Wondering If I "Offended" anyone? Living a Life of never knowing what is around the corner, one day to the next.

As of lately, between thunderstorms, rain that seems to be never ending, concerns for loved ones and others I know that could be caught in these rushing waters somewhere, and all of the things I've seemed to either "get behind" on, or feel as if I am moving again, too slowly.

I know, another very long, drawn out sentence to start a post. As usual. from brain fog, to wondering what comes next, I am not sure what to us. I've awakened a couple of nights in a row, feeling as if I was being suffocated. Some of it, I'm sure just upset over all of the tremendous amount of rain, thunderstorms, water, and problems that go along with all of it.

I've got to make a couple of decisions in regard to my own health, that are not easy to make. As I've said now for weeks, Mom and I have been so looking forward to going for a overnight stay, a girls day and night out, away from all of the drama that continues to surround my life.

After going for months, and not hearing from our lawyer, about three days ago, finally after I had made a step in their direction, we get an email from an "assistant attorney" at our lawyer's office. She had read my email, and saw that I was in a bit of a fluster, not hearing anything from them for months, she comes back with her own email about some paperwork they need. There are some things that need to be clarified from information that a gentleman came down here and got from Jim. I believe it was more of a testing, of just how badly his memory, and that had been still trying to piece that information together. They also want names of doctors and addresses of course of any doctors Jim has seen over the past several months, since he gave them everything from the hospital.

We tend to think that "maybe", and that is a huge maybe, something may try to move forward now. Since "our attorney" is asking for information they may have some idea about the possibility of this not going on to a "jury and trial". I would "assume" that the other party involved in all of this would not want to "air" all of the details out in the "Dallas" area. But, we of course don't have a clue, as to what type of "witnesses" that we have "been told" they gotten depositions from. I cannot fathom, many "witnesses" to this at all. Only those involved in the wreck, being that it was on I-45, a very busy portion at that coming into the Dallas City Limits. and was no real "houses" to amount to anything in that area, If they do or did have a "look" it couldn't have been very much. That entire area, is more or less not filled with any real residential areas, with the exception, of the possibility of some type of apartments, and they would be kind of difficult to get a very good look at something on that stretch of highway, that happened that rapidly, to be able to say one way or the other what you "may have seen".... plus there as far as we know were no people that "stopped" and asked to help. With the accident as bad as it was, if someone had really seen what took place, I can't imagine them not stopping at the very least to not try and get 911 there, and even possibly get Jim out of that car. Of course He thought there was, but later we found out, what he thought I believe was the actual fire crew that came in and had to literally cut him out of the car. As far as we know there was not anyone that stopped to help. So, "onlookers" (I was not there so I can't say with certainty) seems kind of doubtful at this point.

I've been through that area now on several occasions driving back and forth to doctors, and unless it is one particular "house" or more like an apartment building, there is nothing "facing" the highway enough to see what really went on..


None the less, we also don't know whom it telling what, and whom knows anything, and maybe there is "not" a "witness"... but the other parties of course are going to "stir" the soup of a mess in any way they can in order to make the situation a bit deeper into a pile of crap honestly.

I am going to "end" this here. It is already after 2:30 on Friday afternoon. I've been so busy these past several days, and still am having to deal with whether to attempt Dallas and go to the Casino Sunday.. OR wait until my doctors appointment that is Wednesday afternoon, and we would be about an hour and 20 minutes away from the Casino then. We could even stay Wed. night and Thursday night... if we did that... the weather "supposedly" is going to be out of the woods as far as thunderstorms and all that has been going on. I have not packed yet, and I should have went to town today, but I don't want to attempt to wash the car until tomorrow... when hopefully it won't be as "muddy" as today. I can tell I am tired... my eyes are seeing "double vision" even with my glasses on as I type. So, I know I am just exhausted.... anyway, I think I am off to the sofa for now and give thought to what I may want to do about all of this...

Dealing with Chronic Diseases and Chronic Pain that seems to steal your entire life...

Sometimes I feel as if I write the same old song and dance, over and over again. Yet, as I was glancing as some email newsletters I get, once again for the Thousandth time, there it is in my face, talking about not being able to travel "too far away from home", or how these illnesses take you so far down in fatigue that the simplest things you used to be able to do, now are like monumental achievements.

I always try and bring myself back to "Okay, it could be worse"?! Well, what does that mean for any given person... worse as far as I am not in the bed 24/7/365? Worse that right now I am "well enough" to not be on the sofa for many hours of the day? Worse as in, I can still walk without a cane or a walker, I still have my eyesight, I still can talk, and okay all of that "same old stuff". Worse as in, gosh there are so many others out there that have it "worse"? That is dependent on who is viewing it, at any given time. For one person that might mean a "bad" day or two.
For others it may mean they had to cut a vacation down and come home a day early, or cancel dinner plans for an evening, or decide to order take out because they were too fatigued to cook. I've "entered" a couple of different items for this month. One is sponsored by the Sjogren's Foundation, due to April being Sjogren's Awareness Month. Each day we must think of "ONE" word to describe "Sjogren's". The other sponsored by WEGO Health, is April is "Writer's Challenge Month". Each day they give us a "prompt" and we are to write about how that particular thing effects us. Some medical and some just life as it is stuff.

