May The New Year of 2018, bring a renewed peace, better health, less stress, added hope, and a feeling of "life worth living" to all....

My hopes are that everyone had a wonderful Christmas holiday, and everyone got to where they needed to be both going and coming, without delays from weather, illness or anything else...
I also bid you a very Precious and Special 2018! My heart has hope, that we find Tranquility, A Faith to withstand and to triumph over evil and those who wish harm upon others. May there be a LIGHT that adds warmth to your soul, and may we all find the beauty in all things....

I realize that MANY of us had yet again, a "terrible" 2017, whether it be family, loss, health, jobs, finances, or "harm" from others, most of us will try and find that renewal of faith come midnight 2017/2018...

Wishing each and every one of you a SAFE, HAPPY, and GRAND New Year! My hopes and prayers are that WE as a person, as families, as friends, as workers, and as a state and nation find more hope, more peace, less stress, and a brand new outlook on our lives. 

I "try" to always find "hope" deep down inside this time of year. I am not "one" to have a "New Years Resolution" list, but a I usually have a "few things" down that I might like to "try" if I haven't done it before, "OR" change an old habit, find a new friend, or a new hobby, pray that my health gets no worse, and wish for peace most of all, in these times of trials, tribulations and suffering we see or hear about almost daily... May we be blessed with a New Outlook...

Wishing you much in blessings, hope, strength, better health, family, friends, jobs and so much more....

May you Find Blessings, Peace, Harmony, Love and a Wondrous Easter Day and in the Days Ahead....

 

May You Be Blessed with Hope and Love Today, Easter Day and in the Days Ahead....

Happy Easter to All! Mine started out insane, I didn't go to bed until late, just because I have been NOT sleeping for several reasons over the past 8 weeks or so. Either I have terrible night terrors, that wake me up, and I am crying, then I get "stopped up" and can't breathe, and by the time I get settled, then I am not sleepy... or I just wind up turning the TV back on, and then I can sleep at times. I keep waking up at 2am, 3am, 4am, until I am so sick of the hourly issue, that I give up, get coffee, and sit up watching something on Netflix until I feel okay enough to do things. 

Also, my pain level is off the charts for the most part. My neck is so bad, that i am in constant pain with either a horrid headache, or my neck so stiff I can't turn it, and then I get more tense, and my entire body hurts.., this humid weather is not helping... although not all that "hot" the humidity has just been off the charts this past several weeks. I get up and every morning even if it has not rained everything is so "wet" grass and all, it it is muggy, sticky and too wet to even take Peanut out until it dries out later in the afternoon... plus I've had so many "catch up doctor visits, then Echocardiogram last week, follow ups on my hip, which is really been sore, but between the weather stuff, my RA is in a severe flare, and so is my Lupus, so that contributes to the pain, and it just all continues to circle around and around, causing me to not sleep, and then by early afternoon, I am so exhausted, I've just been up way too many hours, but I don't want to try to go to sleep at 8 or 9 pm, then the same cycle starts over again.

 Also, I've had so many things as far as paper work, trying to decide if I even want to "stay" in my house. I've just about decided to sell it. Right now it is a "seller's market" and like my investment lady and I talked about last week, I could sell quick more than likely, and do it without even a Realtor, and save that money and hassle. I've just gotten to where between ALL of the outside stuff, mowing, fire ants, other ants, bugs, and so forth, the weeds are nuts, the wasps and such are already trying to build nests, and I am constantly fighting them so i don't get a nest like last year, where i don't "see it" and they sting me, because I don't find the nest... that is what happened last year... they built 
in my gate to my car port, and then I found a huge nest from last year close to my front porch a couple of weeks ago... i could not see it last year, so I was constantly having to watch to keep them from getting in the house... so I've knocked down the old nests, been spraying and knocking down new ones as they start them, but I have dead trees, the "weeds" in the back look more like "trees" than weeds... so trying to weed eat, mow, cut, chop, saw, and then the inside NEEDS so much work, I still don't have the floors finished in the bathroom, kitchen and now the kitchen and bath need to be either finished or repainted... the outside still needs painting and it is terrible... plus it needs a roof... 

