Updating how the "Wolf" can "eat you alive" when it wants to....

I am not sure whether to laugh, cry, scream, be quiet, fade away, burn brightly or.... to just fall off the mountain top... and say to hell with it all. I guess I CAN FATHOM that others have just as MANY STUPID "Life" issues as myself and my family do. I have open eyes and an open heart to so many that are out here suffering in one way, the other... or several! Health issues, money issues, raising kids, jobs or lack of them, the rage, the horror, the outlandish behavior of other so-called "humans"... all frightening as have ever been. Mother Nature has put a "hurtin' on so many across our own nation, and furthermore across the world, even just trying to "digest" all of that is almost impossible. Droughts, fires, severe flooding, pests of all kinds, tornado's, hurricane's, high winds, hail the size of baseballs... I mean everywhere you turn, either some home is falling in a "sink hole", or things are so bone dry, all you see is dust. Then you look at another state, and they are so totally enveloped in floods that cars are floating down main street USA! How insane is that? Then the fires... it is just so difficult to watch, thousands upon thousands of acres of land burn up, and people lose everything, even their lives. Then we have the latest of a barrage of "transportation" evils. Trains, planes, huge buses full of people, all wrecking, reeking havoc for hundreds across the world. It seems every day you turn on the news, or read it online to see once again, yet another bus, train, plane, or even a 50 car pileup has completely blocked off major highways everywhere. That is just a "few" of our MANY, MANY dire straits of issues that as plan American folks, and Plain World people that we deal with daily. The pain, the suffering, lack of clean water, of food, of places to live, of money, of medications (how the HELL can WE as the "great" nation we are supposed to be running OUT OF SOME MEDICATIONS???? I am sorry but that sounds absolutely ludicrous. Look HOW MANY Pharmaceutical companies we have, and a pharmacy on EVERY CORNER even on all 4 corners in many towns, yet we CANNOT KEEP A INVENTORY OF MEDICATIONS WE NEED???? NO, more like if they cannot MAKE A FORTUNE ON IT, they "CUT" OFF THE SUPPLY... in other words , GREED!!!!! This is not including the RIDICULOUS RED TAPE MESS, our Insurance companies, hospitals, clinics and doctors are in... along "in bed" with the pharmaceutical companies, that bunch in Congress, that have their own agenda and the "lobbyists" that contribute to fuel the GREED of this nation! Every time I think about HOW SOME FOOL BEHIND A DESK can TELL ME WHAT I NEED MEDICALLY AND DO NOT NEED MEDICALLY OVER MY OWN PHYSICIAN it BURNS ME TO NO END!!! What the hell do we have physicians for, if some pencil pushing, not caring if you die, person, that does NOT even know a medical term or what the name of a medication or procedure is, much less what it is for, tell US and our DOCTORS what to do??? IT is one sad damned day in America, that is what it is!!!! OF course, then you have the entire other side, of those doctors, hospitals, and so forth that are just as screwed up as the people behind those desks. Never in my 53 years here have I ever seen a bunch of incompetent jack asses trying to half do a job that they have no clue about. I am not A GENIUS BUT!!! I can tell you that myself, along with MANY, MANY of US know more about the world of MEDICINE AND HEALTH, more than some of the nurses, and others that are supposed to be "taking care" of us!!! Talk about scary!!! It is down right a nightmare if you think about it.... Now, I am NOT one normally to be down and out about everything, but this past 8 plus weeks for myself and my family along with a few of my good friends have SUFFERED WAY TOO MUCH... and yes I QUESTION WHY???? I try NOT to question things, and to realize life is what it is going to be. We have SOME CONTROL, but many times we have very LITTLE OR NO CONTROL, when it comes to life and it's good, ugly, nice, down right hellish, and indifferent. I have literally spent HOURS AND HOURS ARGUING WITH People because THEY DO NOT DO THEIR JOBS! Sending myself, or my Mom bills that they DO NOT file RIGHT WITH THE INSURANCE COMPANIES, then EXPECT US TO PAY! That is bull! File it right, you WILL GET PAID! But, I do not think there has been ONE CLAIM THIS YEAR, THAT HAS BEEN FILED PROPERLY! Every doctors office, the hospital, the pharmacy, you name it, has filed something wrong, then tries to collect from us!!! If they would just do their jobs RIGHT, then it would take SO MUCH STRESS OFF OF US!!! IF I WANT TO FILE MY OWN INSURANCE THEN PAY ME AND I WILL DO IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME!!!