Over the past 8 or so years, once all of the autoimmune issues came to light, I had high hopes that with a more "specific" diagnosis (or more than one) between the doctors, myself, medications, and taking care of "me" would mean finding a much better quality of life in my future. Now, each day, I come to terms with the pure and simple truth. Unless something miraculous happens in the thorns and arrows slung at all of us with these hideous illnesses, I nor anyone will ever find they have a "better quality of life." I think we "fool" ourselves into thinking, "we must remain focused on the good, on the "half full" rather than half empty glass. We must think that against all odds, look how many others have out smarted all types of "basically deadly" diseases, and are here to witness to us that it can and does happen.

Yet, me putting on that happy face, yet inside deep inside both hips it is like a ball of fire inside, churning, aching, burning, and how do I "ignore" that kind of pain? Then I find out last night, and I mean very late evening, that after waiting 2 weeks to see my orthopedic doctor who has done both knee replacements, and much more now does NOT take my insurance? And the woman on the phone was an absolute witch. When I began to ask about me paying for the visit, she snapped back at me, an office visit is "$175.00"! Well, in the first place they should have KNOWN right away, and in fact when I called and made the appointment, she even looked at my file and saw that I had the insurance and never uttered a word that he was no longer taking it! Well, that leaves me in a world of hurt, now over 2 weeks. If they had told me that in the very beginning, I could have either tried to find another orthopedic doctor, OR just paid cash for the visit and the injections.

I was still so totally upset by the entire ordeal, that I called his office again this morning and spoke with HIS nurse/office manager. She told me the "visit" for me since I am an established patient is $75.00, then the injections are $100.00 each. So, the lady from the entire doctors building didn't know the circumstances, and didn't realize I had been seeing him for many years. I can also say that if I had been able to get hold of him, he would have charged me less, and did the injections. Him and I have been through several situations involving my own self, and then a surgery he did on my Mom, so he is well aware that when I ask something or say something, then it is something I am extremely concerned about.

Then you take this new stupid insurance, which means if I see another specialist that I've not seen in a long while, then we have to go back to square 1 and get a "referral" done to satisfy the insurance company. Fortunately my neck and shoulder orthopedic surgeon IS taking the insurance!!! So, even though I have to wait another week, which sucks because today is more than pain, hurt, despair... almost intractable pain in my very lower back and especially my hips, that even higher on my waistline hurts, at least I can see someone I know and trust. He has a "jackass" bedside manner. But, if you overlook that, he is EXCELLENT or more than that, THE VERY, VERY BEST Orthopedic Surgeon in the US, as far as I am concerned.

When I was first sent to him due to needing a complete reverse shoulder replacement, of which not many specialists do them, we kind of got off on the wrong foot. He is one that prefers an "less educated" person, as far as their medical situation. He is not thrilled over someone like myself, that comes in, with all of my own home work done, and knowing just about what the issue is with me, then telling him. He is not very happy about a "patient" that he feels thinks "they know" more than he does. Of course I don't BUT, when it comes to myself, my own surgeries, illnesses, and all I've been through in many ways, I am almost an "expert" in some things with my own stuff.  Well, when I went in and seen him for the shoulder, gave him the "low down" on the entire mess I had been through, where the pain way, how many other "scoped" surgeries I had, and in the last my other orthopedic surgeon told me that there was "nothing else" their to repair. The next step HAD to be a "reverse shoulder replacement". And it took weeks and weeks to find one. Then same with my neck. Right after the shoulder surgery, within 3 months I began to have once again a "similar" issues with my shoulder blade. As I again had done, researched it all, and the pain "seemed" to be coming from my cervical spine. Well, he did a special CT on it, since I can't have MRI's, and that CT was terrible. The tech that did it, was not in the right place to do business, and he really was NOT elated at all. He "went off " on me, stating just because I do research online, does not make me an expert, and he really got pissed about my "input". So, I am not sure what happened, but within a week or so, he decided my "theory" maybe right. Since my other orthopedic problems never do "show" on CT's, MRI's... whatever kind of "scan" they do, it is always MUCH WORSE in that joint, than what it showed. So, that was my continued premise. He decided that I could be right, thus he set up to have me on the operating table, and do a 4 level disectomy, and also fusion to at least two of them.

Well, as sure as I am writing this, for the most part, what I had "said" and drawn in my own conclusions, were almost to the "letter" when he opened up the neck and began to see the issues. That is why I say, he is an excellent physician, one of the very best in orthopedics, yet his bedside manner sucks... and once I could look past that, and HE could ACCEPT that in some ways I COULD BE correct, it worked out fine.

Thus, having to wait yet another over a week to get some relief sucks.On top of everything else, I am not so sure about this "forminal" lumbar injection that is supposed to be done Thursday. Now I found out, it is not the "anesthesia that they concern themselves with, as far as the patient driving home. It is the epidural injections in themselves. In that part of the spine, it may make my legs feel a bit "heavy" or numb a bit after its done. Not everyone has that, but some do. Thus the reason not to go alone. But, when you have no one else to drive you, what the hell do you do? Forget it? I mean Mom and Jim both can go, but when it comes to driving, that will be me. Neither of them cam drive to Dallas and back.

So, now I also know this orthopedic doctor could also do those injections too. So, do I hold off, and then have then done later by him...


These are the very examples of why life deems itself much, much more frustrating and difficult when you are suffering from chronic illnesses and/or pain... ALL of it is a "PAIN" in one way or the other....

Trying to find My Way Back - to What A "Normal" Autoimmune Diseased Life Should Be...

