DOES IT EVER END????

Now as if things are not screwed up enough!!!! MOM TOOK ALL HE MEDICATION MORNING MEDICATIONS THAT WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THROUGH FRIDAY! all of them already! THEN ONLY TOOK "PARTS" OF THE BEDTIME MEDS... WHEN I asked her why she just looked at me and said well it is so simple I really do not know why I can't "get it"????? Then she DID NOT TELL ME that her legs and ankles were VERY SWOLLEN... now this is since Sunday - well she did NOT take her LASIX all week last week, because she did not take ANY meds last week... and SHE said Well they were "worse" they are better now... BULL, SHE is playing with "fire"... the entire reason for being SO CAREFUL about swelling is TOO much FLUID can cause that "heart valve" to act up and then she is facing open HEART SURGERY!!! So, I MADE HER TAKE ANOTHER LASIX and watched her and then increased it over the next 5 days to 2 every other day, which is what her heart doctor wanted her to do in the 1st place!!!!! 

Then "THEY ARE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!" I was in the back yard a few days ago, and in the back forty lot over some of the "weeds" I saw lots of what I thought were those damned "May Flies" which I hate swarming... BUT NO, THANK goodness I went back today and looked, because earlier I was out there with the weed eater trying to knock down some of the tall weeks before the city freaks and wants me to pay to have someone come and mow it with a tractor... 

BUT I stopped and decided I had enough room to spray weed killer as usual and should knock it down enough, it is all weeds and no grass... BUT, I LOOKED BACK AT THAT OLD BUS again a bit later AND IT'S THOSE DAMNED HONEY BEES!!!! WE "RAN" THEM OFF WE THOUGHT' They built in the neighbors walls... and he almost never got rid of them and NOW THEY BUILT OR ARE BUILDING BACK IN THE DAMNED OLD PIECE OF BUS ON MY BACK FORTY!!! I have been wanting to get someone to haul it and a bunch of old dead trees and tree limbs out, but finding the money is not easy... SO CRAP I have to do something... I just hope I can find someone who will come and "move that damned hive".... what a mess... 

Bub's is better, and I still never "found" what bit or stung him, and he is still not all the way over it, but all of it is looking much better, and I can tell he feels much better... what a damned nightmare... I do not honestly know what to do about Mom... and then I find out something about my car lease that I am really pissed about, but I will "save" that story until I do some research..... anyway, things suck even worse, and I am worn out.... and sick and tired of it all..... does it ever end!!!????

I know It has been a couple of days.... from HELL! Life in the not so fast lane, as I plan to go to the Casino BY MYSELF ON THURSDAY! SHHHH! No Ones knows yet. :)

My Birthday is the 15th, and I am sick and tired of being at home, running errands, going to doctors, taking care of this, that and the other, and not getting a break, SO I MADE A RESERVATION (COMP ROOM0 Overnight at the Casino for Thursday night... could not get the 14th of course due to Valentine's Day and President's Day on the 15th....

Anyway, it has been one helluva weekend, Mom's phone has been OUT since last Thursday and it was the PHONE COMPANY'S FAULT and they did not fix it until ABOUT AN HOUR OR LESS AGO!!!! So, here she is 81 years old without a phone all weekend, well 5 days at least, so guess who had to go check on her everyday all weekend, and that is just the half of it.

I face my neck cervical possibly on Feb 18th, which is about the time I hoped for... right after my birthday!


Here are a few new pics of the fur-kids... the older one Bubba does NOT LIKE sweaters, even though he is so cold all the time, so it was a bit of a chore to put his on.,

I thought I would share a few with you....

So Much Going On and Not Feeling Like Dealing or Coping - Life with Invisible Illnesses, Communication with Family, Friends, & Daily Living

I realize i have not posted in a couple of days. I feel badly about that. I know without new material, new posts, new information, that my audience gets "bored" with my blog.. mmm, new name 'Bored With My Blog?" Just a pun there, a spin on words.

Portions of me have been in a strange state of mind. I have many decisions to make for the upcoming couple of months, and since I am not feeling the best, albeit many do not know that, I've found myself wandering both physically and mentally around like a lost soul in a vast desert, seeing nothing but sand in each direction... the grains gritty, my thirst parched, and longing for a "drink" of sanity that will point me in the direction of an oasis of decisions.


