A piece of me feels as if I am blocking out all that we went through
with Mom, then losing her in June so suddenly. Then the ordeal of
paperwork, and all that happens even after the funeral is over.
Then
I've went from one issue such as both ankles severely twisted, to
sinusitis, to pneumonia, to Lupus flares, then to take such a horrible
fall. and break my right hip in two places... to wind up being in the
Rehab on Christmas, and maybe for awhile after the 1st of the year.
I
just know that things have to get better. I am so terribly tired of
being ill in one way or the other. I tried so hard to NOT allow this to
happen to me. I knew my chances of a fall could lead to a break of a
bone or joint. That is one of the very last things I wanted r needed.
But, when I hit that hardwood floor two weeks ago the coming Tuesday, I
knew it was not good.
I wanted to believe that it was
bruised badly, yet when I could not drag it on the floor without
screaming out in pain, I knew then it was bad.
I've
been in a turmoil over the state our nation is in. Now with the "person"
that is to be our new President, totally terrifies the hell out of me. I
cannot fathom him having enough tact with out own Congress, much less
any other nation.
I am having to almost "hide" my
feelings this season. Here I see many families, together, excited about
kids, Christmas, and this very special time of the year, yet I feel left
in a "dark fog" wondering once again why I feel "punished", why did I
have to take a fall as I did, and break a hip. And what are the chances
that I wind up having another surgery if this hip does not work without
an entire replacement since the osteoporosis could cause issues.
Frankly,
this is one of the very 1st times I've been this worried about my own
health issues. I watched my Grandmother and my Mom be able especially my
Grandmother take care of themselves for YEARS alone. Now, I fear
everything, from just getting out of the bed to going home. I've always
been so bound and determined to do my stuff myself. Now, between the
Lupus, the RA, the Osteoporosis, and now a broken hip, that I will lose
some of my independence, which that thought bothers me badly.
The
latest is I have a huge hematoma where the surgery was done on my hip. I
knew it had been looking like a I had "2nd hip" and was sticking out
but I just thought it was swelling. But when the nurse went to put a new
dressing on it yesterday she found it was much more than swelling, and
they took pics of it, and sent them to my doctor. Sure enough it is
probably a huge hematoma, and they are putting ice packs on it 4 times
daily, and I won't even get the staples out for another week.
My foot still hurts and I still think I have a hairline fracture in it. I guess I should ask for it to be X-Rayed again. I am just so sick of being poked and prodded on, I hate to say that anything hurts.
I have to wonder if anything in my life will ever become "normal" again?