I began this as a post on Facebook early this morning, Sept. 2, 2014. Yet, after writing on it for about a half hour or more, getting up to check on the dog, and my head pounding... it dawned on me, "Get your other stuff caught up... i.e. make some sugar free jello, make the chocolate fudge cake for the weekend, getting the "stuffed peppers" I bought the stuff to make on the day when it was supposed to be cooling down; thus this morning seemed to be the best morning. I had thought about going out to wash my car. I thought if I did maybe rather than continue to "test" and tease us, it would actually rain. Well, so far I was wrong, as it all has done lately. It seems the weather has made many of us hurt terribly. Physicians (some physicians) want to tell us we are full of bull when we say that the "weather" doesn't effect our lives as far as our pain, joints, headaches, and so forth. I know beyond a doubt that from the barometric pressure, to "cool fronts', the humidity, rain, sleet, snow, thunderstorms, you name it, many will more definitely have an effect on chronic pain illnesses, joint issues, and many of the "2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th and so on, disease that follow right along with the primary diagnosis. I had been concerned lately over "Shingles". I have seen way too many of my online friends, as well as close kin folks and friend that have had a breakout of shingles. I found articles stating people that have never had them, have well over 2 to 1 (50%) chance of having shingles if you have an autoimmune illness. I've been concerned over my illnesses because I feel I can't quite find a place of "remission" in any of them. I am on the medications, I am trying to do everything I can correctly, rest, eat well (ah, that one is hard with the teeth issues I have)           This next paragraph or paragraphs if you would like to say below are what I began on Facebook. I copied what I had already typed on and then decided I am going to "stick" to my word. I am going to post the bulk of the post here, then just put a small snippet in FB, with a link back to it here in my Blog. Blogger has made some changes, some good, giving you more options and other than just add chaos & confusion. I was hoping FM would slow down a bit and give people time to catch up. Sure many of us are "hooked" on line 24/7/365. But, all too often we don't have time to sit around and figure out the "new" things on FB, Blogger, and the numerous other sites we "belong" to. It reminds me of all of the stores I frequent here in my home town. About the time you learn how to use your markets check out debit system,  they bring in one that is "better, bigger, more secure" and also confuses the hell out of me. Then you run over to your pharmacy, same thing, now they handle the entire way you check out totally different. Now try to go shopping two or three department stores! Everyone one of them, either has a new "card" for you to sign up and and get 20% discount. Yes, the first time, and then after that, all you get an email box full of junk from them daily. Then they have all of these mark-downs with an "extra 20% off" at the register, and you either have your calculator out, they might be nice and have a "chart" up on the rack telling you what the cost will be after the "extra" is taken off at the register. Anyway, when you are already dealing in trying to keep your sanity with a brain fog that seems to only be getting worse each week; the lists that have now become the lists of lists you need to take care of and LORD forbid I not forget something for someone, a doctors appointment, or even something as trivial as getting "change for the coke machine, or picking up a drink, some kind of soda that if I don't, no one else would think about how thirsty I get when I am having to drive anywhere, and in fact I cannot walk through a huge store like a Wally World's, unless I stop by a front counter and pick up a drink to sip on while I shop.                                                                                                                 

I've been telling this now for awhile to my family and friends. Not only had my physical  issues change, I seem to have slowed down to a crawl at times. My brain cannot function, I feel it takes me forever to get ready, then I look down and there is always something else that needed to be done, or I forgot to put on "the list" .... heck even times I do well to remember the name of a room, or the name of what is in that room! Store names, my own phone number, it seems that may "brain fog" add          


