My "Annual Christmas Letter for 2016" such a different twist on this past year.

                       “The Steele’s” Annual Christmas Letter 2016 - by Pam Steele 


I have tried to set down at least 10 times and start this Annual Christmas Letter. I've been doing them for many, many years, at least 25 or more. I send them out with my Cards, to family and friends especially those that we don't get to see much anymore.
With what happened for the at least last 6 months of 2015, with the abscesses and cellulitis in my thighs, then my internal pain pump "failed" and it was the last week of the year, December 29th before I was well enough and clear of infections to have the pump replaced.

I did well, and Mom had been giving me certain "signs" for at least 18 months or so, that her "memory" was just not as it used to be. Of course she turned in 80 years old inn August 2015, so our minds, including mine are not what they used to be. Yet, I was with her, or talked to her everyday. I noticed more and more certain things she said, she did, she did not do, and the way she seemed confused at times, really concerned me.

I began to notice her "telling stories" that she absolutely believed happened, and which seemed “odd” at the very least. Yet, what she was telling, just seemed to not at all be something that really ever happened, or would almost be "making-up" portions like she was not sure about all of what she was saying,

I had already fixed everything(bills & such) and it just paid out of her account. Before I did, she made out checks, and did not sign them, or could not "recall" how to spell something such as "one hundred" etc. In January this year, I was getting more concerned by the day. She became to falls. One time, she fell out of her chair in the living room, could not get up, did not have the cordless phone anywhere she could get to, and I felt like she laid in the floor at least 8 hours or so, because I could tell she had cushions under her head, and I would ask her Mom, how long have you been there? She would say, at least 3 or 4 DAYS! No one ever comes to check on me! Well, I had been by the afternoon before. Plus I had talked to her on the phone about 7PM or so, and she was “fine" that same evening earlier I felt like she got up in the night, sat down in her chair in the living room, maybe to get a drink, or sometimes she would have a bad dream, so she would get up, roam around in the dark basically, then sat down in that rocker, fell asleep, and fell out of the chair.I had already gotten onto her about NOT keeping that cordless phone with her at all times, and the doctor even suggested a cell phone or an alarm around her neck. Well, I bought one, and she said she did not know how to use it, so I gave that idea up quickly,

Within about 4 weeks after seeing the doctor, she began to "regress". It was very rapid the way, she went from being able to drive, clean her house, cook, and buy groceries. By the middle of February, she called me and said her "car" would not start. I tried to ask her what she was doing, and I knew she was NOT turning on the ignition, so it would NOT go drive or reverse. I had to jump up, put clothes on (this was early, like 8 or 9AM, she wanted to go to the store)...so sure enough, I go over, open the door, put the key in the ignition, turn it and the car starts, and I could put it into the gear. She was MAD thinking that "I did something". Yet, she just could not recall how to turn on the ignition, and drive. So, immediately I took the keys away, and within a few days, I would go over, and either she could not "light the oven", or she forgot how to use the television. She told me she did not "care about" television anymore. But, she used to watch shows late at night, when she could not sleep.
She could not dial a phone number a number was "messed up" because there was no way she could dial it. So, if I did not call her, or go over there every day, usually several times, I was stressed over what she might do that could harm herself or worse, so I had to check on her.

I had been scheduled for neck and lower back surgery and rescheduled about 4 times from March till May. There was not way I could trust her, even for a day without me going to check k on her, so I turned off the gas to the stove, to the heater, it was not cold anymore anyway, and then she just stopped eating. She began to lose weight, and nothing fit her. She could not take her medications correctly, and would either take them twice, or not at all, mostly, not at all. I even had them in a holder, but she did not know what day of the week it was.

By, May, I had to have help, Her doctor gave us a "script" for home health. The more I was at her home, I began to notice, that the house, that always was spotless... things she would never let go or get dirty, were terrible. She had not been sweeping, the bathroom was terrible, and she had ants everywhere. It took me weeks to finally get rid of all of the ants.
By May, Mom became mainly bedridden. She was "barely knew where she was, who she was, who anyone was", she would not even get on the bedside to clean up, or to get on the portable potty. Then anytime the nurse, the aid, or even I barely touched her to get her cleaned up, she would CRY and fuss, and say were were abusing her and that “I” should be ashamed of myself ofr allowing this all to happen.

She fell again right at the 1st of June, and the nurse for the home health wanted her to be taken to ER. I said NO, her wishes are NOT to be transported, nor on medications or machines, she did not want any tests, no blood work, she just wanted to be left alone. But, that nurse called the ambulance, and after much griping, I let them take her, which was a mistake. They did NOTHING for her, kept her overnight, in a bed, no medications, nothing. They sent her home the next EVENING, now this was like 7PM after being at the hospital all day long and no one doing anything, and then they expected ME TO GET HER UP TWO STAIRS, INTO HER HOUSE, AND IN THE BED BY MYSELF!

