Alas the "title of this post" is a great deal longer than usual. I felt in order to bring the message to all of you I needed to try and title this so everyone will know how crucial this post is, and just how I've had to pull every ounce of whatever bit of faith I have to bring you the truest feelings of this past couple of years.
Life deems to bring us many things that we cannot possibly "see" the good out of it, whether it is loss of a loved one, a fur baby, chronic illnesses and pain, watching others suffer, when so often whatever is happening seems useless and a waste of what little time we have here on this Earth. I never said or pretended to understand why so many horrible events happen to those that are good, gracious, loving, nurturing, and are decent people. Yet, others that are horrible, frightening, terrible to their own kind, are not decent, not caring, and often tear others down, rather than build them up.
Most people find themselves trying to put a list of "New Years Resolutions" together at the beginning of each year. Other similar words, "revelations, settle, make a pledge to do something a different way, such a quit smoking, work out more, eat healthier, we pledge to ourselves to do some things in a manner more positive, than hold onto our old ways, that may not have been the best way to do things...
thus rather than resolutions, I try and use a different term, such as "throwing out the old, torn and tattered ways, and beginning a new way with new "material" and a hopeful heart. I also know many of us "keep" some of those "resolutions", and some find themselves settling back into their old ways, which brings a guilt to our heart, thus too many "difficult" changes within a short amount of time, leaves us to NOT be able to keep them all. We get upset, feel so useless, see others making their goals, while maybe we cannot keep our own.
Below are a few synonyms that could be used to mean "Resolutions":
| intention, resolve, decision, intent, aim, plan; |
I guess I would say that I shall "pledge" or commit to a few things that I feel I need to change and have a fresh start for the new year.
As always all too often we have "unexpected" roadblocks, happenings, events, whether it be family, illnesses, accidents, jobs, and so on, that change that path of good intentions we set up for ourselves at the 1st of the year.
For me my good intentions tend to get put aside for family, or for the chronic illness and pain I suffer with, that in a moment I can go from feeling great to being in the hospital... having surgery etc. None of us can truly "predict" the exact things that will happen from one moment to the next.
So, as I, along with many of you try to "have the promises" to ourselves duly noted and ready to start anew, remember WE ARE HUMAN! We will have issues come up that causes us not to be able to keep some of the very things we so want to do, change, stop, start and so forth...
As I write this tonight December 31,2016 from my hospital bed, hoping to be out of here and home very soon, again, never did I think 3 weeks ago I would fall, fracture my hip in 2 places, have other complications arise, and spend both Christmas and New Years in a hospital.
Try to keep yours a list of things that are not too complicated, or just write down a few, lie 4 or 5, rather than 10, 20 or more, and be proud of the progress you make even if you don't complete them all. If you get "some" of them done, or just a piece of several that you are working towards a goal on, give yourself a "well done" and push forward, knowing even a baby step, is a definite positive for the New year and YOU!
A piece of me feels as if I am blocking out all that we went through with Mom, then losing her in June so suddenly. Then the ordeal of paperwork, and all that happens even after the funeral is over.
Then I've went from one issue such as both ankles severely twisted, to sinusitis, to pneumonia, to Lupus flares, then to take such a horrible fall. and break my right hip in two places... to wind up being in the Rehab on Christmas, and maybe for awhile after the 1st of the year.
I just know that things have to get better. I am so terribly tired of being ill in one way or the other. I tried so hard to NOT allow this to happen to me. I knew my chances of a fall could lead to a break of a bone or joint. That is one of the very last things I wanted r needed. But, when I hit that hardwood floor two weeks ago the coming Tuesday, I knew it was not good.
I wanted to believe that it was bruised badly, yet when I could not drag it on the floor without screaming out in pain, I knew then it was bad.
I've been in a turmoil over the state our nation is in. Now with the "person" that is to be our new President, totally terrifies the hell out of me. I cannot fathom him having enough tact with out own Congress, much less any other nation.
I am having to almost "hide" my feelings this season. Here I see many families, together, excited about kids, Christmas, and this very special time of the year, yet I feel left in a "dark fog" wondering once again why I feel "punished", why did I have to take a fall as I did, and break a hip. And what are the chances that I wind up having another surgery if this hip does not work without an entire replacement since the osteoporosis could cause issues.
Frankly, this is one of the very 1st times I've been this worried about my own health issues. I watched my Grandmother and my Mom be able especially my Grandmother take care of themselves for YEARS alone. Now, I fear everything, from just getting out of the bed to going home. I've always been so bound and determined to do my stuff myself. Now, between the Lupus, the RA, the Osteoporosis, and now a broken hip, that I will lose some of my independence, which that thought bothers me badly.
Then to have one of my fur kids pass away suddenly night before last in my arms, here in the Rehab, just seemed to put the entire last almost 3 years into a world of such hurt, for myself, and also my kids; I keep trying to "hold onto" what little faith I have to sustain me, and try to over the sinking into sand, peeking upward, and asking for another half ounce of courage, strength and ability to try to "understand" the reasons I may NOT understand, not now, but someday I shall know the why's of this life, and the grief it brings to us within a matter of moments.