I thought I would post this on FB at first, then changed my mind. I is a combination of several days posts, I began days ago. I changed my mind and want to put it here first, then really tell about these feelings I have on my blog; then share them that way. I will put this on my blog, but it has been on my mind now since I went to Winstar last weekend with my Mom. As most of you know, due to all of my extensive sharing, I LOST ALL of my Teeth to Sjögren's within a year. It sounds almost impossible, and I know from everything I've read and been told, that they "damage" that could not been seen probably had been going on since I was first diagnosed with Lupus, Sjögren's, Raynauds, RA... and who knows what else. That was back in about 2009-10 when the very first real "blood work" was done, and the doctor took ALL of my years of symptoms seriously to put them together. When he did, I was sent immediately to a Rheumatologist. This gentleman, a Rheumatologist no doubt for many, many years, still even used "gold injections" on occasion on patients. But, he was far from a dummy, and further he end  around the corner there in his office to have blood drawn, urine and he did even a more extensive workup on me. But even that first day, just by an examination of my toes, fingers, wrists, thumbs, feet... he "felt" and the saw the damage. He also saw that I had Raynaud's immediately, and I had an "hyper-extension of many of my joints, almost like being double jointed. Even after that first visit, I was so upset that it had probably been going on for years and years.. my Xrays showed my toes and finger joints being bad already, so none of this happened over night, and not one doctor until my new PCP at the time, could ever put ALL of my symptoms together. It was somewhat almost a relief, yet it also very scary also, No telling what had really come of "damage" not detected since it might have been years this was going on, yet no one could explain the severe migraines, the extreme tiredness, the not being able to "multi-task" as I once could, having just about every joint either already been injected or had surgery or even been totally replaced before the age of 50! No one could truly explain how someone, like myself, a very fit woman, (walked, ate properly, exercised daily, kept my weight down, and yet I had a heart attack at 40 years old and another at 50! Nothing made sense, yet no doctor could put it all together either.. what made my new PCP at the time think "autoimmune issues" I don't know... Maybe a conversation I had with him about me thinking I had "Lupus". Anyway something finally "clicked"... thus here I am today, far into the realms of autoimmune illnesses... and the latest issues the Sjögren's... so here I am now 54 (since Feb 15th) ! battling a battle I thought I would never have... losing my teeth and having dentures... and won't hold until the "mini implants can go in, which will be another 60 days or more. I am not going to lie They are a pain in the butt, or mouth I guess. They seem odd, too much "junk" in your mouth, a pain to have to clean, then put in each morning, then have to brush them, clean my mouth and put them in, then out they come at night... you cannot sleep in them. And eating in them for now is almost impossible. Even my "bite" pattern is completely different, which I am thrilled about, because they are "pretty and I wanted pretty teeth all my life, just never realized they would have to be "fake" and not my real ones. But, I honestly felt like once I got these new teeth in they would "fill in" where I had lost many teeth, which in turn would fill out my lips more, my bottom cheeks and lines around my mouth. I was hoping to "see" a bit different maybe even more youthful (by a few years) me.... but guess what? Nope.... did not make that change nearly as much as that as I had so hoped it would. I just was so disappointed, because I did not realize with the scars from the accident years ago, and the two small scars from my fall right around my mouth. I keep thinking, well, like any other woman, there has to be a way to "tighten" up that skin, or "bleach" out those darkened scars. I even went so far as to  begin looking today and am going to research some of these new facial creams out on the market to see which ones really work, and which ones charge a fortune, yet do nothing. I come more and more to realize I must take even better care of my skin. I have always pretty well used the proper things on my face and skin, lotions, I always take my makeup off at night, allow my skin to breathe and so forth. But, I pray quitting smoking will also reduce some of those lines around mouth. I see elderly women who probably smoked all their lives, and they have all of these deep seeded wrinkles around their mouth, and I always said I never wanted to do look that. But, dammit, when the teeth are out, I somewhat do and it upsets and embarrasses me to have anyone see what it truly looks like. I know we all age, some of us more gracefully than others... and depending on how well we have taken care of our bodies, minds and spirits makes a huge difference in the way you look as you age.

So does having these illnesses like Lupus, RA, Sjogren's age us faster? In all ways, in some ways.... what do you think????? I want to know how you feel about the subject and how many of you really take great care of the hair, skin, nails, including your face? If so, how and do you feel it is making a difference??

             

"Empowerment" When All of Life "Strength" that had Sustained You - Suddenly is Gone - as I Thief in the Night

Honestly, I am here to write, yet I am not sure the words shall even come. The other day I had posted on Facebook and one of my friends there mentioned "I wished I had the knowledge and know how to write things, and say things as you do, Rhia".
I have given thought to that over the past week, and tried to also allow that place, that suddenly was so engrained in me, to be jerked right out from underneath me. The very core of my world was shaken on March 26th 2014.
As many of us, we have events that come into our world "that shake us down into that deep dark cavern" of where we just don't really heed was is going on or not. As the days have gone by, and I have tried to reach into my very soul, and pull out all of the things that are so precious to me, and I mean within myself, I realized even more so that a happening such as the catastrophe like my husbands car crash, not only shook me off my foundation, it has left me in a place of "shock" that I have yet to come out of, I am not sure that anyone else "caught it" or not, but his accident fell exactly one day before my Dad passed away in 2005. If my memory serves me right ( and I cannot say that is does at all) I believe Dad passed away on Easter Sunday, March 27th 2005. It hit me that very evening when we first arrived at Baylor Hospital in Dallas, that it was almost 9 years to the day of these two things happening. In a way, and maybe they also remembered but chose to not say anything either due to the circumstances that were happening at that moment. thus some of my family may have recalled it also. I just have not brought it up, for why at this time pour salt into an open wound, as the saying goes.
In such a very short span of time SO MANY things can change. Until you are thrown into the situation yourself, whatever the circumstances might be, you really cannot imagine ALL of the complexities something like this causes. From me not having my head on straight, and accidentally moving more money from an account than I intended to, so I did not realize that one of my bills that goes through bill pay had not cleared. So, here I was thinking things were fine, then I find out I did too much of a transfer into an account, and then that bill payment came through that I thought already had, so I overdrew my acct. by $.21... I felt so ashamed I was just going to bite the bullet and let it stay and me make it up, but one of the sweetest ladies there happen to have seen it, and asked me what happened. And as I told her, just all of that going on, and I took some money thinking I was good, and put it over into an acct... yet it was more than I really wanted to move, then the bill comes through I thought had been paid days and days before. She as she is, she went to the bank manager and got it reversed for me. But, still, you just don't realize how many things in your life are totally "wrecked" within the wreck I guess you could say, I catch myself looking for my car to go wash it, or now I have a very hard time sitting her at the computer. I was so used to him and I being here across from one another. Even though we may not utter a word to each other for hours, it was just the fact, we were here together. I find myself wandering through this tiny house, and wandering around in the yard, thinking I should just mow it myself. I should be able to mow those basically weeds down... and I need to spread the granules out for the fleas, and spray around the porches, and put ot fire bait, and now I have our bedroom, the ridiculous bathroom, and more over that stupid back room junk catch all room is all going to go. I am going to pitch about 90 percent of it out in trash can bags. I have stuff back there that I will NEVER use what so ever... and I know just from cleaning the windows and laundering the curtains in the other rooms, it just looked and smelled so much more fresh this morning. So, I know allow that pile of crap to go out of there, will again, give me a "new" lease on life.