I almost fell, she almost fell, and it was the last time I heard her "laugh"... I said MOM, dammit, YOU HAVE TO TAKE TWO STEPS UP, then I can get the walker, and between it, and me helping, we can get this done, BUT I cannot carry you up these steps, and if you fall, I fall, and we both will be in deep "do'do"! She actually kind of giggled, as the neighbor saw us, and she came to help, and we made it in, and made it to the bed. But, I really hurt my neck and back again, and felt it when I did.
It was exactly one week later, on a Thursday morning, I went in to give her the medications "Hospice" was giving her as comfort meds... and I knew then, she would not make it through the day.
About 10AM, something just told me to go in there, and by now she was not responsive at all, nothing. So, I sat down beside her, on the left side, took her tiny frail hand in mine, and began singing 3 Hymns that she always loved to her Dad sing.

I finished the last few words of "Pearly White City", she took a breath, and she was gone.
Oddly enough, the Hospice Nurse knocked on the door within a few minutes, so she came in, took Mom's "pulse", they must check it for 5 minutes before they can "pronounce" them gone. She called the Funeral home for me, and once they arrived, I left and went to "Urgent Care" myself. I had been sick for two weeks so, while I knew I had that time to go and take care of me for a bit, I did. I had already bought her a blouse, and pants, and I took those to the funeral home, picked out the casket, etc. and began to try and "decompress" from all of the shock of it all.
From there, of course family called, and friends, and those who needed to be called.

The service was perfect. I could not have asked for anything that fit any better than how it all came together.

There are still loose ends to work on, decisions to be made, and I hope that I will be able to "finish up the year" having either my cervical neck or lumbar spine surgery.
It has been a year, that if I tried to explain all of it, and the emotions, feelings, and so many things that I've been through, there would be no way, to truly give you real look into how much it all changed me.
My hope is that each of you, your families, friends, and this nation can find a solution, to PEACE, here, and on this Earth!

If I have wished for anything, PEACE is on the top of my list for all,

With my love and Merry Christmas, My prayers are that 2017 bring in light, love, laughter, and a life that is truly in “satisfaction".... along with hope, & a renewed faith and knowing what matters For as I experienced the moments of life are truly fleeting and precious

Rhia and her two "fur-kids" - Bubba and Peanut

"Sharing" My Annual Christmas Letter with Each of You! - And Wishing you a Wondrous Holiday Season Despite Chronic Illness/Pain,RA,Lupus,FM, Sjogren's and More

I debated as to whether to "share" this with everyone here or not... but I feel I truly need to share "my own family, trials, tribulations, and hope that through my own "life's eyes" you can find your own "spirit" to write, email or tell your family, and extended family that "life" can sometimes be not so great, yet the "hope, faith, peace and spirit" can exist in spite of all that life decides to throw our way..... so here it is....




              ********** And Here’s A Merry Christmas Straight to You From Texas!*********


I feel as if i just completed my “Annual Christmas Letter” and once again, another year is flying by quickly. It is like with each year that passes, they seem to be shorter in length. Yet, it seems it takes me 3 times as long to accomplish anything!


Age, a subject most of us prefer not to talk about in length. Another thing is that with each birthday celebration, I feel like they come around twice a year rather than once. As I have told my son and daughter, Jason (who is 37), and Amanda (who is now 31), enjoy each moment, and savor all of the memories you can soak in, because as it used to feel when we are young, time seems to “drag” by,

Then we become adults with jobs, families, spouses, and the hectic times we live in, and time just flies by, and sometimes our memories of the good things we have seen, done, accomplished, been through, all tend to fade…

The holiday seasons always tend to bring back so many wonderful memories, of those Christmas’ when the kids were little, all of the decorating, baking, cooking, and parties that I had and went to, and how life gives us a great deal of good times, yet we tend to take them for granted. I know I have at times for sure.

Then with age, definitely comes some wisdom, and as I look back, I have had many “fulfilling” adventures, even though at the time I may not have realized it. Yet, when I think about my trips, whether vacations, with my parents, or with my own kids, or the times I took off on my own, and kind of let the wind carry me away… I always knew my “destination”… but it was always the journey to get there that made it exciting, and finally allowed to me look back and see just how “strong” (emotionally and mentally) I’ve been for the most part in my life.

So, as I try my best to “tap out” another Holiday Letter, I find myself almost as a loss for “words of true spirit” and good things from 2015. There is so much that has happened over the course of 20 plus months to my family and myself, that it will take another small “novelette” to give all of you the details of what has gone on.

