Being Totally "Beaten down" by Life... or Lack of Quality of Life...

I TRULY feel HORRIBLE for even thinking this, but I am so disgusted, upset, resentful, and feel as if I have been a "prisoner" on a short leash for so long now.... 1st is was my own illnesses, surgeries, and all that came with the Lupus, RA, Sjogren's and so forth. Then, next was Jim's car accident. WE both felt like VICTIMS and felt TIED DOWN due to how severe all of his injuries were, and HOW FOR A LONG WHILE HE WAS UNABLE TO DO ANYTHING... and NOW IT IS THIS NIGHTMARE WITH MY MOM... I am trying to REMEMBER this is NOT her, and it is NOT HER FAULT, BUT TODAY I am just plain and totally "resentful" of what has been thrown in my lap... She talked to me as if I were a low life today, she accused me of "taking stuff" and Moving stuff... and told me "when she got home" some woman has messed up the whole house"... and I asked her "where she had been" and then she says < Well, at home!" and then I say well Mom where are you now? And she said "HELL I don't know"...

wherever you or some other "woman" takes me.... I "knew" sooner or later" due to her personality being much like my Grandfather's, that the "derogatory" part of her personality (for lack at this moment for a better term" would probably "rear its ugly head at me"... and today it did... and she was telling the "aid" today, that "whomever that woman is" she is mean to me... in other words, she has NO CLUE who I was, and furthermore, that I was her daughter, and I have been nothing but busting my ass to help her! She wants to refuse any help, she does not want the aid to help her shower, etc... she thinks she should never have to "shower"...

and I found drinking glasses in drawers in the kitchen, and things all spread around, that were NOT like that when I left yesterday! She does NOT recall getting up when no one is there, and she digs through stuff, and puts stuff where it does not belong, and then accuses the "women" or "woman" who comes by all the time of moving stuff and making a mess.... In less than 4 weeks she lost 6 more pounds! She just will "barely" eat when I am there, and even though the fridge IS FULL of things to eat, she will NOT get anything out and eat it... then she said it had been "days" since anyone came by to check on her... PLUS here I have this awesome opportunity to go to the Conference in Nashville, and again - I am a "prisoner" and can't even leave for a weekend!

 I am so fed up, and I have told her, and the nurse that comes by also told me himself, when the doctor finds out she is not eating, losing more weight than ever, will not get up and help her own self, will not do the work with the PT, and so forth... he is going to want her in a nursing home... I've cut the gas off to the heater, because she tried to turn it on... I am almost ready to turn it off to the stove.... I found out by "watching her" today... that it is NOT that she does NOT want to watch TV, she has no clue how to turn it on, or change channels... because I finally turned it on today, to make sure the new antenna was working correctly, and I could tell her has no clue how to use the remote.... anyway I apologize for seeming "hateful"... but I am "tired of" my own life always "on hold" because of something, either my own health, now this issue with her or whatever it is, comes along and rips out the parts of my own life I want to live.... I am 56 years old, and after already suffering a heart attack at 40, then being told I would NOT survive another, so I moved away to Seattle, in order to get away from whom was "killing me" in a matter of speaking, only to have other illnesses bog me down, surgeries one after the other, then the massive and horrid car accident with Jim, and now this with Mom... I have survived a 2nd MI when I was 50... but you know I would LIKE TO HAVE SOME KIND OF LIFE, before I am TOO old or TOO ILL to enjoy it! Sorry all of you, I am just in a spot of being knocked down that damned mountain, and feeling battered and bruised... and I am not sure I can climb again....