I just can tell there are some thing that my brain is not quite comprehending... or if I don't have a note or a list (which was already an issue for me) then I am just not on "target".


May 1st, 2014


Ah, the "sounds", Sights", smells, and renewed feelings that come with the rebirth of Spring. The trees opening up their green leaves, as the wildflowers start to pop open. Of course the birds where we are and all of their "voices".... just an amazing sound on a Spring morning just as dawn breaks... and like a silent whisper into a rather loud victory march, the sun comes forth to warm us up once more. Assuredly we can't say that weather has been "odd".... odd, hell, down right insane. I had golf ball sized hail just last week pounding down up us, and you have to wonder are they all practicing with balls of ice for "T-Ball" season... they can absolutely do damage,that is for sure.

although just as quickly as that "rogue" storm marched in, it left us, only to leave a path of destruction from Louisiana to the Florida Panhandle. Yet, on the other side of the nation, California dealing with their the Santa Anna winds and the driving force in fires that burn thousands of acres and hundreds of homes... and they have just barely started.

I've I had tough go of it this past two weeks once again. I have felt lousy and not quite myself, since before I left for DC the last of March. And even half joked about us all going to have pneumonia on the Tuesday we went to the Capitol. It was snowing huge, very wet flakes and it was cold.... even with an umbrella, coat and wrap it was not very pleasant weather to say the least.

What was to follow on that fated trip... came as a shock wave... a tidal of disbelief, and every kind of emotion you could be possibly dream of. I have tried my best to not question, "why"... because if I need to know then it will be revealed to me. I still believe we have the "will" to take our own paths, yet we are somewhat predestend as to what those paths are. I have began to already realize things about me, that I did not know existed, until that day of the accident. And I also realized for the 1st time in my life, it was okay to say "no", I can't. I never thought about me ever "refusing" to help someone, or do something for someone, but I have to had to make those choices these past weeks. I can't be in three places at once, I cannot run on 3 hours of sleep for long, I have to have time to decompress, or I will and am ill. You can throw in the Lupus, Sjogren's, RA, and all of the other issues physically but the point it that I allowed myself to say, yes, yes, yes when I should have been politely saying not this time, but on the next go round I hope to have some sanity back in my life. I continue to find it difficult to even write here... even though I have a billion things to talk about... my new car, which is awesome, the progress Jim has made which is fantastic, Spring coming out, and hopefully getting an oral surgeon closer to begin the journey about my teeth. I can say eventually I will have the prettiest smile I've ever had for sure. I am wide awake, yet I honestly don't want to do this either, and coming from me that is terrible.... I once again have misplaced that inner voice, that keeps me coming back to write over and over again... it has hidden itself now for awhile, and when it finally reveals itself it will have much to do to make up on.

May 26th 2014

It has been awhile... too long really. I've not even truly been here but glad I have come in to see that many people had been following along on my blog lately. I am not sure if they is due to the horrible accident, my wanting to go and then enjoying DC so very much (and I apologize) I WILL talk about it soon. I've just not had the strength to "face" that very last hour or so of that fateful day. Thus trying to tell about ALL of the very incredible things I learned in DC and moreover how many wondrous people I met... it has truly been one of the greatest trips in my life. I surely hope I get "picked" or get into the "platinum status" for Ambassador before next Summit, so I maybe able to go again. I certainly will if the chance arises again.

I've been trying mentally and emotionally with my "reasoning" behind why I am having suck a difficult time of putting words and sentences together.... I am so embarrassed by it, that I have almost am in fear to post anything I write, because my fear is it will not make much sense. I know when I had the pneumonia, I had not been able to type anything that made any sense what so ever. I was terrified the day that happened. That is one say that I was probably more in fear for what was going on with me then any other day I can think of as far as my own self. I was trying to type out an email... I continued over and over to misspell, to type incorrectly, to use the wrong words for what I was trying to say... and as I stood up and realized I was hallucinating so badly... I felt faint but I was hearing things and seeing things. that were not there... I was just walking around the house like a crazy person! I just could not imagine what was happening to me. I had not taken any new meds, I had felt lousy, but I had been fighting a kind of like sore throat thing off and on and felt so drained of energy, but what was causing this so extremely unusual feeling... like I my faint, dizzy, my brain just not "working".... my first thought was to take myself to the Urgent Care Clinic across town. So, Happened Mom had her car that day back so she could go to church that morning, so I called her and let her know something was not right... Thus she came and got me and took me to Urgent Care... Thank goodness, the doctor that saw me happened to also be one of our ER physicians, so that worked out well. He was concerned enough to really send me to ER but then after we saw the lung XRays and he knew I really did not feel like going to ER and further being poked, stuck, blood drawn etc put through another battery of tests, the sent home with probably the say thing he gave me... high powered antibiotics, cough medication, an inhaler, and other pills for my breathing... so fortunately I got home, got on the sofa with my meds and the puppies and we were there all except for the very necessary done... all other stuff was put off until I felt better. Then both my cardiac doctor and my PCP BOTH still here the pneumonia in my lungs. So, I had another round of antibiotics, also my 2nd infusion of Rituxan has been postponed until my lungs are completely clear on an X-ray.... and in the mean time I am hurting like hell due to the lack of a biologic...I t has been a very rouogh 3 or 4 days... Jim is home and he is of course working much harder not having the wheelchair and relying solely on the cane... and me just trying to get used to all of the things that are different now as he takes over a new "home" and new ways to discover how to do things. So, we are "okay" he does to Outpatient Therapy on Wednesday, tomorrow... in Waxahachie..... and for me I am working on getting these teeth all pulled and the "mini implants" put in ... along with insurance to hopefully pay 60 percent of it! Again we take a step forward daily and learn to adapt to this new course... this new pathway of life.....