I am having to deal with deciding when to have my cervical neck surgery. I opted for right after my birthday which is the 15th! Yes, almost a Valentine's Baby, so guess who gets flowers, cute stuffed animals, candy and the like a day "after" Valentines Day? In a way, it is nice, because I usually get more simply because much of it is marked down by 50%!

So, after two calls over a weeks time to my orthopedic surgeons assistant, she finally calls me yesterday. My surgery is tentatively set for Feb 18th. So, it may or may not be on that exact day, depending on what they get set up.

Things have been so crazy here, between my Mom's health issues, and running her back and forth to the doctors, plus my own problems that for months and months I dealt with just to get 'well enough" to have surgery. Thank goodness, I believe the abscesses have healed finally. And my pain pump surgery is over, and my new one is in place.

But, the invisibility of these illnesses, does NOT mean we can just say "okay, i just don't feel good, I am not going to the market, paying bills, taking the pups to the Vet, cleaning house, washing the car, taking out the trash, cooking, cleaning... not when it is just YOU, and your two fur-kids! And "they" are surely NOT going to run to the market, or run errands and clean house! :) Although at times I sure wished they could.

So, I trudge on, day comes, things need to be done, and then evening comes, I fix dinner, have to clean up afterwards, and then on the sofa for a movie, and here lately I seem to be ready to sleep much earlier than usual. Last night all three of us, myself, Bub's and the newest addition "Peanut"... well less the nuts, since he was just neutered! LOL! Yes, maybe a bad pun, but I still thought it was too funny not to say... "Sometimes Peanut acts and feels like a nut, sometimes he don't, Peanut, used to have his nuts, now he don't" - Okay the story behind that is with each pup over the past 15 years or so, that I get, I find some new little "tune" that becomes their song... and I sing it to them every once in a while... and bless their hearts, Tazzy, even though she has passed away, and I miss her so much, Bub's that is getting up older now and having his own issues with hip problems, and arthritis, and of course the new "Holy Terrier" Peanut, now each have their songs....

These past two days have been very difficult for me, in every way. I have not felt well, nothing I can put a finger on, just overwhelmed with fatigue, no energy, pain always pain, and just a general feeling that I have of not feeling like myself... even in a mental way.... foggy, and not wanting to deal with daily life.

I felt I would just pop down on the sofa yesterday and not do anything, yet it was trash day, of course I had to feed the dogs, water them, change their paper, straighten up the house, and I was COLD all day long. I rarely have those days, but I could NOT get warm... no matter how I tried, or what I did, I was COLD! And it was cold ALL Day Long! No Matter what I did I could not warm up. Finally, about 4PM, I took a hot shower, and after that I kept pretty warm... today it is a cold morning, but hopefully the sun is out and it will warm up. Our issues here are the wind makes it colder also these past few days.

Again, though this morning, I wake up, not honestly wanting to do anything. I am still just worn out like I have ran a marathon that was 20 miles or more... and my body is trying to recuperate. Yet, if I were to get dressed and go to town to some of our store's, NO ONE would know the difference. They would not "tell" that I am totally wiped out, and unless my brain fog causes me to do something silly in the store, the "invisible" part of Lupus, RA, Chronic Pain, and so much more, are difficult to explain. I feel guilty if I am NOT up and doing things. But, I feel lousy when I have to make myself get up and do things...

I think people tend to see me as lazy, or lack of want to, or whatever. And I do that to myself also. I want to think that I am just being lazy, if I sit down and not move forward with all I need to move forward with.


There is lots going on with my Mom, that has been quite concerned. I had seen the signs of Dementia or worse, Alzheimer's in her now for over 2 years... little by little, but now with these new symptoms, and worsening signs, of forgetfulness, loss of time, loss of what day it is, shuffling her feet, rather than picking them up and walking, loss of much weight, and having issues even getting her to eat, and being just overly concerned about her "bodily functions".... and talking about those day after day... forgetting checks in bills, not understanding no matter how plainly I have it typed out, how to take her medications, she cannot "get it"... losing her credit card earlier this week, she just has so many numbers of things that point to some of one of these illnesses... there is lots more, leaving a pot on the stove until it burned.... Those things are also wearing me down. I need to make a decision on where to go and take her for testing, and how to go about handling that, along with my own issues of needing surgery, that is very important to my own well being.


