tomorrow and maybe rain on Tuesday also. Plus the ordeal with my Surgeons' office Friday left me pissed... I wanted to make sure I had seen him BEFORE going to my Rheumatologist, so I would have the latest X=ray and know how the hip is healing etc. Plus I have a bit of a purple spot, and have had some what I figure is "nerve pain" down that entire leg, but more than likely that is from my back. 

It is still annoying because I get home to find out they rescheduled my appt for the SAME DAY AS MY RHEUMATOLOGIST IN DALLAS!!!! Well, of course that won't work, so now I have to get them to hopefully schedule it BEFORE I go to my Rheumy. because we want to try new medication the RA is getting so much worse, especially in my thumbs, fingers and wrists. My right hand has swollen spots on it almost all the time now or especially if I do lots of things using my hands... from cutting small branches, to washing my car, even driving makes my thumbs and fingers (the 2 next to my thumb) "go to sleep" or be numb. It is annoying plus that tells me the RA is progressing, which is the last thing I need to happen. I've been trying to keep as busy as possible doing cleaning, throwing away stuff that needs to go, taking care of all of my plants, ready to put them outside as soon as I can... a couple of them HATE being inside during the winter and will look like they are going to die while inside.

 I even put my cool mist humidifier in the room and run it several hours a day. Anyway, I have PLENTY to do that can keep me busy, just going through, and as I said throwing away old things, or getting rid of stuff I know I will never use. I keep lots of things (a few certain things not like a hoarder) LOL that I feel may come in handy later. Sure enough there are many times, something comes up and I need a certain thing, then I recall, I put something away,, that may work, and I don't have to buy anything, or run out to the store, etc. But, there are also things I hang onto knowing fully well, they just need to be trashed. I even do that with coupons now. I cut out what I need and throw away the rest. I had been taking them to the girls at Wal-greens, but so many of them are gone, or they may not have small babies that need certain items that I have coupons for etc. I also pitched a couple pair of old sandals. I had been just using them around in the yard during the hot months, but I had basically "glued" them one or twice, the stone kept falling out of another pair, that we worn out, and stuff like "half-slips" OMG I cannot recall the last time I needed any type of "slip" under clothing - Women's clothes are different or they have a liner in them thus no need for a slip etc. And I had a billion samples of all kinds of shampoo, and those types of things, that I had accumulated over 5 or 6 years, and some of it, was just too old, and needed to be trashed. I also have been going through all of my "hand tools"... like for my plants, hand tools for my yard, spades, things like paint brushes, items to work on my windows with, screws, nuts, bolts, nails, sheet rock things, my screwdrivers, cordless drill, and just an entire "collection" of things such as screws, nuts, bolts, I never throw away, I can guarantee I will need one that size later, so I have been putting those in empty pill bottles, I take off the labels and save some to put those types of things in them. I have several bins, many need nose pliers, vice grips, small saws, hammers, and as I said you name it, I have kept them... so they are going to finally be organized and I went ahead and ordered the "cabinet" with doors - so many, of those types of things can be put away, organized, rather than sitting in a couple of boxes on table tops taking up space, and causing me to have to dig through things when i need something. 

BUT, EVEN WITH ALL OF THAT, I GUESS I AM SICK OF FEELING OR BRING ILL, OR NOT FEELING WELL, or "not doing some stuff" until I get another "review" about my hip and foot. I am just frustrated, with myself, with all of the catching up, with stuff I "am not sure" whether I should do or not... which is really stupid. My surgeon told me last time I was there, I could basically "DO" What I FELT I COULD DO... LOL! not things such as sky-diving, or up on a ten-foot ladder painting right now, or trying to pick up things that are too heavy, and that is more for my neck and back, than it is my hip. I do know I've got some pain from the hip that runs down the inside of my thigh, and they say that can be very present, and is likely after a hip fracture and repair.

 I am also using muscles that were not used for 6 weeks or more... while I was in the hospital and them Rehab Inpatient PT. But, they really were giving me a workout in PT honestly. So, I am avidly doing my ankle and foot exercises, and I make sure I do them with both legs, so both feel strong. I had sprained the left ankle a couple of times also, and due to the flat feet, that tendency to "re--sprain" or for those muscles and tendons to be loose is probably there in that foot too. Right now, I am just having to MAKE MYSELF SIT HERE AND TYPE!!!! It makes my neck and shoulders hurt if I type for very long, a well as my thumbs,fingers and wrists. I guess in "wrapping" up this ongoing FB post, I will close with I know MANY of us are going through the same thing. But, I think I expected "more out of myself" than where I am.