(Part 3) My "intuition" was right... it just never ends... I feel as if all my life will be one big ball of a foggy brained, Autoimmune RA/Lupus/Sjögren's and who knows what else of a disaster...

Part3 - How many Opinions does it take from who many "Physicians" before you feel at ease? Peering into the Looking Glass of Autoimmune Illnesses, and deciding where to begin.... and where to END? 

Can you put your "health" in the hands of those that are supposed to be "educated", who have been through testing, who have taken a "vow" to  - "Do No Harm?" - and these days what does that small sentence truly mean.... "Do NO Harm"?

Trust... Trust who? Well from what I've experienced over the past 3 to 4 weeks, I am not sure who is the real insane person around? The doctors, the insurance company, me... or whom... but I do know NOTHING is getting better at all.

I called my pain physician's office yesterday. The pain that has decided to plague my body for a 3rd time in about 18 months has reared its ugly head again. I tried to tell him last week, when my medication for the pain pump to be refilled was NOT THERE! It was sitting in some office in Phoenix AZ! So, I go without my "extra boluses" so I do NOT run out over the weekend and the pump start "beeping"... and run out before Monday. I had already been "hurting" worse for days before that. Given the fact that I was NOT given my biologic when it should have been given, then surgery, then not being able to do anything for 6 weeks because of the surgery, then I got sick and was ill for weeks, turned around and low and behold the beginnings of not just ONE flare but TWO! RA and Lupus! Then another 14 days to try to get SOME KIND of BIOLOGIC the insurance WOULD pay for, and then waited for the prior authorization that went to the wrong pharmacy. So, that all had to be redone and sent to the proper place. All the while I knew my body was in the stages of rebelling. I felt it each day getting worse. Worse to the place, that once again I could sit in this floor, scream, cry, and beg... but that would not do a thing, but cause me to hurt worse.

So, after NO call back from my pain doctors office yesterday, I knew something was "wrong"... where his head is, and why after going through ALL he has watched me go through. Knowing my extreme health issues, or supposed to be knowing them, I get a call from his "nurse" who is a jackass anyway. I already had issues with her a couple of months ago over NOT getting my medication called in, before I ran out. Well, today was the day for me to call it in. When she called, I knew something was up. She goes on to tell me, that my doctor is calling me in some.... and he thought it would help with the "inflammation"... Well red flags went up everywhere... so out of my mouth came is it an NSAID? She paused, said wait a moment, and of course came back to say yes, Well, right back at you NO! Now this doctor has been seeing me since 2008, knowing ALL of my issues, and he knows I've had not just ONE heart attack but TWO! That is NOT including the GERD and all of my stomach issues. So, why the hell he became so "weird" about all of a sudden NOT upping my pain meds for a month is beyond my capacity to understand at this moment. After ALL he has watched me go through, and also portions of this beyond my control, their own crap with my medication not being there, thus I had to cut my meds "way back" for like 5 days... I already was in severe pain due to the entire biologic stuff... and now all of a sudden, for no reason, he decided to try to give me an NSAID? Hell, I would BE ON THEM, IF I could! I just looked at the phone as she said, well, I will call your other meds in Monday? What the hell? I am supposed to run out Monday, and they MAIL THEM FROM DALLAS! She knows that she cannot wait until the last moment to do that. OMG, I was ready to explode! Conveniently, he is out of the office "today". mmmmmm, he always is when you "need" something. I am still just blown away by his attitude, and I had even picked up on it, when I was at the office both times. Something at his office seems "off" now too.

What the hell is up with doctors all of a sudden? I've never seen so many weird changes of attitude, of how they treat their long term patients,  and the plethora of "lack of caring"... that I've witnessed in just three weeks.

Honestly, I trust my OWN judgement at this moment. more than I do several of my own physicians. I get the impression that their "realms" of health care have just about flown out the window when it comes to any patients who are on Medicare, Medicaid or a Medicare Advantage Plan. I've said it once, twice, and three times, plus... the government has their fingers so tied into all of it, that doctors cannot possibly do their jobs taking care of patients, all the while either the DEA, FDA, Medical Board, Medicare, Medicaid, other insurance companies, the government as a whole as ALL breathing down their necks.

I believe at last count, I've seen and heard at least 5 or 6 articles about "bad pain medication" in just the past week. Everyday over the course of this week there is yet another "gripe", whine and bitch about "pain medications" and addictions. Let me tell you right now, unless you have walked for ONE DAY, hell ONE HOUR in the severe amount of ever growing pain that myself along with so many of us deal with, you cannot imagine what that feels like, You cannot imagine in any way shape or form, how your entire body feels like it is a hot burning coal of fire.... from the tip top of your head, all the way down into the bottoms of your feet.

Then let's see. You have a job, you need to go to work. You need to take care of your home, your kids, your LIFE! HOW can anyone stand up and "deny" something for someone that they know will IMPROVE their quality of life?