There are some person issues I am dealing with also. I have a friend that wants to do a "video chat" possibly once a week. Which is a cool idea, and we would make it, send it to the other, like that. Yet, for me, I never know when I will be "dressed" enough to make a chat, and what I will have to say... there maybe lots to say, like sometimes when I email, and then there maybe times, that things are just the same old thing... I guess I will have to pick a day, I go to run errands, that is when I am usually dressed and have my makeup on etc... and make a list of the things I want to say... like I said it's a great idea, and I want to do it, but for me, it maybe something that takes me a bit more "getting ready for" than for some.

I have felt that these "invisible illnesses" as of lately, have caused ME to be "invisible". I feel as if others to do SEE ME, or HEAR ME... that I am "not be heard as to what I am trying to get over to them. This is meaning friends, doctors, family, everyone. I sometimes feel as if I need to go on top of my roof and shout dammit LISTEN! What I have to say is important!

I realize whether ill or not ill, those moment arise, and give us this innate feeling that no one really values our opinions, our feelings, and what WE think in the world...

Stress, too busy being busy, too many hours of running here, there and yonder... attempting to be ALL to ALL... and it is impossible for anyone just about, but especially those who are chronically ill.

I TRULY FEEL that if I DO NOT MAKE MYSELF get UP each morning, MAKE MYSELF feed the dogs, water them, fix me some hot tea, or fat free hot chocolate, take out the trash, and do my "daily things" then I would NOT get up at all.... I have to "force" myself at times to cook something more nutricious rather than eating whatever is the quickest. It may mean making it ahead earlier in the day, so I do not have to try and make it later, when I am getting too tired in the evening to do much cooking. And I believe since many of us, like myself take so MANY daily medications, it changes our tastes in foods, our appetites, and things I used to LOVE to eat, I no longer can even stand the thought of.

I also know for a fact, once the Sjogren's took all of my teeth from me, and I had to deal with a full set of dentures, THEY have definitely had a dramatic effect on the taste of food. I either can't taste it, or it tastes totally different than before, an even though I may not put them in, and try to eat dinner, the food just does not have the same flavor as it did, before that horrid illness took every tooth in my mouth away.

So, not only the illnesses, but change your taste, along with the medications... all of it combined, can have a definite change on your entire system...


I laugh at myself because I also want strange things, like cravings...something salty is one of them... also I may "think" I want something so badly, yet once I get it, or fix it, I just cannot fathom eating it at that moment! Now the next day, it may totally change, but once I have cooked it, often I really prefer not to eat it.

I find myself lately not wanting to communicate with anyone.. I don't feel like saying much on the phone, in person, online, in emails... and I'm not sure why. Maybe it is due to I feel as if I am telling the same old stuff over and over again. Or that I think I am whining and griping if someone asks me how I am doing, or feeling,


I know I am READY FOR WARMER WEATHER, even though I know we need some COLD weather to drive away fleas, fire ants, and other pests... that will be driving us all nuts if we don't have enough cold to get rid of them... I have already put out one round of granules for all of those pests. I know with this strange weather, we could see flea's , fire ants will run rampant, along with all of the other large number of pests we deal with in TX every spring and summer.


Those are other things that no matter how lousy you feel, especially if you don't have anyone else to help out. I even completely overhauled my lawn mower last year. Yet, I don't have the strength in my arms to pull the rope hard enough to start it... hopefully my neighbor will help. He used to be really good about mowing my lawn... but he began to act odd last summer, in fact him and his entire family kind of shunned me for some reason, so I HOPE he still intends on helping with the lawn, or at the least doing the mowing.       