The accident in 2014, that Jim, my husband was in, and the lawsuit that followed, finally came to a close the first week in November. Much to all of our surprise, it did NOT end on a “good note” for us. Basically, the jury decided it was NOT the truck driver’s fault (even though he completely ran over the back of our car and never slowed down etc.) and even though the other side tried to say our “car” was not in good shape, (they had someone say that the hood flew up while Jim was driving the car”, which I know and all of us know that did NOT happen, and never would have. My car, was in perfect condition to be on the road, and that hood was completely latched down, and did not just “suddenly” fly up. We have no way to “prove” it, but even our own lawyers tend to believe there was some “hush money”, and these “so-called” witnesses, that happened to have been outside in their yard, on a very busy I-45 coming into Dallas, and at that moment “saw” the hood open… that chances of that, you could win the lottery before that would happen. Yet, we have no way to prove that people lied on the witness stand, and I also feel there was something odd about the “jury”… I felt again, someone had been “paid” to keep their mouths shut, OR rule “no one at fault”… anyway, it left all of us devastated, more than you can even know. That accident has “wrecked” Jim’s life, especially physically, but mentally and emotionally. It totally wrecked my life, harmed my own health, and upset of course Mom, and my two children Jason and Amanda. So, due to a “truck driver” who was “on a cell phone with his brother”, and ran over the back of our car, we still basically “lost” any and all help with Jim’s medical bills, his future needs medically, he is unable to work full time due to what they now feel was more of a concussion than they first realized, he is partially paraplegic, and can walk on a cane some, but needs a wheelchair if it is a longer distance… and more than that, he moved back to Seattle 6 months ago. I am still not even sure why, other than he felt he was a “burden” on me… and that my health was suffering, and I was having to do everything, he could not cook, drive, even get down the steps by himself, and then I had Mom’s things I am doing also… thus we are still friends, and talking, keeping in touch… but whether we will ever “regain” our 13 YEARS together, 10 of those married this year in April, is still yet to be seen.

That is why partially I almost decided “not” to write this Annual Christmas Letter this year. I feel there is not a great deal of “good” that has happened to any of us over the course of 2015. In fact, Mom has not been well, and she has issues with her lumbar spine, and is getting ready to have lumbar injections in the next week or so. My internal “pain pump” also “stalled”, & I need surgery to replace it. But. 4 months ago I came down with two “lumps” one on each upper thigh, originally thought to be cellulitis. After 4 or 5 weeks of antibiotics, I was sent to a surgeon, to “incise” them, and he was NOT the doctor who should have done those procedures. I now have been going to a wound care specialist for 4 weeks in Dallas every week, so they will get well enough I can even have surgery. I also have lumbar/sacral back problems that need surgery, and without my Rheumatoid Arthritis medications, (they took me off them when I had the increase of infections with the cellulitis), so my pain level, without the pain pump, and even on oral medications do not even “touch” the horrid pain I’ve been in now for 3 or 4 months.

Mom also had some issues due to medications, and had some kidney functions problems, that they feel have been cleared up. But, she is also in pain, with her back, and the sciatic pain, but also she at 80 this year is suffering from arthritis pain several places. She had been on Celebrex, but it is the NSAIDS that caused the kidney function problems, so she cannot take any NSAIDS to help with arthritis pain. She is also on some pain medication, and we hope the epidural injections give her some relief from the back and sciatic pain.

Amanda, Jimbo, Heather, James, and Logan are doing well. I finally got to visit with them during Thanksgiving. It had been a long time since we had seen one another, so I was so thrilled that they got to come up, even though it was not long enough. Heather, their daughter will graduate this year, and already has decided to go into the Marines. She wants to be in the medical field, and feels enlisting will give her the education, the discipline and all she needs to succeed in the medical field. I am so proud of all of them. They are a wonderful wife and husband, Mom and Dad, and Amanda is an awesome daughter!

Jason has a new job, working with some electrical devices that he enjoys. So, he is doing okay. He would like to get a bit more established, and get an apartment up in the area where he is working. So, he is busy working to fulfill his goals, and he also plays guitar and sings with some of the local bands in the Dallas area. He really loves the guitar and playing. He has always been so great at that. I love music, dancing, and singing… and wished I had the talent many years ago, to do something in the music field.

But, I do write lyrics, and still practice my singing and playing the drums sometimes. I just bought a pair of boots and jeans (well waiting on the jeans to come in, I ordered them too large, so waiting on the smaller pair to come in), so I can go out and see if I can still “scoot a boot”. It has been a long time, and have not tried since both knee were replaced. So, I hope I can still love across that dance floor.

From all of us, myself, Mom, Amanda, Jason, and family… we wish you a very Happy and Merry Christmas! May the New Year 2016, bring you peace, good health, happiness, and hope. May you be blessed and overflowing with all things good!

Love you…. Pam (Rhia)