The saddest thing about all of this.... it is just getting worse day by day... you have no where to turn anymore... family gives up, spouses leave, you are in nothing but a place of despair. Where do you go, which direction will lead you to an answer?

NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE should have to SUFFER THIS TYPE OF PAIN! Not one soul, should have to endure the kind of brain rattling, aching, like someone took a baseball bat and beat you from your toes to your head type of pain.

Our bodies are marvelous machines... when they are well oiled, taken care of , don't get knocked out of alignment, they can do some magnificent things. Yet, you allow your body to  get run down, draw upon some strange illness, whether it be a bacteria, a virus, some kind of chain reaction in our nervous systems, or just decides it is just going to run on 4 cylinders instead of 6 or 8, you are in one screwed up mess.

Just as I took a break for a few minutes, I saw an email come in from MedPage. I had been taking their newsletters for a long time, then stopped for awhile. About 2 months ago, as the latest and greatest news kept breaking about this, that and the other, when it comes to the health care industry (should say profession)... industry... yes, just another "brickness" in the wall I fear...

I come across this article. Much of it sums up exactly what I have been trying to portrait through my own words in these (parts... up to 3 now) posts about all of the crap that flies around throughout the entire medical world.

I will post the URL in this when I get my own "fogged" wisdom out of a brain that feels as if it has been drug through the mud... and not much med for sure... Why is it that Medicare in itself had doctors spend BILLIONS of dollars on "electronic systems" that now cause MORE red tape, MORE work, MORE PAPER, more time... and MORE Of everything BUT the ONE thing doctors are to do. spend TIME with their PATIENTS! In the "age of technology", when "phone" messages fly through the air, and not over a wire... when you can connect your computer to the internet and never plug in a wire, does it NOW take more papers than ever to see a doctor? I've been seeing my same pain specialist now for at least 6 years, for all of the exact things... yet I had to "fill out" an entire new set of paperwork that was about 10 pages of crap, they already knew and had on me. It was a waste of time, money, and they probably never looked at it what so ever. I would be willing to bet it went right into the recycle bin. Now my husband is a first time patient, and he sees the doctor for the first time, I can see "filling out" forms. But, my gosh, about 10 pages of that was just "stuff" to either initial or sign. And it is just exactly what the article I read talks about. MORE of a doctors and the professionals time spent screwing around SIGNING CRAP that means nothing to a patients level of care! When your physician has to spend more time looking down at a "whatever kind of lap tablet" that thing is they carry around now typing on, rather than examining you the patient, listening to you the patient, checking your heart, lungs, looking over your skin, everything else on you.... but honestly, I have watched my doctors lately squirm when they see me coming with my yellow or hot pink piece of paper they know is "my list", I can see them wanting to jump out of the window and run. Mine know I am GOING to have questions that I fully intend on getting answered before they leave that room. No more of going "unprepared". When I am off to the doctor, especially for a follow up that I've had the appointment for now for months, or I am seeing a new specialist for new symptoms, I will have them in that office until I feel I am satisfied with the answers. Yet, I've watched my own PCP one time set there and talk for an hour with me, then the next he stands with his hand on the door knob just waiting to catch a moment, that he can quickly escape. I realize he has other patients. I also know he does, thus I will not "over step" my grounds. But, I feel I deserve my "allotted" time. What they do though, is "allot" that same amount of time to about 6 patients, then that is there fault. If they overbook, just like the airlines do, then someone is going to have to either wait, or be hurried through. Normally, I find I am either the one being hurried through, OR I am the very LAST one called in for that "time slot" for sure. And what about this new thing of bringing you back to spend another 2 hours in that damned ice box cold exam room, when you could be sitting at least out in waiting area, catching everyone's germs as they come in! Nothing burns me up than for me to walk in, and 3 or 4 people come in behind me, all stating their appointments are scheduled the same time as mine! Hell, mine can't even see me and make a decent diagnosis and treatment plan alone with just me, much less 4 or 5 other "sick" people in the mix. Then of course here comes the nurse, asks all the questions, half way gets down what you say, takes your vitals, and says "okay" I will get all of this logged in and he/she will be in within a bit.... yeah right.... a bit my butt... more like 2 plus hours later, you have worn the seat completely out of your pants,  you have stretched, walked, watched the same pictures of their kids go by in a digital frame that have been there for years, looked out the window, listened to their elevator music/radio and all of the whispering, crying, hollering, and just about the time you are ready to explode, here they are "cordially" explaining about the emergency, and being "sorry" for being late... yeah right where the hell is my $25.00 you would charge me for being late? Some how that shoe never quite fits over on your foot, but it certainly does theirs.

I am so totally, utterly, completely, within, without, absolutely SICK AND TIRED... OF THE ENTIRE MEDICAL SCENE, that I could literally jump off this house, land on my two damned hurting legs... and I probably would feel better than I do right now!
What makes this even worse for me, is that this time the "brain fog", is more like a brain super mud... no transparency, no light, no even haze, just a thick mass of, I am not sure what I am saying or meaning from one moment to the next. I am catching myself repeating things in my postings, emails, even to what I say to Jim and Mom. Honestly, I cannot remember that I did just "write that" in the last post. Or that I told Mom that on the phone yesterday. I can't remember I saw this movie a month ago, or there would be no way for me to ever get home without a list. Whether I need 5 things or 50, nothing seems to "stick". All just seems to be sucked in a black, muddy sludge... along with all of the intense physical pain that surrounds me, and engulfs me.

