How do you DEAL with ALL happening? COVID,FLU on its way,possible West Nile,Lupus,RA,Pseudo-gout,Chronic Pain, & now a "Death" of an Ex-Husband

 How do you DEAL with ALL happening? COVID,FLU on its way,possible West Nile,Lupus,RA,Pseudo-gout,Chronic Pain, & now a "Death" of an Ex-Husband... and the List goes on and on, Severe Anemia...  & WHAT IS NEXT?

and where do I begin? After over 290 "handwritten" pages about COVID-19 & the entire ordeal.. still there are many more typed, put on Facebook, on my Blog, in my blog, my head, & daily they come to me, at night they haunt me... Do I feel "guilt", pain, suffering, shame, am I supposed to be pissed off? Or am I supposed to "feel Sorry...  should I tell the story, or do I stay quiet? Do I try and get hold people & let them know. Or do I just allow it to play out as it is?

After so many years of supposedly him thinking we were the perfect "match" he suddenly "packs" what little he has and was trying to LEAVE BEFORE my Mom and I got home from an overnight trip! To this moment, as well as all others NO ONE KNOWS why he just "left"? 10 years of marriage, 13 years together... none of it made any sense... And I KEPT QUIET for WAY too long on the really horrible things he did and said, to anyone.

Here I was, chronically ill, with Lupus, RA, Sjogren's, osteoporosis, then Pseudogout & other issues turning my fingers "crooked" over one another. I was the bone that took care of it all, Although he "led" others to believe, even his own Mom, that HE DID everything! Bull!!! He barely cooked a meal every once in a while. from laundry, to groceries to cleaning, he did none of that..

So in 2016 when he just ups' and leaves that was bad enough. But, to NEVER come out with the truth... then in 2020 only 10 days or so before his 60th birthday... he disappears... has even the law, out looking for him...b & they find him "deceased" in some stranger's apartment..or as far as his good friends from that area knew, he knew no one where he was found. But, "Meth" & many of you know my own night terror with someone close on Meth... he was a coward, chicken, & has no love for his family, what is left of it, nor his "Step-Mom" whom he had considered his Mom all his life. And the few friends, that some had no clue about one another...  they are trying to get toxicology reports, and I suppose there could be an autopsy done. Since he was found without a bill fold, without his cell phone at 1st, he had no car, he had wrecked it a couple of weeks before... So, the "only" people that were close enough were out of town on vacation.. they did not find out till days after coming home. The law I guess finally found his cell phone to be able to try & find someone who knew for sure who it was.

I shall close this right now & give more as I find out, if I ever do...I feel for the few friends he had.. they will be totally in shock.

UPDATE December 23,2020

I spoke with my "ex-Mother In-Law" (she really will always be my Mother In Law, and a sweet lady, called me yesterday. I found out that although they never really found ALL of the DETAILS SHE WAS TOLD BY THE LAW ENFORCEMENT that Jim was found out in the country (lots of beautiful country side to drive through in WA State and admire) by himself, with on other evidence (I don't think they did an autopsy) that he had a massive Heart Attack. That was the reason I believe they ruled his death. It does not sound "right" to me... not like him to just drive off, and not take his daughter on an afternoon drive and not really tell her anything. Yet, I shall unless something else comes up, leave it at that hid died of a massive "MI". 

Lord knows, I DROVE MYSELF 20 MILES to the hospital in 2001 (I was 40 yrs old) to the hearest hospital, and even walked into the Emergency Room, about the time, I was much worse.. they immediately got a wheelchair, and into the main trauma room there. As they hooked me to machines, gave me an aspirin, and asked me who was with me, and I said "no one". I drove myself from home in Rice TX which is just about 20 miles from the hospital. If I had waited the doctor told me for an ambulance, or to get someone there to take me I would have not made it. That for one in his life he can say even though he would never suggest it, I was right to do what I did in order to live.

They gave me the injection of the "clot buster and it literally stops a heart attack from being worse if given in time. But he was putting me in Cardiac ICU until I was table then sending me to the Main Heart Hospital in Dallas. NEVEr EVER do I WANT TO RIDE IN AN AMBULANCE AGAIN! I believe in all that was my 3rd ride in one and it is a horrible experience, especially if you are very inured or in pain. 

As they say "Its like riding in an iron wheel wagon", it is so rough, bumpy and you are slipping and sliding, and everything back there is. But, I was fortunate to have great EMT's all 3 times that kept me calm on those rides.

So, as it went I did make it to the hospital in "mid-massive MI" BUT just in time for the medication to STOP most of the muscle damage to my heart. Knowing that, and knowing that I wanted to live badly enough, that I took the chance of driving on the Highway with blinkers on, and very slowly just in case I felt like I may pass out. Of course NOT a police officer in site when I really needed one. But.  made it, things were not nearly as bad as they had 1st expected.. and it must be that it was my time to STAY HERE... I still had "work to do here on Earth first"

Knowing that, and knowing he may have known something was wrong, I believe he did not want her to try and save him (his daughter). I feel he "knew" and was almost like going ahead to "leave Earth" because he just could not handle anything else. ad, sad, sad, for everyone, but especially his daughter that he had came in contact with like 30 years after not seeing her. 

So, I just pray she gets the help she needs to get herself back together and live on to know they had some time together.