So, as the story of my life goes, in the middle of this, I have to go over to Mom's. Her hone had been "busy" since yesterday evening, and I thought she had probably left it on as she does sometimes... well this morning by 10AM it was still not working, so I had to dress and go over. To find out, it is NOT working, and she did not even know it. So, I had called her Wednesday evening, and Lord knows when it stopped. I tried everything, and none of the stuff in the house appeared to be an issue. I looked out in the box on the house, and I think they have a wire they never replaced, and it appeared to be possibly frayed or causing the problem. So, I had to call the phone company, put in a work order, and be told they cannot do anything until MONDAY... so now she is without a phone, and as I told her, if she had something come up, take my numbers to her neighbors, she has several or call 911 if it is an emergency... and that I would check on her over the weekend... then she tells me that she fell in the front yard this week on the way back from the mailbox... she again is NOT taking her medications correctly, and I am sure that is part of the problem... so she said she needed a "walker"... the cane was not working well... partially because she does not use it enough, and does not take it where she needs it, and said that is why she is not going to church... so I go, buy a walker, take a bunch of magazines, a piece of cake, some newspapers for her, plus an updated medication list... and I ring the doorbell twice, and knock and she does not answer... so again, probably in bed... where she stays too much lately... so I LEAVE A NOTE, IN THE MAILBOX, AND UNDER THE FRONT STORM DOOR, and tell her stuff is on the back porch including her mail... of course I cannot call, due to the phone issue, but I will go over again tomorrow... I am not going back again tonight, I have once again spent most of my day on her stuff... which is fine, but it leaves me NOT finishing my post, and I am tired now after running around all day....

So, I close this with... INVISIBLE ILLNESSES SUCK... and THEY MAKE YOU TIRED, AND PISSED OFF, AND RUIN YOUR PLANS... and on and on.... and no matter how much you fight them, and life, they tend to get the best of most of us.....

                           

Life, Pain, Lots of "Stuff" and living with "what we are given".....

Got Mom through the lumbar ESI injections early this morning in Dallas.... 3 different places, and hoping her back pain improves... our Pain Specialist seems to think they will help a good deal...

My "surgery" for the new pain pump (replacement) is on December 29th!!! One heck of a way to end 2015...

My severe pain, in my shoulder blades, down in my elbows, and even into my wrists and thumbs, NOT my other surgeries, thank goodness... BUT, I need another cervical neck disc replacement... I believe he said C-4 ?? is 80% COLLAPSED and has to be fixed...

Good news, the abscesses, one gone all the way, the other about 90% closed also... :)

Bad news the pain is horrible... and I still need the lumbar/sacral back surgery also... ALL of course postponed for at least 4 months now due to the cellulitis/abscesses on both top thighs....

Got the puppy, got his 2nd boosters... and got my hair cut, that was yesterday! I love it, or I will in about a week, once it grows out just a tiny bit... then it is really better, than when 1st cut... and it is SHORT!

Holidays, well suck... my kids will be not around... busy, plus my daughter 8 hours away or so...

And I've had an EXTREMELY ROUGH WEEK, EMOTIONALLY... I AM SURE DUE TO MANY THINGS, AND THE HOLIDAYS, after losing my Tazzy who was an Xmas present 12 or so years ago... plus Jim not here and in Seattle...

Just so much going on, and by the time I "think" I may have time to write or do something else different, something else happens, like I had to put a new flapper in Mom's toliet this week, in among everything else....

Seen some awesome Christmas Movies, I love Hallmark Channel... and other movies as well... the "Coat of Many Colors" about Dolly Parton's young years, was amazing!

So, here is a new pic of me....

 Happy Holidays to All - May we have Peace, Comfort, Joy, Hope and Faith throughout the rest of 2015 and into 2016 - to Eternity!

 

Daily Life with Autoimmune Illnesses, RA,Lupus,Sjogren's, family, friends, doctors and all in between

It seems I've been almost "stuck" on this subject of living daily visits and such they come along with them.

I have found that at times I get so "technical" on my blog, I forget to just discuss daily life... my family, Mom, my grown kids, my Grand kids, and all of the medications, symptoms, side effects, and ongoing things that many of us face in our daily walk of life.

But, when you have any type of "chronic illness and/or pain" "nothing" is typical. Waking up in the morning and feeling "okay" aat times in itself a challenge. Then you face LOADS of medications that sometimes become an "evil necessary in order for you to have any type of quality of daily living.

Even though with all of the meds, keeping up with doctors visits,trying to take as good of care of yourself as possible... there are still errands, families, bills to pay, food to buy, and "we" as patients all too often find ourselves "overloaded" with some of the daily tasks that before we were chronically ill, would have been a breeze.

I have a "GREAT DEAL" I shall catch you up with tomorrow, Sunday morning. I HOPE that I feel well enough FINALLY that I can go back to church in the morning. Even something such as going to church can have to be 'put on hold" if you are ill, or are in too much pain... nothing is "ever" good to go, for the most part... almost every aspect of life is a challenge or gets challenged by the horrid evil illnesses.....