I know that is coming soon.,.. and there is just so much to keep up with that costs a fortune, or is beginning to be things that my "body" does not like me doing... like sawing, and even using the light weed eater and although all is cordless and battery operated still with all of my joint issues, pain, and now the Lupus and RA getting worse, I pay a price for 3 or 4 days after i work on things.. then I suffer like today, I hurt from head to toe... I do know having hold of that pole saw really helped my arms... i actually have "muscles" built up from the weed eating, mowing, sawing, cleaning and so forth... rather than all droopy, although the skin still is some, I finally have built back up some muscles in my arms and legs..,. if someone would have told me just 10 or 12 years ago, I would not be able to do even little things, trying to use a can opener, button buttons, zippers, and all kinds of things using my wrists, hands and fingers, I would have thought they were nuts... not true... my hands, fingers, wrists, and elbows are always stiff, not able to be used to open anything, and trying to do just about anything with them, on some days is almost impossible. Even sitting here to type, hurts my hands, wrists, fingers, but my neck, shoulders, lower back, all of me takes a "beating" from even sitting for very long.., it sucks and I KNOW I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE, but I think after doing some thinking, and I found out i probably can do some investment stuff where I would have enough money from one or two of them to pay rent monthly for an apartment, and avoid all of the money I am pouring into this older home, that truly needs much much more work and funds, than I want to put into it.


I never thought I would feel that way, but after living in Seattle for 5 years, in an apartment where NONE of all of those things like upkeep, yard, problems, were anything i had to worry about, honestly I LOVED BEING FREE... I love having a yard, flowers, trees, but everything that goes along with them is getting to be more of a burden than "fun" like it used to be... I "hope" that between myself and my doctors nurse, who can be a jerk honestly, that we have my insurance company now where i DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE A CT ETC. before my neck surgery! They told her last week I needed an "MRI" before they would approve it, well i cannot HAVE AN MRI DUE TO MY PAIN PUMP, and a CT scan is a waste of time and money - I have TWO LETTERS, ONE FROM JUST LAST DECEMBER, just before I broke my hip stating the INSURANCE APPROVED MY NECK SURGERY.... I fell, and we had to postpone due to the hip fractures... but the neck of course is WORSE, AND NO CT SCAN, will show different... the X-rays in themselves show the damage and how much worse it is than just 6 months ago or so.... anyway, I am going to stay on the nurses butt this next week, so she will do her part. I DID MINE FRIDAY! I got all of the information from the insurance company, faxed her the letter, and what they told me on the phone, and if she will not drag her feet, we can probably get it set up and done the last week of the month. I decided to wait and did not go to the Casino today.., the weather here and up that way is "wishy washy" today and tomorrow... and besides, 

I've had so much to do here, before surgery, and I feel like I've been beaten, I decided to "change" the reservation until next Sunday,,, I hope to go then and if not then wait until I am over the surgery in 5 or 6 weeks then I can go to the Casino then. I did get my ham baked, I made those home made biscuits with the Sprite Zero that are so good, got some fresh fruit, I have sweet potatoes etc if I wanted to fix them, and I have a half a cake that I baked earlier this week, etc.,,, so I don't think I will do much other cooking, I did bake some very "healthy" oatmeal cookies this morning, without all of the fat, sugars, carbs and so on in them... I ground my own oat flour, used Splenda, and the Ranger cookies of course have Oatmeal and Corn flakes in them... so they don't even have any white flour, and I used "County Crock" and not any type of oil or "bad" butter sat fats etc... they turned out really good and are not too sweet, and don't have a bunch of empty calories and "processed mess" in them, I re-potted a few of my plants that needed it, and right now my arms, hands and entire body hurt like hell. I think I am headed to the sofa for awhile to rest... I HAVE TO HAVE A SHOWER in a bit, but did not want to take that until I am finished with all of the "chores" stuff around 1st.... Hope everyone has a very blessed Easter and in the days ahead my prayers are that we find hope, peace, and "good things"... the way our world is, right now honestly it is frightening.... but "worrying" won't fix it, so rather than worry, I am just doing my own stuff, and enjoying my days and moments as they come.... Happy Easter again to all..

Trying to Move Past the "bad" of 2016 & look ahead to a Hopeful 2017... (Resolutions?, Revelations, Lessons from life's past, reaching within the depths of my soul to make sense, out of a "senseless" world and all that we must endure)

"Trying to Move Past the "bad" of 2016 & look ahead to a Hopeful 2017... (Resolutions?, Revelations, Lessons from life's past, reaching within the depths of my soul to make sense, out of a "senseless" world and all that we must endure) "

Alas the "title of this post" is a great deal longer than usual. I felt in order to bring the message to all of you I needed to try and title this so everyone will know how crucial this post is, and just how I've had to pull every ounce of whatever bit of faith I have to bring you the truest feelings of this past couple of years.

Life deems to bring us many things that we cannot possibly "see" the good out of it, whether it is loss of a loved one, a fur baby, chronic illnesses and pain, watching others suffer, when so often whatever is happening seems useless and a waste of what little time we have here on this Earth. I never said or pretended to understand why so many horrible events happen to those that are good, gracious, loving, nurturing, and are decent people. Yet, others that are horrible, frightening, terrible to their own kind, are not decent, not caring, and often tear others down, rather than build them up.