I also felt I would be more "settled" with all of the medical things, so I could get my neck fixed... I know I probably face lower back surgery, especially since we found out I had that "missing lamina" that they feel I was that way, without it there in that area, and I know my discs there are not good either... and even though it's been 8 months or so since Mom passed away, I am still dealing with her, paperwork and stuff, but also that I still in ways grieve for her, and find myself almost "LOST" with her no longer around. I catch myself thinking "I should call Mom and tell her, this, that or the other"... then it dawns on me, that she is not "reachable" from here anymore... so LOTS of "stuff" even more than I've poured out here is causing me to really have a great deal of "stress" that some is really useless... if I can't "fix" it then I should not stress over it....

Coping with Loss - Life changed by Autoimmune Illnesses, & all kind of other health ailments, complications, & the thought of a chronic illness taking your very life away...

Over the past several years the subject of having autoimmune illnesses, along with my other health issues.... many of them due to the AIs... a voice sometimes brings up the loss we suffer when the very life we have made is jerked out from under you.

You begin to research, to see specialists, to try medications that can have as bad of side effects as the disease themselves do... you know that once you find out that your total immune system has been hijacked by these horrid diseases, your chances of survival becomes less.

We ALL have times we think about dying... passing away to move from this world into another, whatever you think that may be for you...

Whether you have a brush with death from a bad accident, from another disease, such as cancer, diabetes, or possibly some other issue from Mother Natures storms, to those who choose to walk into a public place and open fire on unsuspecting individuals, or crash planes into buildings, that would just as soon blow themselves up in the name of their religion... there are many ways that some of us may face whether our time is up on Earth, and feel that near death experience is often a wake up call, for us to do something different in our lives.

I have encountered more of these, than I care to admit actually. A 4-wheeler accident at 25 years old, nearly within inches as I centered the front of a car, and I went completely over the top of that car, after my mouth hitting the hood ornament, and for fortunately the momentum threw me completely on the black top behind it and not through the windshield... or I would have never made it...

Then at age 40, I suffered a heart attack, that at first the doctors thought caused severe damage to my heart muscle, and it was not until I was transported to Dallas and had an angiogram, was I told I was extremely lucky, that there was very little damage to my heart... and


in 2010 after a night of being suddenly so extremely ill that I literally could not walk, and throwing up green bile... having a gallbladder removed, which something went terribly wrong and I had to spend 6 weeks in a hospital in Dallas, and at the time again, they were not sure exactly what was wrong.. I was in and out of surgeries several times, and supposedly one issue with a cut in one of my bile ducts. It was allowing toxins to pour into my abdominal cavity, thus again I was just meant to still be here, because I finally did get well, yet before I left that hospital I suffered a 2nd heart attack. Due to all of the stress emotionally and the toll my body had been through, the felt it was more from an artery in spasms, and I have so far not had to have any type of stent etc... all so far is being treated with medications, for which I am grateful.


Till this day, even my own Primary Care Doctor tells me, that I certainly was meant to be here, because he feared for my life when all of that went down. Now, with the Lupus, RA, Sjogrens and so forth, along with medications such as Predisone, Biologics, and my other health factors, if I allowed myself to, I could bury myself under neath my bed, and not face life daily.

So, a couple of days ago, I was listening to the radio while running errands and Tim McGraw and his song, Live like You were Dying ... came on... I have always loved that song and it hit me after the ordeal recently with the cellulitis, so many antibiotics, the stomach and intestinal whoa s I have been through, along with the concern over my own need for lower lumbar/sacral surgery... and of course knowing these AI illnesses, along with my other health issues leaves me many times over of becoming ill with something that could take my life in an instant... my Rheumatologist has reminded me more than once my chances just due to the RA of having a heart attack are like 50% more than a person without RA.