Here is a bit, from a post of mine on FB.. and I will continue tomorrow.... 

Lots going on and I honestly kind of just "crashed".... After everything from my own bout with whatever the hell this lump is on my upper left thigh, to not feeling well as far as my stomach, and so on... Mom and her lumbar spine issues, and we still have to go for the injections... I postponed them until next week. With her younger sister passing away with cancer, the funeral and all that we have had to do, and then neither of us feeling our best, I felt we needed a few days of down time. I've got to find a surgeon to remove this lump. It did not go away with the antibiotics, and after 3 rounds, my PCP wants it to come and so we can find out exactly what it is... infection, a cyst, or whatever it is... I also developed a couple of "sore spots" around my waistline. One right at my belly button, and another towards the left of my side at my waistline just a bit towards my back. So much has happened and I've been doing so many things around the house in between, it could be I just hit myself or strained myself and did not even realize it. I found one a couple of days ago, and then the other yesterday. We are still all reeling from my Aunt passing away... I am the kind of person who can be "strong" to get everyone else through things, and then after it is kind of settled, then I fall apart... and that is kind of what has happened to me over the past couple of days... I really did not want to do anything, see anyone, write, talk to anyone... all I've wanted to do it sit, be quiet and still, with my two pups, and watch movies... I just have needed this "down time" to gather my thoughts, and try to get a list of the "what needs ASAP" to be done in the next couple of months... Mom's lumbar stuff, my lump removed and that chest Xray - honestly, I feared taking my Orencia when this cellulitis showed up. Well, I was already having a new swelling and much more pain and stiffness in my hands and fingers... and it is much worse now. I am supposed to get on the Xeljanz, but I need the chest X-ray first, and there has just not been a "good time" for me to run and get it honestly. Besides if this is cellulitis, I don't want to "compromise" my immune system anymore, and we now have a "POSITIVE West Nile Virus in mosquito's here" actually found only about three blocks away from my home!!! So, that is another frightening situation. Anyway, I also have to get well so I can have my back surgery, which really needs to be done before the first of the year... and we will "tentatively" be having a "settlement" on the accident from 2014 hopefully in about 7 to 8 weeks, if things go okay... and then there are "other things" once that is over that must be done also... not giving details but some of you already know the score on that... so LOTS on my mind, heart, emotions, and physical realms also... I will"bounce" back... but I have to jump a few hurdles and hope not to trip and fall over them wink emoticon Hugs, Rhia

When Life changes upon a "dime"... how do you cope? "It is not easy to be... me"...

Further information on our friend and client in Seattle. He may have that portion of his skull that they removed off for even a year. He will have to wear a helmet to protect his brain during that time (which I had also read). They will "freeze" that part of his skull in a special way and then can put it back later after things are settled. They say that even though he is responding and seems to know everyone and so forth, he seems to have no movement in his left side of the body at all right now. What really makes this difficult on Jim, my husband, is that after the accident a year ago, he is also basically left with his left side also the one with the most damage. Of course Jim's is from the nerve damage of the spine being basically "broken" from C-7 through T-7. But he continues to "regain" more use all the time in little ways. The nerves can somewhat regenerate, even though just a few years back, they thought they could not. Researchers now know that some nerves can definitely "heal" themselves, it just sometimes takes months or even years for that to happen. Fortunately it seems that his "autonomic" nerve system is intact. Even though they have him on a vent, he is breathing over and above it on his own. So, it will be a moment by moment watch for him. We never really have gotten exactly what happened, but it appears the brain bleed was probably stroke related. So, only time will tell. I am sure the biggest concern now, is of course the swelling on the brain, and fluid, he is extremely "puffy", his face and all are so swollen that he cannot hardly open his eyes. But, also I am sure they are watching and treating him for another bleed of the brain, or a blood clot would be my guess they would be concerned about now... so please continue to say prayers for them. As I said he and his wife have been "clients" now for over 10 years. Yet, before that Jim and he were friends at least 7 or more years before that. They own an online retail store, and he also has a business set up on E-bay. So that makes this even much more difficult. They were kind of "a family" business and needed to ship out parts daily all over the world. So, his wife is probably just in a terrible state trying to keep up with business and feeling badly she can't be with him all the time also. AGain, much like Jim and I a year ago. I needed to be home taking care of things here, and there was so much to make sure was taken care of after the accident, and then split my time being with his in Dallas at the hospital also. It certainly was not a great time in our lives, and in all honesty, things will never be the same for us. It has really taken its toll on the both of us in so many ways... more than you can know... and more than what we even thought it would. As I had said we would have to find a "new normal"... well that new normal changes from moment to moment. Between my own health issues, and all I have to take care of daily, and then Jim's lack of being able to do so many things, and his disability also, we both are truly at times on overload... I find us sometimes going for days and not really saying much to one another. We seem to get to a place that we are lost in our own thoughts, and tend to keep them to ourselves. I know I feel as if I am walking on egg shells all the time, and I am sure he feels the same. There seems to be "drama" about something every day... and now here I face this very invasive discograph, later in the month, again I cannot drive myself from, and then what if I have to have back surgery?? That is just another issue we face, and how we will get through that? I probably may not be able to drive for a few weeks... and who will take care of the dogs, and feeding us, and doing all of the errands and so on... so you can see, and all of you that have been through or are going through similar issues can relate....