I do question the entire process of "why BAD things have to happen to the "best" folks???? It makes no sense to me these days. The greedy, the ones that could care less about their fellow man, that treat others like trash, that live their lives in a gutter so to speak, seem to "breeze" by...  Only to have those of us who, DO GIVE a damned about others, we try and treat people with kindness and compassion, we do NOT live our lives as if we were the only people on the planet, we work, pay our bills, and do all of the "right" things, seem to be hit the hardest with illness, pain, suffering, stressful life situations, and we do NOT DESERVE IT! A dear friend of mine is going through a horrible time fighting the big "C" word again. Bless her heart, she already did that at a very young age, back when we were just youngsters, and she won the battle. NOW, here she is years later, battling the monster again. She is the kindest, sweetest, compassionate, gentle soul, that takes care of her family in every way... and she just does NOT deserve to go through this again... no way, no how.... yet here she is having to once again walk through the hot coals of chemotherapy, and yet still trying to put on a happy face and work! It breaks my heart honestly. I also had a girl I have known since I also was in High School that I saw about 3 weeks ago. Her family and my family were close during those years when we were kids. Our Dad's worked together, we went on weekend trips to the lake together, they hunted deer together... and now her Mom is going blind from macular degeneration... and if that is not bad enough, the woman, who is several years younger than me, has Parkinson's! We are talking about someone in their mid-40's!!!! What makes that even worse, and I did not know it until I saw here a couple of weeks ago, she lost her husband last year to an aneurysm, as they were driving down the highway, he died right there beside her in the passenger seat!!!! Talk about wondering why?? Her Dad already has Alzheimer's, and honestly I think he may be so bad he is either in a nursing home, or he may have passed away, but I was so taken aback by all of the other things she told me, that I felt uneasy even asking. Even though this is a small town, sometimes since I don't get out all the much, I miss out own things going on to others.

Pieces of me feel like they are just "floating away" these days. I feel as if the very "substance" of my own heart and soul that I have walked in, with faith as much as I can, has just taken another road, journeyed away from me... and pieces of that are also my "voice" that has always given me the "right words" to write... it is like that "voice" has been silenced by too much of life's horrible drama. I so looked forward to possibly putting out my 3rd book in a year or so, but now I question whether that will EVER COME TO PASS AT ALL. I truly felt that I had SOMETHING TO GIVE TO OTHERS, through MY WORDS FROM MY HEART, yet somewhere down the line, "my" plans have been altered... so I am just not myself these days... I feel as if I am SOME OTHER person... I do not even recognize myself anymore... not so much in a "physical" sense, but in a sense of "the core center of who I was"... that seems to have "left the building" as that old adage goes.... much like "Elvis"... who I was, seems to not be who I am now... I can "blame" it on illness, pain, drama, life's little nightmares that can change your entire outlook in the blink of an eye".... some good, yet for me, I see it as not good at all... where it that writer, that "creative" entity... I miss her... I miss "Me"... I spend more time trying to "get well" that I spend being "well"....

I have FINALLY my Rheumatologist's Appointment this morning!!! HOOORAY!!! I pray he can help, and he usually does. I have missed not seeing him in over 6 months, so I cannot tell you how LONG MY LIST IS FOR HIM!!! There is LOTS AND LOTS OF FLOOD WATERS that have flown under my bridge since he saw me last. I DID email him some of my issues, and some information last week. I felt the MORE he knows BEFORE I get there, the more fruitful our appointment will be. Alas, I just hope we do have enough time to discuss all that is happening. I believe from an email I received back from him last week, I will be going on an infusion of Rituxan rather than the Humira. Or I gather I will stop the Humira, and only take the Rituxan. I pray it helps to reduce all of this pain, swelling, and mainly damage that is happening from the RA!!! Then I have lots of other things like those two other osteoporosis medications I found out about last week, I want to discuss. If I can take them, and have a chance of doing anything to remotely halt my bones from growing any weaker than they already are, then injections it is. I already take them anyway, so I might as well as 2 more in, that is if it is right now me. Of course there is all of the other pain stuff, joint stuff, and the list is endless to kind of go over... but if we can get at least the RA meds changed over to something else, and get me on those osteoporosis meds... plus I am sure he will have some answers on other things for me... I will be happy...

Then tomorrow, I go to the "foot" doctor... she is taking a look at my big toes, ankles etc... and we are going to see if I need "tarsus tunnel" surgery in my big toes... from the tests it appears that night help so we shall see... From there Friday, I go to have a CT scan on both hips... yes, that one will cost out of butt... they now charge a fortune even with insurance for the damned things... but since my hips seems to be so sore, and giving me hell even after the injections a couple of weeks ago, it could be they are causing lots of the issues I have with my lower back, legs and hips.

AND if things are not bad enough!!! I FOUND OUT MONDAY, that this TOP FRONT TOOTH, THAT GOT busted off half in two in the 4 wheeler accident when I was about 25, is now loose, and has enough decay, that it is no LONGER PATCHABLE!!! My dentist had to tell me I am going to be looking at a ROOT CANAL AND CROWN! I almost DIED, FAINTED, PASSED OUT, AND FREAKED, when I called for A PRICE FOR THOSE!!!!! How the HELL DOES ANYONE AFFORD A ROOT CANAL AND CROWN!!!?????? Lord have mercy, that is like buying a damned car!!! I do not know what I will do on that one... the "cheapest" I found was about $1,600.00 FOR BOTH! I called even "Monarch Dental" and hell they wanted something like well over $2,300.00 OR MORE FOR THE TWO OF THEM!!! Hell I thought they were supposed to be "discounted"... It is insanity... but I have NO PLACE to have a "partial plate" to Hook onto, due to my bad teeth that have just been pulled in back due to the Sjogren's... and I was told if I had them all pulled, the Sjogren's would also cause me grief with a plate... due to the dry mouth... so it is damned if I do, and damned if I don't... I am just baffled over that one...

Well, I shall just stop for now... lots of other stuff I could go into, but I want to get some other stuff done today, since I will be once again in and out the rest of the week with tests and doctors... damned I am over sick of it all... Hugs to all... thank you everyone for your compassion, kindness and friendship.... Hugs, Rhia