I have a dear friend, and she is suffering after being cancer free for over 30 years (she had cancer while we were still in high school and beat it), it has case back and has truly shook her to the core...  things for her truly have been a great deal like my own, with those people you had come to county on, suddenly just walk out on you... when you need them the very most.... and even with someone there you still feel frightened by the what if this, that or the other...

I also find myself, as well as many others, not wanting to talk about the subject - of course it is human nature to hide those feelings and try to surpress those horrible thoughts, yet they have a way of creeping in and I have found my own best way is when it comes up in thought to myself, I must work it all out and not try and ignore the facts... facing all of the possibilities for me has been a long road, but it has truly helped me to learn to deal with those nights I wake up drenched in sweat, crying out, and jumping up for night terrors.. plus for myself the more I try to keep it under wraps the more I find myself overly stressed and making myself almost ore physically ill.


So, what is the point of this post? For one, due to the complications of myself at the moment, and all that those medical issues cause, along with the concern over my Mom her back problems, and getting her the doctors and proper treatments to relieve the pain is has... I do better putting either pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard I guess you could say and writing about it... it helps to purge those feelings, of course they certainly will pop up again in the future...

Plus I DO WANT others to realize being frightened of dying, or feeling like your life could be taken away - way to QUICKLY when you still have so much more life to live is difficult to deal with.... so by my own posting of this, I hope to help others to get in touch with the reality of one of these and/or other chronic illnesses taking you away for good from your loved ones... and working through those feelings...


Here are the lyrics to Tim McGraws song....

"Live Like You Were Dyin'"

He said I was in my early 40's,
With a lot of life before me,
And a moment came that stopped me on a dime.
I spent most of the next days, lookin' at the x-rays,
Talkin' 'bout the options and talkin' 'bout sweet time.
Asked him when it sank in, that this might really be the real end.
How's it hit ya, when you get that kind of news.
Man what ya do.
And he says,

[Chorus]

I went sky divin',
I went rocky mountain climbin',
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull name Fumanchu.
And I loved deeper,
And I spoke sweeter,
And I gave forgiveness I've been denying,
And he said someday I hope you get the chance,
To live like you were dyin'.

He said I was finally the husband,
That most the time I wasn't.
And I became a friend a friend would like to have.
And all the sudden goin' fishing,
Wasn't such an imposition.
And I went three times that year I lost my dad.
Well I finally read the good book,
And I took a good long hard look at what I'd do
If I could do it all again.
And then.

[Chorus]

Like tomorrow was a gift and you've got eternity
To think about what you do with it,
What could you do with it, what can
I do with with it, what would I do with it.

[Chorus]
Sky divin',
I went rocky mountain climbin',
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull name Fumanchu.
And I loved deeper,
And I spoke sweeter,
And I watched an eagle as it was flyin'.
And he said someday I hope you get the chance,
To live like you were dyin'.

To live like you were dyin'.
To live like you were dyin'.
To live like you were dyin'.
To live like you were dyin'.

I am not quote sure exactly what point, if any that I am making as far as my readers. At the moment, a part of this posting is for myself... facing my own mortality issues, facing that my last living Aunt, could pass away at any moment, yet that is with all of us... we could be in a horrible accident, or be struck down by an emergent health problem, a stroke a heart attack, an embolism...

We could walk into a shopping mall, or a movie theater, or into your local Wally World, and someone decide to bomb it, or open fire on us, the innocent ones, even at church, it seems no one is safe anywhere, anymore... Our world is and had been tested, our nation tested and tested again... from strange and new diseases, from MSRA and bacteria that are resistant to all medications we have now... we could be gassed by something dropped into our air, or in our water... we could have a plane fall out of the sky, or a local lethal business, such as a chemical warehouse, or other flammable place catch fire and explode to rock a small town or a huge city... each day we face the fact that something could happen and so many horrible, unspeakable acts have happened over the last several years... and they will continue to happen... those who should NEVER ever own a gun, having them in their hands and putting us at their mercy...

kSo, my point for myself.. is to do the very best I can to live my life, like the next week, the next day, the next hour... the next moments could be my last... to feel prepared for the unknown... for the time, I am called upon... for the moment, I have completed my visit here, and move onto a place perfect, without hatred, without stress, without want or need, without greed, without hunger, where everyone is totally happy, and everyone loves everyone else... so for you.... and me.... think of things you might do to Live this Life as we know it, Like we were dying....