When I think of the song by "David Grey".... that is how I feel these days... "It's not easy to me... me"....

The Realms of My Own Happiness #HAWMC

Check out my true happiness and happy moments below!  #HAWMC


Happiness for each and everyone in this nation, and on the planet for that matter, can vary from person to person, from day to day, and even from moment to moment under some circumstances.

It is a very interesting question that can lead to you learning a great deal about a person by what truly brings out those "giddy" feelings of being totally "in bliss"; in a complete and whole state of all being fine in your little corner of the world.

For me, of course there are different things or ideas that bring me that feeling of "glory", of wanting to smile at the world, and hold onto that "key" situation, moment, happening that brought so much joyful glee to my soul.

If I had to pick one thing, it would be having a true inner feeling of accomplishment. I mean having one of those days, weeks, and so forth that I feel I am totally finished with certain things, that I have completed the "list of tasks" that I set out to do, say for that day or week. Within that time frame, for instance, I started out with an extremely huge amount of items that really needed to be done. Whether it means, a blog post I've really wanted to write, and write well that is also received well, I've taken care of a number of things that needed to be completed at home; such as possibly baking a special cake and it turns out perfect, errands that go by quickly, allowing me to free up some time, having ALL of my household "honey do" lists (when I say lists I mean our own at home along with my Mom's usual list), and all goes as planned, no accidental trip ups, nothing else to go wrong, plans that have been made being completed, and all seems in a place of peace. That would include my own advocacy work also. It in itself gives me those feelings of happiness in the fact again, I've "conquered" the battle ahead, forged through, and completed it. I see also that others have benefited from my own ideas, and I've also been able to spread my own happiness with others. When I find that state of mind, that state of feeling whole and complete, accomplished, with major and minor items, than I am in harmony with myself. I then can justify a "day off" to the Casino with a "daughter and Mom" overnight stay. Or I can justify that I've done a great job, having freed up time to make a trip over to another town, our county seat, and shopping, possibly grabbing lunch, and finding a huge bargain on an item of clothing that I needed, or had been wanting. So, the means is the end result for me, happiness.

When I can take a look backward in a certain day, week or weeks, and watch what my jobs, errands, cooking cleaning, blogging, writing, doing my activist work all come together in a neat package that I feel I could tie a ribbon around and say,
"Wow"! I really did get so much done, had a pretty "stress less" time doing all of it, and I've given others a reason to also say, "Thank you", "Job well done", or I (we) appreciate your good attitude and accomplishment.

Although there are other things such as being able to play my drums for a short while, getting out of the house and going for a "girls night out" with Mom to the Winstar in OK, being asked to participate in something special, such as the "WEGO Activist Writer's Challenge Month", or any type of event or happening that involves me more into my activist, advocate and Ambassador dealings also gives me a sense of accomplishment, thus happiness is always the end result.

Rhia Steele
April 2nd, 2015


p.s. When I speak of accomplishment; along with the completion of a long list of things to be done, I also mean being able to not take to be concerned over my health. I am at least for a small while, free of many of the main symptoms of my illnesses have calmed and quieted down long enough for me to do those things, which brings me bliss in with all I set out to do and get done...