Brain? Fog? I Can't remember!?
I know for myself, I've tended to make a "joke" here and there... blaming something I misplaced, or did not remember on the "brain fog". I think in the RA... Lupus and all Autoimmune World, we use that not in a "joking" manner, to really joke about it, but because I can bet, like myself in the last few weeks, my "Brain Fog" has turned into no laughing matter.
I am in the very worst flare of a combination of Lupus/RA right now that I believe I've had since diagnosed 4 or so years ago. I mean from fatigue that makes me not able to barely drag myself around my tiny home, to so bad, I cancelled my birthday trip last weekend, to I just do not feel like do anything. The Lupus Headache - nothing will get rid of but a huge dose of "corticosteroid" and even though I could barely do it, I managed to take a shower, and go slowly into my doctors office to get some medications. Not bad enough I have flares of both, but also a sinus infection plus some "wheezing" she was very concerned about. I had told her I have been "wheezing" for a bit, but just thought it could be allergies, so I didn't let it concern me much. I have an inhaler here, so this morning I decided to use it. I would not tell her that I've been having times of "shortness of breath" the past 4 weeks or so. I could not withstand another test, walk to get an X-ray or anything, so I left with injection done, called in scripts, that I have to pick up today... and got myself home.
I've had all of the signs and symptoms, from low grade fever, mouth breaking out, the Lupus Migraines, the severe fatigue, every joint, even the bottoms of my feet hurt, thumbs, all of my joints are stiff, swollen and hurt. I think I've gotten so accustomed to these stupid symptoms, I "forget" they are symptoms. I just assume they are things I have to live with. But, the one that has really set this flare apart, from every other, is the torrential "Brain Rain" not just a haze or fog... but the horror of ALL of my brain seems to be aged into the 100's or something. I can barely remember my name. I've decided I've got to make MORE lists, for the ones I already have. I cannot recall words, or remember what day it is. I can't spell words, or I forget the word I wanted to use. I have walked around now for the past 7 days in such a spell bound haze... going into a room, and not knowing why... misplacing things, can't remember if I took my meds, or a shower even. My concentration is none... I am barely able to read something and "have any retention" of what I just read. My husband "talks" to me, and I cannot recall in two minutes what he told me... I type everything wrong... misspelling, typing backwards, or just not typing right at all... There are just a NUMBER of "brain" involved things that I have never HAD such a horrible time with before. Sure I might have a bit of an issue at times, with something like a word, or the name of something. Yet, never have I saw myself in this horrible of shape as far as the brain portion of Lupus etc....
My fear, and I even feared looking it up, is that either the Lupus has done something MORE to effect my brain now.... or there are other factors such as MS, Myasthenia Gravis. I have not really came right out and talked about just how I fear what is going on to anyone other than my husband and Mom. I don't want them overly worried, but I've had to let them know that I may "act odd" or say something weird, OR I may just have to get on the sofa, and rest all day. I do have my Enbrel coming in finally tomorrow... BUT, if it has not been for HUMANA messing me around, I could have already had my infusions 6 or ore weeks ago, and I may not be in this kind of condition. That in itself is another story, and I believe I've hung that one out on the line to dry enough, that everyone is sick and tired of hearing my FIGHT with the insurance over my Rituxan.
So, today, or so far this morning, I've read more about the Lupus/Brain situation, as well as what do to, which much of which involves all of the horrible symptoms I've been having. Along with that, a variety of ways to "help" yourself with the pangs of "Lupus" and so forth.
Most of us are aware of some of the brain fog... as I had said above... it kind of becomes a ''running joke" when we forget etc.... most of the things I already do... lists, stickies, I-cal, and more lists. Making me more specific lists I think may help me. Of course as one of the articles said, if you DON"T write it down immediately, then you may lose what is was;)
I've also found myself, mumbling more, which I've "talked" to myself forever, but this is different. It is like I am almost in a hallucination of sorts. I've noticed I tend to be sitting somewhere, like the doctors office yesterday, and in my "brain" almost this odd movie plays... does not have a thing to do with what I was there for, or listening to.... yet within my mind, almost an hallucination WAS playing... so much and frightened me badly. It made me think I was losing my mind! You fear mentioning it, thinking someone will really think that the "padded" cell is where you need to be.
I find myself thinking I am between "asleep" and "Awake".... I know what is going on around me, but yet it is almost as if my brain took a quick trip somewhere else....
Which has been the most frightening symptom... Plus I find myself wide awake one moment, and within a moment..... it is just a very strange place to be..
Anyway, even though I should be either "here", writing on my book, or working on some of my Active Volunteer stuff, I think I am headed for the sofa for now. I feel like I can't hold my eyes open.... so, I shall possibly rest for now... and try doing something a bit more "prosperous" in a while....
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