Most people find themselves trying to put a list of "New Years Resolutions" together at the beginning of each year. Other similar words, "revelations, settle, make a pledge to do something a different way, such a quit smoking, work out more, eat healthier, we pledge to ourselves to do some things in a manner more positive, than hold onto our old ways, that may not have been the best way to do things...

thus rather than resolutions, I try and use a different term, such as "throwing out the old, torn and tattered ways, and beginning a new way with new "material" and a hopeful heart. I also know many of us "keep" some of those "resolutions", and some find themselves settling back into their old ways, which brings a guilt to our heart, thus too many "difficult" changes within a short amount of time, leaves us to NOT be able to keep them all. We get upset, feel so useless, see others making their goals, while maybe we cannot keep our own.

Below are a  few synonyms that could be used to mean "Resolutions":

intention, resolve, decision, intent, aim, plan; commitment, pledge, promise

   They have became a "tradition" like black eyed peas at midnight for good luck in the coming year, we have many traditions, we keep or try to keep during holidays and so forth, like mistletoe, the Christmas tree, sending cards for holidays, celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, and so forth.

I guess I would say that I shall "pledge" or commit to a few things that I feel I need to change and have a fresh start for the new year.

As always all too often we have "unexpected" roadblocks, happenings, events, whether it be family, illnesses, accidents, jobs, and so on, that change that path of good intentions we set up for ourselves at the 1st of the year.

For me my good intentions tend to get put aside for family, or for the chronic illness and pain I suffer with, that in a moment I can go from feeling great to being in the hospital... having surgery etc. None of us can truly "predict" the exact things that will happen from one moment to the next.


So, as I, along with many of you try to "have the promises" to ourselves duly noted and ready to start anew, remember WE ARE HUMAN! We will have issues come up that causes us not to be able to keep some of the very things we so want to do, change, stop, start and so forth...

As I write this tonight December 31,2016 from my hospital bed, hoping to be out of here and home very soon, again, never did I think 3 weeks ago I would fall, fracture my hip in 2 places, have other complications arise, and spend both Christmas and New Years in a hospital.

Try to keep yours a list of things that are not too complicated, or just write down a few, lie 4 or 5, rather than 10, 20 or more, and be proud of the progress you make even if you don't complete them all. If you get "some" of them done, or just a piece of several that you are working towards a goal on, give yourself a "well done" and push forward, knowing even a baby step, is a definite positive for the New year and YOU!

A piece of me feels as if I am blocking out all that we went through with Mom, then losing her in June so suddenly. Then the ordeal of paperwork, and all that happens even after the funeral is over.

Then I've went from one issue such as both ankles severely twisted, to sinusitis, to pneumonia, to Lupus flares, then to take such a horrible fall. and break my right hip in two places... to wind up being in the Rehab on Christmas, and maybe for awhile after the 1st of the year.

I just know that things have to get better. I am so terribly tired of being ill in one way or the other. I tried so hard to NOT allow this to happen to me. I knew my chances of a fall could lead to a break of a bone or joint. That is one of the very last things I wanted r needed. But, when I hit that hardwood floor two weeks ago the coming Tuesday, I knew it was not good.

I wanted to believe that it was bruised badly, yet when I could not drag it on the floor without screaming out in pain, I knew then it was bad.

I've been in a turmoil over the state our nation is in. Now with the "person" that is to be our new President, totally terrifies the hell out of me. I cannot fathom him having enough tact with out own Congress, much less any other nation.

I am having to almost "hide" my feelings this season. Here I see many families, together, excited about kids, Christmas, and this very special time of the year, yet I feel left in a "dark fog" wondering once again why I feel "punished", why did I have to take a fall as I did, and break a hip. And what are the chances that I wind up having another surgery if this hip does not work without an entire replacement since the osteoporosis could cause issues.

Frankly, this is one of the very 1st times I've been this worried about my own health issues. I watched my Grandmother and my Mom be able especially my Grandmother take care of themselves for YEARS alone. Now, I fear everything, from just getting out of the bed to going home. I've always been so bound and determined to do my stuff myself. Now, between the Lupus, the RA, the Osteoporosis, and now a broken hip, that I will lose some of my independence, which that thought bothers me badly.

Then to have one of my fur kids pass away suddenly night before last in my arms, here in the Rehab, just seemed to put the entire last almost 3 years into a world of such hurt, for myself, and also my kids; I keep trying to "hold onto" what little faith I have to sustain me, and try to over the sinking into sand, peeking upward, and asking for another half ounce of courage, strength and ability to try to "understand" the reasons I may NOT understand, not now, but someday I shall know the why's of this life, and the grief it brings to us within a matter of moments.