I know people must be just thinking "oh, she is just having a bad few days", I am not one to "repeat" myself or forget what I just said. I do at times, but this is so much different...

continuing now on Sunday the 9th of March

I've tried to decide exactly how I want to handle the several glaring issues staring me down this next couple of weeks. I've  thought about everything from getting my teeth fixed, and how the heck I was going to get into that specialist in Dallas BEFORE they all fall completely out! This is NO LIE! I put the coffee on at 2:00 am this morning... yes the clocks rolled back and rather sleep you would think, but nope not me, I am wide awake. I happen to hear some of the neighbors coming home, opening car doors and slamming them, and their music just a blaring... yet my household, other than myself knew nothing. Jim has been "ill" again with flu like symptoms, so I decided or we decided I did not need to be exposed anymore than I had to. So I've been disinfecting everything. So, I went to take yet another BC powder, and I always have to have a small bite of something after I take one. they are quite unpleasant especially if any of it does not go down with the first drink. So, I grabbed a tiny piece of dark chocolate that was sitting there in the fridge. Now of course it is cold so it is a bit harder than not being out for awhile. But, just as I put it in my mouth and began to chew down on it, I felt something hard in my mouth. Well, it was not that bite of chocolate, because nothing was in it. So, I go "digging" around and find an entire back piece of one of my top back jaw teeth out. About the time the coffee is ready, I pour a cup and still something felt "odd" about that time I feel another piece of something hard, like a little sliver of some kind. Yes, sir it was another piece of tooth, BUT it came from a different tooth on the other  side of my mouth. Then I got to my computer, went to take one of my medications, and again I feel something "hard" in my mouth (not the pill) ... and again for a 3rd time off of another tooth, a chunk fell out! 
So, here I am at 2:30 am standing in my kitchen, literally watching my teeth fall apart. That was NOT the way I intended on spending my Early Sunday Morning. In fact, I had the intention last evening of possibly going to a new church this morning, depending on how I felt. This severe pain in my legs has just about sent me to the nut house, honestly. My head is not on straight, the brain fog is just beyond belief, and I am so utterly disappointed with the entire world right now, I am not sure where to even begin, 
My story sounds like child's play compared to some I realize. But, I tell you when you have been through what I've dealt with in the past 8 weeks or so, and don't forget it is just now a bit over 6 weeks since I had double hernia surgery. In fact this is really the 1st weekend I've been able to feel like I can do some things I had not been able to yet. I did vacuum the house, and I've done some bending over and picking things up out of the yard, trimming back some of my bushes that will hopefully come out soon... I still have not been on the exercise bike yet but that is due to the leg pain. I fear that my legs may hurt worse. With the entire situation with my pain doctor and his witch of a nurse, I assuredly do not want to get to hurting any worse if I can help it. 
I have SO MUCH I NEED  & MUST get done, or I won't be able to make the trip to DC. That will just break my heart. I've even thought about shortening the trip for myself, and coming home Friday. then let Jim stay until Sunday. That way the dogs only have to be watched after on Thursday and Friday until I get home whenever, and then Jim would fly in on Sunday and I'd have to go and pick him up. I am just not sure I can go yet at all, not in the shape I am in at this moment. But, it could be I would be able to at least make the Fly In... get to meet his Mom, and then they could have a really good visit, and catch up. It's been over 10 years since they have seen each other in person. So, it is totally important for him to try and go. Of course he also has so many issues with health, mainly severe arm, neck and back pain, I am not sure he will go and can withstand the trip either. 
His idea is "well I hurt if I am at home or in DC... well that is true but when you are at home... you can have your own "nervous breakdowns" without someone else knowing it. 

There is a great deal more I want to say here; so this post may have a 4th portion to it. 

I am not sure if I will do it that way, or just call this one "finished".... and begin anew ... probably begin new. Due to "perspectives" I realize that not everyone will "agree" or "disagree" with me on some things I've said, and believe.... 

But, I do believe that "WE" all of us .... talking now about the Chronically Ill Patients,  with illnesses that take away all that is good in our lives, and turn us inside out and upside down... Autoimmune Arthritis... and all of the other Autoimmune Illnesses... along with Chronic Pain, people suffering from FM (which I still believe is an autoimmune illness)... Chronic Fatigue Syndrome... and the other things like my friend just discovered... she has "Chiari"... where a portion of her brain stem is literally gone down into her spinal canal and is being "crushed"! It has taken all of her life of fussing, crying begging, screaming, tests after tests, and in a "test" for something else, they "found" this syndrome she was born with. 
due to the nature of this malformation... and the unbelievable story that it has taken over (I think she is about 50 years old, but she looks like she is 35) :):) for them to find this... she also has Lupus...  of which she is being treated for... Here is a link that explains this malformation... she does not know yet if she faces surgery or what... but by gosh anyone would be totally freaked out if they got this diagnosis after all these years.

http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/chiari/detail_chiari.htm

Please comment.... I want to hear from YOU!!!!

Little Known Virus Could be the answer to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

This is a true breakthrough for the millions suffering from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Those with it and related diseases such as Fibromyalgia have gone for years with little hope, very little explanation as to the cause, medications, research, and possibly a cure! I am thrilled about the thought of the possibility of some way to avoid or cure this life altering syndrome.

Plus, rather than make it appear it is all in our heads, now there is more proof it is truly a very real illness.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/09/health/research/09virus.html?ref=health